Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Most of us know the story behind the catch line, book, movie and dating philosophy « He’s just not that into you ». It was premiered in Sex and the City when one of Carey’s flames told Miranda that the reason a guy wasn’t calling her back wasn’t that there was something wrong with Miranda or with the guy, it was just that the guy « wasn’t that into her ». Miranda interpreted it to be emancipating. It was that simple. If a guy failed to display he was into her, than she could just move on with her life and stop worrying about what to do next. Her job was to be her fabulous self, pardon the SATC lingo, and one day things would work themselves out. I’ve noticed that the « not into you » philosophy can be used in quite counter-productive ways. While Miranda took it to mean she shouldn’t worry about a thing, a lot of women start paying way too much attention way too early to whether or not a guy is into them. Their whole dating strategy seems to be geared towards making sure men are into them. Women analyze how long it takes their beau to answer a text, call them, set up the next date. When he does get in touch, they look for hidden signs of interest and disinterest, mostly focusing on the negative. They put him on trial, perhaps forgetting to let him know what it is they like about him, foregoing the healthy idea of letting these men know what it is they need in order to thrive in a relationship and forgetting to thank him and be playful when he does show positive signs of interest. This can happen all before the third date when there is really no reason for either of the dating partners to have made up their minds yet as to whether or not they’re compatible partners. More importantly, these women perhaps forget what is great about them selves and focus too much on being liked. They forget to lead a fabulous life. They let the uncertainties of dating translate into insecurities, interpret a guy « not being into them » as a reflection on their attractiveness, instead of realizing that rejection is just a part of the natural process of finding someone who is right for them. What I don’t get about this mindset is that it assumes that if “only” they were more attractive, they would be compatible with anyone. Not so. We all have personality traits and the process of dating is the process of finding someone who you not only find attractive, but with whom you fit, as is. I mean, the point isn’t to land a boyfriend, any boyfriend, but to find a solid, sturdy, worthy long-term relationship partner, right? Someone wisely said, recently, that she had stopped focusing on finding the right guy and started focusing on finding the right relationship. I’m stealing this from her and I encourage her to lay claim to that saying So, to conclude this long-winded post: take your time when getting to know someone and don’t expect to be a priority until you’ve established you are compatible. Until then, don’t make your world revolve around a man. Continue to lead your fabulous life!
marlena Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Hi Kamille, As always, words of wisdom. Can I look forward to seeing you soon?
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 Hi Kamille, As always, words of wisdom. Can I look forward to seeing you soon? In the end, bf and I pooled our travel money and now he's coming over to this side of the pound so we can hang out in Europe together one more time. We miss each other like crazy and feel the need to reconnect. I won't be able to make it to Greece this year, but believe me, it's on my radar. Hopefully, soon, I will have a bigger travel budget!
waynebrady Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Women analyze how long it takes their beau to answer a text, call them, set up the next date. When he does get in touch, they look for hidden signs of interest and disinterest, mostly focusing on the negative. They put him on trial, perhaps forgetting to let him know what it is they like about him, foregoing the healthy idea of letting these men know what it is they need in order to thrive in a relationship and forgetting to thank him and be playful when he does show positive signs of interest. This can happen all before the third date when there is really no reason for either of the dating partners to have made up their minds yet as to whether or not they’re compatible partners. To me it seems like women are more concerned about what the man does for them than what they do for the man if that makes sense. Rarely do I see a woman calling the guy they are dating or initiating/setting up dates, texting them and so on. Women want the guy to prove themselves and work to get them basicly, kinda. It's like if a man doesn't call then the woman will get mad and start to wonder if he's not that into her anymore yet she won't ever call the guy. Women want the guy to show that they desire her, want her etc etc but they rarely want to reciprocate what the man does.
GooseChaser Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 People are self-centered. That's why.
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 To me it seems like women are more concerned about what the man does for them than what they do for the man if that makes sense. Rarely do I see a woman calling the guy they are dating or initiating/setting up dates, texting them and so on. Women want the guy to prove themselves and work to get them basicly, kinda. It's like if a man doesn't call then the woman will get mad and start to wonder if he's not that into her anymore yet she won't ever call the guy. Women want the guy to show that they desire her, want her etc etc but they rarely want to reciprocate what the man does. Good point waynebrady. Women basically disempower themselves when they focus too much on discerning a man's interest. They forget about women's most powerful tool: Men take delight in positive, flirtatious, female attention. Men love to be told they're doing great. Letting a man know you enjoy his company is more likely to get you a second date than whether or not you sleep with him.
GooseChaser Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Yep! In the same way, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to show that you're having a great time-- smiling (a smile always makes you look more attractive too), laughing, and just over all having a blast with him.
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 People are self-centered. That's why. I don't know if it's egotism, but the ego is definitely caught up in negative ways in the "is he into me" philosophy. This goes back to Sex and the City and the original idea of the book. The reason it worked for Miranda was because she accepted not every man was going to be into her. She didn't take a man not being into her to be a reflection of what a catch she was. In the end, we could say that she took it to mean that for whatever reason, he just didn't think they were compatible. The intention of the book was to help women let go of unnecessary drama. What seems to happen on the ego front is that some women internalize any and every form of rejection as a comment on their attractiveness. They fail to recognize one of the core principle of the books: your self-worth isn't determined by what a complete stranger thinks of you. Your self-worth is determined by you, how you organize your life and take care of your own physical and mental well-being.
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 Yep! In the same way, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to show that you're having a great time-- smiling (a smile always makes you look more attractive too), laughing, and just over all having a blast with him. The most lethal tool is the Kiss and Smile. It's obvious, but healthy reminders are always good: when kissing your romantic interest for the first time, make sure you let him know you enjoy it. It's simple. Smile as you kiss. Step back and have a glitter in your eye. Use the kiss and smile with discernment though. Only Kiss and Smile when you know you want the guy to call you back.
GooseChaser Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 The most lethal tool is the Kiss and Smile. It's obvious, but healthy reminders are always good: when kissing your romantic interest for the first time, make sure you let him know you enjoy it. It's simple. Smile as you kiss. Step back and have a glitter in your eye. Use the kiss and smile with discernment though. Only Kiss and Smile when you know you want the guy to call you back. I do that. It's only natural if you really like him, too. Hehehe.
LondonS Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Women are sometimes their own biggest enemies when it comes to sabotaging existing relationships and potentiol relationships.. I use to be one of the believers of all these phrases "He is not that into you", "Make him chase" " Play Hard to get" and yada yada.. No more!! I no longer check my phones for any reply, even if I really like the guy, I dont wait 3 days to reply texts, I express if I like a man...and most importantly, I maintain my own lifestyle...and it all works. Even the Guys who werent "that into me before" are now totally into me and the ones who are not... well who cares !! Not everyone has to like me.. Just a little self assurance and having own life goes long way !!
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Thank goodness for you, Kamille! It's been a while since I was very young and insecure, but I was. I know what it feels like. I would like to spare other women the needless pain that they can put themselves through by indulging in the behavior that comes from being in that place. It makes dating, and trying to connect, like a game of chess and strategy. The goal seems to be to have the guy be really "into" you. That's it. No thought of the journey to get to a relationship, or to decide not to go there. No "self" at all involved, on the part of the women ... just a huge need to be liked. If this need seems to be fulfilled, I really don't know what would be the next step. Probably a relationship filled with tests and games where the guy is meant to prove that he is really "into" her. And someday, barring a profound epiphany, the guy extricating himself and running for his life. I believe that the need that women like this are trying to get fulfilled by a man is a need that they themselves are responsible for fulfilling in their own lives. I asked on one thread about such a situation; "what is there about what you've shown this guy that he's supposed to be so 'into'?" That was perceived as mean. I did not intend it so. She had not shared anything of herself with this guy. That leaves out everything except the physical, which is further defeating. You can look like Angelina Jolie, Marilyn Monroe, or whoever ... there is ALWAYS someone more attractive somewhere. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I really think that is very unfair to guys, also. There is a good chance that the guy on the receiving end of all these games and self protective moves is a sincere fellow who would like to find a good relationship, just like he said on his profile, or whatever. Maybe he is open to having a good time getting to know a woman as they date and GRADUALLY reveal themselves to one another. Then, if he does not provide the right strokes, he probably doesn't even know what hit him when the weird behavior starts. Yes, there are awful cads around. They too are just playing a strategy game to see if they can win the prize. I think the prize for these guys is a sexual conquest, and for the girls, it's having a guy behave as if he's so, so, so "into" you. That all leads to nowhere. Even if we do get "played" by a player, we still went into it with our eyes open, standing up on our own two feet as an adult woman (or should have). We took a risk and it did not go well. That doesn't qualify you as a victim, much. There are circumstances in this life that really do. Women and men alike; we need to NOT allow ourselves to be in the role of victim, nor set up situations where the other is likely to fall into the role of "bad."
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) I maintain my own lifestyle...and it all works. Even the Guys who werent "that into me before" are now totally into me and the ones who are not... well who cares !! Not everyone has to like me.. Just a little self assurance and having own life goes long way !! I had the exact same experience LondonS. A guy friend from my hometown recently told me all of his friends have a crush on me. Learning to balance my own life and dating was a tough though. I remember the first time I really forced myself to stop focusing on the negative side of dating. I had just read He's not that into you while sitting in a corner of a local bookstore. As a result of that read, I decided I would stop worrying. Who cares if I give a guy a chance and it doesn't go anywhere? I'll never be able to figure out why it didn't work out. It's likely a reasonable explanation that doesn't warrant me questioning my sense of self-worth. He's multi-dating, he's not looking for anything serious, he's not over his ex, garlic breath makes him nauseous. There could be so many reasons, and only a less than 1% chance that it's because I'm a despicable human being completely unworthy of love. I gave up trying to figure out how men think. I liked myself. Heck, I loved my life. Surely there was a garlic-loving guy out there who was going to dig me. I considered myself pretty average-looking but I also had some assets: I had a curvaceous body and a lot of guys have told me they love my eyes. I knew for a fact there were at least a few guys out there, my exes, who thought I was hot. Time to stop focusing on my looks and start focusing on letting my personality shine through. The rest of this long post is me reminiscing about my first attempt at 1) not worrying about what a guy thought of me 2) just enjoying getting to know someone I thought was cute and 3) accepting that not every guy is going to be into me. Not a required read but I enjoyed writing it. A few weeks after reading He's not that into you, I was at a bar with a friend, where we quickly spotted a really cute guy. I knew I knew him from somewhere but couldn't place where. I also knew that wherever it was I had seen him before, I had thought back then what I was thinking in the bar: he was drop-dead gorgeous. One of the sexiest man alive. At one point in the night, on his way to a smoke, cute guy approaches me and asks: "Hi, we've been on a camping trip together years ago. Remember me? I'm -insert name here-". That's when it clicked! I remembered him because I had innocently crushed on him years before while on a group camping trip. "Right! How are you?" I respond. He tells me he's fine, asks me if I have a light, to which I reply that I don't and then he excuses himself and leaves. I turn to my friend who was looking at me in shock. "What is wrong with you!" she screams "you didn't even flirt with him!" It was about the fourth time that a friend had pointed out to me that I never flirted with guys I thought were cute. I tell her Cute guy wasn't flirting. He was just telling me about that time we had gone camping together. To which she furrowed her brows and answers: "Yes, and he was totally hitting on you!" We argue it out and then she tells me: "Fine, either way, there's no harm in going to talk to him again. He came up to us, didn't he? Worst comes to worst, he's a nice guy who's not into you." She bums a cigarette from someone and we go outside for a smoke. She manages things so that I'm standing next to cute guy. We slowly start chatting again. He tells me he's back in town after living abroad for a long time and we start really hitting it off. He walks me home that night, tells me he likes me, we kiss on the doorstep and that is that. He didn't push it. I was hooked! Please note, we hadn't even exchanged phone numbers or made any other plans. I watched him walk away, thinking to myself: "I can't believed I just kissed -His name and Last name-!" I fleetingly wondered if I was ever going to see him again, but forced myself not to let it worry me. Who cares? Not only had a hottie just hit on me, he had just kissed me! I hadn't even crossed any of my boundaries. Three days after the kiss, guess who shows up on my doorstep? He said he was going for a nature hike and asked me if I wanted to come along. I was so amazed that he was there that I joyfully joined him. We dated for about a month and then he told he thought I was lovely but that for legitimate reasons, he wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship. Since I had decided no more drama, I accepted his reason, told myself that it was fine that he wasn't into me, and moved on. Hey, maybe I could kiss more total hotties in the process of finding my next bf! Cute guy called six months later asking me how I was, apologizing for how he had left me even though he needn't have apologized, hinted he felt ready and asked me if I wanted to go out on a date. I was seeing Ex-BF3 at the time, so I declined. We sporadically keep in touch now and are always happy to see each other. It took him six more months and he now also has a girlfriend. Edited September 12, 2010 by Kamille
marlena Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 In the end, bf and I pooled our travel money and now he's coming over to this side of the pound so we can hang out in Europe together one more time. We miss each other like crazy and feel the need to reconnect. I won't be able to make it to Greece this year, but believe me, it's on my radar. Hopefully, soon, I will have a bigger travel budget! Ah, what a pity! But at least I know you will be in good hands! Be happy!
Star Gazer Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Someone wisely said, recently, that she had stopped focusing on finding the right guy and started focusing on finding the right relationship. I’m stealing this from her and I encourage her to lay claim to that saying I'm honored.
Star Gazer Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 So, to conclude this long-winded post: take your time when getting to know someone and don’t expect to be a priority until you’ve established you are compatible. Until then, don’t make your world revolve around a man. Continue to lead your fabulous life! I'd modify this... Don't expect to be a priority until you are each other's priority.
somedude81 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 They forget about women's most powerful tool: Men take delight in positive, flirtatious, female attention. Men love to be told they're doing great. Letting a man know you enjoy his company is more likely to get you a second date than whether or not you sleep with him. Wow, somebody who gets it!
marlena Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Good point waynebrady. Women basically disempower themselves when they focus too much on discerning a man's interest. They forget about women's most powerful tool: Men take delight in positive, flirtatious, female attention. Men love to be told they're doing great. Letting a man know you enjoy his company is more likely to get you a second date than whether or not you sleep with him. Absolutely, this is the secret. Make a man feel ten feet tall and he's all yours.
USMCHokie Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Absolutely, this is the secret. Make a man feel ten feet tall and he's all yours. Yep, this gets my stamp of approval.
K'aycie Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Absolutely, this is the secret. Make a man feel ten feet tall and he's all yours. I don't see it as a secret, more so, pretty easy to do. I could easily throw my vagina around to every tom dick and harry, but...um, no thanks.
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 I don't see it as a secret' date=' more so, pretty easy to do. I could easily throw my vagina around to every tom dick and harry, but...um, no thanks.[/quote'] Unless one truly enjoys sex for sex's sake, the women throwing their vagina around to harness male attention aren't honest with themselves. If a man treats you well, let him know. Sex isn't the only way to make a man feel appreciated. Take the time to let your guy know what it is about him that makes you smile.
K'aycie Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Unless one truly enjoys sex for sex's sake, the women throwing their vagina around to harness male attention aren't honest with themselves. If a man treats you well, let him know. Sex isn't the only way to make a man feel appreciated. Take the time to let your guy know what it is about him that makes you smile. Oh I agree. Well, I did manage to maintain long LTR's, so I think I did alright in that department. But, obviously they didn't last forever, so me thinks I need to work on that part.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 The only guy from online dating that showed super high interest level from the first date (well even before the first date ) turned out to be clingy, needy and more emotionally unhealthy than I am. So now I am re-thinking the whole "really into me" thing.
Author Kamille Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) Of course, there are men who revel in any kind of female attention, be it positive or negative. Avoid the ones who revel in negative attention. We all know that people who revel in negative attention, be they male or female, are usually drama kings or queens. Don't feed the trolls please. Edited September 12, 2010 by Kamille
Lishy Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Of course, there are men who revel in any kind of female attention, be it positive or negative. Avoid the ones who revel in negative attention. We all know that people who revel in negative attention, be they male or female, are usually drama kings or queens. Don't feed the trolls please. This thread is great!! And 100% correct!!
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