The Plight of being single...

[Kamille]

One guy I went out with years ago recently got in touch with me. He wanted to take me out again, but said he was unsure because of the fact that, "It would be intimidating to be with a woman who calls me out and is usually right. I don't think I would want to be wrong all the time."

 

I admit I'm a bit strong minded which can be offputting....

 

Because sometimes people don't want a woman with opinions. I'm not afraid to voice my opinion. If I disagree with someone I'm respectful about it.

 

Honestly, I think the key is somewhere in the "strong opinion" matter. I'm not sure I agree that some people don't want women with opinions. I wonder if there is indeed something off-putting in the way you voice your opinions. The first guy you quote made it sound like not only you don't let anything slide, there is also no way to "out-right" you. I doubt that's the case but if that is what you project, than it would definitely be off-putting. There is very little room for compromise when in a relationship with someone who is, above all, always right.

 

Perhaps it would be beneficial to think about the ways in which you express opinions and whether they might be off-putting to people. Pick an honest friend and ask her if she can brainstorm with you. I say this because I have a friend who struggled to find someone because, while she's a sweetheart and beautiful to boot 1) she likes to be in charge 2) she can be very critical of others 3) she's always right. In her book though, she's just someone with strong opinions.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

You know you could be right. It's all about how you present yourself to people and I have been told I am abrasive. So maybe a "kindler, gentler" me would be more beneficial. Hey, YOU'RE RIGHT;)

[ascendotum]

I agree with the other posters here who say that no guy they know has ever broken up with a woman because she was too independent. "too independent" and "intimidating"... to me this sounds like possibly a nice way of saying you are too bossy / too much of strong dominating personality and are not very feminine in manner, or too pushy or abrupt in what you want or you are a staunch feminist and interpret things a guy says as being told what you should do or think, or maybe you just have a serious personality and are not very fun loving.

 

Is there a common theme with the types of guys you have had as boyfriends in the past? I don't fully buy the 'I have the worst luck with guys' for a woman of 32 to have no long term relationships, just because of the women I have known in my life who say this. They keep choosing style over substance guys, again and again. I admit though, I know nothing about your choice in men, but do you go for a certain type of man, in terms of personality or profession or style? Have you had alpha/management type boyfriends?

 

"Because sometimes people don't want a woman with opinions"

 

I have worked with a few women who claim that the reason they were single is because men were intimidated by them because they had successful careers were independent and have opinions. Wrong. Knowing these women it was more a case of they were just not very feminine in looks, personality and in the way they dressed...though no one wanted to tell them that. I agree with Kamille on discussing this dilemma with a girlfriend (one who won’t say nice things for the sake of appearing nice). You are certainly not alone, there is a growing pool of people out there that don't get why it is so hard to find someone, though at least you are finding partners (better than not).

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Okay, if I have to be honest (and what good would it serve me if I wasn't) I would have to say that sometimes I do come across as a "strong dominating personality." I think if I toned it down a bit, and were a bit more "feminine" in manner (I mean, I look feminine and am NOT a feminist) maybe I would be a bit better off in the man department. The reason for this "dominant personality" is because of the fact I've been hurt WAY too many times and for lack of a better way of saying it, I don't want to get hurt anymore. Because behind the facade is a VERY sensitive woman. Thank you very much for your input:)

[jamesum]

Men are very attracted to assertive women.

 

However, a lot of women seem to confuse being assertive with being bossy.

 

Bossiness in a woman is not attractive at all.

 

Men do not mind being called out. But there is a difference between calling someone out like a mother to son and like a boss to subordinate.

 

One is loving while the other one is offensive.

Edited September 26, 2010 by jamesum

[Loquacious Miss L.]

You're right bossiness isn't attractive. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm bossy, I've never been accused of that, just the fact that I say what's on my mind. But I will take what you say with a grain of salt!

[BobSacamento]

Well if we use this thread as precedent then I wouldn't say you have been abrasive while voicing your opinion here.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you:) I'm trying my hardest;)

[Loquacious Miss L.]

FYI: I asked a very upfront friend why she thinks I'm single. She said she thinks it's because I come off abrasive to men....ie, showing my intelligence and being extremely blunt. I can tone it down the next time I go out on a date. But sometimes I view being anything less as weak. Something to work on.

[AverageJoe]

Intellegence isnt abrasive, the delivery of it can be.

[Kamille]

FYI: I asked a very upfront friend why she thinks I'm single. She said she thinks it's because I come off abrasive to men....ie, showing my intelligence and being extremely blunt. I can tone it down the next time I go out on a date. But sometimes I view being anything less as weak. Something to work on.

 

Hmm... A good way to tone down the abrasiveness is by being playful. Playful to me means teasing your date playfully, and it also means playing up your partner's intelligence and skills. Accept his ideas and bounce off of them. Make him feel secure and the conversation will be that much more stimulating.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

@Average Joe: You're absolutely spot on! It can be, huh. And @Kamille, good pointers. I think I've forgotten how to be playful as I've foraged through the dating world. Now to put it into practice;)

[brainygirl]

I don't thing you should have to hide who you are to get a LTR and I don't think you would be happy with the relationship you ended up with if you did.

 

I am also a successful, intelligent, independent female, with the added dating "handicap" of being a single mom to three wonderful boys. I date, but at this point, I can't imagine getting serious with anyone. I like my life the way it is, and most of the men I've met would want me to substantially change things.

[jamesum]

I guess people are just different.

 

I have a very good friend. But his problem is that he just has awful communication skill. No matter how good his intention is, he always ends up sounding rude. Its like he doesnt know how to say the right words. We have been friends for a long time but until now I still dont feel comfortable being around him because even though I know he doesnt mean it, but he keeps ruining everyone's mood when we hang out together. LOL!

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Ya, it takes all kinds doesn't it. It is so hard out there for people these days isn't it:( I don't look at having kids as a handicap btw:)

[jamesum]

You know, if you have a dominant personality, I dont think you should hide it just to get someone. Nothing is worse than not being able to be yourself with your partner.

 

Maybe all this time you have always found men with similar personality and there cannot be two kings in the same kingdom you know. So I think you should try finding less dominant men. Look for the soft but handsome kind of guys if you know what I mean.

[brainygirl]

Ya, it takes all kinds doesn't it. It is so hard out there for people these days isn't it:( I don't look at having kids as a handicap btw:)

 

Lots of othewise very nice men feel differently. And its their right to feel that way. But it still kinda hurts to know that because I haven't had the best experiences in the past, I'm going to be penalized for it now.

 

I don't know how you feel about this, but if you are so pressured to have a relationship because you want a family and the right guy isn't coming along, why not skip that part and just have the family? (I'm probably going to get clobbered for suggesting that)

[carhill]

OP, IMO, having participated in your other threads, and presuming you have healthy familial relationships and platonic friendships, it's merely a matter of meeting and *identifying* a compatible male. Essentially, what you've been experiencing is incompatibility. There's nothing 'wrong' with you. With the 'right' man, everything will just flow. When it doesn't with the men you meet, then it's just not a good match, nothing more or less. A compatible man will accept, support and challenge your strong opinions, just like he will accept your HSV. He won't be intimidated by any aspect of who you are. It is possible that you may never meet a compatible man. This happens, to both men and women. It doesn't mean you're defective or a bad person.

 

Like I said, if you have healthy friendships and family relationships, this tells me that your 'strong opinions' and 'independent nature' do not preclude you from loving and being loved by others. Perhaps your unique situation does limit your romantic potentials. If so, accept that. Sharpen your pencil and get to work..... living life, on your terms, whatever those are, without regret. Good luck

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Carhill: I platonically love you! You always know what to say. And to others, you're right, I think that I shouldn't have to hide who I am I can just subdue it a little bit:) And I feel hopeful, I do. These feelings come and go.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thanks to everyone! I've been thinking about this and I really think you gave good sound advice:) That's why I love LS:)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ok so I've posted before about my singledom. But here's some thoughts I've been having lately and why I feel plagued as of late.

 

I'm 32, single, never married, no kids, good job, own apartment, etc. I'm attractive, fun and outgoing. Loyal.

 

Most guys I meet say I'm "too independent" and "intimidating."

 

Lately I've gotten really down on myself because it seems that I have no problem attracting guys, it's keeping them that's the problem. This is pretty much my life story. It doesn't matter if I sleep with them right away (this has happened) or I wait (this happens too.) I've tried it from all angles and I keep coming up empty.

 

For the last few months I've been doing okay on autopilot until I had the revelation that I am profoundly lonely. It's further compounded by the fact that my friends are all in relationships or married...I mean my best friend who is going through a divorce met someone at her divorce counseling group and is now spending all her time with the guy. I guess if I met someone great then I would be spending a lot of time with them too. But in any event, I look around and see that my network is slowly dwindling down to me being the only single one. Sometimes I get a complex about it because of the fact that I have astonishingly bad luck, I mean I usually attract some form of unavailable men. Most people who know me can vouch for the fact that I have had the WORST possible luck.

 

I'm starting to lose hope in finding that special someone. I try to be happy being single but since about a month ago I've really been struggling because I am tired of being selfish....ie, I want someone to cook for, to care for, and to be with. All human needs but it's something that keeps me up at night sometimes.

 

I need faith but at the moment I'm running on empty. Thoughts?

 

 

 

Why oh why must every woman still single at around age 30 seem to think that they are left-out or left-behind socially?

 

If everyone needed to be married by 22 or face extinction then a lot of people would just die from the stress when they were 20.

 

If you take 1,000,000 American women and plot their age at first marriage on a scale, lots of them would be plotted beyond 30. Even if the average age of first marriage for women is 26, and for those with a Masters Degree it is 30, there are still those who are going to land beyond the "30" marker. It's normal!!

 

This is not like high school tests where to be on the wrong side of average is a terrible mark against you. Some people are just going to be there, and those are people who owe themselves the honor of adjusting and accepting so as not to delay their likely evolution toward coupledom and eventually married life needlessly.

 

Not only that, but women who select life mates after age 30 surely do a lot better job of it based on how much better they know themselves at the point of selection. Not only that, but you can be confident that it wasn't just a perky sweater and the fact that you will put-out that created his interest in you.

 

But you owe it to yourselves to stand confidently and let the future happen to you as it comes. Otherwise you will give off a vibe that even intimidates the future.

 

So, chin up, hips comfortable, breasts accepted, eyes engaged, stride confident and mind open...

 

Onward!!