shadowplay Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Eeyore, I lived this kind of relaitonship for three years. Guys like this do not change. Really. It's not about better communication. You can't reach somebody who is emotionally unavailable. You will kill yourself trying. Just break it off.
Author Eeyore79 Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 You really think emotional unavailability cannot be addressed, and the only solution is to abandon the person and move on? I'm not sure I can do that to someone I care about. If he truly doesn't care about me then obviously I'll move on, but if he's having problems and genuinely does care deep down, then my instinct is to stay and help him work on it.
shadowplay Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 You really think emotional unavailability cannot be addressed, and the only solution is to abandon the person and move on? I'm not sure I can do that to someone I care about. If he truly doesn't care about me then obviously I'll move on, but if he's having problems and genuinely does care deep down, then my instinct is to stay and help him work on it. Yes. Ugh. Do you need a project or a boyfriend? Emotional unavailability in my experience doesn't change unless through years of therapy, and often it's just temperament. It's a lost cause. I've tried, believe me.
atlnay Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Your instincts are going to lead you down a path of wasted energy & frustration in helping a grown man, with something he never asked for your help with. Imagine you were 50lbs overweight & ok with it. But he preferred you being fit like him & rather than ask you, took it upon himself to help "solve" this "problem" how would you feel? Look, you are going to do what you want, perhaps you like drama, but I think you should find a guy that is emotionallly expressive the way you need him to be & let your current guy be with a chick that has no problems with how he expresses himself in a relationship. Seriously, you can't change anyone & just like he's not a personal trainer, you're not a therapist. If you are unwilling to work on acceptance, compromise, communication & parting ways if necessary, how can you help an "emotionally unavailable" man. If you do, suggest that he goes to a professional & if he politely declines, respect his decision and think about movin on.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Eeyore, I think the bottom line is that you have to establish some boundaries for YOURSELF about your true willingness to accept this relationship as it actually is. And be ready to stick with them. People can change, but they really have to want to change. He is probably satisfied with the way things are. I will say that he does not sound like a good boyfriend in any way, even if he is a "wonderful man." I do think you should talk to him. It will be scary, because I am pretty sure he doesn't want to have that kind of talk. Either he needs to give you what you really need from him - or you accept the relationship as it IS - or you say goodbye. If there are things you MUST have in order to be satisfied in a relationship, you need to stand for that. Otherwise, you are being UNTRUE TO YOURSELF.
dispatch3d Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 He is always respectful, calls me to say goodnight, hangs out with me and is nice to me. Big deal - apart from the daily phonecall, he's not doing anything a normal friend wouldn't do. He will occasionally say he likes me or cares about me, but doesn't follow it up with any actions. Having sex with me does not mean he cares. Early in our relationship he sent me chocolates, brought me little gifts, turned up unexpectedly with flowers, texted me to wake up in the morning, stayed up all night talking to me on the phone, told me our relationship was wonderful... I genuinely felt like he cared about me, hence why we started having sex. But in the last few months he stopped doing those things, although I still make an effort to do nice things for him. I don't know why he's backed off - maybe he's nervous about our deepening involvement, or maybe he's losing interest, I don't know. But it makes me feel unloved and used when he expects our sexual activities to continue to deepen while he's backing off emotionally. All your friends call you to say goodnight? Kinda crazy of them. You must get a lot of phone calls before you go to bed. Honestly this looks like a rocks vs. gold problem. He wants more gold (sex), you can't give it to him without getting more rocks (loving/caring behaviour). You need to communicate the kinds of things you really liked past boyfriends doing previously. He'll (hopefully) catch on to the things you are looking for and start doing some of them for you. You gotta take responsibility for stuff that's happening in the relationship, rather than making yourself out to be some kind of victim. In the game of pickup, it is ALWAYS the guys fault. Then you figure out what you did wrong, and how to fix what you did "wrong". Even though she may be being ridiculous, or she's creating the problem in the first place is irrelevant. It's useful to always take this stance, since you can't control other people. You can control yourself. Figure out how you can fix things or make them better. gl!
WowReally Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Dating is easy for women so she don't got nothing to worry about. Men are the ones who have to take all the initiatives and put in all the effort... Women don't need to do anything but sit back and let the man do all the work. :laugh:Hahahaaha you're not in my neck of the woods that much is clear
WowReally Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 6 month mark is usually the make it or break it mark and he doesnt seem to want to make it work...move on.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Women never initiate contact by phone calls or texts, Women never initiate and plan dates, Women never have to put in any effort what so ever when it comes to dating. Women want to be chased and by being chased you don't need to do anything, contrary to what women like to believe not all men enjoy the "chase" it's just something that men have to do if they want a woman. It's easy for women to say it's the mans role to be the pursuer... You are not the one who have to do it. Time to report back under the bridge. You aren't even an amusing troll.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 You really think emotional unavailability cannot be addressed, and the only solution is to abandon the person and move on? I'm not sure I can do that to someone I care about. If he truly doesn't care about me then obviously I'll move on, but if he's having problems and genuinely does care deep down, then my instinct is to stay and help him work on it. My guy who went emotionally cold had moved 500 miles to my city, and had even withdrawn part of his retirement early to make the transition, so I tried talking to him about it multiple times. He said he knew he had a problem and wanted to see a counselor, that he would "do anything to make sure we stuck together and stayed happy". But then he didn't follow through, and when I brought it up again, he just avoided the subject. So talk to him if you want, but I recommend that you keep your expectations very low. Real, lasting change works best when it's not coerced or pushed, and it usually takes years.
MrNate Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Sounds like you're going to have to put in A LOT of work to turn things around. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it, and how much time you're willing to invest.
Sanman Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 OP, It sounds like what you really want is for him to say that he loves you and to feel secure in your relationship. I don't think that is an unreasonable expectation considering that you are around the 6 month mark. His lack of gestures currently may be a part of him becoming more comfortable/lazy in the relationship or he may simply not feel the same way that you do. The only way you are going to ensure that your needs are met is talk with him about it. It probably won't be easy, but at least you will know whether or not you need to move on.
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