Author LongRecovery Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 I have been reposting trying to get some answer ------------- Friends, I need little guidance, honestly. So, my friend first freaks out that I have like 20-22 year old female friends on my facebook. We are in early forties. She says she does not want to compete with them. One is my son's girlfriend, the rest are daughters of friends, I took photos at various occasions and tagged them. Then the distance is the problem. We live an hour from each other. Last Friday we went crazy making out at her place in the afternoon, but no sex. This happens on the second date. Today she tells me good luck searching for a partner. She does not feel romantic as I am not funny and playful. We have seen each other for 5 hours in total and practically no phone conversations. That is, she did not click as she says. However, she is incredibly attracted to me physically and also incredibly attracted by my intellect. I am also terribly attracted to her. I just told her "You will be mine, and I am not worried about it. You need to go back and forth for a while, but we will be together." She says she likes my confidence. Honestly, I feel the situation is gone, but really wanted to see some views. As I said, the main problem seems that we have different sense of humour, not that I do not have it. I am thinking no contact for say a week and then doing something out of the blue, like showing up with flowers (too trivial) and walking way. Anything you may suggest, especially the female audience?
Philetus Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Friends, I need little guidance, honestly. Then the distance is the problem. We live an hour from each other. Last Friday we went crazy making out at her place in the afternoon, but no sex. This happens on the second date. Today she tells me good luck searching for a partner. She does not feel romantic as I am not funny and playful. We have seen each other for 5 hours in total and practically no phone conversations. That is, she did not click as she says. However, she is incredibly attracted to me physically and also incredibly attracted by my intellect. I am also terribly attracted to her. I just told her "You will be mine, and I am not worried about it. You need to go back and forth for a while, but we will be together." She says she likes my confidence. Honestly, I feel the situation is gone, but really wanted to see some views. As I said, the main problem seems that we have different sense of humour, not that I do not have it. I am thinking no contact for say a week and then doing something out of the blue, like showing up with flowers (too trivial) and walking way. Anything you may suggest, especially the female audience? My guess is you've freaked her out by coming on too strongly. In a previous post you mentioned saying something to her like, 'screw this dating ****, let's jump in'. This other line (bolded above) 'you will be mine' is along the same lines. The fact that she says, 'good luck finding a partner suggests she knows what you're looking for and is letting her know that she's not ready/not interested in that. Look at it from her point of view. She barely knows you, you live an hour away, and you're making relationship pronouncements. I know you're being yourself and going for what you want but it comes across as pushy, needy, and/or too aggressive. What if the shoe were on the other foot? What if you'd just had one date and a woman was saying this to you? A woman you weren't sure how you felt about? DO NOT show up at her place, unannounced with flowers. It's going to freak her out. She's going to fear that you're obsessed with her. It will drive her away for certain. This is what I would do if the above is all true. I would backpedal. I would send her a note saying something like... 'hey, I'm sorry I came on a little strongly. This dating thing is new to me and I really feel a connection with you. I realize that I pushed too hard, too fast. I'm sorry. I'd like to see you again so how about a low-expectation hang out? We can spend some time together and just see what happens? Whattya think?" I would also explain (if you haven't) about the pics on Facebook. Finally, your 'fun and playfulness' could be stymied because you're putting too much pressure on this to 'work out'. You have to approach it like you almost don't care if it does, or doesn't. Be cool.
Author LongRecovery Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 My guess is you've freaked her out by coming on too strongly. In a previous post you mentioned saying something to her like, 'screw this dating ****, let's jump in'. Yes, I came too strong, I care about not screwing it up, and I will if I don't get relaxed and more "casual." This other line (bolded above) 'you will be mine' is along the same lines. The fact that she says, 'good luck finding a partner suggests she knows what you're looking for and is letting her know that she's not ready/not interested in that. I agree. Has any observed any turning around in such situations? Look at it from her point of view. She barely knows you, you live an hour away, and you're making relationship pronouncements. I know you're being yourself and going for what you want but it comes across as pushy, needy, and/or too aggressive. What if the shoe were on the other foot? What if you'd just had one date and a woman was saying this to you? A woman you weren't sure how you felt about? I agree as well. My biggest fear is not to appear needy. At the same time, I am little puzzled if she says after 2 hours of talking that we are not meant for each other. These things take much longer. DO NOT show up at her place, unannounced with flowers. It's going to freak her out. She's going to fear that you're obsessed with her. It will drive her away for certain. This is what I would do if the above is all true. I would backpedal. I would send her a note saying something like... 'hey, I'm sorry I came on a little strongly. This dating thing is new to me and I really feel a connection with you. I realize that I pushed too hard, too fast. I'm sorry. I'd like to see you again so how about a low-expectation hang out? We can spend some time together and just see what happens? Whattya think?" Very good text, thank you. I talked to her last night. When do you think is a good time to send it, now, a week from now? I would also explain (if you haven't) about the pics on Facebook. Finally, your 'fun and playfulness' could be stymied because you're putting too much pressure on this to 'work out'. You have to approach it like you almost don't care if it does, or doesn't. Be cool. Yes, I agree. I have not had a chance to show my side of things, and many people find me very original with my sense of humor. Your email is incredibly helpful. Thank you so much.
Philetus Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I agree. Has any observed any turning around in such situations? When I first started dating after my marriage ended, I came on too strongly. I was looking for the next Mrs. Philetus. It drove people away. There was one woman whom I initially turned off. We remained in contact because we did like each other. I thought we were going to be friends but one night we wound up having sex and it likely could have become something but I lost interest in her after a couple of weeks. I agree as well. My biggest fear is not to appear needy. At the same time, I am little puzzled if she says after 2 hours of talking that we are not meant for each other. These things take much longer. My experience is it takes time to figure out if you could be something but very little time to figure out you can't be something. That is, the "nos" are easy. The potential "yesses" are hard. To be honest, I'm not very hopeful you can salvage this situation. If I really dug her, I'd do what I could to maintain contact. Accept just being 'friends', cause that way you at least get to see her. As my example shows, accepting being friends doesn't mean you can't wind up together. It gives her a stress free way to get to know you. That's why I recommend texting her about a 'low-expectation' hangout. In the meantime, keep looking and go out on dates. Treat each experience for what it is, a chance to meet someone and have a good time. Don't invest too much too quickly. If a date goes well, try to see them again. Some will work out, some won't. Before I hooked up with my current gf, I dated two to six women at a time. That's not for everyone but it really made me cool and confident because I invested little in each new person I met. Very good text, thank you. I talked to her last night. When do you think is a good time to send it, now, a week from now? I wouldn't wait unless you're unsure of your next move. Usually I'd wait a day just to see if sleeping on something changed my mind. Just don't react when emotional, have a clear head and a plan. But, if you're sure this is the way to go, there's no point in waiting. The content of the note shows that you are backing off. If she comes back with a "I don't feel it" response, I'd send her a farewell note and accept it isn't going to work. If you can't get her out of your head after a few months, try approaching her again with a general 'how you doing' note.
Author LongRecovery Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 My experience is it takes time to figure out if you could be something but very little time to figure out you can't be something. That is, the "nos" are easy. The potential "yesses" are hard. To be honest, I'm not very hopeful you can salvage this situation. I agree completely. In the meantime, keep looking and go out on dates. Treat each experience for what it is, a chance to meet someone and have a good time. Don't invest too much too quickly. If a date goes well, try to see them again. Some will work out, some won't. This is what I am doing. I have a few on the go all the time so I do not focus on just one, but I did focus on this one. Before I hooked up with my current gf, I dated two to six women at a time. That's not for everyone but it really made me cool and confident because I invested little in each new person I met. I am trying to do something similar. I wouldn't wait unless you're unsure of your next move. I sent it. I don't really care if she replies and what she might say.
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