fling turned too serious... why hasnt he called?

[my body is a cage]

Long story short, I had a really intense fling with this guy at the beginning of the summer. I met him during the last weeks of school, and after that he came and visited me at home. During this time, we became really close, he was nothing but sweet and respectful, things moved pretty quickly...

 

I had to leave to do an internship abroad, and he was adamant about coming and visiting me. Hes never left the country before and got his passport. I was a little confused, because he didn't have a job, but would have liked if he had visited. Eventually he told me he probably couldnt come for financial reasons (I wasnt surprised).

 

Regardless, he made it clear he wanted me to contact him when I got back, so I did. He was very receptive, texting me alot, etc. He had gotten a job in a city nearby, so we met up. Everything was going well, until we got to a party, got a little too drunk, and he started saying that he didnt come visit me because it would have been such a big commitment since we only just met (fair enough, only rational part, except I don't think he would have had the financial means to visit me), and he couldnt have anything serious, is a piece of ****, last relationship was a trainwreck (he cheated on his gf nonstop) and how he doesnt know himself at all (depression, attempted suicide, getting his life in sorts), no longer living in the same place.

 

I was taken aback by this, as it came out of nowhere... during the talk he he had told my friend he thought I was pissed at him for not visiting me, which I had not said at all. We t ended up hooking up anyway. I stopped him, saying I didn't want to get hurt, and he said he had already hurt me by not coming and visiting me I asked him why he had texted me if he didnt want anything serious, and he said because "he had really wanted to see me" but that it had dawned on him during the night that I wanted something "really serious." We fell asleep in each others arms.

 

In the morning, I was a little upset with him but he walked me to the subway. He hugged me goodbye and said "its not like i don't want to see you... id like that." Later I texted him, embarrassed that I had shown that I was upset (at the time I had taken it as a personal rejection) saying i was sorry about the way things unfolded, that I hadn't been thinking clearly, and that I didn't want things to be awkward. He said he was sorry as well and didn't think things would be awkward.

 

Now, we haven't talked in three weeks. I ran into him at a party very briefly, and we hardly interacted... it was painfully awkward, for me at least.

 

I'm confused becuase I know hes not relationship material, but I did get attached to him because of the time we spent together... I feel like I did something wrong by making it seem like I wanted something serious, then again he did lead me on by telling me he was going to visit. I don't want a relationship with him, and while I was really hurt before, I think I am starting to understand this as less of a personal rejection. I do, however, care about him alot, and regret being so upset and letting things get so serious. I would like to see him, and he said he would like to see me, but has done nothing about it. Granted, I usually need to inform people when I'm in town because everyone lives in the city and I don't, he thinks I'm pissed at him, and hes generally sort of passive and now hes working alot and "finding himself."

 

I'm ambivalent on the matter: I would really like to be on good terms with him, considering how nice of a time we had together, but I don't know if it would be desperate of me to contact him. I also dont know if I made the situation even more serious by texting him saying I hoped things wouldnt be awkward and then not contacting him... maybe we could have resumed a light friendship if I had contacted him. Also, I want him to know I;m not mad at him for not visiting me- that would have been ridiculous if I were. I was confused, because he was so adamant about it, but not pissed.

 

But then again, why hasn't he contacted me since then? Is it because he doesn't care, or because its awkward? Why was he so distant at the party when I saw him?

 

Should I text him, email him, or just ignore him? Theres a chance we might run into each other, because we have similar social circles, but this chance is getting slimmer because he moved and I'm going back to school..do you think he will eventually contact me/ cares at all?

[Sabali]

There are two important things I have realized in my relatively short time on this Earth:

 

1) Yoga has been around for over 6000 years for a reason. Ain't nothing like yoga! It really helps to get your inner $#!+ straight.

 

 

2) The old folks always tells us to "take it slow" for a reason.

 

 

We hear "take it slow" in the dating biz so much that we have become insensitive to this phrase. Our grandparents see us hanging out too much with a person after 10 minutes of meeting them and they tell us to "take it slow" but this means nothing to us because it has become a cliche and that is a shame. It is a shame because things work out so much better when you take it slow. The intimacy lasts longer, it is more profound and you develop a deeper bond and avoid a lot of negative pitfalls when it comes to dating.

 

You said this:

 

"During this time, we became really close, he was nothing but sweet and respectful, things moved pretty quickly..."

 

He said:

 

"didnt come visit me because it would have been such a big commitment since we only just met"

 

 

Things moved too quick. It is clear. Thinsg are really fun in the beginning but the ending is destined for an explosion when we don't move slow mo. If you all about short term fun, by all means, allow things to move quickly and explode later but if you want to enjoy these relationships for a longer period of time, take it slow.

 

 

Do not contact him. Just speak to him when you run into him which I know will be gut-wrenching for you but the gut-wrenching situations are always created from moving too fast and we have to deal with him.

 

I have found that speaking of potentially awkward situations are self-fulfilled prophecies. In other words, if you talk about wanting to avoid potential awkward situations, you stand an excellent chance at actually creating them. So if a situation ends and may create an awkward situation, say nothing of it. Just forget about it. See him and just smile and go about your business.

 

Having a "light friendship" after this situation stands a better chance in a blockbuster movie or TV sitcom. Reality says that it is much less likely than likely but not impossible but I will bet on it not actually happen. This is what TV does to us. It makes up believe that "light friendship" can happen after this because it worked for Ross and Rachel. In real life, it is rare.

 

Pipe down, you, who have had it happened to you once in life. It is an exception rather than the rule.

[atlnay]

Three things jump out at me. In one paragraph you say he is not relationship material and you don't want a relationship with him. What do you really want? Next you say you're ambivalent, why are you overanalyzing his behavior? Lastly, actions speak louder than words, he can say what he wants to do till he is blue in the face, judge him by his actions or lack thereof. If you like his actions, keep him in your life...if you don not...you know what to do

[my body is a cage]

 

2) The old folks always tells us to "take it slow" for a reason.

 

 

Thanks for your advice. That's funny because "take it slow" was actually my new year's resolution. I tend to jump into things and make assumptions quickly and I'm very impatient (not necessarily only with guys). Other than in this situation, I stuck to it pretty well...

 

Do you think that because things happened so fast, he is no longer into me?

 

In this case, though, he was the one who sped up the case... I wasn't that into him initially, because I had heard of some of his emotional issues (his ex has a "campus" restraining order on him) but he was good enough in person that I decided to give him the chance. HE pursued me, HE was the one who sold a camera to come visit me, HE pushed the idea of coming to visit abroad...

 

I mean, the situation was such that we both didn't know what was going to happen after the summer... he was planning on moving across the country, but decided he would spend the summer with me first?

 

Its strange because hes full of grandiose ideas that never seem to happen. The thing about visiting me abroad is strange because it was his idea, and because I don't it could have happened (he had to sell his camera to visit me...) That night he said to me that he had thought that it could have been great, because he could have been with me, but at the same time, it could have not been great.

 

What bugs me is that after I came back he was still texting me and wanted to see me, it was he who chose to bring up this drama. He wanted to see me when I came back from abroad, but I feel that he doesnt want to see me now, which hurts. I would have been willing to "take it slow" you know? But he said he can't have a serious relationship (but still wants to see me). Now I've heard nothing from him at all.

 

I don't know. It just hurts to feel like he doesn't care, after all of that. We got along so well, and I really felt a connection to him in a way I don't usually, so I chose to overlook some warning signs (others I found about later). I have no idea when I will see him, since he is moving now... what I want is to "see each other" and "take it slow" but then again, I sort of know that would just lead to more pain, and frankly, I have NO idea what he thinks of the situation

[my body is a cage]

If you like his actions, keep him in your life...if you don not...you know what to do

 

Thanks. I really liked his actions before, but I don't like his lack of contacting me now... I mean, I do feel that he lead me on and that even though I hadn't thought about what to expect when I saw him again, he was very happy to hear from me before he saw me and said it was "clear I wanted something serious."

 

I guess what I want mostly is to not feel personally rejected by him, because we did become so close and got along so well.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sometimes I wonder if people subconsciously set themselves up to get hurt.

 

He told you everything you needed to know ( even if you hadn't want to in the first place)- he's non- commital, serial cheater, and emotionally unavailable.

 

Why then did you sleep with him?

 

A fling is a fling, not a binding contract that someone will remain " faithfully" yours.

[Sabali]

I know this whole situation was probably very romantic for you initially and that has worked its way into your mind well but we have to maintain our focus and reality.

 

First, anyone with a restraining order on them is never relationship material. I would recommend a drug dealer as relationship material to a female friend before someone who has had an ex put a restraining order on them. That means they are crazy and unstable.

 

You don't want to hear this and I realize that you probably wish you never put that on the table but be glad you did, lady bug. This is crucial. Whenever you think about him from now on, think about that restraining order!

 

 

We always have to take responsibility for our actions in a relationship. This is why we come to message boards for advice in the first place. We know that when we tell our friends and our brothesr about our relationship, we leave the mess we created in that relationship out of the story tellings. The mess you helped create here was allowing this relationship to move too fast. He wanted to move it fast but he couldn't do it without you, pumpkin.

 

Accept your part in this.

 

Moving fast causes this situation all of the time. It is what moving fast does and I will always point it out because so many negatives that occur in relationships can be avoided by being conscientious of this. Respect the pacing that is necessary for the development of a healthy relationship between two people.

 

You felt a connection to him because he sold you on romantic ideas and selling his camera to visit you is such a romantic gesture. Right? Look at all that attention you got and now it's gone. The abruptness is crappy. Right? But it's effective...

 

 

Next time, we move slow. You can take it fast again but it will only be a rerun of this episode. I promise you.

 

Forget this guy. He probably moved things fast to try to get over his ex. The number one indicator of being rebound is that things move super quick. Whether you were or not is besides the point.

[atlnay]

"I guess what I want mostly is to not feel personally rejected by him, because we did become so close and got along so well." - If you come away with nothing else from this situation, please realize & accept the simple truth of life: no one makes you feel anything, you are always in control of your own feelings. If this non relationship dude is no longer making you happy, invest your emotions into finding other young men to date. It'll help to distract you before you get too fixated on this dude. Good luck!

[xpaperxcutx]

"I guess what I want mostly is to not feel personally rejected by him, because we did become so close and got along so well." - If you come away with nothing else from this situation, please realize & accept the simple truth of life: no one makes you feel anything, you are always in control of your own feelings. If this non relationship dude is no longer making you happy, invest your emotions into finding other young men to date. It'll help to distract you before you get too fixated on this dude. Good luck!

 

Well actually, atlanay that's a bit of an understatement. People do affect us, it's how we deal with those feelings that count.

[my body is a cage]

I don't really know what the full story behind the campus restraining order was, but I hear he sent her "crazy" messages and her parents worked for the faculty and pulled some strings. Public safety still lets him be on campus because they say "clearly hes not a threat." But yes, logically I know this is a big red flag. Hence, why I don't want a relationship with him.

 

Accept your part in this.

 

Oh I accept my part plenty. I allowed him to move quickly because I was in sticky scenario with my friends and felt that he was the only person who made me feel appreciated and special.

 

And now I feel like its my fault- that I if were good enough, he would still be around, or that I did something that night to scare him away, because up until then he was still texting me, etc. I feel like I did something wrong that night, or that I've made it into a bigger deal by being so hurt about it.

 

He said it occured to him I wanted something serious, and that he had led me on by wanting to come to visit me abroad. I know that hes in a different stage right now, trying to figure out "who he is" finally has a job, is moving, etc, but I do feel that he led me on... on one hand nothing changed really and he said he still wanted to see me, but on the other hand, he did toy with my emotions and I got attached.

 

Saying he "still wanted to see me" made it even more confusing... I feel like I screwed up any chance for normalcy by being upset with him, and then sending that awkward text message... if we both want to hang out with each other, we could be, but then again, I don't know that he really wants to... why hasnt he contacted me at all? Because he doesn't like me at all anymore?

 

Forget this guy. He probably moved things fast to try to get over his ex. The number one indicator of being rebound is that things move super quick. Whether you were or not is besides the point.

 

Yeah, I thought of this too. I hope thats not all it was. Friends of mine (both girls and I) commented that it seemed like we had a real connection and he thought I was really special.

 

I don't know, do you think hes just over it? I know he thought about me alot while I was gone because he clearly made this huge deal over the coming and visiting me thing in his mind (all the while telling me he really wanted to)...

[my body is a cage]

 

He told you everything you needed to know ( even if you hadn't want to in the first place)- he's non- commital, serial cheater, and emotionally unavailable.

 

Why then did you sleep with him?

 

I know, hence why I don't want a relationship with him (anymore). Because my feelings grew I got attached, so it still hurts to not have heard from him. I'm not experienced in the way of flings, and as far as I know they're not supposed to end with broken promises of visiting someone overseas either.

 

Also, I didn't sleep with him. Not because I didn't want to necessarily - I'm really attracted to him and we have great chemistry - but because I wasn't sure if I or he would respect me if I did. Now I wonder if that played into it too, because maybe I was trying to manipulate him sexually.. I guess he was respectful of my decision because we still fell asleep in each other arms, he walked me to the subway and told me he still wanted to "see" me... this being all the more confusing because what would that entail? And after all of this, how can we just "see" each other?

[Sabali]

I don't really know what the full story behind the campus restraining order was, but I hear he sent her "crazy" messages and her parents worked for the faculty and pulled some strings. Public safety still lets him be on campus because they say "clearly hes not a threat." But yes, logically I know this is a big red flag. Hence, why I don't want a relationship with him.

 

 

 

Oh I accept my part plenty. I allowed him to move quickly because I was in sticky scenario with my friends and felt that he was the only person who made me feel appreciated and special.

 

And now I feel like its my fault- that I if were good enough, he would still be around, or that I did something that night to scare him away, because up until then he was still texting me, etc. I feel like I did something wrong that night, or that I've made it into a bigger deal by being so hurt about it.

 

He said it occured to him I wanted something serious, and that he had led me on by wanting to come to visit me abroad. I know that hes in a different stage right now, trying to figure out "who he is" finally has a job, is moving, etc, but I do feel that he led me on... on one hand nothing changed really and he said he still wanted to see me, but on the other hand, he did toy with my emotions and I got attached.

 

Saying he "still wanted to see me" made it even more confusing... I feel like I screwed up any chance for normalcy by being upset with him, and then sending that awkward text message... if we both want to hang out with each other, we could be, but then again, I don't know that he really wants to... why hasnt he contacted me at all? Because he doesn't like me at all anymore?

 

 

 

Yeah, I thought of this too. I hope thats not all it was. Friends of mine (both girls and I) commented that it seemed like we had a real connection and he thought I was really special.

 

I don't know, do you think hes just over it? I know he thought about me alot while I was gone because he clearly made this huge deal over the coming and visiting me thing in his mind (all the while telling me he really wanted to)...

 

 

 

This situation strongly stinks of you being a rebound. The best way to deal with being a rebound with a person you like is to... yep, you got it. Take it slow. You can still potentially win someone over by being rebound when you take it slow but if you let them drive at their rebound speed, you crash and they walk away from the crash just dandy while you stay behind hurt.

 

 

You was likely his babysitter while he dealt with his obsessive thoughts of his ex. Again, even if this is not the case, it doesn't matter. This guy somehow tapped into your insecurities and swept you up with his "game face."

 

Everyone wears their game face in the beginning of a relationship but if you take it slow, you will less likely be phased when they are unmasked.

 

Now there are truly wonderful people out there in the dating world and even when they dump their game faces, they are still great human beings underneath even though they do not shine as bright as they did in the beginning of a relationship. This guy isn't one of them.

 

 

Don't acutely destroy your mind by wondering "why." Accept what is and move on. This stuff happens. He probably was never really into you because his heart probably sat with someone else. He probably had every intention of visiting you abroad initially but realized that his feelings was not deep enough at all to do that.

 

The reason is not important. It is important that you move on now and learn from this. Stick to your New Year's resolution.

[my body is a cage]

He probably was never really into you because his heart probably sat with someone else. He probably had every intention of visiting you abroad initially but realized that his feelings was not deep enough at all to do that.

 

I mean, if anything I hope he did care and what he realized was that we hadn't known each other long enough... I don't think he would have said things such as "it could have been great because I could have been with you" about visiting me, and when I was upset at that party he was equally upset (everyone commented we both looked really depressed/were having a really intense convo). He said he wanted to comfort me but couldnt, and later ended up comforting me...

 

It hurts to think he was never that into me at all, because he certainly acted otherwise and we did have a connection (others agree). I didn't get the sense that he wasn't over his ex at all when I was with him, and I think/hope he was sincere when he said he can't have a serious relationship with anyone because he's too emotionally unstable

[my body is a cage]

besides, he still really wanted to see when i got back, was texting me etc, and said he still wanted to see me now. he cheated on his ex nonstop when he was with her, and said he couldnt have a serious relationship bc he was a piece of **** and didnt trust himself... we also both agreed we had a GREAT time when he visited me. maybe he never wanted something serious but id hope he did care about me, at some level.

 

idk ive been feeling somewhat better about the situation lately, but now i feel like im overanalyzing it more wondering if was just a rebound... i really hope that wasnt the case.

[Sabali]

idk ive been feeling somewhat better about the situation lately, but now i feel like im overanalyzing it more wondering if was just a rebound... i really hope that wasnt the case.

 

 

I do not think you are overanalyzing it as much as you are rationalizing things. You speak of this "connection" that you had with him and that all of your friends could see it. I will rephrase what I said previously and say that initially, in relationships, people put their best foot forward and wear their "game face." They can only keep this act up for so long before it becomes tiresome and their true colors began to show and this is one of the good reasons why it is important to take things slow.

 

 

No matter what connection you felt, this guy doesn't sound like someone you want to be messing around with. He has a restraining order on him and he treated his ex like crap and he is confused. I believe this connection you felt with him and trying to wonder if you was rebound is not even worth reflecting on in the first place because he sounds like he is crazy in the first place. I think you need to move on and stop trying to rationalize and support ideas of why he did feel something for you or not.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you do not continue to waste your time with this guy. Take care.

[Star Gazer]

You started two threads about flings/hookups/FWBs... these aren't the same guy, I don't think.

 

I'm a little confused about what you're looking for, in general. A relationship? Just a fun time?

[my body is a cage]

You started two threads about flings/hookups/FWBs... these aren't the same guy, I don't think.

 

I'm a little confused about what you're looking for, in general. A relationship? Just a fun time?

 

Hahah yeah not about the same guy, theyre friends with each other though.

 

I'm equally confused. The guy in this thread I grew to care about, but I rationally know I shouldn't want a relationship with him because of his history but I guess I still have feelings for him and am hurt/ confused by his behavior. With this guy I guess I would want friendship, so as not to diminish the time we had together? And also to not give him the power of thinking I'm really torn up about this. I would like to spend time with him and have a nice interaction and be at my most charming. I guess I could consider him as a FWB, since hes not boyfriend material, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that without getting hurt.

 

The other guy I don't really care about, I was just surprised to receive a booty text from him, he didn't respond to my text... oh well. (Hope it wasnt because he thought my text was snarky). With him I guess I would be interested in getting to know him, or making out with him. Either or. He's graduated and I'm going back to school in a week so not much time left for anything else.

 

Ultimately, though, what I do want is a meaningful relationship with someone I connect with. I thought the first guy could have turned into that, but was really let down. Its rare that I have as much in common / feel as comfortable with a guy as I did with him.

 

I dont know how to achieve this, and am generally feeling down on my luck... I haven't had a "real" boyfriend since high school. I guess the ultimate problem is that I feel unworthy... I'm going to be a senior and have exhausted all of my resources, so to speak. And it seems like dating only gets harder after college. Great.

[my body is a cage]

OK new update: the guy isnt moving anymore and will actually be around (surprise, surprise). this means theres a good chance of me running into him.... how should i act?

 

im confused as to what his lack of contact means, because up until the night i saw him he was contacting me, making an effort to see me, then it dawned on him i "wanted something very serious," he told me he couldnt have that, hooked up with me, said he still wanted to see me, hasnt contacted me. this is by far the longest we havent had any contact at all since we met.

 

i dont know if its because its awkward, or if hes trying to keep the signal clear, if hes just not into me now, for some reason... (but he was into me enough before to consider living abroad with me over the summer), if he thinks im pissed at him, blah blah. not knowing why is going to make it weird when i see him, i think, unless i mentally prepare myself and just act like everything is cool and not pay too much attention to him.

 

basically, what can i do to make the best of the scenario? by that i mean, be on good terms with him and also make him regret his decision.

[dispatch3d]

text from friend was a trap I think?

 

Dating for a relationship. You are doing it wrong.

 

A guy brings a girl to an expensive dinner without her knowledge, and she does not sleep with him. Is it fair for him to feel angry and mad at her for not holding up her end of the bargain?

 

Girl sleeps with guy assuming he will have a long term relationship with him. Is it fair for the girl to be mad/sad/angry/upset/some other negative emotiong at the guy if he doesn't want a long term relationship?

[my body is a cage]

text from friend was a trap I think?

 

Dating for a relationship. You are doing it wrong.

 

A guy brings a girl to an expensive dinner without her knowledge, and she does not sleep with him. Is it fair for him to feel angry and mad at her for not holding up her end of the bargain?

 

Girl sleeps with guy assuming he will have a long term relationship with him. Is it fair for the girl to be mad/sad/angry/upset/some other negative emotiong at the guy if he doesn't want a long term relationship?

 

hahah your answers are so cryptic. as per usual im a little confused. do you think the text from the other guy had to do with this guy? i thought of that for a second, but then decided that was unlikely because that would involve a lot of shenanigans and such. as far as i know theyre not THAT close, but maybe they are, and the other guy did know that we were involved at one point so who knows.

 

i didnt sleep with him until he came and visited me for five days earlier this summer. coming and visiting me and spending five days with someone + i want to spend my summer with you abroad would imply relationship, no? i think it was fair for me to be upset with him, seeing as he led me on (he even said he led me on).

 

but yes, i know that his explanation that that would have been a huge commitment, and that he cant have anything serious at this time were rational, but i was upset beause after the time we spent together and the connection we had i felt like i was being personally rejected.

 

now i regret showing that i was upset (although i didnt throw a hissy fit or anything, and he still comforted me/ hooked up with me, so i cant have been too crazy, right?) and he said he still wanted to "see" me, and i feel like i set things up for things being awkward in the future (despite my im sorry i wasnt thinking clearly i think i understand where youre coming from i dotn want things to be awkward- text)... maybe i came on too strong that night? ugh

 

i dont know. im very confused about this, because i have feelings for him and i know i shouldnt, considering he isnt boyfriend material, but i also want to redeem myself and dont know how. and im sad/confused that he hasnt contacted me. im not sure if i would want a fwb relationship with him... but i think this scenario is too screwed up/ far gone now for me not to get hurt.

[dispatch3d]

"I guess the ultimate problem is that I feel unworthy..."

 

This is a pretty huge revelation. When I see someone has a problem that I think needs fixing, the first thing (and usually the only thing) I do is make them self-aware. They usually act in shock. You are self-aware already. This is the first step to fixing something.

 

Now onto your problem, which has nothing to do with anything you just wrote above. Forget "should I have texted him this", "what if I had texted him that", blablabla bull**** fullfertalk. Your problem is the quote above. How is this affecting your relationships?

 

Onto my "cryptic" answer. Two paragraphs, both describing the needs of a man and a woman.

 

Paragraph A

What does a woman want in a relationship? Companionship and a connection. Question (1) is exactly what this is. If you continued to see this -type- of guy there would be no pressure (if you so chose) to sleep with him. You could likely go on not sleeping with him for MONTHS before he decided to kick you to the curb. He is - most likely - a betamale.

 

Paragraph B

What does a man want in a relationship? Sex. You could go on sleeping with him for MONTHS before you decided enough is enough and kicked HIM to the curb (since he did not want a relationship). He is - most likely - an alphamale.

 

This is your problem. You are giving the sex up front EXPECTING them to reciprocate what you want (companionship). It doesn't work like that. You have to put a value to yourself. You have to decide that they need you more than you need them. If they want to get you, then they have to take you out. They have to wine and dine you at least a little before anything evolves on the physical side (ie what I described in the very paragraph above).

 

I am suggesting this way of doing things, because your problem is what you stated earlier (oh man full circle!). "I guess the ultimate problem is that I feel unworthy...". If you dictate what you want in the relationship, wining and dining, from the get go then you will internalize that they need you. That if they (guys) aren't willing to hold up their end of the bargain, then you can go get another guy who is willing to wine and dine you before you start dating.

 

Fast forward a year, 6 months, 4 years, however long it takes.

 

There are two sides to the equation. Paragraph A, and Paragraph B. You see the matrix and understand how they work. You are no longer attached to outcomes. You know if they don't decide to date you in the end then it is their fault. You know where you are emotionally after having sex, etc. All the sudden it doesn't matter which side of the equation you approach things from. You can all the sudden be in control doing paragraph A, OR doing paragraph B. Then it doesn't matter. You chose whether to have sex first, then wine and dine, or vice versa.

 

Do a lot of woman fall into paragraph A or paragraph B? I would assume (not a woman, I'm a man) that most fall more in the category of paragraph A. This is what society teaches women they are supposed to do. What do most alpha's do? They do as much of paragraph A as the woman makes them do. Then they move on to paragraph B. They were always in control, just like you can (in the future) be.

 

Of course life doesn't exist in extremes as I just described (usually). People stand somewhere inbetween paragraph A or paragraph B. Sure, there are some people on the ends (real players who you rarely meet, just do paragraph B), but the majority are either leaning slightly A or slightly B. You are too far leaning to what guys want, you need to lean farther to what girls want.

[my body is a cage]

im feeling more worthy than i was a few days ago. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i had a really hard time when i was abroad and am working on getting out of a funk...

 

i feel like the problem here migth have been me coming on too strong when i saw him again, and something in my behavior gave away taht i expected commitment from him. i mean, this guy put in a lot of effort before i slept with him. i dont just "give it up," we had a legitimate connection. and after we had, he said he was going to come visit me, and did not follow through with that...

 

where things got sticky were when we saw each other again... he had dramatized this coming and living with me thing into this big issue. i, on the other hand, feeling vulnerable and being confused because he had told me he wanted to visit and then said he couldnt, then all of a sudden said it was because of commitment, took it personally and got upset- i feel like this revealed an insecurity. the sex thing was confusing at this time because he had said all these things, then comforted me, then we almost had sex, but i wasnt comfortable because i was confused...

 

now that time has passed, i have the insight to see that we both rushed into things, that would have been too huge of a commitment, i would be willing to take it slow, but then again, he doesnt want anything serious with anybody because of his dating past and emotional issues. or so he says.

 

i guess instinctively i know that he at least cared about me, and even the way he handled things that night said that (he explained he had thought it might be great to come visit and be with me, or it could be not great because we only just met) and that we fell asleep in each others arms.

 

did him saying he wanted to see me supposed to make it clear hes still interested in some way, even thoughh he cant offer a relationship? and that if i werent mad at him, i would text him?

 

now, just for arguments sake- say i want to approach this as if it were scenario B and i wanted to be fwb with him. should i then contact him, ask him whats up and say i want to hang out? or is that stiill desperate?

 

my question is how do i do damage control with this guy- is it a lost cause? would he even respond if i contacted him? has he not contacted me because he lost interest because i revealed insecurity? or because he feels guilty? or he thinks its too much effort?

 

should i just wait until i see him?

[dispatch3d]

im feeling more worthy than i was a few days ago. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i had a really hard time when i was abroad and am working on getting out of a funk...

 

 

I believe you will overcome this problem faster than most women will.

 

i feel like the problem here migth have been me coming on too strong when i saw him again, and something in my behavior gave away taht i expected commitment from him. i mean, this guy put in a lot of effort before i slept with him. i dont just "give it up," we had a legitimate connection. and after we had, he said he was going to come visit me, and did not follow through with that...

 

There are societal opinions at work in this sentence. No women, will EVER say she's a slut to the general public. And, no woman will ever believe she is a slut. It is programmed into your brain as a belief, you are not slutty. Period. Any actions you do which may be contrary to this will be backward rationalized into non-slutty behaviour using the belief/stand point that you are not a slut (this is a given). This is like saying the earth revolves around the sun. It is that much of a fact to you in your realm of reality/paradigm of the world.

 

In fact, in if I were to break down all of your beliefs to their core. As in, which ideas do you hold to be true regardless of experience (such as the fact you exist). Then (ugh sentence structure) I would say that this "not a slut" belief is higher up the ladder, or more a fact to you, than the earth revolving around the sun, the fact the earth rotates on an axis, that the internet exists, etc. I am telling you this only so you understand your own thought patterns better, since I think understanding this will help you figure out this problem. I am by no means judging you. I am taking no stance on what you wish to call this internally in your head. All your choice. I do not care. I am trying to help you start relationships with guys. That's it.

 

At some point in the development of the relationship you are giving up your power. Your power should be defined as how much of paragraph A or paragraph B you are giving at any given time. This could mean that after he sleeps with you once, you switch completely to a standpoint of no power. All of the sudden you are going too much with paragraph B.

 

It doesn't matter at what point you slip from A->B. Just that it has happened, he realizes it, and he knows he is in scenario B so he doesn't have to do any of scenario A. This would be the "be a challenge" part of the equation with women.

 

A and B must be balanced at all times of the relationship. If he is denying starting a relationship and you really WANT one, then you have gone too far on the B side and have not done enough of the A.

 

where things got sticky were when we saw each other again... he had dramatized this coming and living with me thing into this big issue. i, on the other hand, feeling vulnerable and being confused because he had told me he wanted to visit and then said he couldnt, then all of a sudden said it was because of commitment, took it personally and got upset- i feel like this revealed an insecurity. the sex thing was confusing at this time because he had said all these things, then comforted me, then we almost had sex, but i wasnt comfortable because i was confused...

 

You are doing too much B and not enough A. You are giving the guy what he wants before you are truly comfortable with things. It sounds like initially your paragraph A and paragraph B were balanced. Then you had sex with him, and your mind immediately clicked to paragraph B. You all the sudden did not demand as much paragraph A. I could be wrong though. Only you can analyze the point at which you "lost power" or however you want to state it, and switched from A->B. It does sound like internally you were balanced initially.

 

now that time has passed, i have the insight to see that we both rushed into things, that would have been too huge of a commitment, i would be willing to take it slow, but then again, he doesnt want anything serious with anybody because of his dating past and emotional issues. or so he says.

 

Doing more A and less B is what "taking things slow" actually means/is.

 

 

i guess instinctively i know that he at least cared about me, and even the way he handled things that night said that (he explained he had thought it might be great to come visit and be with me, or it could be not great because we only just met) and that we fell asleep in each others arms.

 

This sounds very backwards rationilizing-type stuff. He slept with me therefore he at least cared about me. Just because B happened doens't mean A occurred. Just pointing out the flawed reasoning, I have no idea if he cared about you or not.

 

 

did him saying he wanted to see me supposed to make it clear hes still interested in some way, even thoughh he cant offer a relationship? and that if i werent mad at him, i would text him?

 

It means he wants to see you. You are the one who has to set your relationship expectations. If you expect him to wine and dine you a bit, and he doesn't, then your expectations are not met. If he continues to not meet these expectations you will date other guys who do meet them. You will not waste your time on someone who is only in it for themselves. The MINDSET is what you need here. If he is looking for just sex, he can go elsewhere. You aren't looking for that. I only say this because of what you said earlier. At any rate, you set the boundary. Now you know about what girls and guys want. Define to yourself how much of A you need, and make sure you get that. At some point this may include being exclusive.

 

You can of course see now why having that limiting belief of "I am not worth a relationship" had caused the A and B to be out of balance. You had felt you didn't DESERVE any A at all. Therefore, you would demand none of A from him and you would have NO relationship expectations.

 

now, just for arguments sake- say i want to approach this as if it were scenario B and i wanted to be fwb with him. should i then contact him, ask him whats up and say i want to hang out? or is that stiill desperate?

 

This question has no answer. You define internally what your balance of A and B is to you. He defines internally what his balance of A and B is. Your theoretically ideal overall balance will lean more to A than to B (because your a woman), and his will lean more towards B than it will to A (because he's a guy).

 

If you attempted, and I strongly say attempted, to start off from B then go to A you would fail even worse. You would be adjusting to giving too much B at some point in the relationship, by giving only B. Or, since you go too much with B, your adjustment would be to give more B. Doesn't work.

 

If you fully understood everything/the whole scenario/etc. then you could BALANCE how much of A and B were given and taken at any moment in time. However, since you cannot balance even your own requirements of both, you have NO HOPE of purposely having an offset balance knowing you can easily readjust it. If you fully understood everything to do with giving and taking A and B, then you could live in an unbalanced world KNOWING you can rebalance at will. The difference between these two abilities is the difference between a beginner level understanding and a master level understanding. It's like you just went to math class and I showed you how to do a derivative. Does this mean you can now do the most complex derivative problems? Absolutely not, you have to practice.

 

 

my question is how do i do damage control with this guy- is it a lost cause? would he even respond if i contacted him? has he not contacted me because he lost interest because i revealed insecurity? or because he feels guilty? or he thinks its too much effort?

 

should i just wait until i see him?

 

Damage control does not exist. It is an idea. The problem is simple. Right now he has all the power, and you are living in a B world while needing more of an A one. You would spend time with him (he said he wants to see you, easily done) but you would make it clear you wanted to spend more time together before more physical stuff would happen. You would set the boundary and expect him to meet it.

 

You should be using this as practice for rebalancing A and B. You should not be fixing things with the mindset of "he is the one" or "he is super special and I cannot do any better" or "he is too good for me" because these mindsets will lead you to be unbalanced. Or "I am so in love I cannot stop myself". All bad. You need to work on demanding relationship things from him.

[dispatch3d]

fwiw, and as a word of caution, from a guys perspective if he does too much A - he's screwed. My answer would be to not bother if you were a guy giving too much A. Date 10 other women and come back to this one is the common response.

 

I'm not a girl and don't work from your standpoint so I do not know if the advice should or shouldn't be the same for you.

[dispatch3d]

one last thought, I swear. This is a common mistake people make when setting boundaries.

 

Your boundary must be consistent 100% of the time. It must be ALWAYS consistent. There is no deviation. You never give in. Forget it. It's more likely that pigs will fly than you will change a boundary that has been set and defined by you.

 

This means if you set a boundary that it is unacceptable to leave anything on the kitchen table, then that boundary is never moving. This means if your roomate walks downstairs, puts 3 quarters on the kitchen table for NO REASON then leaves and does not pick them up for a day, then you chew him out. Doesn't matter that this "shouldn't be a big deal". It is. You set a boundary. If the boundary involved leaving 3 quarters on the table THEN you would have nothing to fight about. Since he ****ed with your boundary, he's going to hear about it.

 

If you let 3 quarters slide, what happens if he lives a bundle of change? Afterall you were okay with 3 quarters. What if he leaves a slice of bread? How about a loaf of bread? Set the boundary. If he wants the boundary to be a slice of bread then thats it, a slice o fbread no other items of food no loafs of bread he can **** off if he wants to leave more.

 

I say this because people will always test a boundary that you set. When you set one do so with the expectation that they will **** with it. Then try to be as non-confrontational and matter-of-factly about informing them they need to respect the boundary/your needs.