Still Pining

[mgene15]

So this girl I said i bumped into at walmart texted me today askin how my thanksgiving was, and I told her it was great and asked her how her's was, and we both agreed we should do something sometime, and I've been wanting to watch megamind in theatres really bad , so we set up a date for tomorrow night to the theatres and coffee afterwards. I no i've only been NC for a month and a week but I've been single for 3 months, but I feel it can't hurt. any tips on what not 2 say or what to say? I feel I am ready, but this is going to be a bit strange since it is the first date I've had since the ex, ajax input? haha

[Gt.ooh]

There's nothing really to say. Just be yourself and how you were to get her number in the first place, everything else will come naturally...

 

I was surprised when I went on my date that not a thought came up of the ex....and I went for sushi. Something we did every friday together...

 

Just be you, there's not really a set guide to what you should and shouldn't say, just common sense, confidence, and let the rest take care of itself.

 

Good luck to both of you guys and LMK how it goes. I'm hoping to re-schedule for sunday, or early next week as well.

[SmileyGirl]

Hi Ajax!

 

I, too am from western new york and hey.. maybe it's just the water.. that all of us wny girls are emotional? LoL... But, good job on the no contact and kudos to being able to go out with other girls again. I honestly think it's very healthy to at the very least get out there and start seeing people again... get your mind off the ex and at the VERY least you will hopefully get a friend out of the deal!

 

I also agree make sure to not bring up the ex

 

Good Luck with everything!

[Ajax]

Hi Ajax!

 

I, too am from western new york and hey.. maybe it's just the water.. that all of us wny girls are emotional? LoL... But, good job on the no contact and kudos to being able to go out with other girls again. I honestly think it's very healthy to at the very least get out there and start seeing people again... get your mind off the ex and at the VERY least you will hopefully get a friend out of the deal!

 

I also agree make sure to not bring up the ex

 

Good Luck with everything!

 

I definately won't bring up the ex. I only ever talk about her on here these days. I don't talk about her with any of my friends or family anymore since that old song and dance was getting old. And the less I talked about her the less I thought about her.

 

As for the new girl, we talked last night but I didn't ask her to come over. I'm beyond the point where she would be a rebound and I really see potential for this to become something, so I want to do things right! That means not moving too fast or being "too available." We're going to dinner tomorrow and if things go well I'll see if she wants to come back for a drink, and hopefully that first kiss

[Ajax]

So this girl I said i bumped into at walmart texted me today askin how my thanksgiving was, and I told her it was great and asked her how her's was, and we both agreed we should do something sometime, and I've been wanting to watch megamind in theatres really bad , so we set up a date for tomorrow night to the theatres and coffee afterwards. I no i've only been NC for a month and a week but I've been single for 3 months, but I feel it can't hurt. any tips on what not 2 say or what to say? I feel I am ready, but this is going to be a bit strange since it is the first date I've had since the ex, ajax input? haha

 

When I went out on my first date I had no idea what to talk about beforehand. Fortunately we got along really well and things just kind of flowed. Keep things light and fun. If she asks you a serious question answer honestly but don't get too hung up on it. Movies are tough for first dates because it doesn't give you much of a chance to talk and sitting next to them you'll wonder if you should try to hold her hand or not. Coffee afterward is good though.

[mgene15]

so today is a big day for me, work in this lowzy weather and then a movie date with cofee at 6:35, hope everything goes well and will keep you guys posted, it's strange because like GT said, this will also be the first time i have shaved since the breakup with the ex, like going through all the motions again.

[Gt.ooh]

Good luck man. Keep us updated.

[mgene15]

So tonight was a success! first date was great, we had light conversation before the movie started, and then after had coffee and chatted it up, very nice first date I would say. I ended up getting home with a text from her saying it was a wonderful evening and she had a great time and that she would love to go on a second date. I'm thinkin i'm gonna wait a day or two and ask how she's doin and then from there maybe bring up date number 2.

[Gt.ooh]

Cool deal.

[mgene15]

GT and ajax definitely keep me updated with your guy's situations as well on this thread, as it helps me. we all gotta get this ship turned around

[Ajax]

My date was also a success. We went to a greek restaurant for dinner and the she agreed to come back to my place for a drink. At first i wasn't getting a whole lot of positive vibes from her... not too much physical contact. But the conversation was still good. It flowed so well in fact that it was hard to find a spot when it would be appropriate to go for the kiss. Eventually I manned up and did it... which lead to a nice hour long make-out session. At that point the contact barrier was shattered and the physical contact was pretty constant.

 

We're getting together again Wednesday, and I'm thinking of inviting her to a Christmas party my friends are having next weekend.

[Gt.ooh]

Excellent! I hope for date #2 this week.. The first kiss is a big step man, I give you congrats... I'm quite a shy guy when it comes to that stuff. But I think inviting a person back to your place turning on the tele' makie some coffee or drink, you can get a good gauge that way..

 

When you take them out for dinner, drive them home..you may have had a great dinner and convo, but it's hard to judge if they're that interested for the next move.. Ajax, that was a good move. To me if they don't want to hang out after, at either places, they're not "that" interested yet...or not interested in making another move.

 

My ex was my first everything, so I'm definitely more confident, but I still have work to do.

Edited November 29, 2010 by Gt.ooh

[Ajax]

Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot. And good luck with your ventures back into the dating world.

 

Maybe it's dating again, or maybe it's that the years coming to a close, or maybe it's a bit of both, but today I've been assessing where I've been and where I am, and it's making me a little depressed again. It was August 14th that my ex left me out of the blue, and September 2nd since I've had any contact with her. These 3-4 months my life has been completely turned upside down, and I'm just now getting it back together.

 

This semester I am "working" on a capstone project and a draft is due this month. In all honesty, I've barely started it and I've hardly talked to my advisor. Ultimately my ex isn't responsible for me having done so little work on it, but it feels that way to me. I've spent so much time and energy into trying to feel OK again that I've neglected my responsibilities. And that makes me feel that much more useless.

 

I really like this new girl, and want to keep seeing her, but I have some pretty serious reservations as well. Firstly, I don't want to get hurt again. But beyond that, I look at the devastation that occured when my ex left and I wonder if that would have happened to someone who was mentally and emotionally healthy. I couldn't control whether she stayed or left, but I feel like I let myself sink too far down into the depression. When I look at it this way I almost feel like what my ex described her feelings when she left, depressed, confused, and uncertain about the future. I do not want to do to someone else what was done to me.

[Gt.ooh]

I think in this case Ajax, you gotta go with what your feeling and pursue it..If you feel your moving to fast with the new girl, take a step back tell her your not looking for a relationship, or maybe you are... Just remember that since we've been put down in the dumps, we don't want to put ourselves out there nearly as much.

 

I would go for this new girl, have fun...You said yourself you had fun, and to me that's what it's all about right now...seeings we don't want to get hurt this bad again. Just don't worry about what may/may not happen. And go with the flow. I wouldn't live by that motto; however, at this point in time in our lives..use it.

 

Keep us posted. I'm trying to arrange date 2.. and I've been surfing a dating site, just seeing. It never hurt.

[Ajax]

I think in this case Ajax, you gotta go with what your feeling and pursue it..If you feel your moving to fast with the new girl, take a step back tell her your not looking for a relationship, or maybe you are... Just remember that since we've been put down in the dumps, we don't want to put ourselves out there nearly as much.

 

I would go for this new girl, have fun...You said yourself you had fun, and to me that's what it's all about right now...seeings we don't want to get hurt this bad again. Just don't worry about what may/may not happen. And go with the flow. I wouldn't live by that motto; however, at this point in time in our lives..use it.

 

Keep us posted. I'm trying to arrange date 2.. and I've been surfing a dating site, just seeing. It never hurt.

 

Thanks for the advice GT. I'm still planning to see where things go with this new girl. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and questioning how I've handled things the past few months. I'm still bitter towards my ex. She definately treated me with disrespect and hurt me. But I think that if I'd been a stronger person I wouldn't have fallen apart the way i did. And now because i did fall so far I have a lot to make up for. I've got so much work to do that I should've been doing when I was pining away over my ex.

[mgene15]

right on ajax! , got a kiss on the 2nd date not too shabby. Yea i feel what you are saying. I two am a little hesitant to put myself out there like that because of the hurt I have suffered, but it's a new person an what's not to say that this new girl in all 3 of our lives is different, gotta give it a shot right? So I got date number 2 this weekend, were going bowling and then out to see christmas decorations in this fancy neighborhood about 10 miles away, she was very excited when I mentioned it to her and I am excited as well, every now and then I will look back, and see the same thing. I got dumped in late august, and NC for about a month and a few weeks, and I to feel things are going fast, but not in a bad way necessarily, just an odd way i guess you can say, I certainly would like a kiss on the 2nd date but If I don't get one it won't be the end of the world for me, I'll actually be happy because I wanna take things very slow, i feel It is right.

[Gt.ooh]

I feel the exact same way.. I'm not planning on a kiss whatsoever. I plan to go slow mo. A hug and a good part I think would be a good ending for me. This girl that I've met, seems a little hesitant as well..I think she's nervous. As far as I know she got out of a long relationship about a year ago, and I think she's testing the waters as well..so I must go slow. We got along great, she said she had a great time last date, so we'll see.

 

I honestly think this is more of a friends deal than anything else....which is ok with me. You have to make new friends, and expand your network.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Gt.ooh

[mgene15]

yea one day at a time, baby steps.will inform you guys on how my 2nd date goes this weekend.

[Gt.ooh]

Yea, honestly the more I think about it..I'm not ready for a relationship anyways..theses days (3 months later) I'm missing the physical part of the relationship. Not so much being with someone all the time..

 

I'm by no means a player, but right now I wish I had more "game".. oh well guess have to let life take it's course.

 

I also got a txt from the girl, and she wanted to be honest in being friends. She didn't want to lead me on. And I really respect that..so dinner tonight no pressure as friends. I'm hitting the dating site hard these days, and see what comes of it.

 

I wish I could go for a beer with you guys..

Edited December 1, 2010 by Gt.ooh

[Ajax]

I wish I could go for a beer with you guys..

 

That would be fun

[Fermentum]

I'm in a similar situation, Ajax. I left the ex and my city behind to come to a new place for Grad School. And the move's been hard; I'm trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be and what the best next step for me. I left my ex with all our friends, our apartment and our life. And while the move has been exactly what I needed at this point in my life, it's still hard to know she still has all those things. I know for certain that the program is great, it's the best thing for me and that the breakup was for the best, but that doesn't stop me pining for her and for our life. Head versus heart. So focus on school and yourself. We always lose a big chunk of our identity when we break up with someone. It's up to you to find something new to fill it with.

 

And I've been dating again, and it does help. Not just the intimacy, but the feeling of being wanted and desired again, and having someone to spend time with. It doesn't replace them, but it helps. But go slow! Desperation is not only a turnoff, but will hurt you when you're let down in the short run.

 

Hope it helps.

[mgene15]

definitely a beer would be awesome with you guys, and fermentum you are 100% correct, I feel like all my happyness depended on my ex(an that's a bad thing), I was always tell myself no matter how bad of a day I had, I was still happy because of her, when she was happy, I was. So for me I miss the part of someone being there that cared about me. not so much my ex individually. I truly never thought that 4 months ago when i got dumped that I could make it this far, I felt like I couldn't move, and now its almost like she's in the past, not forgotten but in the past. I feel alot stronger then I did when I was with her to be quite honest

[mgene15]

and GT have a great time, have some damn laughs! that's always good, enjoy yourself.

[Ajax]

We always lose a big chunk of our identity when we break up with someone. It's up to you to find something new to fill it with.

 

It's true. My ex actually said once that she didn't want to "lose herself" in a relationship. Now that I think about it, that should have been a red flag right there. That's what people do at points in a relationship, they get caught up in it and "lose themselves." It becomes part of our identity and when it's gone we lose the part of ourselves given to the relationship.

 

Today is a rainy day in western NY. I'm going into the library to work on that miserable capstone. Then the new girl is coming over and we're going to make waffles. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

[YSS]

Thanks for the advice GT. I'm still planning to see where things go with this new girl. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and questioning how I've handled things the past few months. I'm still bitter towards my ex. She definately treated me with disrespect and hurt me. But I think that if I'd been a stronger person I wouldn't have fallen apart the way i did. And now because i did fall so far I have a lot to make up for. I've got so much work to do that I should've been doing when I was pining away over my ex.

 

Ajax

Great to hear you are moving forward.

 

I disagree with your sentiment that if you had been a stronger person you would not have fallen apart the way you did. I say this because of my own experience and journey towards healing. At least for me, I was at the best place emotionally, mentally, physically when I met my EX. Right or wrong, he led me to believe he too was in the same "head space" and as a result his actions and words led me to believe that. I fell hard for him, I cared for him and we both looked foward to moving our relationship forward. However, like your EX he became depressed, his fears held him back, he was unsure about everything....truth be told, pretty much all of it had nothing to do with me. At the end I was devastated and for the longest time I did beat myself up thinking how weak and pathetic I was and that perhaps I was also messed up. In counselling i realized, that anyone is my shoes would of reacted the same way. Bottom line, when we are hurt, we are hurt. It does not imply we are weak, not together etc. Utilmately, if we are led to believe our partner wants a future with us and is content, how could we be anythign but devestated when they walk away.

 

Give yourself a break and enjoy the time with the new girl. Move forward with your life and when the self-doubts come up (as they will), don't let them overtake and sabotage any future possibility for fun, happiness and new memories. As a wise person said to me, Our decisions/choices are about two things 1) move us forward to what we want the most or 2) hold us back due to our fears. Always ask yourself which direction your decision will move you. Enjoy the third date

 

Good luck to you.