Choosing between two amazing men

[MontanaGirl]

Last winter I fell in love with Javier--I posted a thread with more details in January I think. Basically, he kept his recent breakup with a long term, long distance girlfriend secret for almost a year. She cheated on him with one of our coworkers, and he didn’t want to face the inevitable gossip. Because everyone thought he was still with his ex, we dated secretly. Not even my best friend in the program knew about us. I hated the secrecy and not feeling like his priority, so I ended it.

 

Two weeks later, Javier had a family emergency and had to move back to Europe for several months. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to come back. While he was gone we chatted online almost every day. He said he loved me, and that he hated being stuck in Europe because he knew he was going to lose me. I told him that even if I met someone else, I wanted him to fight to get me back, because I couldn’t imagine feeling so strongly about someone as I did about him.

 

A couple months ago, while Javier was gone, I went to a conference in another city. My best friend lived there previously (the one who thought I was single this whole time) and got one of her former roommates to show me around. This guy and I immediately clicked. Our lives, our values, our visions for the future—everything fit beautifully. We started a long distance relationship and agreed he would move next spring to my city.

 

I told Javier I’d met someone else. He was crushed. He had decided without telling me that he was done hiding and he would do anything to prove it to me. He had bought a return ticket three days earlier so he could surprise me on my birthday. He’d told everyone in Europe he was single and in love with me, and he couldn’t wait to tell everyone here. At first I completely refused any advances by him, and we fought about it quite a bit. But eventually he convinced me that we could at least be friends. I was sure I could prove to him that what we had together was dead. I’m a freaking idiot.

 

You can see where this is going. My boyfriend knew that Javier was chasing me, but still thinks he was trying win me for the first time, not win me back. I didn’t tell him about Javier in the beginning because our mutual friend had told him I had been single—and I wasn’t brave enough to admit I had lied to her.

 

Javier has a strong personality. He drives me crazy, for both good and bad. I can tell him any problem, and he boils it down into something simple without an ounce of condescension. I laugh constantly with him. Sex was fantastic— there is chemistry between us that is like fireworks.

 

My boyfriend is happy, loyal, and sweet. He’s a little shy (like me) but everyone who knows him loves him. He is always busy, travels a lot for work, and is not quite as mature as Javier. Sex isn’t nearly as natural and passionate, but it’s not bad either. My friends and family all absolutely adore him.

 

Both men are generous, considerate, very intelligent, caring. Both love me and want a life with me.

 

What do I do? I’m terrified that if I don’t chose I’ll lose both of them. I worry that letting either one go could be the worst decision of my life. Please please give me some advice. I can see myself spending my life with either of these two guys.

[Cracker Jack]

I think you probably should either choose Javier or neither. Why? Because it's clear that your boyfriend is most likely in a position where he has to win you over again just to keep you. I mean, look at how you're comparing him to Javier. That's ashame for him.

 

So yeah, that's my take.

[Darren Steez]

It looks like it doesn't matter anyway Javier won't take no for an answer and soon you'll be headed for that "fantastic sex" stop playing around, its nice to be in a position where two men are competing for your affections but somebody is going to get hurt soon if you don't make a decision now before things get too far. You call your boyfriend a boyfriend but you're still choosing? hmm says alot

[TaraMaiden]

I propose you engineer it to have both.

 

Hey, when it comes to love and relationships, you know, anything's possible....The only limits are those you impose upon yourself.....

[Philetus]

You have to listen to your heart. Visualize yourself with one and then the other and listen to how your heart feels about both scenarios. Deep down, it probably knows.

 

When you finally choose, throw yourself into that decision and don't dwell on 'what could have been'. You'll drive yourself mad.

 

I've been where you are and yes, I felt the same way, make a decision or risk losing them both.

[TaraMaiden]

...or talk to them both, make a decision and end up keeping them both.

 

This is a brand new, barely explored but highly feasible angle.

Monogamy is slowly becoming a thing of the past.

 

And why shouldn't it?

[WintersNightTraveler]

Because everyone thought he was still with his ex, we dated secretly. Not even my best friend in the program knew about us. I hated the secrecy and not feeling like his priority, so I ended it.

 

This line really tells you all you need to know. It is the most revealing line in the whole post.

 

Take door number 3, because both of these situations are probably beyond repair. I feel bad for your BF. Good luck.

[Zapbasket]

You're going to have to end it with both of them. It's the only right thing to do, and the only way to save yourself long-term heartache...even though you will have to endure some short-term heartache if you take this route.

 

It's not fair to choose one and always have this lingering doubt in the back of your mind, this "what if...". I don't see how you wouldn't have that feeling, no matter which man you chose. Also, when someone is the right person, you don't WANT someone else equally. The kind of love that makes for a good long-term relationship crowds out having the same love for someone else simultaneously. There can be an attraction for someone else, but not deep love.

 

You need to walk away and clear your head. You will in all likelihood lose both men, but it's a loss that will happen sooner or later anyway, given the current situation.

 

Let them go, and be honest with them both about why.

 

Good luck.

[Imajerk17]

You don't even have the stones to tell your friend you're already in a relationship whenever she tries to set you up with someone? Seems like you really like drama.

 

I don't know what to tell you--either way you choose, you'll end up lamenting the one who got away.

[carhill]

So, break up with current BF (assuming he prefers monogamous relationships), call Javier and tell him you'll be visiting him for a week, say a week from now. I'm sure he'll be thrilled. It's always great to see a friend one gets on with so well, has great sex with, and who shares an elemental connection. One night's sleep on a plane and you'll be together. It's really as simple as that.

[Imajerk17]

Seriously, I would expect a serious girlfriend to be strong enough to do her part to cherish our relationship on her end. You didn't do that, and it's not clear you are strong enough to do that for either guy.

[meerkat stew]

You post that you broke things off with J, he moved two weeks later, then your GF fixed you up with BF under the pretense that you were single. Were you or were you not single when you started dating BF? This is unclear.

 

You do not mention the status of your relationship with your BF. Since you have made plans to move closer, the presumption would be that you are exclusive. Are you in fact exclusive with your BF or not? If you are exclusive, any contact at all with J is at least disrespectful, and at most cheating.

 

Not going to call you a "drama queen" per se, but you should consider ceasing to evaluate your relationships as men "winning you," or "fighting for you." You are not a damsel in distress in a tower somewhere, but rather a presumably mature career woman. If it is men introducing these kinds of terms and concepts into the relationship, consider correcting them.

 

The tone of your OP suggests that you are enjoying this situation and not particularly distressed, certainly have very little concern for the feelings of the men in question. Nothing in your OP expresses concern for their feelings, you instead focus wholly on what each of them does for you and your concerns that you will lose both. Perhaps do some thinking and reflecting on your level of empathy for these two men.

 

You did your BF a tremendous disservice in not telling him from the very start that you had just left a relationship. This bodes poorly for your future with him.

 

Finally, I disagree strongly with TaraMaiden's advice. Based on what you type, neither of these men are of a disposition to have a non monogamous relationship with you, and you will lose both if you attempt to set something like that up, especially in light of your initial dishonesty with your BF about J.

 

Before you even approach the point of spending your life with either of these guys, IMO you need to get your own house in order, as some of the above leads to disturbing conclusions about how you view and handle relationships.