sleep with him on second date: bad move?

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't know. I've heard a lot of guys say they'll dismiss a girl if she screws them too early.

 

Not so. And "screwing too early" is a broad generality that takes nothing else in account. It's more a question of sincerity. Have we had feelings for each other before we actually dated? If so, the first date is out of the way and now we have established that we're, dare I say it, in love or at least something momentous and life changing beyond simple lust. Spontaneity and abandon are the stuff of requited love and romantic fulfillment. Imposing a catalog of conditions and worries in that case is a buzz kill. There's no one-size-fits-all "too early to screw". Each case has mitigating circumstances as to what, how, why or when.

[jamesum]

Men know that women get attached after sex and that makes them feel that they have conquered the women once they have sex.

 

But when an early sex turns into a serious relationship, generally the woman is in it just for the sex and expects nothing else only to find that the guy ends up being the one getting attached and coming after her.

 

So there is obviously a psychological correlation.

[abeja_reina_1989]

It's really your call. I say, go with your gut. Since you're not sure, and you're asking us; wait. You don't want to regret it later. This way, you have something to look forward to and when you know for a fact it's time, you can do it and not wonder

[SadandConfusedWA]

Agreed 100000000000000000000%.

 

Shadow, you should re-read dispatch3d's comments in SACWA's thread. They apply to both of you.

 

Yeah, his comment was good. I can sometimes appreciate the bluntness.

 

My mum basically asked me tonight: "Can't you really find anything to hold your interest except for obsessing over relationships and men? I really thought you are better than that."

 

Back to Shadow. I am really worried about her attitude to this guy. I was exactly the same way with the politician guy. I mean, my reactions to him were the same down to the EVERY word Shadow posted in their IM conversation. I crashed and burned. I think that in some way men can smell insecurity and fear and they get really turned off, even if they have reasonable interest level at the outset. I am not sure how possible it is to build a healthy relationship with that kind of mindset.

 

I hope you keep posting about this shadow, especially if you feel an emotional reaction coming on (such as canceling the date). I hope that we can all steer you back from making the same mistakes that I did.

[Cee]

Dating involves making mistakes. And forgiving ourselves. And then carrying on. I was too sexual on a first date this week. What was horrible was I wanted him to notice me & like me and I played the sex card. I wasn't ready to be sexual at that time. I felt sick, depressed, and ashamed the next day.

 

He sent an email thanking me for the date and said he liked me, but was sorting out his feelings. I wrote him back saying that I didn't like my behavior and said that if he wanted to start over, that would be okay.

 

If he wants a second date, that's fine. But it's not involving a visit to his place. But if he's a guy who thinks it's weird for a woman to admit that she went too fast, he need never call again.

[bobdole]

@Cee - realize there are very few men that will accept going backwards physically in a relationship

[OndaChin]

Do you see my AVATAR PIC??

 

"That's what I do on first dates with women!"

- It has never caused me to lose interest in a woman that has my attention. EVER!!

 

Women need to realize that "Normal" men want to feel that sexual dynamic with them. The sooner the better!

 

Heres my points:

 

1.) It breaks the "tension" and allows for a closer more deeper connection. We all want that!!

 

2.) You get to SEE what they're really about in the "Chemistry" department (sexual nature). VERY.. Very Important!!

 

3.) Sex IS the MAJOR REASON PEOPLE FORM RELATIONSHIPS!!! You want to know if the other person is on the same "page" as you and can deliver the "goods". Otherwise- you're better off staying home and masterbating to classical music- i.e, Bach, Beethoven, Chopin Or if you have fetishes- trying "angry masterbation" techniques!

 

My advice: Do what you feel IS RIGHT FOR YOU! Trust that MOST MEN- if sex is good, will ONLY be more "wanting" to get to know you and what kind of woman you are!

 

Think of sex as the "carrot" (Carrot & Stick method for training animals). After all- men are ANIMALS!

[kiss_andmakeup]

This is such an subjective matter; there are people who will say they've had guys dump them after sleeping together early on, and there will be people who have begun successful relationships in that same manner.

 

I think the only thing you can do here is go with the flow. Who knows, maybe he's not interested in sex so early on (doubtful, but possible).

 

For what it's worth, my current two-year relationship, as well as a more short-lived (but fun) relationship before that, began with sex on the first (not even second!) date. After being with my boyfriend for a couple years we mostly just laugh about it, but we have had a few heart-to-heart discussions about it. I asked him if he truly didn't think anything negative of me based on my decision to sleep with him so early on. He laughed and said, "hell no, I wanted to sleep with you too, so what's the problem? There is nothing wrong with getting what you want, and if that happens to be sex, then all the better for both of us!"

 

Of course there are men of completely different trains of thought. Some men will agree to the sex (enthusiastically!) and then stamp the "whore" label on you, but in complete honesty, that has never happened to me, and I think it's because of the kind of men I choose to date being more open-minded, progressive, and liberal, versus old fashioned, religious, and conservative.

 

But like I said, nobody can tell you what to do in this situation. Even with my experiences I wouldn't just say, "Oh yes, definitely sleep with him," because people are far too different and I would never insist that my experiences will align with anyone else's.

 

If you do sleep with him, though, do it because you want to.

[kiss_andmakeup]

This is such an subjective matter

 

Derr! A subjective matter. Would've driven me mad.

[Mme. Chaucer]

My opinion?

 

NO! NO! NO! NO!

 

I don't care who sleeps with whom, and when.

 

You personally, however, have gone on a gigantic emotional roller coaster that has included your certainty that he does not like you and that you won't even GO on this second date due to his "low interest" (discerned by clairvoyance).

 

NOW you "probably" will SLEEP with him?

 

Are you addicted to negative drama? Because that is what you're setting up.

 

There is no way that this guy is going to fulfill your unquenchable need for attention from him after you have sex. He did not after one date and a make out session, did he.

[kiss_andmakeup]

My opinion?

 

NO! NO! NO! NO!

 

I don't care who sleeps with whom, and when.

 

You personally, however, have gone on a gigantic emotional roller coaster that has included your certainty that he does not like you and that you won't even GO on this second date due to his "low interest" (discerned by clairvoyance).

 

NOW you "probably" will SLEEP with him?

 

Are you addicted to negative drama? Because that is what you're setting up.

 

There is no way that this guy is going to fulfill your unquenchable need for attention from him after you have sex. He did not after one date and a make out session, did he.

 

These are great points to consider.

 

I view sex as something to figure out early on, because it's something I hold as a major criteria for compatibility. But I also view it as something that grows with the relationship...I don't expect emotional fireworks right after...and maybe I'm different in that way.

 

If you tend to become very emotionally attached following intimacy (which I'm guessing from your previous posts you do), I would avoid it for now. You're probably not going to get mutual emotional attachment from him, which will cause you a lot of additional stress and heartache.

[Mme. Chaucer]

your stupud

 

Haha! At least I can spell STUPID!

 

Back under the bridge with you now, tiny troll.

[sugarmomma]

Not so. And "screwing too early" is a broad generality that takes nothing else in account. It's more a question of sincerity. Have we had feelings for each other before we actually dated? If so, the first date is out of the way and now we have established that we're, dare I say it, in love or at least something momentous and life changing beyond simple lust. Spontaneity and abandon are the stuff of requited love and romantic fulfillment. Imposing a catalog of conditions and worries in that case is a buzz kill. There's no one-size-fits-all "too early to screw". Each case has mitigating circumstances as to what, how, why or when.

 

What??? They've been on one date.

 

OP All the guys on here are gonna say stuff like this!!! No guy here is gonna say "yea she's a skank if she gives it up early" Believe me most of them are thinking it.

 

Some r start with a ons but most of them don't last. I screwed my xh the first week. It lasted 7 years but it wasn't healthy and we had very little in common outside the bedroom.

 

Just wait. If he likes you he will wait.

[Chocolat]

The issue isn't whether he will lose respect for or interest in you if you do -- as others have said, a guy who does this is not worth having. Rather, the issue is that if you have sex with him, you will become even more invested and more sensitive to his actions. If he's not into you and you learn this before you have sex,you will be in a better position to deal with it than if you learn this after you have sex.

 

In a nutshell, there is nothing gained and potentially a lot lost (in terms of your self-esteem, confidence and emotional well-being) if you have sex on the second date.

 

Unless you can truly handle the concept of casual sex that may not lead to anything, take the time to find out first if there is a relationship.

[kiss_andmakeup]

we had very little in common outside the bedroom..

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but whether you slept together on date 1 or date 20, this would have been the case, wouldn't it?

 

I had a similar scenario with the other guy I slept with on the first date...outstanding sex, but not much else in common. It wasn't hard to see this...so I ended it after about a month.

 

You just have to know the difference between sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy.

 

I agree that you should wait, but not for the reasons that sugarmomma insinuated.

[Feelin Frisky]

... I agree that you should wait, but not for the reasons that sugarmomma insinuated.

 

Thank you. Boop just hatin' on Frisk. Post stalking me.

[Cee]

@Cee - realize there are very few men that will accept going backwards physically in a relationship

 

It wasn't a relationship. It was a first date and probably the last. I'm not a person to pull the bait and switch on somebody, but in this case I betrayed my sense of self. It's wrong to use sex for manipulation and attention. And I feel awful about it.

[MrNate]

Do you see my AVATAR PIC??

 

"That's what I do on first dates with women!"

- It has never caused me to lose interest in a woman that has my attention. EVER!!

 

Women need to realize that "Normal" men want to feel that sexual dynamic with them. The sooner the better!

 

Heres my points:

 

1.) It breaks the "tension" and allows for a closer more deeper connection. We all want that!!

 

2.) You get to SEE what they're really about in the "Chemistry" department (sexual nature). VERY.. Very Important!!

 

3.) Sex IS the MAJOR REASON PEOPLE FORM RELATIONSHIPS!!! You want to know if the other person is on the same "page" as you and can deliver the "goods". Otherwise- you're better off staying home and masterbating to classical music- i.e, Bach, Beethoven, Chopin Or if you have fetishes- trying "angry masterbation" techniques!

 

My advice: Do what you feel IS RIGHT FOR YOU! Trust that MOST MEN- if sex is good, will ONLY be more "wanting" to get to know you and what kind of woman you are!

 

Think of sex as the "carrot" (Carrot & Stick method for training animals). After all- men are ANIMALS!

 

You don't see many relationships flourishing without it.

 

This post has a lot of truth in it.

[meerkat stew]

Think of sex as the "carrot" (Carrot & Stick method for training animals). After all- men are ANIMALS!

 

This may work on young, inexperienced men still seeking to "prove" themselves or those without options, but if he's really worth having, he will instantly recognize and reject the carrot dynamic.

 

Grown men do not tolerate sex used as a reward mechanism or economic transaction. We want women who want it because 1. they want to do it with us for their own pleasure, and 2. they want to please us because they love us or at least like us.

 

Moreover, men are not ANIMALS, that's insulting and degrading.

[BentSpine]

realize there are very few men that will accept going backwards physically in a relationship

Word. Adults don't make out: they kiss once and if they like the kiss, they then proceed to rip all each other's clothes off and doing the deed.

[Mad Max]

You don't know a person that well by date 2. Sleeping with someone that early and you have nothing to gain and a whole lot to lose. Like a poster said earlier, no one ever died by not having sex, but drama and issues have developed by having sex too soon.

[sagetalk]

 

1. I feel like my head isn't in the right place lately (as if it ever is), but I need some advice because I don't trust my instincts at this moment in time. I've made some stupid decisions lately.

 

2. On the first date we went back to his place and made out for 45 mins or so. No clothes came off, but we did touch touch each other through our clothes. I think it probably would have proceeded to sex had I not cut it short. He was getting really into it.

 

3. Now I feel like I've set a precedent and I don't know what to do, because I don't even know what I want. Like, I'm super attracted to him. He's really hot. There are only two real reasons I'm hesitant to have sex with him tomorrow, and it's 60% the first reason, and 40% the second:

 

4. I don't want him to think less of me if I sleep with him too soon.

 

5. So, yeah, I think I'd enjoy it if I wasn't concerned it'd ruin any chance we have of something more. But it's a bit awkward, because I know he'll invite me back to his place after the movie if all goes well, and I don't want to turn him down since I went last time. That would be weird.

 

6. Oh, he imed me again just now and we're having a dorky conversation about scrabble and podcasts. Bleh.

 

1. I agree

 

2. No first date sex ever. As a grown man, I'm risking being stoned for saying this. Letting him feel you up that soon is probably a bad idea as well.

 

3. You did, now he's only going to be thinking about sex with you. Being hot is not a good reason to get into a relationship with someone. Geez, I thought men were the shallow ones.

 

4. He will.

 

5. It's a mistake to get this serious and attached this fast.

 

6. If it means having sex with a hot girl, guys would go to a Hannah Montana concert and talk about the Notebook (or whatever the name of that movie was). Get guys that like talking to you because of you, not because they know you're gonna put out quick.

[VeveCakes]

MAN! You have been going on and on because this guy didn't IM you enough after your first date (the day after), and you think you can hanle sleeping with him??? What happens when you sleep with him and he doesnt IM you the next day, are you going to spiral into a depression??

 

You can't even handle making out with him without becomming irrationnally attached, I do not suggest sleeping with him.

 

And also, you have been crying over your ex all day. Girl you gotta give yourself a time out to yourself.

[dispatch3d]

"I haven't slept with someone that soon"

 

Why? Just not that attracted so early? Not saying there is anything at all wrong with it.

 

I think the fact you haven't done this before means you - honestly - should not sleep with a guy so early. You would be outside of your comfort zone. There is really no need to rush things especially if you are outside your comfort zone.

 

I woudl be the first person to say "I don't kiss a guy on the first date" rules are absolutely retarded. I definitely think they are. But making sure you progress things at the rate you are used to is more than likely the healthiest thing to do. So no, don't sleep with him too soon. Do it when you are comfortable with where you are at. There's nothing wrong with not being ready on the first date, second date, whatever. (9th date probably something wrong ;-))

[dispatch3d]

1. I agree

 

2. No first date sex ever. As a grown man, I'm risking being stoned for saying this. Letting him feel you up that soon is probably a bad idea as well.

 

3. You did, now he's only going to be thinking about sex with you. Being hot is not a good reason to get into a relationship with someone. Geez, I thought men were the shallow ones.

 

4. He will.

 

5. It's a mistake to get this serious and attached this fast.

 

6. If it means having sex with a hot girl, guys would go to a Hannah Montana concert and talk about the Notebook (or whatever the name of that movie was). Get guys that like talking to you because of you, not because they know you're gonna put out quick.

 

to your second point, hopefully he's thinking about sex with op a lot already otherwise he isn't very interested is he? There's nothing wrong with sex man ;-). Just kidding.

 

To the guy who wrote the pro-sex early post, I agree with that as well and don't think my views at all contradict his (even tho on the surface it seems like they would).