I really don't like dating

[Eeyore79]

I really don't like dating. I don't like this feeling that I'm growing to care about someone who isn't necessarily growing to care about me; I just feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall. Relationships just feel so insecure and I feel so fearful - I'm investing such a lot into the other person with no idea about whether I'm simply wasting my time and effort.

 

I'm six months into my current relationship, and while he's decent and respectful etc, he just doesn't act like he cares about me. He doesn't stroke my hair and gaze into my eyes, he doesn't say or do little romantic things, he doesn't say the L-word or even say anything at all that makes me think he has any deep feelings for me. He calls me and we talk and hang out, but that alone doesn't imply that he cares about me.

 

He still wants sex, but sex is not affection or love, it's just sex. Having sex is increasingly making me feel bad because he isn't demonstrating that he cares about me outside of the bedroom. He talks about deepening our sexual relationship by doing other activities, but he isn't deepening our emotional relationship correspondingly. So then I don't want sex, and he thinks I don't want him - which isn't the case, I just don't want to go further with someone who doesn't love me.

 

I really don't know what to do.Do I stop having sex with him until he catches up emotionally? Do I continue having sex so he doesn't feel rejected? Am I wrong for expecting him to act like he cares about me?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Talk to him?

 

You are doing yourself a disservice by having a sexual relationship that leaves you feeling badly.

 

Have you told him that you love him? DO you? If you love him and he does not love you, you are probably hurting yourself by staying involved.

 

The whole stroking hair, eye gazing thing ... there are a lot of guys who will not do those things, much to the disgruntlement of many women. Even when they are really in love.

[atlnay]

The guy that i am dating likes me to rub his back when we are watching a movie or rub the back of his head when driving. He is not reciprocally affectionate with me. However, he always keeps his word to me. Treats me respectfully 100%. Solves some of my life crisis, by keeping me calm. Isnt handy, but tries to fix things around my place. I know he cares about me. What kind of boyfriend do you have? If it is solely sex, then tell him you'd want to explore more and does he feel the same? If not, you need to move on. If he likes you in his life & is unsure & you want to keep sleeping with him, then tell him you need more affection to get in the mood. Not the gazing in the eyes part though, if its not sincere it may come across as creepy...lol...but he can make an effort to touch you more. With my guy sometimed i grab his hand and use it to massage my leg. We both laugh & he takes over.

[Eeyore79]

Talk to him?

I have tried talking to him; he tends to change the subject. He says he likes me, and occasionally he says he cares about me, but he doesn't act like it.

 

You are doing yourself a disservice by having a sexual relationship that leaves you feeling badly.

He says he wouldn't have sex with someone if he wasn't emotionally involved, but he doesn't act like he cares about me, so I feel confused. I love him and find him attractive, so I want to have sex with him - the only reason I don't want to have sex is because I feel like he doesn't care about me, and it's starting to make me feel used. But then he gets upset when I reject him sexually.

 

Have you told him that you love him? DO you? If you love him and he does not love you, you are probably hurting yourself by staying involved.

No, I haven't told him that I love him. Early in our relationship he said he would be scared if I loved him, so I don't dare tell him that I do; I can't ever tell him unless he says it to me first, otherwise I run the risk of scaring him off.

 

He equates love with commitment, like if you love someone then you must feel like you'd marry them tomorrow. I wouldn't want to jump into something like marriage; I just love him and it hurts that he acts like he doesn't care about me.

[NYCGirly]

OP- the best thing to do is talk to him. You can't have expectations of someone and have them met when you don't actually communicate those expectations- particular when such expectations could be completely out of character for someone. I, for one, don't like the hair brushing and eye gazing. Those things are weird and annoying for me. But that's just me. Your bf could be like that too.

 

I personally would stop having sex with him if you're having these feelings. Nothing sucks more than feeling like nothing more than a vagina when there is that emotional disconnect you're so obviously feeling. It cheapens the act of sex or "lovemaking" as some people like to call it. I think once you talk to him and he hopefully takes steps to strengthen that emotional bond, having sex with him will be a lot more enjoyable for the both of you.

[Eeyore79]

I know he cares about me. What kind of boyfriend do you have?

He is always respectful, calls me to say goodnight, hangs out with me and is nice to me. Big deal - apart from the daily phonecall, he's not doing anything a normal friend wouldn't do. He will occasionally say he likes me or cares about me, but doesn't follow it up with any actions. Having sex with me does not mean he cares.

 

Early in our relationship he sent me chocolates, brought me little gifts, turned up unexpectedly with flowers, texted me to wake up in the morning, stayed up all night talking to me on the phone, told me our relationship was wonderful... I genuinely felt like he cared about me, hence why we started having sex. But in the last few months he stopped doing those things, although I still make an effort to do nice things for him.

 

I don't know why he's backed off - maybe he's nervous about our deepening involvement, or maybe he's losing interest, I don't know. But it makes me feel unloved and used when he expects our sexual activities to continue to deepen while he's backing off emotionally.

[atlnay]

It's a shame you think some of those things are a big deal, over in other forums there are women dying to have to gestures from their man, but i digress. You gave key information. If he has slacked off gesture wise, you have to talk to him. No one is a mindreader. I know it can b awkward @ first, but so what? Better that than silent hurt feelings that fester and now have you sexually rejecting him which is one of the worst thhings you can do to a mans ego. Talk to him, tell him you're nervous or whatever, but in a calm non confrontational way tell him you miss those gestures & they made you feel xyz and it's also a turn on & makes you want him. See how he reacts & give him time to change and "reward" him when he does what you like. Be genuine: a kiss on the lips or smile & say that feels nice or a simple thank you for blah...reinforces good behavior. Good luck

[Eeyore79]

He has slacked off a lot in terms of giving me attention and doing nice little things. He did all this stuff before we had sex, and within a few weeks of us having sex he had just stopped doing all the nice gestures. Now he thinks we should continue having sex even though he's not acting like he cares about me any more.

 

If he loved me, the gestures wouldn't be such a big deal.... but he has never said he loves me, so the gestures are the only thing I had to make me feel like he cared. Now the gestures have stopped, so there's nothing at all to make me think he cares. Why would I want to have sex with a man who doesn't act like he cares about me?

 

He is sometimes snappy and irritable, he has said some very hurtful things and then got annoyed because I was upset, he has failed to help me with stuff I really needed help with (and which I asked him to help with), he prioritizes watching tv with his roommate over calling me at a respectable hour, he has criticized personal things about me which I can't change, he has stopped making all the nice little gestures, and after all that he still can't understand why I don't want sex any more.

[Art_Critic]

He has slacked off a lot in terms of giving me attention and doing nice little things. He did all this stuff before we had sex, and within a few weeks of us having sex he had just stopped doing all the nice gestures. Now he thinks we should continue having sex even though he's not acting like he cares about me any more.

 

If he loved me, the gestures wouldn't be such a big deal.... but he has never said he loves me, so the gestures are the only thing I had to make me feel like he cared. Now the gestures have stopped, so there's nothing at all to make me think he cares. Why would I want to have sex with a man who doesn't act like he cares about me?

 

He is sometimes snappy and irritable, he has said some very hurtful things and then got annoyed because I was upset, he has failed to help me with stuff I really needed help with (and which I asked him to help with), he prioritizes watching tv with his roommate over calling me at a respectable hour, he has criticized personal things about me which I can't change, he has stopped making all the nice little gestures, and after all that he still can't understand why I don't want sex any more.

 

Please re-read you own post as if someone else was writing it and you were going to reply to it..

 

The answer is in there...

[Ruby Slippers]

I really don't like dating. I don't like this feeling that I'm growing to care about someone who isn't necessarily growing to care about me; I just feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall. Relationships just feel so insecure and I feel so fearful - I'm investing such a lot into the other person with no idea about whether I'm simply wasting my time and effort.

I've said it here many times, and I'll say it again: A woman is foolish to get emotionally invested before the man has made it very clear to her that he cares about her and she's a priority, then treats her that way reliably. Of all the stupid things I've done in relationships, getting attached before the guy does is one that I have never made.

 

Until he expresses his feelings and starts stepping things up emotionally, have fun, have sex, but do not get serious. If he doesn't make any move to get serious, chalk it up to a great time and move on.

[Sphere]

The honeymoon phase is well and truly dead in this relationship.

 

Over time this does happen, but you as mature adults learn to accept it and work together on keeping things fresh while trying out new things together.

 

This relationship will not work because a) there is no communication, b) you both want different things.

 

You seem to want to have your cake and to eat it too and he seems content with one small segment of cake, unless communication takes place and discussions are staged then this ceases to be a relationship and is little more than a friends with benefits relationship.

 

Also, why on earth are you with someone who disrespects you? He says hurtful things (we all do, but I don't then blame the woman for being upset, that's manipulative behaviour right there), he doesn't offer to help you with anything and he even has the cheek to criticize personal things about you. If a woman did this to me, I'd chuck her to the curb, it is high time you do the same and if you want a man who will treat you well then look no further than someone like Gamma1, these are the men who you should be dating if you want someone who will treat you like a Goddess, not the fella you are currently with.

[Eeyore79]

You don't do any of those things either so why the double standard?

I do lots of things for him. I send him e-cards with sweet messages, I mail him candy and silly bits of things to cheer him up, I buy him his favourite bars of chocolate, I tell him I care about him and miss him, I send him sexy or romantic texts, I cook dinner for him, I bought sexy underwear and sex toys for his benefit, I give him blow jobs without asking for anything in return... I really don't see what more I could do to show him I care. He usually acknowledges the things I do, but he doesn't reciprocate any more. I feel taken for granted

[Dante311]

I haven't read a single post in this thread.

 

I am going to respond blindly.

 

Just throwing that out there.

 

I am indifferent towards dating. I do not sleep around.. hook up with randoms. I cannot be intimate with someone who I am not exclusive with. It's just how I am. Call it morals... virtue... respect... idiocy.. lunacy. I don't care. I am forever stupified by the sheer unwillingness to commit and engage in acts of fornication etc without any attachment, blindly. It implores trouble's calling.

 

Maybe I just fail at life?

[Eeyore79]

I've said it here many times, and I'll say it again: A woman is foolish to get emotionally invested before the man has made it very clear to her that he cares about her and she's a priority, then treats her that way reliably.

 

For a good few months he did act like he cared about me. He sent me candy and flowers, texted me reliably, responded to every email, told me how wonderful our relationship was and how amazingly perfect I was, and he was basically the perfect boyfriend... then he just stopped.

 

I was already emotionally and sexually invested by that point.

 

Then he started being a bit more snappy and irritable with me, he sometimes said some nasty things without thinking whether it would hurt me, and he retreated emotionally and started to not respond to anything even remotely romantic.

 

I questioned him and he said he cares about me deeply and wants to have a long term relationship with me, which just seems inconsistent with his actions. I don't know whether he's losing interest in me, or whether he's backing off for some other reason - maybe he feels scared by the emotional involvement, because he's socially avoidant and has been hurt in the past. I'm confused

[WowReally]

I dont understand why people settle for someone who clearly doesn't meet expectations...you're not married. Run!

 

Dating can be a chore but dont stay with someone because you dont like to date and are afraid to be alone.

[Eeyore79]

I dont understand why people settle for someone who clearly doesn't meet expectations...you're not married. Run!

 

Dating can be a chore but dont stay with someone because you dont like to date and are afraid to be alone.

That's not why I'm staying with him. I do genuinely care about him and love him, and for the first few months he was the perfect boyfriend, so I know he has the potential to make me happy. I just don't know why he's stopped being nice to me. I guess I am unwilling to just give up when I know he can make me happy if he tries, but if he continues to act like he doesn't care I'll have no option but to give up on him

[Cracker Jack]

You sound like a lovely woman.

 

I really...don't know what it is you can, or want to do at this point, tho. I know you want him to be more affectionate towards you, just to let you know you're loved--however, this likely will not happen. Honestly, I think you should give it more time, since six months isn't much. If this issue doesn't improve, you probably will never be happy with him.

 

Do you believe he was simply as nice as he was in the beginning just to get sex from you?

[Eeyore79]

Do you believe he was simply as nice as he was in the beginning just to get sex from you?

No, I don't think so; he doesn't seem the type to manipulate me just to get sex. Also he took me to meet his parents on more than one occasion, which he wouldn't do if he just wanted sex. I don't expect him to want to marry me or anything when we've only dated for six months, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to act like he cares about me, especially when he used to do so. He just seems to have withdrawn his affection and I don't know why.

 

I know you want him to be more affectionate towards you, just to let you know you're loved--however, this likely will not happen.

I'm not loved; that's the point - that's why I rely on his actions to tell me he cares. If he told me he loved me, I'd care less about his gestures, but since he doesn't say it I need him to at least show it. I would never have had sex with him if he'd been as cold in the beginning as he is now.

[Cracker Jack]

So, where do you want this relationship to go from here? Based on everything you've said, I don't see how it could be beneficial to you, since you believe he doesn't love you.

 

If you've talked to him about this already, and have yet to see any changes, there might never be any changes.

[atlnay]

You're thread makes me rather sad, not sure why. Not bring cynical, I just puruse other sections of this forum, read a lot of books & have a few really good male friends. Keep in mind men prefer not to be celibate in their relationships. I understand you need certain things to happen in order for you to be turned on by him again or go back to enjoying sex like the times when you're emotional needs were being met, but if you two aren't "exclusive" or even if you are and the frequency/quality has dropped &/or you are turning him down, he may stray. Try to address the issue at hand & resolve to do something sooner vs. Later. Longer you go saying nothing, you are going to resent him & the relationship. Not fun or fair to either of you.

[Eeyore79]

This relationship will not work because a) there is no communication, b) you both want different things.

I try to communicate with him, but there is no resolution because we want different things. I want a loving, caring relationship where we assume we're staying together and behave accordingly. He wants this extended assessment period where there's mutual liking and sex but no actual love and caring. I have tried to accomodate this, but we're six months in and he still can't say whether he truly cares and wants to be with me. I really can't continue to invest in him - if what I've given him isn't enough for him to feel that he wants to be with me, then I don't know what else I can do. I'm beginning to feel a bit stupid just hanging around, giving him everything and waiting for him to realise I'm worth keeping.

 

You seem to want to have your cake and to eat it too and he seems content with one small segment of cake

I'm not really sure what this means. I don't want to have my cake and eat it - I merely want my bf (who is a lovely man in all other respects) to treat me like he cares about me, like he used to treat me when we first dated.

 

Also, why on earth are you with someone who disrespects you?

When he said hurtful things, he claimed he wasn't thinking before he spoke, or I was misinterpreting his meaning, or I was simply too sensitive. Then it was my fault for being upset. One time he said something extremely hurtful and I hung up on him, then he went off on one about how it was insulting that I hung up and I'd ruined his day - never mind that I was absolutely devastated by what he said and that's why I hung up.

 

I don't think I'm being unreasonable - some of the things he said were deeply hurtful and I had every right to be upset. I know he can be a little tactless sometimes and he never really intends to hurt me, which is why I keep forgiving him.

[Eeyore79]

So, where do you want this relationship to go from here? Based on everything you've said, I don't see how it could be beneficial to you, since you believe he doesn't love you.

I know he doesn't love me, but we've only been dating for six months, so I guess I still hope he will love me eventually. If he just acted like he cared about me, that would be enough for now.

 

Keep in mind men prefer not to be celibate in their relationships.

He prefers not to be celibate - well I prefer not to be unloved! I don't see why I should continue to meet his sexual needs if he isn't meeting my emotional needs. I've accommodated his sexual needs for long enough without getting sufficient love and caring in return, and I'm sick of it.

[Ruby Slippers]

For a good few months he did act like he cared about me. He sent me candy and flowers, texted me reliably, responded to every email, told me how wonderful our relationship was and how amazingly perfect I was, and he was basically the perfect boyfriend... then he just stopped.

In a case like this, very rarely do things go back to the way they used to be. Sorry. It's happened to me (after a year and a half, though), and it hurts. But that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

[Star Gazer]

I know he doesn't love me, but we've only been dating for six months, so I guess I still hope he will love me eventually. If he just acted like he cared about me, that would be enough for now.

 

 

He prefers not to be celibate - well I prefer not to be unloved! I don't see why I should continue to meet his sexual needs if he isn't meeting my emotional needs. I've accommodated his sexual needs for long enough without getting sufficient love and caring in return, and I'm sick of it.

 

OP, you are painfully unfulfilled in this relationship. There are plenty of men out there who will want to meet your needs and will move heaven and earth to make sure they do so.

 

But you won't meet any of them so long as you remain in this..."relationship."

[shadowplay]

Eh, it's not even worth a talk. Just dump him.