The Plight of being single...

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Ok so I've posted before about my singledom. But here's some thoughts I've been having lately and why I feel plagued as of late.

 

I'm 32, single, never married, no kids, good job, own apartment, etc. I'm attractive, fun and outgoing. Loyal.

 

Most guys I meet say I'm "too independent" and "intimidating."

 

Lately I've gotten really down on myself because it seems that I have no problem attracting guys, it's keeping them that's the problem. This is pretty much my life story. It doesn't matter if I sleep with them right away (this has happened) or I wait (this happens too.) I've tried it from all angles and I keep coming up empty.

 

For the last few months I've been doing okay on autopilot until I had the revelation that I am profoundly lonely. It's further compounded by the fact that my friends are all in relationships or married...I mean my best friend who is going through a divorce met someone at her divorce counseling group and is now spending all her time with the guy. I guess if I met someone great then I would be spending a lot of time with them too. But in any event, I look around and see that my network is slowly dwindling down to me being the only single one. Sometimes I get a complex about it because of the fact that I have astonishingly bad luck, I mean I usually attract some form of unavailable men. Most people who know me can vouch for the fact that I have had the WORST possible luck.

 

I'm starting to lose hope in finding that special someone. I try to be happy being single but since about a month ago I've really been struggling because I am tired of being selfish....ie, I want someone to cook for, to care for, and to be with. All human needs but it's something that keeps me up at night sometimes.

 

I need faith but at the moment I'm running on empty. Thoughts?

[skydiveaddict]

I bet you will find some one. Usually the ladies have a much easier time of it than men. I think if you are patient you will find what you're looking for.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Unfortunately patience is not a great virtue of mine. I have had so many false starts it's ridiculous! I hope you're right!

[skydiveaddict]

I bet I am

[sanskrit]

Have they really meant that you are too independent and intimidating? Or just use that as an excuse to avoid the next step? Because I've heard that often... from women, never from men. None of the thousands of men I've ever known has characterized a woman as too independent or intimidating... ever.

 

It's easy to tell when a man wants a relationship. He will want to share his life with you and want you involved. He will be interested in your life and want to be involved in it. He will take you out to do things, and will eventually introduce you to his friends and family. Until he does those things, don't get emotionally or too physically involved.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

From what I've gathered they do mean that. That's usually after the first date when they realize I'm the real deal. Some I think use it as a way to avoid furthering things. One guy I went out with years ago recently got in touch with me. He wanted to take me out again, but said he was unsure because of the fact that, "It would be intimidating to be with a woman who calls me out and is usually right. I don't think I would want to be wrong all the time." I'm like....wtf!! I'm looking for the kind of man you're referring to...I have to believe he's out ther somewhere. (needless to say another date with that guy never materialized).

[AverageJoe]

From what I've gathered they do mean that. That's usually after the first date when they realize I'm the real deal. Some I think use it as a way to avoid furthering things. One guy I went out with years ago recently got in touch with me. He wanted to take me out again, but said he was unsure because of the fact that, "It would be intimidating to be with a woman who calls me out and is usually right. I don't think I would want to be wrong all the time." I'm like....wtf!! I'm looking for the kind of man you're referring to...I have to believe he's out ther somewhere. (needless to say another date with that guy never materialized).

 

So what is your goal? Get laid, companionship, marriage, kids? My guess is kids, that clock is ticking isnt it?

 

I also agree with sanskrit, I have never heard a man say anything like that. He is either a pussy or blew you off for some reason.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

You know actually, kids would be nice....but I really want companionship leading to marriage at some point. Having another person around to think of besides myself. I can't tell ya if the guys are pussies or not, all I know, is that I tend to think they are if they can't seem to "handle" me. I mean I'm not a cyclops or something. As far as the clock ticking, well like I said at this point something meaningful would be really nice.

[BobSacamento]

So with these "false starts" who usually ends it? I'm getting the idea that it's the guy who cuts it off.

[sanskrit]

That's usually after the first date when they realize I'm the real deal. Some I think use it as a way to avoid furthering things. One guy I went out with years ago recently got in touch with me. He wanted to take me out again, but said he was unsure because of the fact that, "It would be intimidating to be with a woman who calls me out and is usually right. I don't think I would want to be wrong all the time."

 

Yes, exactly. Neither side of early dates should take things said to break off seriously. The reality is that in early dating, any excuses or undue character qualifiers offered means that they just aren't attracted enough to continue, and are trying to soften the blow.

 

As far as "calling out" or anything even remotely resembling it, such should not be going on during early dates ever. Early dates are supposed to be doing something light and fun with a new person. If men are doing that on your early dates, they are just not well socialized, and if you are doing it, consider ceasing it.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Yes, most of the time it's the guy, sometimes me that ends things. I admit I'm a bit strong minded which can be offputting.... However, it just seems odd to me that I have struck out so many times! Give a sister a break why dontcha?

[AverageJoe]

Ah, I figured I was spot on.

 

I only know you as much as I have responded to you. So, if these guys you are meeting see what I did here, it must be written all over you in real life. If that is the case, then thats not good (for you).

 

The good news is you are actually at the perfect age for it. Responsible, mature enough and have a head on your shoulders with enough life experience to raise children properly.

 

The bad news is, if that is what you project in real life. Men will flee in droves. I would.

 

Ever heard how women can tell when a man is confident and she knows it right away (mysterious isnt it). The same narrative applies here with men. We can tell right away.

[BobSacamento]

Yes, most of the time it's the guy, sometimes me that ends things. I admit I'm a bit strong minded which can be offputting.... However, it just seems odd to me that I have struck out so many times! Give a sister a break why dontcha?

 

Why would being strong minded be an issue? Or do you flat out tell them they are wrong?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

No no no. Children or "clock ticking" is never mentioned at all. Unless I'm specifically asked if I want them one day. If I have them I have them if I don't I don't. It would be nice but not necessary. I think I can come off as a bit abrasive but it's just a front until I feel I can let my guard down. Which if I feel safe is not too long:)

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Because sometimes people don't want a woman with opinions. I'm not afraid to voice my opinion. If I disagree with someone I'm respectful about it.

[AverageJoe]

No no no. Children or "clock ticking" is never mentioned at all.

 

I think you missed my point, you dont have to say anything. Much like I knew it over this very message board with our brief interactions. Strange huh?

[BobSacamento]

Generally during dates do you do a lot of the talking or is it 50/50?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Well then you know something I don't. I don't think I mention kids in my post. Unless you're not talking about kids. ? And @Bob: It's pretty even.

[TouchedByViolet]

I will have to agree with Sky. You seem fun, attractive, and normal enough for most guys...

 

If its just a case of bad luck... life can sure as hell be unlucky for some of us, but someone as cool and attractive as you... something else might be going on

 

If you have some characteristic/attitude in person that sends guys running you may need help. Close friends are a good resource for dating tips. They know your pros and cons so grill them till they tell you what is making it difficult to find a SO. Make them give you advice and you can learn from it.

[Cee]

I wanted to say I'm in the exact situation as the OP. It's the same story. Except I'm 40, not 32 and no interest in children at all. And I don't come across as intimidating b/c I have a sunny and gentle disposition. Not that there's anything at all wrong with the OP. I wanted to point out that we have different personalities, but have the same problem.

 

It is a complete mystery to me why I'm having problems when from age 15-34, I had boyfriends. The only difference now is I am happier with myself and more independent than ever. It's as if the reward for self-sufficiency and confidence is aloneness.

 

Just tonight, I asked a friend who was a brief dating partner about this. He insisted that it wasn't me. That I was perfectly ok. He couldn't offer much in the way of counsel, but I was comforted that he like me is single and searching.

 

I'm on a break from dating because I got so demoralized that it started to erode my enjoyment of my life.

 

I'm so glad Loquacious Miss L. posted because I was starting to feel that I am the only one with this problem.

[Lovelybird]

I think you just put on a surface that you are self-sufficient, otherwise you won't rant here. Do you fear let men know that you need them sometimes?

[sanskrit]

Because sometimes people don't want a woman with opinions.

 

That's a myth, another thing I've heard women say frequently, yet never ever heard a man say or imply. Admittedly, men don't like women who won't shut up, but that's a different issue.

 

People generally don't want to be around those who feel the need to air an opinion about every little thing just because they have one, that's true enough, but not a gender thing.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Everyone has some good points, I will be doing a lot of soul searching:)

[Jezza]

Don't worry. If you're really serious you'll find someone. I don't believe in that **** called Fate. What I do believe in though is that we make our own future and if you really want that right guy, then it will happen. I'm 24 and have had a bad run with girls in my life and sometimes I really worry about if i'll ever find the right girl to spend my life with. I honestly do believe that love will find everyone who truely wants it. Stay positive, don't ever think it will never happen because that's a load of rubbish. There's that Mr/Ms Right for everyone!

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you. What a fresh perspective:)