machiavellian Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I only have about 10 mins right now to post, so this probably won't be very concise - apologies. Due to several factors I dated my bf for nearly 2 years before realizing that one of his ex-gf's was a part of his life to any extent beyond the occasional friendly hello when randomly running into the other person. The latter being how I treat my ex-bf's, and how my bf treats all of his other ex-gf's. After my bf and I had been dating for about a year and a half I met this ex because at that point she apparently decided that she wanted to be friends with my bf's sister and her friends and started getting invited to all social events. Was completely shocked to show up to a cocktail party and be confronted with the ex. Around that time the ex started asking my bf to meet her out for drinks with her and her bf (but never invited me, so it was not a friendly couples get together). Because of several incidences like these, in addition to things I found in bf's room around this point in time she became an issue that he and I fought or bickered over on occasion. My bf would invite her to things also, and would say it was only because she would be invited to our other friends' things and people would be talking about it and she would know she wasn't invited - I say bull****, he shouldn't be worried about her feelings. The ex also has a bf, and my bf says how much he likes the other guy, more so than he likes the ex, and that's why he invites them, but that's also bs, because he doesn't talk to the other guy when he's around, and they don't talk/chat/text/etc. outside of these events, and he is only invited through his gf. Anyways, bf sees her a lot less now, but now their contact has changed to chatting online while they're at work (I don't know how often) and occasionally posting things on each other's walls on FB that make them think of the other person/they think the other person would enjoy. I'm so sick of it, but I feel like it's so late in the game to have a discussion about this, and I'm also afraid that it can't be an adult conversation at this point, because we've already fought over specific incidences over the last year and a half.
Author machiavellian Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 As I haven't gotten any responses, is it safe to assume that this topic is beating a dead horse in this forum? Or, I'm being entirely too unreasonable
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 if you aren't willing to walk away and make a clean break - your BF will always get the idea that you will put up with this behavior and you won't do a thing about it (actions, consequences) except start an argument. he has no reason to cut communication with her. you give him no action/consequences that make it tough on him for what he creates. what do you NOW plan to do about this? complaining means nothing at this point... without the action to walk. since he holds her friendship in higher regard than your feelings - he's shown you with his actions that he's not going to cut her off for you...
Author machiavellian Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Good point. So what do you suggest? An ultimatum, or waiting for an incident that pisses me off and bringing it up at that point?
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Good point. So what do you suggest? An ultimatum, or waiting for an incident that pisses me off and bringing it up at that point? an ultimatum? ummmm, no. that doesn't DO anything. how about breaking up with him. be honest. "hey, i'm calling this quits - because you don't hold ME as YOUR priority - based on the fact that you continue to disrespect and disregard me by continuing your inappropriate "friendship" with her." "since SHE seems to be more important in your life than me, i'm leaving." bah bye... THAT is what a healthy boundary looks like when YOU put it into action... he crossed the line = you do something about it - since you will not tolerate his bad behavior. can you do that?
WowReally Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 He's just not that into you so to save face I would just walk away
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 He's just not that into you so to save face I would just walk away true - he's probably still into her more than you - since he's willing to spend so much time and energy trailing her... he may not admit it - but he wants her back. he;s with you since she won't be with him. let me guess - SHE originally broke up with him, right?
Crazy Magnet Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Story of my life and it never has that fairy tale ending you are hoping for. I have also been the "ex girlfriend" on numerous occasions though I have never let a friendship develop. No ex of mine has ever come back into the pictures and only wanted to be friends. I don't think that's possible. Can you give more details: How long did they date, who broke up with who, how long ago was the break up, how long post BU did it take for them to be "friends" etc.
terra Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I'm sorry sound like a crappy situation. Maybe try talking to your boyfriend one more time. This time go into it with out being angry or upset about a certain issue, phone call or facebook messagge. Be calm. Ask him to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if you were constantly chatting or inviting out your ex bf. Let him know you are at the end of your rope and if you two don't come up with a solution you need to leave. It's worth a shot before actually walking away. I wish you the best!
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I'm sorry sound like a crappy situation. Maybe try talking to your boyfriend one more time. This time go into it with out being angry or upset about a certain issue, phone call or facebook messagge. Be calm. Ask him to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if you were constantly chatting or inviting out your ex bf. Let him know you are at the end of your rope and if you two don't come up with a solution you need to leave. It's worth a shot before actually walking away. I wish you the best! why do the same thing as she's always done -when he just continues to do whatever he wants = at her cost? SHE is sure to get the same outcome... she needs to take a more solid approach - solid action.
terra Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I understand what you are saying. I'm not too sure about how things have played out but I know that freaking out over a facebook message and the other person being defensive is a whole lot different then a serious, calm and calculated discussion. If she loves the guy, why not just one more shot? During this conversation she will find out if he is willing to put this ex behind him and her first. why do the same thing as she's always done -when he just continues to do whatever he wants = at her cost? SHE is sure to get the same outcome... she needs to take a more solid approach - solid action.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I understand what you are saying. I'm not too sure about how things have played out but I know that freaking out over a facebook message and the other person being defensive is a whole lot different then a serious, calm and calculated discussion. If she loves the guy, why not just one more shot? During this conversation she will find out if he is willing to put this ex behind him and her first. yah, but that's NOT a solution... that is only the start - of a conversation... many of which they have had. she can SAY anything - but it means nothing if SHE doesn't plan to DO something about it... she has never DONE anything much in the past - except complain - so this just looks like a plan to complain some more... she needs to have a plan of action - IF he isn't willing to cut all ties with her - WHAT is SHE planning to DO?
kirbkirb Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Just wanted to throw this out there to play devils advocate. Are you SURE that your not being to sensitive? I mean she's an ex for a reason, if he wanted to be with her he would but he's not he's with you. Is there anything else thats making you feel unimportant or just this?
Author machiavellian Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 let me guess - SHE originally broke up with him, right? Nope. Story of my life and it never has that fairy tale ending you are hoping for. I have also been the "ex girlfriend" on numerous occasions though I have never let a friendship develop. No ex of mine has ever come back into the pictures and only wanted to be friends. I don't think that's possible. Can you give more details: How long did they date, who broke up with who, how long ago was the break up, how long post BU did it take for them to be "friends" etc. They dated off and on for about 3 years. One of his friends told me that by the last year they dated they almost never saw each other, that it was a pseudo-relationship. She also never met his parents or vice versa (who are all local). I think by the time they finally broke up for good it was kind of mutual, she was pretty much already with the guy that she's currently dating, but technically he's the one who ended it, then she spent several months drunkenly calling him asking him to take her back because the other guy wasn't as good and she missed him. I don't know how long it was post BU that they became "friends" - I know that they spoke or saw each other occasionally, but not too often (after her initial pleas to get back together). It was probably about the time it became evident via Facebook (through pictures and things) that he and I were together/serious that she tried to become involved in his life again. That was about 3 years after their breakup, she's been with the same guy since, and my bf has another ex between her and me. I'm not sure if she wants him back exactly, but I do think it's some kind of twisted need to be "the one who got away" or the love of his life or something. Just wanted to throw this out there to play devils advocate. Are you SURE that your not being to sensitive? I mean she's an ex for a reason, if he wanted to be with her he would but he's not he's with you. Is there anything else thats making you feel unimportant or just this? No, I'm not sure that I'm not being too sensitive , which is why I posted, to get others' feedback who aren't involved in the situation. I know that she's an ex for a reason, but it seems they had a very passionate relationship and they both obviously put up with a lot of crap from each other for an extended period of time. Not healthy by any means, but that's one reason I'm unsure of the situation. Some aspects of their "friendship" is certainly inappropriate - I don't think it happens often, but for example she has drunkenly texted him late at night/early in the morning. Another example is that at a party I was not at I was told after the fact by several people that her flirting (with my bf and another girl's bf) was out of control, and they both were flirting back. I also suspect that he likes the attention he gets from her, which of course I don't like. But, as you said, since at this point it seems she will no longer be invited to things, and he will no longer be accepting her invitation, maybe I am being too sensitive over the occasional FB wall post. Another thing that irritates me about this situation is that I just feel like she's a fake, two-faced, conniving, manipulative jerk! She pretends to be friendly toward me outwardly but in a sneaky, catty way that's actually not all that friendly or nice if you look close enough. Recently, I decided to test her "friendliness". She posted on my wall about how she hasn't seen "us" recently, so I sent her a message back asking what she's been up to and some other questions - clearly needed a response. She did not respond at all. My bf told me that she sent him a message over an online chat thing if he knew anyone in our area that's hiring, since she's looking for a new job. He immediately thought of me because my company/job is amazing and is always hiring - I probably would not help this girl out, but I definitely won't help her out if she doesn't ask me herself - she knows what I do and she has all my contact information to include my phone number. So, I tested her again by texting her if she wanted to meet up for lunch - no response.
2sunny Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 so what are you going to do about all this? nothing you posted is a "solution" to this problem - in fact it just allows it all to continue on the way it's been... since he will still correspond with her - what's YOUR plan for YOU?
Green Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Relationships need boundaries... your bf is breaking them all. I woud dump him if I were you. Really this can only go from bad to worse if this is the type of person he is. He's already cheated on you by having and emotional affair and worrying about her feelings so much and posting back and forth on eachothers fb walls. He may have already got physical. You know exactly what is going on. Who wants to be in a relationship like this.
Author machiavellian Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 so what are you going to do about all this? nothing you posted is a "solution" to this problem - in fact it just allows it all to continue on the way it's been... since he will still correspond with her - what's YOUR plan for YOU? 2sunny, I appreciate your input, and I'm not dismissing your advice, but you're a little intense.
Green Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 2sunny, I appreciate your input, and I'm not dismissing your advice, but you're a little intense. its not like 2sure told u to kill some one... just to dump a guy who is probably cheating on you and obviously has no respect for you and lacks boundariess required for a relationship to continue
Author machiavellian Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 (edited) its not like 2sure told u to kill some one... just to dump a guy who is probably cheating on you and obviously has no respect for you and lacks boundariess required for a relationship to continue Yes, but she's arguing with other posters who didn't post the same advice as her, and she's "yelling" at me for answering questions and posting more information, instead of saying thread closed, I dumped him as soon as I read 2sunny's post. I'm not discounting that advice, but I'm also not going to dump someone I've been dating for years, and have a generally fantastic relationship with at the drop of a hat. He is definitely not cheating, I know for a fact. It is logistically impossible. Agree that there is an issue relating to respect and boundaries. However, he did stop inviting her to things, and I'm pretty sure he told his sister to stop inviting her to things, as she hasn't invited the ex the last several times we've gotten together either. I think that's a step in the right direction. I doubt they communicate much anymore except for the occasional FB wall post, or when she sends him a chat about something specific. This is why I wonder if I'm being oversensitive and controlling in this situation - maybe my feelings are a leftover of initially feeling betrayed by his lack of consideration for me, as well as what I perceive as her trying to needle me. Edited September 10, 2010 by machiavellian
loverofloveandstuff Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 This is why I wonder if I'm being oversensitive and controlling in this situation - maybe my feelings are a leftover of initially feeling betrayed by his lack of consideration for me, as well as what I perceive as her trying to needle me. Seems like you want to be told that you're being oversensitive.
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Yes, it's inappropriate. I personally wouldn't put up with it in a relationship. And by not put up with it, I mean, I would have a talk with him and let him know how much it bothered me, and that it needed to stop. And if it didn't stop, I'd be outta there. Time to have a pretty serious chat with your guy, and honestly, his reaction will be telling. If he gets defensive, angry, or tries to make you feel like you're overreacting, then his feelings for the ex go deeper than he's letting on. If he truly has no romantic feelings for her, it should be easy to make the decision. It's not like they've been best friends or even close since you met him...it sounds like she re-entered the picture more than a year after your relationship started. That's a deal-breaker.
JL Hancock Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 don't get it has the ex done something that makes it impossible for you to get along with her? any other things that make you, after two year, still unable to feel assured in your relationship to where this girl must be seen as a threat? is it just because she is his ex? so far it just sounds like creating problems that dont have reason.
Author machiavellian Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 Seems like you want to be told that you're being oversensitive. No, I don't want to be told anything, except honest opinions. Yes, it's inappropriate. I personally wouldn't put up with it in a relationship. And by not put up with it, I mean, I would have a talk with him and let him know how much it bothered me, and that it needed to stop. And if it didn't stop, I'd be outta there. Time to have a pretty serious chat with your guy, and honestly, his reaction will be telling. If he gets defensive, angry, or tries to make you feel like you're overreacting, then his feelings for the ex go deeper than he's letting on. If he truly has no romantic feelings for her, it should be easy to make the decision. It's not like they've been best friends or even close since you met him...it sounds like she re-entered the picture more than a year after your relationship started. That's a deal-breaker. Thanks for the response don't get it has the ex done something that makes it impossible for you to get along with her? any other things that make you, after two year, still unable to feel assured in your relationship to where this girl must be seen as a threat? is it just because she is his ex? so far it just sounds like creating problems that dont have reason. Thanks for your input that you think I'm being dramatic. I think I already addressed all the questions you've asked previously in this thread.
JL Hancock Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Thanks for your input that you think I'm being dramatic. I think I already addressed all the questions you've asked previously in this thread. not trying to start with you. just imagining two chics with maybe some shy or insecurities flairing the female testosterone when they get round each other. makes it hard to see anything but trouble. you doubt her. not hard to imagine she doubt you to maybe.
Kelly0900 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 You have to try your best to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and ask him politely to stop because it's hurting your feelings. If he brings up the topic of trust, you can state how long the relationship has lasted, so you do have trust, to shut him up. You just have to ask him to stop talking to such contacts because it's mentally hurting you, just be completely honest with him.. If he doesn't stop, do it again, and again.
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