Tres Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I had the second date with a guy, 37. I thought that he was attractive. He presented himself as a mature and reasonable man on the first date. I told him that I did not want to have dinner at his place because I did not know him well enough. He told me that he was fine with that. So, he invited me to eat out next to his place. Also, I told him that I did not kiss and did not do anything sexual on the second date. When I came to his place, he invited me in his apartment and told me that he wanted to watch TV for a while because he was not hungry. While we were watching TV and talking, he asked me to rub his back, arms, neck and head. I agreed to do that and doing the massage was kind of pleasant to me. Then, he wanted to lie on the couch next to me and continue watching TV. After doing all the activities he got very horny and tried to kiss me and touch/look at my breasts. I disagreed on that. He got kind of aggressive and he placed himself on the top of me. Then, he started rubbing his d...k against my body. We both had our clothes on. It looked like he lost some control and wanted to ejaculate in his pants. I asked him to stop. Fortunately, he did so. Then, we went to eat out. Why would a guy want to make himself so horny and behave like that? How does a man feel about himself after such experience? How does a man feel about the woman after such experience? Would he contact me again after such experience? What does such behavior mean about the guy? I wonder what his expectations might be for the third date?
2sunny Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 well what it means is that he doesn't respect your boundary or take you for your word. he totally disrespected you - and you allowed things to happen that you said you wouldn't - so now he doesn't believe you. the third date? why would you? he's a total dick. what do you expect next - he will continue pushing your boundary... if you date him.
lso802 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 why would you want to go on a 3rd date with him after that?
Sabali Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 It sounded like he tried to seduce but just wasn't very good at it. I am not sure what part you may or may not have played in it because you got very vague during the part about you massaging him. In any event, you are talking about a 3rd date so it sound like it turned you on and got you interested somehow. It all sounds a little strange to me but, hey, there are people out there peeing on each other so I guess it could be stranger.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 You told him you didn't want to go to his place but you went with him anyways. Basically you gave mixed signals implying that with a little pursuasion, he could've probably gotten you to sleep with him. If you're not a touchy feely person, you should have just said no to the massage and anything that implied having to do with the physical. But instead, he broke down your barriers with a little on his part. Even worse, when you disagreed with him you weren't adamant with him about your discontent at his behaviour. Do you now see why he behaved the way he did? Add to the fact that he sounds like a jerk all the same for even trying says a third date isn't warranted.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 You're concerned about being contacted again by a man who basically forced himself on you sexually? I would never see him again.
NYCGirly Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Hmmmm maybe I'm missing something but I don't see how he forced anything or crossed any lines. OP you were a willing participant in the sexual fondling. I think you just got weirded out that he got too excited after which you told him to stop. Why did he act like that? Simple. He's a man and has a penis and you have a vagina and he thought (based on the foreplay you willingly engaged in) that he'd be able to merge the two. If you don't want this to happen in the future, don't even let things progress as far as they did. If he contacts you again, let him know you're not interested (if you're not) but don't leave him hanging- I don't see what he did as a travesty nor is it that weird (guys get excited, big deal). He might be bummed out things didn't go as far as he'd like, but again, he's a guy and I'm sure he's used to it and will continue with you as if nothing wrong happened. If you want to see him again and don't want that to happen again, set boundaries BEFORE things get hot and heavy.
MrNate Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I had the second date with a guy, 37. I thought that he was attractive. He presented himself as a mature and reasonable man on the first date. I told him that I did not want to have dinner at his place because I did not know him well enough. He told me that he was fine with that. So, he invited me to eat out next to his place. Also, I told him that I did not kiss and did not do anything sexual on the second date. When I came to his place, he invited me in his apartment and told me that he wanted to watch TV for a while because he was not hungry. While we were watching TV and talking, he asked me to rub his back, arms, neck and head. I agreed to do that and doing the massage was kind of pleasant to me. Then, he wanted to lie on the couch next to me and continue watching TV. After doing all the activities he got very horny and tried to kiss me and touch/look at my breasts. I disagreed on that. He got kind of aggressive and he placed himself on the top of me. Then, he started rubbing his d...k against my body. We both had our clothes on. It looked like he lost some control and wanted to ejaculate in his pants. I asked him to stop. Fortunately, he did so. Then, we went to eat out. Why would a guy want to make himself so horny and behave like that? How does a man feel about himself after such experience? How does a man feel about the woman after such experience? Would he contact me again after such experience? What does such behavior mean about the guy? I wonder what his expectations might be for the third date? A man's behavior is enigmatic! Predicting it, is like predicting the weather.
Author Tres Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 . he totally disrespected you - and you allowed things to happen that you said you wouldn't - so now he doesn't believe you. No, I did not kiss him or do anything sexual. I did the massage of his back which was not sexual at all. We were lying on the couch watching TV but it was not sexual as well.
Mad Max Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Deep down, OP wasn't turned off by this man at all. Went back to his play anyway and gave him a massage. You say you don't do anything sexual on the second date. But, you did anyway. This is why you go by a woman's actions, not her words. The OP's words said I don't do this, but her actions said she was ready for sex.
Mad Max Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 No, I did not kiss him or do anything sexual. I did the massage of his back which was not sexual at all. We were lying on the couch watching TV but it was not sexual as well. A massage is sexual and most certainly was sexual in your situation. He went by your actions, not your words. This is what men are taught.
sweetjasmine Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 He went by your actions, not your words. This is what men are taught. "When she says no, she really means yes."
MisUnderstanding Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I have to agree with previous posters, massaging opened a door for him to advance further. Touching is a huge clue to men about women's intentions.
meerkat stew Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 OP expressly made her boundaries clear and he ignored them completely. She said she wasn't comfortable eating at his place, yet he set things up to ignore her wishes. She said no sex or kissing, he ignored that. He then forced himself on her and dry humped her, not really the most classy behavior for adults, and with more detail, maybe even sexual assault. But other posters are right in that she gives herself away by wondering about a third date, so she may have enjoyed herself. Nothing wrong with that if she ended up enjoying parts of what went on. The real deal-killer to me would be the ignoring wishes and boundaries, and what that says about this guy as a potential BF. Besides the sex issue, this guy is likely to turn out to be very selfish and manipulative in other ways. People claim to want someone who knows what they want, but getting steamrolled gets real old real fast. In your shoes, wouldn't see him again.
MrNate Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Yeah...that kind of touching that early...bad idea.
kalikula Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. I can see how you would agree to give him a seemingly innocent massage but in the future don't. Clearly you didn't want anything sexual as you refused to kiss him.
dispatch3d Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 OP expressly made her boundaries clear and he ignored them completely. She said she wasn't comfortable eating at his place, yet he set things up to ignore her wishes. She said no sex or kissing, he ignored that. He then forced himself on her and dry humped her, not really the most classy behavior for adults, and with more detail, maybe even sexual assault. But other posters are right in that she gives herself away by wondering about a third date, so she may have enjoyed herself. Nothing wrong with that if she ended up enjoying parts of what went on. The real deal-killer to me would be the ignoring wishes and boundaries, and what that says about this guy as a potential BF. Besides the sex issue, this guy is likely to turn out to be very selfish and manipulative in other ways. People claim to want someone who knows what they want, but getting steamrolled gets real old real fast. In your shoes, wouldn't see him again. rules are made to be broken. You sound really not fun to date. Sounds like you have sex hang ups or something with all these rules. Don't you like kissing etc.?
phineas Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 He rubbed is wang on her & nearly creamed his shorts & then she went to dinner with him. How the hell can she sit accrossed from him & eat if she was that disturbed by his actions? Yeah, she likey.
O'Malley Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) I After doing all the activities he got very horny and tried to kiss me and touch/look at my breasts. I disagreed on that. He got kind of aggressive and he placed himself on the top of me. A normal minded man would have been disappointed by your request to not take things farther, but would have stopped until you made it clear you wanted him to continue. The combination of over riding boundaries and aggression should be viewed with caution. I absolutely agree with Meerkat Stew. I wonder what his expectations might be for the third date? Expect more of the pushing of boundaries if you do decide to go out with him. A very bad idea, in my opinion. Edited August 26, 2010 by O'Malley
Philetus Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Why would a guy want to make himself so horny and behave like that? How does a man feel about himself after such experience? How does a man feel about the woman after such experience? Would he contact me again after such experience? What does such behavior mean about the guy? I wonder what his expectations might be for the third date? I think he acted boorishly and he should have 'checked in' with you to see if what he was doing was okay. However, you came into his apartment, you massaged him, you laid down on a couch with him. You sent signals that you were fine with things progressing. 1 - he wants to have sex with you so he kept checking the limits of your boundaries and you said 'yes' to everything he presented. 2 - if he's a good guy, he likely feels badly or confused. Your actions didn't match your words. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard a woman say to me, "we are not having sex tonight" only to wind up having sex. 3 - if he's a good guy he likely won't feel any less of you. I wouldn't. Hopefully, he sees that he acted poorly. He should have communicated with you better. 4 - he may not contact you again. It depends on how he feels about you, if he has something else going on, etc. Too hard to tell but I think it's more likely he wouldn't. That's my reading of this guy who isn't a good communicator. 5 - I would say he knows what he's doing (knows how to get women into bed) but is clumsy at it. It MAY mean he's only looking for sex because he seems very goal oriented about it. Everything he did was leading you towards sex. So if you like this guy, I'd make him wait. No more going to his apartment until you're ready to have sex. Take control of the situation. 6 - I bet his expectation is to escalate what happened in date #2. Everything you've done up to this point (massage, lying on the couch, etc) is on the table and he'll try to take it further. I'm a fan of open communication and if he moved too fast for you in date #2, backpedal. Tell him, you want to take things slowly. If I were you, I wouldn't go back to his apartment unless you're ready to have some kind of sex with him. The only exception is if you're VERY clear about what your limits are and you stick to them with your body as well as your words.
Gallaxia Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I'm with Ms.Papercut. You initially said no but went up anyway, which turned it into "Maybe" with a chance of "Yes, if I try hard enough" for him. You look wishy-washy at best. He can only go by your signals...
alexlakeman Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I'm a guy, but I'll tell u he sounds like a d.ck! Omg, at dat age!? I guess dat's how some guys get charged with rape or something close to that, and he can't even blame it on liquor. I think the "let's go to my apt b4 dinner", "rub my back", and coincidently a restaurant next to his place are good signs he wanted to get laid.
Philetus Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 The devil is in the details as they say. So, I have a question. At the moment you were on the couch and he was dry humping you, what was going on? Were you screaming, 'no' and he did it anyway? Were you lying in stunned silence? Or what? If you were forcibly saying, 'no' and his actions continued even for a moment, that's a HUGE red flag. However... you continue out to dinner with him after that. Hopefully, you can see how your words/actions don't match and you send mixed signals. I'm not judging you here, I want you to see how your actions didn't match your words so you don't repeat this mistake. Accepting invitations into a man's apartment, accepting invitations to touch him (even in a platonic way), and lying on a couch together say one thing about your readiness to be intimate. If I was in this guy's shoes, I would've believed there was going to be sex of some sort. The difference between your boy and me is I would have continually asked you if you were okay with what was happening before doing it and would only go as far as you were comfortable.
meerkat stew Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 rules are made to be broken. You sound really not fun to date. Sounds like you have sex hang ups or something with all these rules. Don't you like kissing etc.? Don't know if you are talking to OP or to me. If to me, the above doesn't make much sense, if to OP, it doesn't make much sense either. There's a difference between "rules" and "boundaries." If someone states that they don't want any kissing or sex on the second date, that's not a rule, but a specific boundary that applies to relations with a particular person. Just because someone doesn't want to kiss or have sex on a second date doesn't mean they have hang ups.
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