Crazy Magnet Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 who admits to knowingly having sex in the past with a married person? Yes? No? Would/could you respect you SO knowing they were a willing participant in something like this?
lvixen Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I did, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Easily. There is no excuse for it either with myself or with my SO. It may seem hypocritical but that's just the way it is.
EasyHeart Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Was your SO married at the time? If not, he/she did nothing wrong. A single person who sleeps with a married person isn't cheating on anyone.
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Yes I did.. but I'm single... agree with Easy....
Author Crazy Magnet Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 I guess as a former betrayed spouse I come at this from a different perspective. There are plenty enough single people out there to sleep with, why disrespect a relationship like marriage by choosing to sleep with someone who was married. Why not just pick someone else? I think the single person is still doing something wrong in that they are contributing to the pain of the spouse of the person they are sleeping with!
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I think having sex with someone in a committed relationship is wrong. You're not the primary perpetrator of the "crime", but you are the accomplice who enables it to happen, and I believe that's almost as bad. I would be very turned off by a guy who had had sex with a married/attached woman, and unlikely to get involved with him. It would tell me that we have different ethics and values, and would reveal a lack of compassion for his fellow man (the husband/boyfriend being cheated on), so it could never go anywhere.
paleblue Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I slept with someone who was Separated… Does that count? They were not living in the same household anymore. I was hesitant to even do that. but you know how women are when they want something… : ) She went on to get a divorce and we dated for a few years after that.
EasyHeart Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I guess as a former betrayed spouse I come at this from a different perspective. There are plenty enough single people out there to sleep with, why disrespect a relationship like marriage by choosing to sleep with someone who was married. Why not just pick someone else? I think the single person is still doing something wrong in that they are contributing to the pain of the spouse of the person they are sleeping with!I'm sorry for your pain and if I were in your position, I'd probably feel the same way. And if that's a dealbreaker for you, there's certainly nothing wrong with having that opinion. FWIW, from a single guy's perspective, married women are great for short-term relationships because they aren't likely to want to get attached. I'd never pursue a married woman, but if she offers I might as well go along with it. If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat with someone, so it might as well be me. Plus, women in unhappy relationships usually have really low expectations, so that makes it a lot easier on me. I just have to listen to their problems a little, tell them they're pretty and they're peeling off they're panties. The way I see it, a marriage contract is between two people. I'm not in privity and if one of them decides to breach the contract, that really has nothing to do with me.
TouchedByViolet Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I think having sex with someone in a committed relationship is wrong. You're not the primary perpetrator of the "crime", but you are the accomplice who enables it to happen, and I believe that's almost as bad. I would be very turned off by a guy who had had sex with a married/attached woman, and unlikely to get involved with him. It would tell me that we have different ethics and values, and would reveal a lack of compassion for his fellow man (the husband/boyfriend being cheated on), so it could never go anywhere. Well said. Some people are just selfish and don't want to take responsibility for their actions.
flying Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I wrestled with this, because I was a BS (now divorced) and I found out a month or so into my current relationship that my guy had had an affair with a married woman (he was single at the time). Honestly, I was really upset and taken aback. From the BS perspective...of course it's the married person's responsibility to respect the vows of his/her marriage. But...it's not like I thought very highly of the OW in my situation - I'd met her, hung out with her, she lied to my face (we weren't friends, she worked with my exH) - basically, I thought she was a big jerk. Didn't matter if she'd broken vows to me; she was still a jerk. And then I had to think about this guy that I was interested in. He was just as defensive about it as any OP - wasn't my marriage, the WS was unhappy in her marriage, etc. etc. But still...he made a choice that I simply didn't respect and I didn't know what to think about it. We've since talked more about it, and I suppose whatever trigger that pushed in me has been allayed. But it was a tough one for me. I don't think that kind of thing is a gimme. The most important thing, I suppose, is how the person thinks about it afterward, whether they take responsibility for their own actions, etc.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat with someone, so it might as well be me. For me, this kind of statement has never held water. You could also say: Someone's going to rob these rich people's house; it might as well be me!I might as well drive this getaway car for the bank robber. If I don't do it, he'll just find someone else. I might as well make some money instead of them!I might as well spraypaint this wall. If I don't do it, some tagger punks are going to do it instead.
flying Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 For me, this kind of statement has never held water. You could also say: Someone's going to rob these rich people's house; it might as well be me!I might as well drive this getaway car for the bank robber. If I don't do it, he'll just find someone else. I might as well make some money instead of them!I might as well spraypaint this wall. If I don't do it, some tagger punks are going to do it instead. Yeah. I mean, I guess we all have choices. Choosing to date someone who's married is still a choice. And the point is not whether I respect that WS; it's whether I, as someone who's thinking about dating someone who had an affair with that WS, respect that choice. That's also a choice.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 I wrestled with this, because I was a BS (now divorced) and I found out a month or so into my current relationship that my guy had had an affair with a married woman (he was single at the time). Honestly, I was really upset and taken aback. From the BS perspective...of course it's the married person's responsibility to respect the vows of his/her marriage. But...it's not like I thought very highly of the OW in my situation - I'd met her, hung out with her, she lied to my face (we weren't friends, she worked with my exH) - basically, I thought she was a big jerk. Didn't matter if she'd broken vows to me; she was still a jerk. And then I had to think about this guy that I was interested in. He was just as defensive about it as any OP - wasn't my marriage, the WS was unhappy in her marriage, etc. etc. But still...he made a choice that I simply didn't respect and I didn't know what to think about it. We've since talked more about it, and I suppose whatever trigger that pushed in me has been allayed. But it was a tough one for me. I don't think that kind of thing is a gimme. The most important thing, I suppose, is how the person thinks about it afterward, whether they take responsibility for their own actions, etc. This is where I'm at but I'm way past a month in (we live together). I'm quite taken aback this morning. Granted it was a one time thing and the hubby knew (it was a threesome) but still.....he could consciously choose to have sex with some other man's WIFE. The couple has the right and the choice to bring others into their bedroom and that's fine. I'm just so upset that my BF would choose to take part in that. And he said he did NOT use protection the whole time. I made him get STD tested long ago but still.....GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS. If the BF wanted to have a threesome, that's fine too, but why not go find a bunch of single people that haven't made vows of fidelity. It's not like this was something he did when he was young and wild, it was last year! He was reluctant to talk about it but I don't know if it's because he doesn't want me to know or because he feels bad for what he did. It's like I went from having all the respect in the world for him to zero respect instantaneously. I don't really know what to do from here.
Philetus Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Twenty years ago I was ****buddies with a girl who was engaged. She lived in my building and her fiance lived out of town. We were almost caught a bunch of times because he would just show up at her place. One night, I had to sleep with her roommate in her roommates room. Everything about that relationship was thrilling. However, over time it wore on me. I kept thinking of the dude and I felt ****ty. That was the one and only time I had anything to do with someone in a relationship. There is a happy ending. My ex cheated on me, so Karma is restored.
phineas Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 My wife was cheating on me. If it wasn't the guy she is living with now it would of been some other guy. I place it all on her.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Granted it was a one time thing and the hubby knew (it was a threesome) but still.....he could consciously choose to have sex with some other man's WIFE. The couple has the right and the choice to bring others into their bedroom and that's fine. I'm just so upset that my BF would choose to take part in that. Having consensual sex in an open framework with the partner's consent and participation is a totally different scenario than having sex with someone who is cheating and lying to their partner. This couple were not monogamous, so your boyfriend's participation was not violating anything. What is your underlying concern or fear here?
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Honestly, maybe I am a prude but I would be pretty disgusted if I had a BF who had threesomes with married couples. It's just
Author Crazy Magnet Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 Having consensual sex in an open framework with the partner's consent and participation is a totally different scenario than having sex with someone who is cheating and lying to their partner. This couple were not monogamous, so your boyfriend's participation was not violating anything. What is your underlying concern or fear here? My concern is that our underlying moral value on this point is on polar opposite sides of the scale. My concern is that he would think so little of a marital commitment to jump in the sack with a married couple. There are plenty of singles out there willing to have threesomes. And my biggest concern is that HE DID NOT USE PROTECTION. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: I'm going to go out on a limb and say this wasn't the first time the couple had picked someone up. Non monogamous sex without condoms is plain disgusting and irresponsible. I'm also highly concerned that he was never forthcoming about this information previously in the relationship. I almost feel like it's one of those "I didn't give you all the details before because I knew you would leave me" type of things. He talks such a big talk about only having sex with the women he's been in LTRs with because of his Christian views, and that was one of the things that I loved about him. It's sort of a blow to find out later that that's clearly not always the case.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 My concern is that he would think so little of a marital commitment to jump in the sack with a married couple. There are plenty of singles out there willing to have threesomes. I don't see him thinking little of a marital commitment when the married parties invited him in. If they both communicated the desire to open the relationship sexually, he's free and clear there. And my biggest concern is that HE DID NOT USE PROTECTION. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: Lots of people do not use protection. I am not one of them, but I seem to be in the minority. A married couple is probably better insulated from STDs than your typical single person, actually. But yes, I see your concern here. It suggests a cavalier attitude toward health. I'm also highly concerned that he was never forthcoming about this information previously in the relationship. Did you discuss sexual history, and did he leave this out? He talks such a big talk about only having sex with the women he's been in LTRs with because of his Christian views, and that was one of the things that I loved about him. It's sort of a blow to find out later that that's clearly not always the case. Isn't sex outside of marriage period a "sin", according to Christian doctrine?
Author Crazy Magnet Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) I don't see him thinking little of a marital commitment when the married parties invited him in. If they both communicated the desire to open the relationship sexually, he's free and clear there. I guess I just view this a little differently. Like I said before, I've stood up there and said my vows and I believe if you don't intend to lead the life of those vows then just don't get married. Have a life partnership without the marriage. Even if a man and his wife approached me I would never touch a married man with a 10 foot pole. It grosses me out. Lots of people do not use protection. I am not one of them, but I seem to be in the minority. A married couple is probably better insulated from STDs than your typical single person, actually. But yes, I see your concern here. It suggests a cavalier attitude toward health. A swinger couple can't be considered insulated from STDs because their sex life doesn't mimic a normal marital sex pattern (closed). He has no idea how often they engage in this behavior, or if they have sex with others without each other around. Who knows where or how many other partners this "married" couple has. Sorry but that argument is sort of moot in this situation. Did you discuss sexual history, and did he leave this out? Yes, and it's sort of a big thing to leave out if you ask me. I never want specifics, I just want overall thoughts and patterns. If he's not proud of what he did and doesn't want anyone to know then he shouldn't have done it in the first place. Sex doesn't "accidentally" happen. There are lots of points he could have said no and walked away. Isn't sex outside of marriage period a "sin", according to Christian doctrine? Yep, it would be. But that's his definition to grapple with. It's like he went from sex only in very long term committed relationships (several years each) which was the type of man I was looking for to f*****g anything that came his way, which is EXTREMELY unappealing to me. I'm so sick and tired of men cheating on me that I avoid any with behavior like this as soon as I find out. Had we not moved in together I would have handed him his stuff and shown him the door. Edited September 16, 2010 by Crazy Magnet formatting
TheBigQuestion Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Cheaters are scum (whether it's a marriage or relationship that's being violated makes little difference), and the other men/women who knowingly engage in relationships with them are rarely any better. Like attracts like. And this is coming from someone that (as far as I know) has never been cheated on.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I guess I just view this a little differently. Like I said before, I've stood up there and said my vows and I believe if you don't intend to lead the life of those vows then just don't get married. You've said the vows before, but apparently, something came between you and your "for better or worse", yes? I'm not trying to be antagonistic -- just pointing out that people change and marriages -- like life -- aren't perfect. I'm so sick and tired of men cheating on me that I avoid any with behavior like this as soon as I find out. Had we not moved in together I would have handed him his stuff and shown him the door. Is there anything else to suggest he would cheat on you besides this one incident?
Author Crazy Magnet Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 You've said the vows before, but apparently, something came between you and your "for better or worse", yes? I'm not trying to be antagonistic -- just pointing out that people change and marriages -- like life -- aren't perfect. My ex's affinity for male hookers came between me and our better or worse vows. Turns out he also had an affinity for violence. I would understand if this was something the BF did back in his wild experimental youth but he switched gears after the last break up and did all this stuff right before he met me. That would be an awful quick change back. Is there anything else to suggest he would cheat on you besides this one incident? Well....yes. Perhaps that's why my panties are all in a bunch. I think his inability to draw appropriate boundaries with his ex gfs combined with this behavior sets off my alarm bells. The ex's have been dealt with, they are gone, but the fact that they were there in the first place and were allowed to cross so many lines bothered/s me. We are going to start couples counseling in a few weeks to get a better grasp of this boundary issue, but I guess I'll tack this one on there as well.
flying Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Well....yes. Perhaps that's why my panties are all in a bunch. I think his inability to draw appropriate boundaries with his ex gfs combined with this behavior sets off my alarm bells. The ex's have been dealt with, they are gone, but the fact that they were there in the first place and were allowed to cross so many lines bothered/s me. We are going to start couples counseling in a few weeks to get a better grasp of this boundary issue, but I guess I'll tack this one on there as well. Ugh. Well, I do think it's reasonable, in your situation and having been lied to before, to feel concern and want to know whether the person you're with is trustworthy. Since you can't control someone's behavior, the best you can really do is feel like you just trust who they are. And in that light, I can totally understand how you'd feel like you had the rug pulled out from under you. You thought you had a handle on that, and he threw you a curve ball. (to mix a whole bunch of metaphors) I suspect it's something you can work through with time...but I hope he can understand why this matters to you. That will be an important part of getting past it. I really wish you luck.
meerkat stew Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 The way I see it, a marriage contract is between two people. I'm not in privity and if one of them decides to breach the contract, that really has nothing to do with me. Pennzoil v Texaco? Point being is there ever a case where the party not in privity to a marriage contract is completely passive and not in some way interfering with the marriage contract? Personally, I would love to see the doctrine of tortious interference applied to marriage broadly, even via statute, as opposed to the old alienation of affection actions. That's one law I could get 100% behind in the current environment.
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