aroll32 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So I've been dating this girl for about 4 months. I think she's great, and I honestly do love this girl with all my heart. She told me she's falling for me with the first two months! So we moved back up to school, we both go to the same college. Things are normal, until lately. On Sunday she told me she's not happy with the way things are. Maybe we should just be friends for now, maybe it's not the right time. I told her how much I care, and I want to be with her. At first she was reluctant. Then she thought about how much she would miss me and started crying. We told each other we would never leave each other. Yesterday, she found out that she's far behind in a class she already failed and if she doesn't pass this time, she won't be able to get into nursing school. So her whole future is in jeopardy. She told me she thinks we need to spend some time without seeing each other as much since we're together almost all day every day. I agreed, since I need to focus on school as well. She told me she still wants to talk and stuff, but she hasn't made it clear if she is going to want to be with me after this. I asked her, and she said she doesn't have an honest answer since her head is so clouded. Oh, she's has a hectic job schedule as well. But I don't know what to do. I know this girl cares for me, but I don't want to be strung along again. Or for her to be trying to let mr down easy. What do you think?
terra Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Sounds like she likes you, although is feeling the stresses of all the commitments in her life. Perhaps talking with her and working out a schedule that works for the both of you. If you care about her and she cares about you maybe just plan to spend Saturday afternoons/evenings together. Once a week, the rest of the time is focused on school/work (whatever works for you). If she doesn't feel the pressure to see you so often she can focus on her work and school (you can do the same) without worrying about disappointing the other.
lso802 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I think her reasoning is legit. Since she's busy with work and trying to get into nursing school, that can be difficult. When she does get into nursing school, it's going to take up a lot of her time. If you're cool with it, stick with her. If you're not, you should let her go.
Author aroll32 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 terra, that's a great idea. Next time I talk to her, I'll try and figure something like that out. Thank you. Iso, I think her reasoning is legit too. My problem is that she's unsure whether or not she wants to still date me after this whole time apart thing. I could tell by her face yesterday that she was pretty upset about what was happening. But she hasn't contacted me yet, so I'm a bit nervous. I would be devastated if she breaks up with me.
D-Lish Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 She told me she's falling for me with the first two months! That can be a red flag, sometimes people that move too fast, also run out of steam just as fast. (just something to consider). Things are normal, until lately. On Sunday she told me she's not happy with the way things are. Maybe we should just be friends for now, maybe it's not the right time. I told her how much I care, and I want to be with her. At first she was reluctant. Then she thought about how much she would miss me and started crying. We told each other we would never leave each other. What happened is that she really was trying to break up with you- just conflicted about it. I truly think she cares, which is why she let you talk her out of the break up initially- but her heart isn't in it right now. So her whole future is in jeopardy. She told me she thinks we need to spend some time without seeing each other as much since we're together almost all day every day. I agreed, since I need to focus on school as well. She told me she still wants to talk and stuff, but she hasn't made it clear if she is going to want to be with me after this. I asked her, and she said she doesn't have an honest answer since her head is so clouded. Oh, she's has a hectic job schedule as well. But I don't know what to do. I know this girl cares for me, but I don't want to be strung along again. Or for her to be trying to let mr down easy. I know I am saying some things you don't want to hear at this point- but just because she is in a bad place right now with everything else going on doesn't mean that if she gets that part of her life straightened out, that she'll want to return to the relationship. I think what you really need to do right now is give her 100% space. She may or may not come around, but it's your best course of action right now. She can't miss you if you are available to her. It's obvious she cares- but that isn't always enough to keep a relationship together. Whatever you do, don't go this "friend route"- it NEVER works out. It always seems like such a great idea initially, but it's not. Concentrate on your studies right now- throw yourself into school and make time for friends to keep yourself occupied. I am sorry that you are going through this heartache:(
Author aroll32 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 That can be a red flag, sometimes people that move too fast, also run out of steam just as fast. (just something to consider). She's had past relationships that have lasted 3 and 5 years. So I don't know what I can do to turn this into something long term. I know relationships will have there ups and downs, and that's why I want to try and work this out with her. happened is that she really was trying to break up with you- just conflicted about it. I truly think she cares, which is why she let you talk her out of the break up initially- but her heart isn't in it right now. I agree. She did, but when I asked her how she would feel tomorrow knowing I'm not there, she couldn't take it. She started saying she loves me, never leave her etc. etc. know I am saying some things you don't want to hear at this point- but just because she is in a bad place right now with everything else going on doesn't mean that if she gets that part of her life straightened out, that she'll want to return to the relationship. I think what you really need to do right now is give her 100% space. She may or may not come around, but it's your best course of action right now. She can't miss you if you are available to her. It's obvious she cares- but that isn't always enough to keep a relationship together. Whatever you do, don't go this "friend route"- it NEVER works out. It always seems like such a great idea initially, but it's not. Concentrate on your studies right now- throw yourself into school and make time for friends to keep yourself occupied. I am sorry that you are going through this heartache:( I am giving her space. I'm not contacting her. Not doing anything to do with her. It's tough, but it's all I can do. I just want to know she's not dragging this out, trying to let me down easy. Sucks
meerkat stew Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 When they say stuff like that, it's time to walk, not negotiate or beg like you have been doing. I suspect you have spent way too much time together in the first two months, and this has killed her attraction. Women who love you, or merely dig you, never ever ask for space. Sorry, but this one is done, move on to other options. Also, 50% chance at least that there is another guy in the picture.
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I know this girl cares for me, but I don't want to be strung along again. Or for her to be trying to let mr down easy. What do you think? No she doesnt care for you. Let her go and find some one who really does care. Girls are notorious for giving the "I need space" speech. It's just a cowardly way of breaking up with you.
Mutant Debutante Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 When they say stuff like that, it's time to walk, not negotiate or beg like you have been doing. I suspect you have spent way too much time together in the first two months, and this has killed her attraction. Women who love you, or merely dig you, never ever ask for space. Sorry, but this one is done, move on to other options. Also, 50% chance at least that there is another guy in the picture. Well, usually all that might be true. But when I was going through a big transition with taking on custody of my sisters, and I was stressed trying to figure everything out and get used to a new role, I was dating a guy I liked a LOT but I asked him for some space. I couldn't concentrate on everything at the same time and it wasn't fair to him to ask him to try to be a part of all the family stuff, not at that point. So never say never. It's hard to say if the OP's girl is legit but she does have a lot of important stuff going on it sounds like.
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Well, usually all that might be true. But when I was going through a big transition with taking on custody of my sisters, and I was stressed trying to figure everything out and get used to a new role, I was dating a guy I liked a LOT but I asked him for some space. I couldn't concentrate on everything at the same time and it wasn't fair to him to ask him to try to be a part of all the family stuff, not at that point. So never say never. It's hard to say if the OP's girl is legit but she does have a lot of important stuff going on it sounds like. Just curious, after all your troubles had calmed down, did you get back with this guy? The op is simply getting blown off with the typical "I need space" speech.
Mutant Debutante Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Yes, I tried to get back together with him, after 2 months of getting my family life together. I couldn't make it go back the way it had been though because my life had changed, I had totally different responsibilities. So he ended up cheating on me and leaving.
that girl Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 When they say stuff like that, it's time to walk, not negotiate or beg like you have been doing. I suspect you have spent way too much time together in the first two months, and this has killed her attraction. Women who love you, or merely dig you, never ever ask for space. Sorry, but this one is done, move on to other options. Lots of people dial back contact when they have a lot of school/work stress. There are also people who use this as an excuse, but being worried you will fail a big class sounds legit to me.
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Yes, I tried to get back together with him, after 2 months of getting my family life together. I couldn't make it go back the way it had been though because my life had changed, I had totally different responsibilities. So he ended up cheating on me and leaving. I'm sorry you had to go through that
meerkat stew Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 People go through financial ruin and dread diseases without needing a break from their SO. Nothing OP describes in his girl's life sounds all that pressing. She just wants out. Ironically, OP, didn't want to say this at first, because it can encourage false hope, but the -only- way to get one back that says she needs space, is to withdraw immediately and entirely, give her infinite space and silence, and go out and have fun dating other women. Sometimes, a few months (not weeks anything before "months" is just her weaning herself off you) down the road, usually after dating others, they will realize they made a horrible life mistake. They will come straight back to you then on bended knee professing their error. Also ironically, by that time, you will likely have realized that she wasn't all that great and usually don't want her back. C'est la vie.
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 There are also people who use this as an excuse, but being worried you will fail a big class sounds legit to me. Not to me. That's the perfect excuse for dumping someone. I will promise you this girl is over and done with this guy. What would happen if they were married? "Gee hon, I have this big class coming up, so could you do me a favor and hit the road?" Not likely
CLC2008 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 This: She's probably telling you the truth, as she sees it at the moment. She might NOT be looking for a relationship, and she might NOT want one at the moment. But love knows no bounds. When someone finds the right person for him/her (and they have 1/2 a chance of spending any time together) he/she won't be able to help themselves.
Author aroll32 Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 I'd like to clear some stuff up. We had a Short convo today by texting. I left a book at her house that I need so I'm gonna go get it sometime this weekend. For the people saying her reason is not legit, I understand why you are saying this, but that's not how it is. This is a huge problem for her. Her whole plan for a career is up in the air. I know this girl cares for me a lot. It's not something anyone on here can understand except me. So yeah Also, she is a great person, and I know she's not looking for an excuse to dump me. She's made it clear that she's overwhelmed with everything, she really needs time alone. She needs to focus on school first, not me. And I agree, We can put our relationship on hold until everything calms down. She's not a liar, but she is extremely sensitive. I'm not contacting her or anything. I know she will come to me eventually.
D-Lish Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 She's had past relationships that have lasted 3 and 5 years. So I don't know what I can do to turn this into something long term. I know relationships will have there ups and downs, and that's why I want to try and work this out with her. I agree. She did, but when I asked her how she would feel tomorrow knowing I'm not there, she couldn't take it. She started saying she loves me, never leave her etc. etc. I am giving her space. I'm not contacting her. Not doing anything to do with her. It's tough, but it's all I can do. I just want to know she's not dragging this out, trying to let me down easy. Sucks In order to work things out, both parties have to be on the same page- and since she's not on that page anymore, there is little point in waiting around to see if she comes around in the future. As tough as it is to withdraw, you're right in doing so. I've gone through tough times and broken up with people during those times, but I've never looked back with regret after getting settled. I've also gone through tough times and leaned on my partner to help me through it. I could see someone failing classes and deciding to cut back on the amount of time they spend with their partner to focus on studies- that seems reasonable... But she sounds like she is coming from a place that runs deeper than just feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes you have to consider what people do, and not what they say. I don't doubt that she cares and this decision is difficult for her. Break ups aren't always black and white, and she's obviously conflicted. I just don't think it's in your best interest to "wait and hope"... That keeps you stuck. Just keep yourself busy for the time being, and make sure you keep your own grades up. She might come back a month from now feeling more grounded, but she might not. It's best to treat it as a break up and proceed that way.
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I know she will come to me eventually. I hope for you sake you are right. Just keep in mind that it virtually never happens that way
Author aroll32 Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 I know it's not just school and work, she told me she's not happy with how things are. Which I can understand, both of us are broke and can't affof to do anything exciting. But somethings telling me that after all of this, she will come around. Then again, I can see her breaking up with me. I know she misses me. And I'm keeping as distant as possible to keep her missing me. I know this isn't really that important, but she hasn't ended the relationship on facebook.
lso802 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I see girls trying to get into nursing school study day and night. Repeat classes they got a C in and even consider retaking classes they got a B in, and some of them don't work. In addition, they've got to pass the TEAS test. I cringe looking at them.
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I know she misses me. And I'm keeping as distant as possible to keep her missing me. I got bad news for you. She doesnt miss you. If she did she would be with you.
Author aroll32 Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 If she doesn't miss me, why would she text me before she even got home from work?
skydiveaddict Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 (edited) If she doesn't miss me, why would she text me before she even got home from work? To displace guilt. Like I said, I hope it works out for you. But I think you should prepare for the worst. A better question to ask yourself might be why is she not with you now? Is it really because of a class? c'mon, some guys in my unit had girls waiting for them for over a year to come home. And your girl can't handle a single class? Be realistic my friend Edited September 10, 2010 by skydiveaddict
CLC2008 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 If she doesn't miss me, why would she text me before she even got home from work? Apples to oranges. It's the same reason when a guy says he isn't interested in a relationship, but still wants to have sex with you.
Recommended Posts