Should he really be that into you?

[shadowplay]

Kamille, you know I love you. What you wrote about your experience with that cute guy was inspiring, but it also (in all honesty) made me a little sad.

 

It feels like it'd be heaven to have a really cute guy flirt with me and be interested.

 

You seem to live this charmed life, and I wish I knew what that was like. I don't resent you at all for it. You're an amazing, lovely person, and you totally deserve every second of it. But I feel like my life is a constant struggle, perhaps of my own making.

[Kamille]

Kamille, you know I love you. What you wrote about your experience with that cute guy was inspiring, but it also (in all honesty) made me a little sad.

 

It feels like it'd be heaven to have a really cute guy flirt with me and be interested.

 

You have had cute guys flirt with you and be interested. Your ex, your ex ex.

 

Plus, I get the impression you're like I was: when you think a guy is cute, you're too self-conscious to flirt with him. I bet you you would have thought exactly the same thing I did had you been approached by a cute guy in a bar who told you: "Remember me Shadow? We were in XYZ class together." You would think: "Oh, he's just telling me we were in the same class together. He's not showing any interest."

 

But my friend wasn't only right that the guy was hitting on me. She was right in assessing that the guy wasn't going to go any further with his approach unless I showed signs of interest myself. She was also right in saying I had nothing to lose by going back to chat him up.

 

So, ask yourself, how often do you let a guy know you're interested by mildly flirting with him?

 

You seem to live this charmed life, and I wish I knew what that was like. I don't resent you at all for it. You're an amazing, lovely person, and you totally deserve every second of it. But I feel like my life is a constant struggle, perhaps of my own making.

 

It's a glass half full glass half empty thing.

 

I think this is just a reflection of how we each approach our romantic lives differently. I mean, I could have written that narrative focusing on the negative: this hot guy I was totally into strung me along for a month. Fortunately, I hadn't played games with him. I was focusing on trying to assert my own boundaries and on having my own fabulous life, with or without him. That had meant not trying to figure out what was going on in his head and how I could best approach the situation to get him to like me. It also meant we never slept together because I never felt safe emotionally with him.

 

 

 

I've been dumped, I've been rejected, I've been strung along. And yet, somehow, I learned not to let the rejection make me doubt my own self-worth. I looked for evidence that I was doomed romantically and I just didn't find it. Guys thought I was cute enough to ask out on dates, once in awhile I met a guy with whom I really clicked. My timeline on that front is 6 months to a year, so, really, Shadow, you have more opportunities than I did.

 

After reading He's just not that into you, I realized there was no reason to internalize the drama that comes with dating. Cute Guy was flaky and treated me poorly. He was the kind to show up spontaneously and stand me up for a date. I let it slide once, but after he stood me up a second time, I decided: "No more drama! Cut him loose". We met, we talked, he explained what was happening in his life that made him so flaky and I forced myself to believe the explanation and not internalize it as: "If only I was more attractive, this guy would do anything for me!" No, I was mature enough to realize that what he was saying was true. He wasn't ready for anything serious. Heck, I didn't want anything serious with a flaky guy.

 

I forced myself to let it go. I didn't text him, send him an email or internet stalk him. I forced myself not to dwell on it. Another Cute guy would come along eventually. And eh, maybe this one would be ready for a relationship.

 

Once I managed not to internalize the pain of Cute Guy's rejection, I was on fire. I had done it! I had handled rejection gracefully, without letting it damage my self-esteem. I had prioritized my own well-being! That summer I dated a lot and actually enjoyed it. The guys and I could usually agree within a few weeks of dating on whether or not we were compatible.

 

It was amazing. Taking the focus away from my own self-worth and placing it on whether or not the guys and I had what it took to build a relationship together really simplified my dating life. And since my ego wasn't on the line, I was a lot more chill about dating. I no longer checked my phone for messages, I didn't overanalyze everything my dates did and said. I paid attention to what I wanted. I communicated those needs to them. You wouldn't believe how much the guys I dated that summer appreciated the chill approach to dating. It was drama-free uncomplicated dating. I was looking for a relationship and having fun on the way to finding the right guy. I am still friends with most of the guys I dated that summer.

[Leigh 87]

While I do not think it is helpful to most men, when women make them make all the moves JUST to show they are " in to them", I DO think that it has to work both ways.

 

For example, if I felt a connection with a guy and that things were going well between us, I would give him enough signs to show him that I am in to HIM. I do not think that it is only HIS job to confirm that things are going well; it should be mutual, and logical.

 

If things go well, then each person should act accordingly. And not waiting for the GUY to make ALL the moves. The women should ALSO at least show she is interested if she is.

 

However, if I really felt things were going well with a guy, but I had not heard from him for a few days ( when before, he had acted like he was mroe in to me), then I would send him one text or msg to say I had a nice time, let me know if you wabnt to hang again.

 

That way, he has the choice to show if he is or if he is nto interested. I would not bother after that. THEN I would know that " he is just not that in to me".

 

AND YES. Of COURSE a guy should be " that in to you". WHY bother with a guy who just thinks your good enough for sex, but does not resperately d esire you? Why settle for a guy who does not want you badly?

[Kamille]

AND YES. Of COURSE a guy should be " that in to you". WHY bother with a guy who just thinks your good enough for sex, but does not resperately d esire you? Why settle for a guy who does not want you badly?

 

Preface: I'm relationship-minded and have been relationship-minded for most of my adult dating life.

 

As a result of this mindset, I never have sex with a guy until I know he's into me for more than just sex. Simple isn't it?

 

Note: that way, if it doesn't work out with a guy, I don't feel used. One: if I had sex with him it's because I wanted to. Two: if I have sex with a guy, it's because I believe we genuinely both liked and respected each other. Liking someone, however, does not necessarily mean we're compatible.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Kamille

[dispatch3d]

Do people actually take dating advice from movies? I'd be cautious. These movies are written to appeal to womens emotional sides. They aren't written to help women everywhere with their dating life (DESPITE what you may think). They make the characters much like you, and give them problems much like you have so you can identify with them. They can't ever really have the character find "Mr. Right" because then the show would be over with. They have to pose a continuous stream of "problems" in the "relationship" (ITS TV NOT REAL!!) otherwise there show will be over. Ie. you will never see the characters in the sex and the city be truly happy. That wouldn't work for them. All you're learning is how to NOT be sad. Lol not the best way to look at things ;-).

 

Awesome post though.

[EasyHeart]

Preface: I'm relationship-minded and have been relationship-minded for most of my adult dating life.

 

As a result of this mindset, I never have sex with a guy until I know he's into me for more than just sex. Simple isn't it?

Yes, it is. And it's shocking how many women don't understand something so simple.

 

Here's another hint from a guy's perspective: He may be really "into you" and thinking you have long-term potential, but if you start acting sexually early in the relationship, you get moved into the short-term fling category. One of the things we're doing during the first few dates is trying to decide if you're a 'dating-girl' or a 'fooling around-girl'.

[dispatch3d]

Yes, it is. And it's shocking how many women don't understand something so simple.

 

Here's another hint from a guy's perspective: He may be really "into you" and thinking you have long-term potential, but if you start acting sexually early in the relationship, you get moved into the short-term fling category. One of the things we're doing during the first few dates is trying to decide if you're a 'dating-girl' or a 'fooling around-girl'.

 

Hummm the difference between the two groups is the girls personality and value. The difference has nothing to do with how fast you sleep with the guy.

 

If I want to date a girl the fact I sleep with her early on isn't going to make me not want to date her anymore. That doesn't make any sense....

[Kamille]

Do people actually take dating advice from movies? I'd be cautious. These movies are written to appeal to womens emotional sides. They aren't written to help women everywhere with their dating life (DESPITE what you may think). They make the characters much like you, and give them problems much like you have so you can identify with them. They can't ever really have the character find "Mr. Right" because then the show would be over with. They have to pose a continuous stream of "problems" in the "relationship" (ITS TV NOT REAL!!) otherwise there show will be over. Ie. you will never see the characters in the sex and the city be truly happy. That wouldn't work for them. All you're learning is how to NOT be sad. Lol not the best way to look at things ;-).

 

Awesome post though.

 

Very good point D3.

 

I started this thread because of the multiple threads on here where women put their own sanity and well-being on the line to try and make sure a guy they hardly know likes them. These threads often contain the question 'into me?', if not in the title, at least in the OP. I wanted to point out that this obsession with "into me-ism" actually goes counter to the original intentions of the "into me" authors. It's original intention was to free women from worrying about dating, not to enslave them into compulsive behavior.

 

I do think "He's just not that into you" and other correlated dating advice books are a cultural phenomenon. Dating inc revenues have expanded exponentially in the 2000s. It makes me wonder if people are more anxious today about dating then they were in, say, the 1990s. I wonder if one of the pernicious effects of Dating inc. is that people now too easily perceive dating as a competition and forget, in the process, that if dating is a competition, landing a relationship isn't actually the finish line.

 

Establishing a relationship isn't the finish line, it's the beginning of letting someone in your life. People rush through dating, force emotional attachments and forget... If this works out, that person is going to be in my life for a long time. As you have pointed out yourself, relationships are not a prize, a happily ever-after or the solution to emotional problems. So, when dating, it actually doesn't make sense to put the onus on doing everything in your power to get someone to like you. It doesn't make sense to put your well-being on the line. What makes sense is to focus on figuring out if you could make things work for the long term. That means being yourself, flaws and all.

 

I have to say, though, that the book, LS and discussions with friends helped me realize that my ego was getting in the way of me leading a healthy love life. My own insecurities were preventing me from really getting to know the men in my life. It kept my attention focused on me, not on making sure that my dates and I had what it took to make a relationship work. When I did like my dates, I was too insecure to let them know so. It made me keep quiet about some very important needs of mine, because, above all, I wanted them to like me.

 

It's like I wanted them to love me before I started wondering whether or not we were compatible. Once I realized figuring out whether or not we were compatible came before love and "into-me-ism", I started enjoying dating. On average, it took me about a month of dating to figure out whether or not a guy was right for me. Dates and I would usually mutually agree to part or, in the case of BF, mutually agree that we made each other very happy. HNTY philosophy, in its own small way, nudged me in that direction.

[tigressA]

 

What makes sense is to focus on figuring out if you could make things work for the long term. That means being yourself, flaws and all.

 

I have to say, though, that the book, LS and discussions with friends helped me realize that my ego was getting in the way of me leading a healthy love life. My own insecurities were preventing me from really getting to know the men in my life. It kept my attention focused on me, not on making sure that my dates and I had what it took to make a relationship work. When I did like my dates, I was too insecure to let them know so. It made me keep quiet about some very important needs of mine, because, above all, I wanted them to like me..

 

I did some hardcore emphasis on these parts because I know exactly where you're coming from there. I've dealt with those issues and am still working on them. Before my current relationship, I had had no thoughts about making it work long-term. I wasn't concerned with that. So I ignored all my issues and blamed the guy when things didn't work out.

 

I also realized, reading this, that I never really knew any of the guys I dated. This was because of what you mentioned here: ego and insecurities. I am learning more every day about subduing my ego, making my needs known, and being myself. Not being afraid/insecure about saying certain things. Not worrying about impressing someone. And wouldn't you know it, my current relationship is starting to blossom as a result.

 

I would say the most valuable dating advice that has done me right is to be straightforward. If you're not having your needs met, then you need to establish clear boundaries.

Edited September 13, 2010 by tigressA

[dispatch3d]

Your ego gets in the way of all kinds of things. Not just dating.

[tigressA]

Well yes, of course, but we are talking about dating here, specifically.

[Kamille]

Yes, egos are pesky little things.

 

I'm glad things are working out in your R tigressA. So happy for you! It's really tough learning to assert yourself in a relationship, but it gets easier with repetition.