unconventional relationship

[vodkafan]

Hi, new here, (male, married 20 years, six children) definitely not a troll just been in a painful place and looking for information and advice. I may reveal more about myself later on when I get to trust people a bit, At the moment I am sick of thinking through my situation so don't want to go into it all. Looked but didn't see any topic that relates to my marriage situation.

 

Basically my wife is in love with me and another man. She has NOT had an affair with this man, apart from text messages. But it has torn her apart for three months. It has ALMOST but not quite wrecked us and our family. I accept that she does love this man, he is not a bad person and he is divorced.

In a last ditch effort to save our marriage we have agreed between the three of us a contract where she stays with me for 4 days a week and him for the other 3 days, when I work away anyway. There is no change in our marriage, we still have loving sex , she never refuses me. We all understand our marriage is the priority. There are rules we have worked out and put in place.

We have only just started this arrangement and I wonder if anybody has experience of this , can it work?

It has given us hope where last week there seemed none.

[datura_noir]

I think you might ask jennie-jennie on the OW forum her advice. She is in a replica of your situatin-her MM has six kids and is split between her and his wife.

[BellaBellaBella]

it's called polyamory. There are forums for this.

[Feelin Frisky]

You might be able to try it for a while and see if it's a livable situation. But I'd be insecure about becoming number two. I'd also don't think the kids should know and I don't know how she doesn't look like a betrayer if they do see that this is going on. I can't say anything for sure because I don't know you, your wife, the long-dicker or your kids but if I had to commit to some judgment having a gun pointed at my head, I'd say it's a risk I wouldn't take. It could be an ego damager especially because it's not like an open marriage where you get to swing with his wife. You're carrying the load and unless you get something out of the deal I don't think it's right to have your kids thinking ti OK to f*ck someone else while daddy works.

[vodkafan]

It's not just a sex thing, I am not number 2, I laid down all the rules. It's also not an affair. Ah well might have guessed nobody would understand. I was hoping for some more intelligent responses.

[BellaBellaBella]

I do think I gave you an intelligent response. The situation your in is called polyamoury. Check out polyamoryonline.org. The idea that you can love more then one person. Its actually a new trend.

[crazycatlady]

Actually its not a new tread just one that is coming to light more and more people open up online.

 

Vodka - I'm not sure what you are looking for other then reassurances. And none of us can give you those. The fact that you are needing reassurances is a little worrying. It shows me your wife is not showing you the love and devotion she needs to show you during this time.

 

Bellabella gave a good website and I found this one http://www.xeromag.com/franklin.html to have good information as well.

 

But...there can't be resentment on your side of things. Because resentment breeds more resentment which brings anger and insecurity etc etc. It might be hard but if you decide to go this route, you have to take face value for face value and trust her at her word. But she needs to make sure you are feeling secure and loved.

 

This is not easy. I've seen successful sharings. But its not easy. And only you can decide if its worth it.

 

CCL

[vodkafan]

OP, let me say it another way:

 

Did you INSIST that this other guy your wife is having sex with, had a full panoply of STD tests before you commenced this "arrangement"?

 

Have you been tested for all STDs yet?

 

Has your spouse?

 

If not, stop pretending you have any control over this situation which was obviously forced down your throat by your wife and her lover.

 

True voluntary polyamory implies that you are making rational decisions not being forced into it.

 

It is completely IRRATIONAL for you to expose yourself to unknown STDs from the complete stranger your wife is boffing.

 

AT A MINIMUM YOU MUST INSIST THAT ALL PARTIES TAKE AND EXCHANGE STD TESTS AND THEN PERIODICALLY RE-TEST.

 

Goodness me no we are English I couldn't possibly bring up that subject.

Actually VV, thanks for your concern, that side of things has been dealt with.

[BellaBellaBella]

Did you read anything about polyamory? CCL posted a great link for you.

 

In polyamory they suggest you pace the relationships based on the progress of the slowest person.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I think if you had sincere responses at least 19 out of 20 people would say that it'll never work in the long run...

 

But that doesn't necessarily mean that it couldn't work. What might not work for the majority of couple might work just fine for you and your wife. All types of unusual arrangements work.

 

As I see it, what makes you both together as a couple and each of you as an individual most satisfied? All the while keeping honest, true and genuine to one another? Total openness is an even higher priority than personal and/or marital satisfaction in a situation like yours. And beyond that the kids need to understand what is going on too...

 

My personal opinion, you are going way too far to satisfy your wife. Would she be accepting if you fell in love with someone else and lived with that person part time also? What is the point of continuing the relationship at that point? I firmly believe that in the long run you will likely regret it.

 

At the same time, I respect the fact that you and you wife need to do what works for the two of you, as nonconventional and seemly impossible it may seem to the rest of us...

[kuma]

My personal opinion' date=' you are going way too far to satisfy your wife. Would she be accepting if you fell in love with someone else and lived with that person part time also? What is the point of continuing the relationship at that point? I firmly believe that in the long run you will likely regret it.[/quote']

 

That's my opinion, too. OP, did you go to MC?

[vodkafan]

Thanks all for your responses.

 

Yes we have both looked up the links about Polyamory Some of it is useful but most of it seems aimed at people who are putting it round a lot with multiple partners. What we have is more akin to Polyandry, we have discovered.

We did not go to MC, (back when things were bad) it is not free here and the cost would have put additional financial strain into our relationship.

Things so far are going well. I have found, if you are having quality time together, then 4 days per week is more than enough. We have broken through years of bad habits and talked freely and honestly.

I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused me, which she had guilt about.

Our sex life is great again.

We have trust.

We are all sticking to the rules.

We have a cover story for the kids, that their mother is staying weekends with a female friend. This is all too new and we don't want to get them too confused at this point.

[xxoo]

We have a cover story for the kids, that their mother is staying weekends with a female friend. This is all too new and we don't want to get them too confused at this point.

 

Are these the same days that you are away? Who is staying with the children?

 

I don't mean to ask for details, and you don't have to share them...but my real question is, "How does it make sense to the children if mommy goes and stays with a friend whenever daddy is away?" It just seems odd

[crazycatlady]

The site I provided has links in it to talk about couples where one is poly and the other is mono. Given your situation that would fit the bill completely. It talks about how to handle that, how she can help you feel more comfortable, what you should expect, and even what your third should expect.

 

There are so many things to look into before taking it too much further. Your emotional needs right now need to be her priority because you do still seem to be shaky about this or youw ouldn't want to be getting reassurances.

[vodkafan]

Are these the same days that you are away? Who is staying with the children?

 

I don't mean to ask for details, and you don't have to share them...but my real question is, "How does it make sense to the children if mommy goes and stays with a friend whenever daddy is away?" It just seems odd

 

I should explain when I say I work away I meant I work nights, I am back during the day when they wake up. Their gran comes to stay with them during the night, which they enjoy.

But you are right, there is an issue there over what to tell the children. But the situation now is more stable than before, and the children seem to be adjusting to mummy not being there a few nights a week. We are playing it by ear, my wife loves her kids. Far worse I think to be around kids 100% of the time but to be unhappy most of that time? She comes back refreshed and recharged.

[vodkafan]

The site I provided has links in it to talk about couples where one is poly and the other is mono. Given your situation that would fit the bill completely. It talks about how to handle that, how she can help you feel more comfortable, what you should expect, and even what your third should expect.

 

There are so many things to look into before taking it too much further. Your emotional needs right now need to be her priority because you do still seem to be shaky about this or youw ouldn't want to be getting reassurances.

 

We feel like we have a good foundation . Tonight was the last evening of our 4 days together, we went to a local lake; walked and talked around it and watched the sun go down together. Emotionally I feel just fine, no shakyness here. Only small worry I have is that the other guy is gonna be insecure and become a loose cannon. I think he will be OK as time goes on.

[2sunny]

so if she is allowed this guideline while you work - does she allow you to see an OW of your choosing - if you so desire?

[vodkafan]

The site I provided has links in it to talk about couples where one is poly and the other is mono. Given your situation that would fit the bill completely. It talks about how to handle that, how she can help you feel more comfortable, what you should expect, and even what your third should expect.

 

There are so many things to look into before taking it too much further. Your emotional needs right now need to be her priority because you do still seem to be shaky about this or youw ouldn't want to be getting reassurances.

 

Sorry crazycatlady, I realised I didn't really address your points. The way you describe it above-me being being "mono" makes it sound like I am missing out somehow. I am not, I have everything I need I don't want another woman to even it up.

I kind of do not agree about looking into it too much. You can't sew everything up.

[crazycatlady]

Sorry crazycatlady, I realised I didn't really address your points. The way you describe it above-me being being "mono" makes it sound like I am missing out somehow. I am not, I have everything I need I don't want another woman to even it up.

I kind of do not agree about looking into it too much. You can't sew everything up.

 

Vodka - I'm in a poly relationship and I'm the mono in it. I'm not missing out in the least being the mono party to this relationship. Its not about missing. Its about making sure your needs (both physical and emotional) are met. And its making sure her needs are met. Its making sure that the third's needs are also met. Again the site I gave discusses all of this.

 

It talks about the different types of relationships there are. Such a poly/mono as a primary paring and the poly other as a secondary paring, but also the secondary has rights too which is also discussed since you expressed concern about him in the previous post to me. It takes about what he as a secondary to your primary should have the right to request.

 

Its really got some good stuff. I recommended it because it really helped ME as a mono understand my poly husband. I don't understand the poly thought process. I was able to understand open easily enough, but poly was more of a reach. But I get it and him far better now.

 

So good luck in your process. And as long as you are open and loving with each other your kids are going to be fine. Its when there is hiding and sneakiness I think children suffer.

 

CCL

[vodkafan]

Its really got some good stuff. I recommended it because it really helped ME as a mono understand my poly husband. I don't understand the poly thought process. I was able to understand open easily enough, but poly was more of a reach. But I get it and him far better now.

 

So good luck in your process. And as long as you are open and loving with each other your kids are going to be fine. Its when there is hiding and sneakiness I think children suffer.

 

CCL

 

Thanks CCL, I did look at the Franklin site and found it of value. I will probably go there again from time to time. The other guy does understand that he is secondary. But part of the thing is that I don't ram that down his throat, I respect him his space. For instance, on his first 3 days with my wife, I had a minor medical emergency with one of the children. I could easily have called my wife and she would have come home right away. But I took time off work instead and handled it all myself.

Can I ask you how long your relationship has been going on? And has it changed over time ?

[vodkafan]

so if she is allowed this guideline while you work - does she allow you to see an OW of your choosing - if you so desire?

 

Hi 2sunny,

I honestly couldn't fit another woman in . We have loving sex every night she is home, we play squash together , we pack as much as we can into our 4 days.

[crazycatlady]

Thanks CCL, I did look at the Franklin site and found it of value. I will probably go there again from time to time. The other guy does understand that he is secondary. But part of the thing is that I don't ram that down his throat, I respect him his space. For instance, on his first 3 days with my wife, I had a minor medical emergency with one of the children. I could easily have called my wife and she would have come home right away. But I took time off work instead and handled it all myself.

Can I ask you how long your relationship has been going on? And has it changed over time ?

 

Oh to ram it down his throat would not be right. I meant that Franklin's page also talks about a secondary's rights too since it was something you were worried about. Like how while he might be secondary his needs and emotions are just as important as everyone elses and he has a responsible expectation for them to be met.

 

As for my own relationship, we are celebrating 13 years next month. We were closed for the first 8 years and then we opened things up. Neither of us really understood what it was my H really wanted until a couple of years ago when he fell in love with someone else too (still loves me as much as before) but due to who that person was he didn't tell me he had fallen in love.

 

Though we were in an open relationship he did eventually cheat on me with that person because it was the only person whom he couldn't tell me about. I found out about it, but during my process of dealing with who it was - I didn't confront him immediately - I stumbled here and talked with a woman who was in a poly relationship. It really helped me understand my H a lot better. And he and I talked based on what I had read, but not about what I knew. Long story short, he eventually confessed he had feelings for and slept with my sister (he's a smart guy just can be real stupid at times). Because he couldn't do it on his own having tried, he told me he wasn't going to give her up, not to ask him. I said ok I cant promise to stay then. However her reaction to my finding out pretty much convinced me what I thought it the first place that it was less to do with him and more to do with her and somewhat with me and she is no longer part of things. Thankfully because I don't think I could handle her being a part of things.

 

Anyway, He wants a third, idealy he wants a third that can be a part of us as well. So someone bi-sexual that I also enjoy spending time with too. But just someone I can enjoy being around is good too. Me? I just want him happy. I enjoy the women he has met as friends, a few as lovers, he has (normally) excellent taste in women. I'm easy going, as long as my needs are met - and I have a very strong sex drive, and can be somewhat needy emotionally now and then - I'm eager for his needs to be met.

 

I have permission to do the same....Emotionally I have no interest in another man. Sexually, I am so picky I don't bother often.

 

Open was easy for me.....poly took reading a lot, and he had to do a great deal of work reassuring me. Especially since he screwed up with the cheating. But since we had already worked through some really rough things in our marriage years before, working through that wasn't as hard. And also...it wasn't what he did but who and you can't always control who.

 

CCL

[vodkafan]

Hi CCL,

 

your story is very different to mine. Indeed, cheating on you with your sister constitutes a major blunder on your husbands part , one which most marriages would not survive. I suspect there was a lot of hurt there, you are a very big hearted person to forgive.

 

In our case, we don't feel "open", we are still very much closed. My wife didn't go looking for a third party, in 20 years she was never interested in another man. This other person came out of the blue, there is an emotional attachment between them, but I feel it is a measure of my wife's qualities that there was no physical affair in the whole three months before I found out.

Neither of us want an open marriage where we are allowed to just go find sex with anybody.

She is simply in love with two men.

[TaraMaiden]

Vodkafan, thank you for coming in to post your situation.

 

First of all, please understand that if not everybody is completely familiar with a situation (and as you yourself understandably stated, you were not keen to be too revealing or open from first shot) then people will answer your queries based on their perceptions.

if I may say so, this comment -

Ah well might have guessed nobody would understand. I was hoping for some more intelligent responses.

 

Was a little patronising.

 

we really are only trying to help, and I'm sorry you felt the responses 'unintelligent'.

 

If you check out other threads, by comparison, I think everybody has been as receptive and constructive as they could be here. Some other people have been verbally flailed alive for less!

 

Two things I'd like to mention.

Polyandry (as you rightly 'label' it) is very common in Tibetan culture, and works well there. Mostly, a woman will take tow partners who are usually related. Either brothers, or cousins, but more often than not, the former.

This gives the male side of the family a guarantee of blood heirs to continue the line, and thus whatever business happens to be the one.

Emotionally and morally therefore, they are completely accustomed to such a liaison, and it's considered the norm, with no stigma or subterfuge.

Obviously, this has proved extremely trying for you, and a direct challenge in conflict with your moral principles.

I believe you have handled the situation in a highly unusual, yet nevertheless mature and even-handed way.

 

The second thing I would like to mention (and I hasten to add that this is my opinion, albeit based on evidentiary facts) is that as a base-line, we as humans, are mammals.

Right at the top of the food chain, and of primary intellect.

But mammals, nevertheless.

And you will be hard put to find any huge classification of mammals that are naturally faithful to one partner, or monogamous.

 

Desire, is natural.

Fidelity is a choice.

We are programmed to be promiscuous.

we are conditioned to be faithful.

The fact is, your wife can offwr no logical rhyme or reason for being so attracted to this other man, that this situation has arisen and become workable for you.

She loves him.

She loves you.

She desires you both.

 

The only thing preventing you from transforming this situation from a polyandric one, to a polyamorous one - is the level of your own morals, principles ethics and (possibly...? I dunno) religious convictions.

You would be well "within your rights2 to exercise the desire to also seek an alternative mate.

but you have made a conscious, deliberate and definite decision that this is not something you are prepared to consider.

This is not a comparison between your moral standing and that of your wife.

I'm merely pointing out that this - putting all Human cognitive, logical, moral and social reasoning aside - is something far more natural, in her behaviour, than yours.

 

IMHO, also, there is maturity in eventually trying to clarify things to your children also.

You would know best when that time is.

But your maturity in this will show them that relationships - of any kind - are possible, workable and affectionate, if pursued with a healthy mind-set.

 

I truly hope this situation maintains an even keel, and that this other gentleman does not - as you seem to suspect or fear - become the loose cannon.

 

Good luck with everything.

[crazycatlady]

Vodka - hurt yes very much so. But the hurt is temporary and I knew that. I knew with talk and openness we could get through it. Since sexual fidelity wasn't as big to me as the emotional that was harder to deal with, but reading and learning about poly helped with that. Plus when he finally told me about it (I let it come from him) he accepted full responsibility. Didn't blame me, didn't blame my sister, just said it was all him. He has been very patient and has worked very hard to make it up to me. And has really done a great job with it.

 

He didn't go looking for her....the emotions happened a little unexpectedly, he has a bit of a savor complex and I do think she targeted him. While he has been willing to face me, deal with me and do anything to help me get over it, she has run and hidden since it came out. Done things to try and keep it from coming up, anything to deflect from her actions. Which makes me all the more suspicious why she did what she did.

 

Him I know...he's got little will power and is selfish. But I knew that before I married him. He won't lie to me again. I'm not sure if he had come to me way when it happened I would have been able to understand....sometimes things happen the way they happen for a reason.

 

CCL