Woggle Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Before a man a commits to a woman he should get himself to a place where is ready and able to walk the minute a woman starts treating him wrong. He should be in that place emotionally where self respect and dignity is number one above all else. Too many end up getting involved with women and then these women start acting weird or showing their true colors the men are just crushed and devestated and they put up with crap for way too long. A woman also needs to know that you are willing to leave if she ever mistreats you. I have not shared all my issues with my wife but she know I will walk if I ever catch the slightest hint of her cheating because I did just that in my first marriage. She also knows that if she wants space I will give her all the space in the world. The best way to achieve this is to build up your own life and then let a woman come to you. Focus your energy on hobbies, careers, friends etc and the enrgy you put out will naturally attract a woman and you can decide who is quality and who is not. Invite a woman into your life from a position of strength instead of a position of desperation. Make sure that she feels lucky for being in your life rather than you being grateful for her giving you the time of day.
Star Gazer Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Before a woman a commits to a man she should get herself to a place where she is ready and able to walk the minute a man starts treating her wrong. She should be in that place emotionally where self respect and dignity is number one above all else. Too many end up getting involved with men and then these men start acting weird or showing their true colors the women are just crushed and devestated and they put up with crap for way too long. A man also needs to know that you are willing to leave if he ever mistreats you. I have not shared all my issues with my husband but he knows I will walk if I ever catch the slightest hint of his cheating because I did just that in my first marriage. He also knows that if he wants space I will give him all the space in the world. The best way to achieve this is to build up your own life and then let a woman come to you. Focus your energy on hobbies, careers, friends etc and the enrgy you put out will naturally attract a man and you can decide who is quality and who is not. Invite a man into your life from a position of strength instead of a position of desperation. Make sure that he feels lucky for being in your life rather than you being grateful for him giving you the time of day. As I sit here on a peaceful golf course patiently waiting for my lesson to begin, for the first time I find myself really annoyed by this sort of lame gender-warfare. You do realize that if you switch out woman for man, she for he, etc., that the very same thing applies to how women should approach dating? No one, male or female, should let themselves be treated poorly. And everyone, male and female, should make sure they have a full life outside of their relationships and dating. [/end of thread]
Stung Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Okay. While I do believe in working most issues out once there is a commitment rather than automatically bolting, in general I totally agree with this post. Telling people that they deserve to be treated with respect and that they are ultimately responsible for their own welfare and need to draw healthy boundaries around themselves is always good advice. And of course it applies to both genders.
Author Woggle Posted September 18, 2010 Author Posted September 18, 2010 I know it can apply to both genders but I am speaking from a male perspective. I can't speak from a female perspective because I am not one.
CLC2008 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Before a man a commits to a woman he should get himself to a place where is ready and able to walk the minute a woman starts treating him wrong. He should be in that place emotionally where self respect and dignity is number one above all else. Too many end up getting involved with women and then these women start acting weird or showing their true colors the men are just crushed and devestated and they put up with crap for way too long. A woman also needs to know that you are willing to leave if she ever mistreats you. I have not shared all my issues with my wife but she know I will walk if I ever catch the slightest hint of her cheating because I did just that in my first marriage. She also knows that if she wants space I will give her all the space in the world. The best way to achieve this is to build up your own life and then let a woman come to you. Focus your energy on hobbies, careers, friends etc and the enrgy you put out will naturally attract a woman and you can decide who is quality and who is not. Invite a woman into your life from a position of strength instead of a position of desperation. Make sure that she feels lucky for being in your life rather than you being grateful for her giving you the time of day. These points are good Woggle. They seem to come from a much better place then before.... Good work.
durkadurka Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 (edited) I agree. We men need to be more prepared for the shytstorms that these women are bringing today. The problem is these days is that more often than not no one person is responsible for the problems in a relationship. Some are obvious, cheating and infidelity, but others are less obvious. A lot of relationships end because of bad timing, or issues that neither party is responsible for and are unable to change or cope with. Family, money, whatever. I agree though, that both parties need to individually be strong before they can be in a relationship. They need to have the self confidence necessary to make decisions and be confident that they are the right ones. The problem becomes, as cracks start to develop in a relationship and people start to feel hurt while they are in a relationship, how does one go about being strong while being sensitive to the needs of the other person? That's why I broke things off with my ex, because I couldn't figure out how to repair myself and our relationship. Edited September 18, 2010 by durkadurka
Gallaxia Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I agree. We men need to be more prepared for the shytstorms that these women are bringing today. Would that be before or after you accept your responsibilities in said shytstorms? /Troll-y post is troll-y.
Angel1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Trust me when I tell you that this applies to both men and women alike. Men can change quite drastically after marriage. And knowing that the woman will walk away if they don't change their behavior isn't always enough motivation to change.
Pyro Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 This is common sense for any individual who is in a relationship.
durkadurka Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Trust me when I tell you that this applies to both men and women alike. Men can change quite drastically after marriage. And knowing that the woman will walk away if they don't change their behavior isn't always enough motivation to change. Sometimes it's hard to change while under the weight of a relationship, it's almost like a paralysis.
Gallaxia Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 (edited) Aww, and this is coming from someone who can't seem to keep a man for the life of them. I don't have any responsibilities for these women's shytstorms so off you go with that question. And we're on the same forum, no? So............. You might have me confused for someone else. And you really need to take inventory. It's clear any post you have and will make, will be redundant, simply based on your username. Nice try though. Edited September 18, 2010 by Gallaxia
Gallaxia Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 Woggle, like Star Gazer noted, I think your advice/suggestions could apply to women as well. Although I realize much more is at stake for a guy when marriage is involved.
Angel1111 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 (edited) You're making it sound like the woman in the relationship is the only person in the relationship who has the power to walk away. As if a man can't decide to get up and leave his disrespectful, cheating woman. You've misinterpreted my words. What I was saying is that, in my experience, the men I've known did know that I would leave but this wasn't enough motivation for them to stop the behavior that was driving me away. I'm not sure how you took that to mean that a man can't decide to leave a relationship. That's pretty far-fetched and a ridiculous statement. Edited September 19, 2010 by Angel1111
that girl Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I almost agree with this, but it is too hardline. Before a man a commits to a woman he should get himself to a place where is ready and able to walk the minute a woman starts treating him wrong. If someone treats you badly in the begining, immediately launch. If someone does something truly henious like cheating or hitting you, immediately launch. But in any long term relationship- romantic, family, friendship- there are going to be times when the person treats you poorly in some way. Like they're overhelmed with work and aren't giving your relationship the time it needs. When someone is important to you, you should attempt to resolve the situation rather than just walking away. He should be in that place emotionally where self respect and dignity is number one above all else. Sometimes in life you have to do things that are undignified. Helping someone who is ill is often undignified. I obviously don't think that anyone should let themselves be a doormat, but I don't think dignity and self-respect are the be all end all of life. Frankly, I think if you have self-respect you don't really think about your self-respect at all. I have not shared all my issues with my wife but she know I will walk if I ever catch the slightest hint of her cheating because I did just that in my first marriage. She also knows that if she wants space I will give her all the space in the world. Woggle all I can think is what if your wife found out about the comments that you make about women and she was devestated to learn what her husband really though. Even if your behavior was the cause, you wouldn't give her space? (Though most of the time I think space is a terrible idea). Make sure that she feels lucky for being in your life rather than you being grateful for her giving you the time of day. You should both feel lucky. But if anyone makes it all about never been vunerable, they are unlikely to find someone wonderful who feels lucky to be with them.
Author Woggle Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 My wife knows I have trust issues with women but not extent of it. I go through moments of doubting my marriage but they pass and it is better if I don't tell her every single time. In general I am thankful to have found one of the good ones. Most men don't get as lucky as I have. Anyway I ask that this thread not become about me and my marriage and stay on the original topic.
Angel1111 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 No, its not a ridiculous statement, but more of a concrete statement. The men you knew were jerks and were married. You thought their behavior of lying to you about leaving their marriage for you was disrespectful so that drove you away from them. I didn't misinterpret your words, I fully understood them, but you just didn't like my perspective. That's okay, I understand. I am so totally lost about what you're talking about. First of all, I've never been married to anyone who left their marriage for me. The MM you must be referring to is not someone I was married to, and he never lied to me about leaving his marriage. What annoyed me about him is that he kept pursuing me after our break-ups, knowing he wouldn't leave his marriage. I lost respect for him because of that. But, yea, I had responsibility in it, too. But that relationship wasn't even a consideration with what I was talking about earlier. What I was talking about is that in two of MY marriages, the men became extremely possessive and controlling once we were married. We had many talks about what they were doing and how I couldn't and wouldn't live with it. We did counseling, talking, everything. Yet they CHOSE to continue that behavior. What Woggle was saying is that if a person knows you'll leave, they won't act a certain way. What I was saying is that even when a person knows you'll leave, it sometimes doesn't matter - because it didn't matter with the men I was married to. They knew I'd leave but they continued doing exactly what I said would drive me away. Some people truly believe that they can behave any way they want to once they're married, and they think they own the person they're married to. The thing is, I didn't treat them that way, and I didn't want to be treated that way either.
Angel1111 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 My statement has been proven exactly. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to trust a MM to leave his marriage for you. You're reasoning that only women have the power to control and leave a relationship because the man doesn't bow down to the woman is a control tactic. Women are not better than men and the same can be said for men. Knowing xMM for 2 yrs prior and knowing that he had an impeccable reputation caused me to believe that he wouldn't cheat on his wife unless he planned to leave her. That's called bad judgement on my part. And even though I wasn't talking about him at all in my first post (a fact that you seem to continue to ignore), he actually did leave his wife for a few months, but they got back together. This happened about a yr before he and I were together and I knew nothing about it until much later. But where are you getting this stuff about power and control? Seriously. I would fully expect a man to leave me if I acted the way my exes acted in our marriages. I'm not saying I'm superior, I'm saying that I didn't do stupid, disrespectful things to my husbands, and then act shocked that they left me. If my husband ever told me that something I was doing was driving him away, I can assure you that I'd stop doing it if I wanted to keep him around. You're reading so much weird stuff into my comments.
Angel1111 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 My point has been proven. If you really expect a man to leave you for acting stupid then why wasn't it that way with MM? Why did you cut them off when in the back of your mind you knew they will never leave their history for you? As I said earlier, you make it sound as if every guy is bad and that only women have the power to leave a relationship. Every guy is bad and only women have the power to leave? I never said that I don't think that. I'm sorry you see it that way.
TaraMaiden Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 My wife knows I have trust issues with women but not extent of it. I go through moments of doubting my marriage but they pass and it is better if I don't tell her every single time. In general I am thankful to have found one of the good ones. Most men don't get as lucky as I have. Anyway I ask that this thread not become about me and my marriage and stay on the original topic. May I ask then, why you didn't head it "A PERSON" should achieve this before they commit to anybody?" If you wish to deflect discussion away from your own situation, and not make it a simple task for people to make this "about you", then use the skills you should have acquired through counselling and therapy by now, and generalise more, don't make it specific. While I take on board that you are speaking from a male perspective, because you are male, much of what you discuss is generic, not gender-specific. It applies equally to both genders - and you know this. You know it. So start from that base. Then people will not pick at you, and herald you as an example of how biased and one-sided your statements seem to be. Will they?
Author Woggle Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t246349/ There are exceptions to every rule. He sounds just like the male version of a walkaway wife.
Pyro Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Rule? Get a grip on reality. There are walkaway husbands and wives. You hear more about wives on here because more men come on here than women because women aren't afraid to talk to people IRL about relationship issues.
DavidWhite Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Unfortunately I'm not in that position, but things are awesome with my GF who I have been with for a year.
lino Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 The best way to achieve this is to build up your own life and then let a woman come to you. Focus your energy on hobbies, careers, friends etc and the enrgy you put out will naturally attract a woman and you can decide who is quality and who is not. Invite a woman into your life from a position of strength instead of a position of desperation. Make sure that she feels lucky for being in your life rather than you being grateful for her giving you the time of day. What you say sounds nice on paper (on-screen in this case) but it isn't quite that simple. I wish it was
Sphere Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Never make a woman the centre of your world. Never build your dreams around a woman. Never place all of your happiness on a woman. You need to be the centre of your world, a woman should be an addition, not the main component. Never go for your dream woman, before you have accomplished your dreams, never sell yourself short on anything that you feel you deserve and more importantly want with conviction. Never get a woman just bring you happiness and joy. If you aren't happy on your own, with your job and whatever else, you need to change all this and become happy before you get with a woman.
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