Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 For me, it really depends on the nature of the relationship with the ex (both during and after their breakup). But regardless, I'd expect my SO to respect my boundaries in that regard, just as I would his, whatever they may be...even if that meant absolutely NC.
Author northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I would avoid getting into a relationship with someone who had extensive contact with an ex or multiple exes anyway, as their values don't match up with mine in that regard, so hopefully I would avoid conflict that is based around prior relationships. If you feel that you absolutely could not tolerate an SO being friends with an ex, then don't go for those people when seeking a relationship. If I had known about the extent of my first boyfriend's relationship with his ex BEFORE I had started dating him, then I wouldn't have bothered with him. But as it happens, he avoided telling me about it at all until weeks into our relationship, and by that point I was already invested and willing to "fight" for him. I had been convinced that all they had ever been was friends until he finally told me otherwise. Well, in your case, he was being somewhat deceitful to you, so I can understand that. What if you began dating someone, and they were upfront and honest and told you an ex had contacted them to catch up or they ran into them. How would you react? Tell them to cease all contact, or trust that they are being on the level? I think honestly plays a big part. Being upfront and honest about ex's and contact and putting you at ease if an ex does contact them. I think if someone hides the fact an ex was still friends with them, or had contacted them, then that is indication of a bigger problem
alexlakeman Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Contact with ex's is bad... I know first hand... I had two extremes... 1. My best female freind was an ex g/f... NEVER any more interest in each other.. but best of freinds... I knew her husband, she knew my g/f and we went out etc... that worked.. Example # 2... 2. Last serious g/f... I remained freinds w/the gf b4 her of 3 years... 1 year into my relationship with the "last serious gf"... the ex and I went out for a beer, we ended up in bed, and there was the end of my relationship with my "last serious gf".... So going forward, I will be more cautious if a woman is still freinds with an ex, based on my OWN experience..
Crazy Magnet Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I personally am in the #1 camp. I don't keep in any kind of regular contact with my ex's. I contacted an ex when his brother died as I was close to his brother when we dated as well, and I occasionally get asked dating questions from the most recent ex via text. We have spoken on the phone twice in the year 2010. I've never had a man I dated want to only be my friend after we broke up. Sometimes it took years for them to admit their feelings to me, but after enough times I realized that it's truly the rare friendship that can be born from a relationship. People who say it's the norm are in denial! lol My BF is in the #3 camp. But he had NO boundaries with his ex's and was completely disrespectful to our relationship in the beginning. He was hanging out with an ex along AT HER HOUSE ALONE! wtf? And constantly emailing, talking, and having lunch with another ex without intention of ever introducing me or including me in these friendships. I put an end to that right away. We have compromised and maintain a #2 in our relationship. I don't mind if ex's are around (and he's still got some around) as long as they are friends with both of us and respect the relationship. The women who chose to throw a fit rather than be my friend too got the boot. I've become friends with some of my BFs ex's that he insisted on keeping around and I think he gets really uncomfortable knowing that we have entire relationships that don't involve him, yet we still discuss him (girls talk about relationships, duh!). My intent was not to make him uncomfortable, but I'm not going to stop hanging out with these girls on his behalf.
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