inappropriate relationship?

[dispatch3d]

Some aspects of their "friendship" is certainly inappropriate - I don't think it happens often, but for example she has drunkenly texted him late at night/early in the morning. Another example is that at a party I was not at I was told after the fact by several people that her flirting (with my bf and another girl's bf) was out of control, and they both were flirting back.

 

I also suspect that he likes the attention he gets from her, which of course I don't like.

 

But, as you said, since at this point it seems she will no longer be invited to things, and he will no longer be accepting her invitation, maybe I am being too sensitive over the occasional FB wall post.

 

My bf told me that she sent him a message over an online chat thing if he knew anyone in our area that's hiring, since she's looking for a new job. He immediately thought of me because my company/job is amazing and is always hiring - I probably would not help this girl out, but I definitely won't help her out if she doesn't ask me herself - she knows what I do and she has all my contact information to include my phone number. So, I tested her again by texting her if she wanted to meet up for lunch - no response.

 

Lol stop these tests. She probably thinks you are going to lunch with her to tell her off or back off, whatever.

 

If the flirting was "out of control" is true then that's over the line. However she may be spreading rumours to attempt to break you two up.

 

It doesn't sound like on the surface he's doing anything wrong. If she gets out of hand he just goes and tells you whats up, so he's obviously not reciprocating anything (like the drunken text he could have deleted and never told you). I think he's just trying to be nice to a certain extent. I don't think you can stop him from talking to her online. The no invites to events thing is kinda iffy, if she's in your group of friends. IDK Since you have that going for you already there's no a huge worry, even tho she may end up at something uninvited.

 

Also sounds like if you say "I am not comfortable with x" that he listens and respects that. So an ultimatum/something of that sort seems completely unnecessary. Your problem would be in not a clear enough/defined enough boundary rather than a lack of needing to back it up (he seems to take them seriously regardless).

[2sure]

its not like 2sure told u to kill some one... just to dump a guy who is probably cheating on you and obviously has no respect for you and lacks boundariess required for a relationship to continue

 

 

Just wanted to point out that I am 2sure and have not previously posted in this thread. 2sunny did.

[O'Malley]

 

And by not put up with it, I mean, I would have a talk with him and let him know how much it bothered me, and that it needed to stop. And if it didn't stop, I'd be outta there.

 

Time to have a pretty serious chat with your guy, and honestly, his reaction will be telling. If he gets defensive, angry, or tries to make you feel like you're overreacting, then his feelings for the ex go deeper than he's letting on.

 

If he truly has no romantic feelings for her, it should be easy to make the decision. It's not like they've been best friends or even close since you met him...it sounds like she re-entered the picture more than a year after your relationship started. That's a deal-breaker.

 

I agree. I will say that I wouldn't be thrilled if my bf was friends with his ex (neither of us are), but in such a situation the context of their interaction matters. This isn't an ex turned platonic friend, where both people have moved on from their feelings long before you came into the picture. There's been inappropriate contact and flirting in the not too distant past, and there's been no real effort made by your boyfriend to include you in this friendship.

 

I also suspect that he likes the attention he gets from her, which of course I don't like.

 

It doesn't hurt to discuss this with your boyfriend, even though he already knows how uncomfortable you are about it. If he refuses to give up contact with her, you either have to accept the status quo or decide if you want to stay in a relationship where you don't share compatible views on boundaries.

[robdrm32]

an ultimatum? ummmm, no. that doesn't DO anything.

 

how about breaking up with him. be honest.

 

"hey, i'm calling this quits - because you don't hold ME as YOUR priority - based on the fact that you continue to disrespect and disregard me by continuing your inappropriate "friendship" with her."

 

"since SHE seems to be more important in your life than me, i'm leaving."

 

bah bye...

 

THAT is what a healthy boundary looks like when YOU put it into action... he crossed the line = you do something about it - since you will not tolerate his bad behavior.

 

 

can you do that?

 

hmm ultimatum doesn't do anything, but she should just walk away without communicating her needs? She may have talked before but after 2 years if your happy with someone you don't just walk away without making your needs clear, which you can by the use of an ultimatum.

 

If she were to say "cut the ex out of your life or I walk" that is setting boundaries, its saying if X continues I leave.

 

Your advice seems to be just leave without giving him a chance to change his behavior.

 

Sure i agree he was being disrespectful but sometimes people are just self-centered and don't see anything wrong with what they percieve to be innocent actions.

 

I say ultimatums serve the purpose of setting boundaries, if she were to walk away their is no boundary set in their relationship, because it is over.

[2sunny]

hmm ultimatum doesn't do anything, but she should just walk away without communicating her needs? She may have talked before but after 2 years if your happy with someone you don't just walk away without making your needs clear, which you can by the use of an ultimatum.

 

If she were to say "cut the ex out of your life or I walk" that is setting boundaries, its saying if X continues I leave.

 

Your advice seems to be just leave without giving him a chance to change his behavior.

 

Sure i agree he was being disrespectful but sometimes people are just self-centered and don't see anything wrong with what they percieve to be innocent actions.

 

I say ultimatums serve the purpose of setting boundaries, if she were to walk away their is no boundary set in their relationship, because it is over.

 

i gave that suggestion based on her info she provided. since she indicated that she has discussed this with him on several occasions - and he just continues to correspond with his ex knowing full well that it hurts the OP. since he has shown by his actions that he's not going to stop - what is she left with? to put up with it allows him to continue disrespecting her... to end things shows him that she's not going to take his behavior without a consequence. without a consequence... people change very little.

 

to the OP - what action have you taken so far this week? your recent posts seem to contradict themselves so i can't tell what you have done now...

[machiavellian]

Thanks for all the helpful responses/input.

 

She is absolutely not a part of the same social circle, despite trying to insert herself into it. My bf's sister likes her for some reason and invites her to things, but no one else invites her to things - in fact, I don't even know if it's his sister or her bf who invites the ex to these things. None of our girl friends like her, none of my bf's girl friends like her. Some of his guy friends like her, but only as an acquaintance and they enjoy seeing her when she's around but they don't invite her to things either.

 

to the OP - what action have you taken so far this week? your recent posts seem to contradict themselves so i can't tell what you have done now...

 

When you say "what action have you taken so far this week?" it makes it sound as though this is an issue that pops up with us daily - it doesn't, and I'm sorry if I've posted in such a way to make it seem that way.

 

In June I put my foot down about him inviting this ex to things and accepting invitations from her.

 

Later in June I think either my bf, or more likely a couple of my friends (who are also friends with his sister) told her to stop inviting the ex, because she hasn't been invited to anything since then.

 

So, since June she hasn't been an issue. As far as I know their only contact since then has been when she asked him about jobs, and once when he posted on her wall and once when she posted on his wall.

 

I didn't have a problem with HIM in regards to her asking him about jobs - he basically said he couldn't help her (at least that's what he told me).

 

I was irritated that he posted on her wall (a funny video he thought she'd enjoy), but he posted the same thing on her bf's wall so I didn't say anything about it.

 

However, after he posted that she decided to return the favor a week or two later. I don't think they should be posting little "I thought you in particular of my 600+ FB friends would enjoy this viral video" on each other's walls, if it's going to turn into this back and forth thing. To be fair, my bf does this type of thing with his guy friends too, so it's not like she's getting special treatment.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being completely ridiculous or not, so I didn't have a conversation with him about this, I just made some comments about it to him.

[machiavellian]

Lol stop these tests. She probably thinks you are going to lunch with her to tell her off or back off, whatever.

 

If the flirting was "out of control" is true then that's over the line. However she may be spreading rumours to attempt to break you two up.

 

It doesn't sound like on the surface he's doing anything wrong. If she gets out of hand he just goes and tells you whats up, so he's obviously not reciprocating anything (like the drunken text he could have deleted and never told you). I think he's just trying to be nice to a certain extent. I don't think you can stop him from talking to her online. The no invites to events thing is kinda iffy, if she's in your group of friends. IDK Since you have that going for you already there's no a huge worry, even tho she may end up at something uninvited.

 

Also sounds like if you say "I am not comfortable with x" that he listens and respects that. So an ultimatum/something of that sort seems completely unnecessary. Your problem would be in not a clear enough/defined enough boundary rather than a lack of needing to back it up (he seems to take them seriously regardless).

The people that commented to me about it were there and saw it themselves.

 

He also doesn't tell me when she's inappropriate. He has an iPhone and when he gets a text it shows up on his phone automatically with the person's name and the text. These are just a couple examples to give you an idea, but once when she drunkenly texted late at night he had left his phone on the side of the bed I was sleeping in and it woke both of us up, and I didn't see what it said, but I saw her name on the text. Another time he was reading through a short text exchange with her right in front of me, and the texts were normal stuff, except at the top was one text of an exchange that he apparently forgot to delete - the implication from that text was that she had sent him a line from a song or a quote from something that made her think of him/she thought he would like. He NEVER tells me when she does these things, I only sometimes see evidence of it, so I have no idea how often it happens, as I don't check his phone. He has since changed his settings so that when he gets a text it only pops up as "Text Message".

 

Agree with a lot of other stuff you said.

 

Mostly my bf's behavior is fine and I don't have a problem with it regarding this girl, it's more like SHE acts in such a way that is inappropriate and makes me uncomfortable and HE doesn't do anything to stop it. On the surface of it, I wouldn't care if she were at parties and things we go to - it's that she can't go to these things, be friendly toward my bf, AND be a friend to our relationship. I don't even think that she wants my bf, I think it has more to do with being insecure or something, which is really why I get especially angry over this - he just reinforces her.

Edited September 10, 2010 by machiavellian