northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I see a lot of threads on LS about people upset because their current SO has some sort of contact with ex's and it makes them feel insecure. I am curious what most people's views on this are if your SO is any form of contact with an ex (from the occasional email once a year, up to them actually hanging out): 1)Absolutely no contact at all - they shouldn't talk/respond to them again if we are dating, even if they broke up long ago and have moved on. 2)The occasional friendly contact doesn't bother me as long as there are clear boundaries of respect and the ex knows that they are in a relationship 3)I don't really care, I am not jealous and they can be friends/talk to whom they want as long as we are together. LS'ers?
Philetus Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 #3. I don't seek to control my SO's behaviour or tell her what to do. If our relationship is strong then contact with her exes is irrelevant. If contact with her exes becomes a problem, there is an underlying issue with the relationship which needs to be addressed. I control what I can control and trust my partner. Trust, openness, honesty are cornerstones to my relationships and without them, there is no relationship. I don't tell other people what to do just like I don't want them to tell me what to do.
denise_xo Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 No. 3, for pretty much the same reasons as Philetus.
carhill Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 A prerequisite to any regular contact is for her ex to impress me with the selection of beer he brings to the BBQ I'm inviting him to. Otherwise, contact is inappropriate as far as I'm concerned.
phineas Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 When I was in my 20's i'd say NO WAY! was cheated on too many times by women with their ex's. I spent most of my 30's married. My wife was cheating on me with an ex or 2 but I didn't know she was in contact with them at the time. Now i'm 38. ALL the single women these days my age have got guy friends & some of them are ex's. I'd say 3 now because I just don't care anymore because I'm not the jealous type. My gut is now a fine-tuned instrument & has been spot on latley when it comes to women & guy friends. Naturally any woman I date would want me to meet all of her friends & I also would want her to meet all of my friends reguardless of gender. I can honestly say EVERY woman that cheated on me with a "just a friend" ex or not were adamant I dropped all my female friends while they retained their guy friends. So if a woman I started dateing that had guy friends told me I had to drop my female friends i'd drop her. If she didn't care & trusted me it would be very easy for me to do the same.
apolo1512 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 When I was in my 20's i'd say NO WAY! was cheated on too many times by women with their ex's. I spent most of my 30's married. My wife was cheating on me with an ex or 2 but I didn't know she was in contact with them at the time. Now i'm 38. ALL the single women these days my age have got guy friends & some of them are ex's. I'd say 3 now because I just don't care anymore because I'm not the jealous type. My gut is now a fine-tuned instrument & has been spot on latley when it comes to women & guy friends. Naturally any woman I date would want me to meet all of her friends & I also would want her to meet all of my friends reguardless of gender. I can honestly say EVERY woman that cheated on me with a "just a friend" ex or not were adamant I dropped all my female friends while they retained their guy friends. So if a woman I started dateing that had guy friends told me I had to drop my female friends i'd drop her. If she didn't care & trusted me it would be very easy for me to do the same. I agree with you.
BWLoca Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 2. I consider it a red flag if the person I'm seeing has constant contact with their exes so no need for me to even go there. I express my feelings in the beginning.
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Naturally any woman I date would want me to meet all of her friends & I also would want her to meet all of my friends reguardless of gender. I can honestly say EVERY woman that cheated on me with a "just a friend" ex or not were adamant I dropped all my female friends while they retained their guy friends. So if a woman I started dateing that had guy friends told me I had to drop my female friends i'd drop her. If she didn't care & trusted me it would be very easy for me to do the same. the bit I highlighted is very interesting, I've never come across that from men (with opposite sex friendships I mean) otherwise agree with the post
Author northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 2. I consider it a red flag if the person I'm seeing has constant contact with their exes so no need for me to even go there. I express my feelings in the beginning. Good point. I think that you have to question why someone would need to be in constant contact with an ex. Particularly when you know that the ex still has feelings for them. I dated a girl years ago who was constantly getting texts/calls from an ex. She explained to me that he had a hard time dealing with the breakup and couldn't let go. At first, I tried to be understanding because I didnt' feel threatened, just a bit annoyed, but she couldn't seem to grasp the idea that by her responding back to him, she was sending him mixed signals to fuel him to continue. She really could not grasp this and in her mind it was innocent. After a while, I realized that she was more interested in her own ego being validated from his attention, then she was in respecting my feelings and the relationship, so it ended.
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 maybe, you must remember not to project your own reasons on other people though. I'm very good friend with an ex because I have known him since I was 20 (now I'm 38) so pretty much all my adult life. I won't give that up just because of someone's insecurities
Author northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 maybe, you must remember not to project your own reasons on other people though. I'm very good friend with an ex because I have known him since I was 20 (now I'm 38) so pretty much all my adult life. I won't give that up just because of someone's insecurities Nope, fair enough, but I'm sure if you were dating someone new, you'd let your ex know.
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Nope, fair enough, but I'm sure if you were dating someone new, you'd let your ex know. yes of course. I wouldn't answer the phone when my new date is around anyway
New Again Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 1)Absolutely no contact at all - they shouldn't talk/respond to them again if we are dating, even if they broke up long ago and have moved on. #1 is my personal preference, given the fact that I do not have any contact with any of my exes (all relationships ended on good terms), so I just don't really understand why someone would keep in contact - keeps things a lot simpler, IMO. 2)The occasional friendly contact doesn't bother me as long as there are clear boundaries of respect and the ex knows that they are in a relationship #2 is more realistic, however, and I'm fine with that
Fire Salamander Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Why does everything have to result to some form of insecurities? I've been in relationships where I knew I was the better catch and I felt very secure, even while she was still maintaining contact with the ex. Yet I still didn't like it. For me I think It's a sign of disrespect. Not towards me but to our relationship. Why do you still need to talk to your ex for? You have a new boyfriend so what's the point? If I find out my next girl friend is still talking to her ex, I'll simply leave. You can't tell people what to do. At the same time, we men know exactly why the ex is still around. He obviously still wants to get back. It's not that we don't trust you, but him. My last relationship actually ended because of this issue. I told her all those guys and exes just want to get in your pants. She told me but I let them know we're just friends so It's all innocent. I told her just by speaking through your actions, eating dinner, watching movies, etc... You're telling them you're interested and giving false hope. All for what? If they contact you sure why not respond with something like.. I'm doing great, take care. If you keep communicating then I think that's wrong. It's whatever, women will do this until the end of time. Let it be known early on that you don't like that ***** at all. It's bull crap.
New Again Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 (edited) It's whatever, women will do this until the end of time. As will men. Agree that I would never tell someone flat out they can't see/talk to someone. I dated someone who was still in contact with exes, to include one who was married. He thought it was ridiculous that anyone would have an issue with them hanging out/being in contact because she was married...and he didn't understand that it wasn't insecurity, it was a matter of respect for me, my relationship, AND her husband - a married woman should not be texting or calling someone else's bf drunkenly at 1am. Edited August 30, 2010 by New Again
flying Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 #2 is reasonable, to me, and I could be cool with that. But that apparently isn't enough for some people. This has been a problem in my current relationship...years ago, when we first started dating, he felt awkward about having me and his ex in the same room, apparently. We were going to a party that she was also attending; an hour or so beforehand, he informs me that a) she'll be there; and b) he doesn't want to "flaunt" our relationship in front of her because it would make her feel bad. Basically, we couldn't act couply I suppose. That made it clear to me that she wasn't going to be a friend of our relationship, and that crosses the boundary, IMO. I think I could have been OK with them being friends, except that if you can't have a normal relationship with someone else in front of your ex, then you. are. not. friends. :mad: He told her I was upset and that they couldn't hang out (she wanted to go to dinner one-on-one with him, although she and I had never even spoken). She was mad at him, and of course the subtext is that it's all my fault, because I'm a jealous wench I suppose. Ugh. Years later, everything is still awkward. And recently I discovered that he has spoken to her sporadically behind my back. Because it would upset me, natch. I don't know why I'm still in this relationship. No, I don't think there's anything going on beyond an ego boost/fear of commitment on his part. But you know what? Maybe that's enough for me to give up at this point. Anyway, I guess the lesson is if they're going to do it, they're going to do it. Hopefully someone who really loves you will be honest and aboveboard...that's what matters most. Lying sucks. Sorry for the vent/threadjack...having a bad day. :(
tigressA Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I prefer #1, as that is how I do things. I don't maintain contact with any of my exes and don't understand why anyone else would, unless there are kids in the picture (and I don't date guys with kids). I feel that it's about showing respect to the relationship that you're in. That being said, like New Again I realize that #2 is more realistic, so I would be okay with that. As soon as I felt a boundary was being crossed, I would make it known, and if nothing changed it would be an instant "Next!"
pandagirl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I think it all depends on the situation. Also, I think as you get older, it's more likely that you've at least stayed friendly with one ex, just because there are more of them at that point. As long as it's clear that I am #1, and he doesn't give any preferential treatment to former flames, I'm ok with some friendly contact. Best friends? No.
tigressA Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I think it all depends on the situation. Also, I think as you get older, it's more likely that you've at least stayed friendly with one ex, just because there are more of them at that point. As long as it's clear that I am #1, and he doesn't give any preferential treatment to former flames, I'm ok with some friendly contact. Best friends? No. You make a good point with that first part. It does depend on the situation. I definitely wouldn't stand for my guy hanging out with one of his exes alone, etc. My first boyfriend did that; it made me feel horribly jealous and insecure, and with good reason--he was still very much into her and they still depended on each other, even though she'd left him for his best friend. That was a baaaad situation.
Author northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 You make a good point with that first part. It does depend on the situation. I definitely wouldn't stand for my guy hanging out with one of his exes alone, etc. My first boyfriend did that; it made me feel horribly jealous and insecure, and with good reason--he was still very much into her and they still depended on each other, even though she'd left him for his best friend. That was a baaaad situation. I agree with this. You need to be able to trust a SO that they are being honest and respecting you and the relationship. I wouldn't be happy with an ex hanging out one on one with an SO, esp if you knew they had still shown interest in my SO. I have never understood when someone has an issue telling an ex they are with someone new from a fear of hurting their feelings.
tigressA Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I have never understood when someone has an issue telling an ex they are with someone new from a fear of hurting their feelings. That right there would prompt me to dump the guy in an instant. That is a crystal-clear sign, to me, that they are not over their ex and that they put their ex's feelings above our relationship. That is absolutely unacceptable; I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.
Author northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 That right there would prompt me to dump the guy in an instant. That is a crystal-clear sign, to me, that they are not over their ex and that they put their ex's feelings above our relationship. That is absolutely unacceptable; I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. Well, it may not be that they are not over there ex - that's hard to say for sure unless there are other signs, but rather they still enjoy the attention, or just cannot handle any sort of conflict if the ex gets upset. But yeah, definitely a sign they are not respecting the relationship enough for me and it would warrant a serious chat.
Butterflying Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I actually think it's healthy and desirable to remain friendly with ex's as long as the boundaries are clear and both are aware of current BF/GF. This shows that whatever problems they had in their relationship were resolved. Or at least it wasn't such an extreme, unhealthy problem that made friendship impossible. Ideally they have learned from mistakes, agreed to end the relationship, but still be friends and move on with their lives. I don't know how many relationships I've had where I wish I could still be friends with ex's. But insecurity, jealousy, or unresolved issues come up every time. And this could be the reason that it's difficult for some people to move on and have better relationships if they haven't worked out whatever went wrong in a previous one.
Butterflying Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 If I'm in a committed relationship with a guy, I want to know who his friends are. I don't have to know ever single detail about his friends. But if he goes out to dinner or something else that could be considered a "date" with a female (or someone he could be attracted to) I should meet that person. It really is disrespectful and irresponsible for someone to be friends with an ex who clearly doesn't like the new GF/BF. In that case, I would feel very insecure about my BF's relationship with his ex. I'm not insecure; but that situation would make me feel insecure about their intentions and how it could interfere with my relationship with him.
tigressA Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Well, it may not be that they are not over there ex - that's hard to say for sure unless there are other signs, but rather they still enjoy the attention, or just cannot handle any sort of conflict if the ex gets upset. But yeah, definitely a sign they are not respecting the relationship enough for me and it would warrant a serious chat. I would avoid getting into a relationship with someone who had extensive contact with an ex or multiple exes anyway, as their values don't match up with mine in that regard, so hopefully I would avoid conflict that is based around prior relationships. If you feel that you absolutely could not tolerate an SO being friends with an ex, then don't go for those people when seeking a relationship. If I had known about the extent of my first boyfriend's relationship with his ex BEFORE I had started dating him, then I wouldn't have bothered with him. But as it happens, he avoided telling me about it at all until weeks into our relationship, and by that point I was already invested and willing to "fight" for him. I had been convinced that all they had ever been was friends until he finally told me otherwise.
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