alex1960 Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 It finally took an intervention from a female colleague for my wife to realize that something was wrong. The colleague told my wife that there were rumours in the office that she was having an affair. My wife was apparently shocked and totally disgusted that such rumour would float around, insisting that they are only friends and that nothing ever happened. People made remarks because they had one on one dinners in fancy restaurants and made jokes about expense reports. When she arranged a business trip to hang with her friend, people really started to talk. Throughout the conversation, my wife acts as if what her friend said was a true revelation to her. She never realized how spending the night away from her daughter just to hang with a friend might potentially make him think she's interested. I'm really disappointed in her about this. We argued all night. My wife now realizes she should be careful about that guy as he is potentially interested in more. But on the other hand I still don't understand why she needed to see that friend so much. I guess I'll never have an answer to that.
aerogurl87 Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Either your wife is extremely naive or was in denial about the whole situation and what it could lead to.
Author alex1960 Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 Either your wife is extremely naive or was in denial about the whole situation and what it could lead to. You know, some days I feel like I'm the one in denial by thinking she could be naive. My wife has been working in the PR and marketing world for many years. I'm sure she gets hit on all the time. She insists that this guy was very friendly and appropriate. Still doesn't address my main concern though.
Crazy Magnet Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 This still rubs me the wrong way. How many people make it past the age of 20 and are actually that naive. She would have had to live under a rock her entire life. Perhaps she is seeing what she wants to see and not how things actually are.
sanskrit Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 She's playing the ingenue, smoke and fire, no argument or intervention from work should have been required. Based on her work colleagues' suspicions there was indeed an affair. She would be very angry if everything was so innocent, and instead is alternating naivete and defensiveness.
Stung Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Her naivety or lack of it is not central to the issue, IMO. I know that there are plenty of grownups who believe in platonic relationships with the opposite sex--even though they are often bitterly disappointed or woefully misguided, sometimes they are not. I would wonder, why did she continue making her 'platonic' relationship with this man such a priority, when she knew the agony it was causing her husband? And why were the opinions of her coworkers enough to sway her judgment, but not the opinion of her life-partner?
naya1 Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 well i read ur posts before and i knew all along she was innocent.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 BS!!! Let me ask you this. If the situation was reversed and the man was fostering a high emotional relationship with another womanother than his wife. And if he spent the night over at her place, he's cheating right? So how come just because she gets a free pass just because she is a female? What she did was not right and it was far from innocent. Women cannot be that stupid.
FryFish Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Ya, I dont buy it. She had an affair and now she feels stupid that it was so blatantly obvious.
spiderowl Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I'd feel the same as you, why did she need to see so much of him to the extent that people started talking? She may be entirely honest about not having an affair, but she was drawn to him for some reason. The reason may pass once she knows him better anyway, but I can understand your disquiet.
FL Lady Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Sounds like you guys had a discussion to get this matter settled? I was just about to invite you to southwest FL for dinner at a five star restaurant. Oh well...... Cheers-
Author alex1960 Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Her naivety or lack of it is not central to the issue, IMO. I know that there are plenty of grownups who believe in platonic relationships with the opposite sex--even though they are often bitterly disappointed or woefully misguided, sometimes they are not. I would wonder, why did she continue making her 'platonic' relationship with this man such a priority, when she knew the agony it was causing her husband? And why were the opinions of her coworkers enough to sway her judgment, but not the opinion of her life-partner? I guess I didn't want to voice my opinion on this too much as it would've caused nothing but confrontation. I wanted the issue to come from her and that's exactly what happened.
Author alex1960 Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 BS!!! Let me ask you this. If the situation was reversed and the man was fostering a high emotional relationship with another womanother than his wife. And if he spent the night over at her place, he's cheating right? So how come just because she gets a free pass just because she is a female? What she did was not right and it was far from innocent. Women cannot be that stupid. Believe it or not, some of my female friends have somewhat sided with my wife on this. They think she did nothing wrong since it's ok for us to have friends of the opposite sex. Whatever.
Author alex1960 Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Sounds like you guys had a discussion to get this matter settled? I was just about to invite you to southwest FL for dinner at a five star restaurant. Oh well...... Cheers- I'm game for anything. I'm actually just a short flight away from you. If we dutch on the meal, I'll book a trip right away...
2sunny Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 what have YOU done about all of this? it seems as if you have stood on the sidelines as a bystander... i hope you have had some backbone in it all because she's been terribly inappropriate. if it has hurt you why is she making him and is feelings her priority instead of yours - her husband? where is your boundary? people are noticing that your W is inappropriately connected to another man - are you doing/saying anything to her about it being detrimental to her M and her future?
Mad Max Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Believe it or not, some of my female friends have somewhat sided with my wife on this. They think she did nothing wrong since it's ok for us to have friends of the opposite sex. Whatever. Because they've probably done something similar or are currently doing it. Your wife's actions were/are completely inappropriate and anyone that justifies it is just as bad.
FL Lady Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I'm game for anything. I'm actually just a short flight away from you. If we dutch on the meal, I'll book a trip right away... Funny! I knew it. You're ready to bail on this marriage. Having been there, it's easier said than done. Plus I don't have any kids. I don't do Dutch by the way. Surely you're just being sarcastic?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Because they've probably done something similar or are currently doing it. Your wife's actions were/are completely inappropriate and anyone that justifies it is just as bad. QFFT!!! these females lying through their teeth .they the first ones to flip if this was happening to them.
Allisha Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) QFFT!!! these females lying through their teeth .they the first ones to flip if this was happening to them. I'm a female, and I'm 100% with you, Chrome. To be quite honest, OP, there's something wrong in your marriage whether or not your wife is dropping her pants to this other guy. I'm not entirely sure how vocal you've been to her about your disapproval, but this is clearly having a negative effect on you, and if your wife can't see that, then she's not paying you enough attention. If you've told her your feelings about this and yet she continues to see him, then it's even worse. I don't think you have a right to dictate who her friends are, but she should cool off their "friendship" somewhat, as it's clearly causing a problem, and then continue the friendship once your marriage issues have been fully resolved. Regardless, you've got BAD communication issues with your wife and a blatant lack of respect, particularly on her part, even if this relationship is totally innocent. You need to stop living like this, and do something about it. It's clearly having a bad impact on your happiness and honestly, life is far too short to put up with this. I'm really skeptical about your wife and her "naivety" - I'm really struggling to believe someone could be that unaware and stupid enough to think that their behaviour in this situation isn't screaming AFFAIR, loud and clear. Edited September 27, 2010 by Allisha
aerogurl87 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Because they've probably done something similar or are currently doing it. Your wife's actions were/are completely inappropriate and anyone that justifies it is just as bad. I agree. There's no way in hell I'd be going out on with a guy like that. Letting him take me to dinner, finding ways to fly to be with him in the same city for the day. Nope, no way. Relationships have boundaries and your wife just crossed one.
Author alex1960 Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Funny! I knew it. You're ready to bail on this marriage. Having been there, it's easier said than done. Plus I don't have any kids. I don't do Dutch by the way. Surely you're just being sarcastic? I'm not ready to bail, I'm just really tired of guessing and wondering. So you expect me to pay for the flight AND dinner as well? If you promise the conversation will be light and fun, I'm game.
Author alex1960 Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I'm really skeptical about your wife and her "naivety" - I'm really struggling to believe someone could be that unaware and stupid enough to think that their behaviour in this situation isn't screaming AFFAIR, loud and clear. Thanks for responding. If we didn't have a daughter, I'd be a lot more aggressive about this whole situation. There's always the possibility that maybe she really thought they were just friends. Even if this is the unlikely scenario at this point, I keep holding on to it, hoping that things will be alright.
Author alex1960 Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I agree. There's no way in hell I'd be going out on with a guy like that. Letting him take me to dinner, finding ways to fly to be with him in the same city for the day. Nope, no way. Relationships have boundaries and your wife just crossed one. Thanks for responding. From your perspective, would you say she has a serious crush on the guy?
Author alex1960 Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 More fights last night, it's getting pretty ugly. All of this for a stupid coworker who essentially represents nothing.
Stung Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Believe it or not, some of my female friends have somewhat sided with my wife on this. They think she did nothing wrong since it's ok for us to have friends of the opposite sex. Whatever. Because they've probably done something similar or are currently doing it. Your wife's actions were/are completely inappropriate and anyone that justifies it is just as bad. I don't know, I think you're leaping to conclusions here by calling them all cheaters or cheating-sympathizers. Alex' wife still doesn't think she did anything wrong, and if his wife's friends are hearing only her version of events, it's not such a stretch for them to not think she did anything wrong, either. Me, I do believe that it's okay to have platonic opposite-sex friends, and to go out with them alone from time to time, and I'm no cheater. When I hear details like the wife planned out-of-town trips around meeting this guy, and went to five star restaurants with him, and wrote him emails about how amazing it was to spend time with him, obviously that drastically changes the scenario-- but I seriously doubt that those are details that this wife shared with her friends without massive downplaying. Alex, if you are bothered by the he-said she-said thing going on in your shared friendships, and feel like your wife is continuing to minimize your feelings and just putting a PR spin on everything, maybe you should bring everything out into the light yourself. If you are friendly with these women as well, if your wife is throwing their opinions at you like weapons, why not tell them your side of the story too? And at this point I think you should insist that she see a marriage counselor with you, because the way she keeps invalidating your feelings is NOT conducive to any kind of healthy marriage. It really sounds pretty horrible, to be honest. On the other hand, there's something to be said for biding your time and continuing to gather evidence, if you're still looking for a smoking gun. But if a smoking gun exists and you do find it, what will you do with it? You have mentioned you are unwilling to be aggressive about this because of your daughter. But surely all the suspicion and fighting in your household can't be a good atmosphere for your little girl, either? Parents never hide the tension as well as they think they do...
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