dispatch3d Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 For the love of God, don't break up with him specifically saying "you're horrible in bed". This could backfire on you in so many ways. This could potentially shatter his ego to a point that he could turn malicious, vengeful, or at the very least, have zero confidence in any future exploits. If you don't want to give him any coaching, just amicably break it off. You don't have to site specifics. If you respect this guy one iota, you'll break it off with little explanation other than "I'm not interested in continuing to date and I have some other priorities at this time. You're a great guy, and you'll find a great girl, but that girl is not me". Good. Shatter his ego now before he continues to go on sucking in bed for another 30 ****ing years. The reason not to tell him like it is, is only because he might get pissed at you and then you'll have to deal with him being an ******* to you. You aren't doing any favours to him lying about the reason. Don't kid yourselves. The best advice in life is always the hardest to take.
LondonS Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I guess just say you are a great guy but I feel we are not compatible in ways I'd like us to be- its best if we see other people..Goodluck... I am sure he,ll figure it out.. no point hurting his ego to that extent because you are not gona see him again anyway so leave it at that...
tman666 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Good. Shatter his ego now before he continues to go on sucking in bed for another 30 ****ing years. The reason not to tell him like it is, is only because he might get pissed at you and then you'll have to deal with him being an ******* to you. You aren't doing any favours to him lying about the reason. Don't kid yourselves. The best advice in life is always the hardest to take. Just because he bungled his first couple of shots with the OP doesn't mean that he's going to be a dud for 30 years. A guy could be a complete stud for one girl, and a bumbling idiot for another. It takes two to tango, amigo. Also, him getting pissed at her isn't the issue. If she and the guy have any common social threads (unlikely after 5 dates, but hey, you never know) and he's been broken up with and told that the reason was because he sucked in bed, don't you think that could present some problems? People don't think rationally when their self images are under attack. Telling him something like this is going to put him in attack mode. The last thing he's going to do is think to himself "hey, maybe she has a point! I will do my best to bone up on my skills for the next one!" (pun intended) And realistically, how would he do that anyway? Maybe the girls before the OP loved being with this guy. Is he suddenly supposed to assume the the OP's sexual wants and needs are somehow going to cross over to all his future partners? It's such a subjective thing that the only way he'd realistically be able to "improve" is by working WITH the OP to improve his performance and sexual reciprocation with HER. She doesn't owe it to him to coach him or guide him. She does owe him basic respect of his dignity, as he would owe her if the roles were reversed. If he's already somehow transgressed onto her self worth and dignity, then this entire thread would be moot point.
Author TuesGirl Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Dear all, I have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings. Even though I agree with what dispatch3d is saying. I wouldn't/couldn't do it. That's why I am on here with this question. I plan to tell him that I am not interested and save as much dignity on everyone's part. I guess I am just worried (although I realize there is nothing I can do about it) that he will guess it's bc of what happened the other night and I was asking, specifically I suppose, how to finesse the situation so as to be the least hurtful but also without leading him on any. The guy is a nice person. I just know it's not going to work for us, in many ways. As far as communication in bed. Yes, there was plenty. I am not a shy person, and, yes, I am also respectful. I am not going to bark orders, but I suggested different, uh, ways to go about doing the things we were doing, saying that those 'ways' felt good, and I was poo poo'ed. I even got a whiny, "baaaaayby", like I was disrupting HIS deal. In my world, having sex with someone means that both people are pleased as much as possible. No, it's not always perfect, especially the first time around, but I'd sure as hell recognize an 'A' for effort. There wasn't any. Is the guy coachable? Sure. But at 33, I don't have the patience to coach a guy who clearly isn't interested in me enjoying myself as much as he, in bed. Saying all of that paints him as a jerk, and he isn't. I think he just doesn't understand that women can enjoy sex as much as men. Maybe his ex girlfriends were passive? I have no idea. I do wish him the best of luck. And thank you for the advice. He will be getting a call later this evening. After the football game You know...priorities...
Shakz Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 In my world, having sex with someone means that both people are pleased as much as possible. No, it's not always perfect, especially the first time around, but I'd sure as hell recognize an 'A' for effort. There wasn't any. Is the guy coachable? Sure. But at 33, I don't have the patience to coach a guy who clearly isn't interested in me enjoying myself as much as he, in bed. Saying all of that paints him as a jerk, and he isn't. I think he just doesn't understand that women can enjoy sex as much as men. Maybe his ex girlfriends were passive? I have no idea. I do wish him the best of luck. And thank you for the advice. He will be getting a call later this evening. After the football game You know...priorities... Right on. You have every right in the world to an enjoyable sex life, but no right at all to deliberately hurt someone's feelings. I knew you'd do the right thing.
Pink Cupcakes Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Maybe he's just dating you because he IS using you. Maybe that's why he didn't care about if you enjoyed the sex or not. Maybe that is why he wants to keep dating you. Did he have a decent sized you know what? Just curious. This guy isn't even worth a call. Wait for him to call you. You have a cell, right? Now a days it is even acceptable to text him the news you are ending it.
meerkat stew Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 There's still something missing here, some subtext. I have never known a woman or heard of one who was attracted enough to a guy to let him put his penis in her, yet the experience was so bad in some nebulous indefinable way that she wanted to break things off immediately, but couldn't describe fairly accurately what he did wrong. If it was ED, premature ejaculation, small penis, too fast, too slow, too hard, too soft, too hairy, bad breath, body odor, out of shape, clammy hands, weird faces, weird noises etc., we would have been told by now. See how easy it was for me to list reasons? and I've never even had sex with a man. There are other factors at play here.
alexlakeman Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 33? Oh forget it, just dump his azz... lol, I was assuming he was a teenager with no experience (maybe you being one of his first)... if NO ONE has given him a clue by now, forget about training him... I would just say "we're not compatible in bed, it was good knowing you, do not contact me again and please respect my wishes, have a good life"... You would think by that age someone would have told him or he would have read something in a men's magazine or the internet of what women like... Did he even go down on you? PERSONALLY, I didn't learn to do THAT right until I got divorced, lol.... I remember the instructions "lick it like a lollipop" , lol he.ll, if no one ever said squat b4, how would I have known.. back then the internet was not the go to place for sex ed... I love the double standard. If the guy is bad in the bed, she's told to find someone else and he's told to improve his performance. If it's the woman that's bad in bed, the guy is told sex is not everything. Perfectly said.... quoted for future reference
spiderowl Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I think if you don't feel attached and 'bonded' to the person you sleep with, then you are 'detached' and less inclined to want to make an effort to teach or do anything that will further the relationship. It's possible that with consistent guidance, you could change things but you have already tried this and he didn't respond. I can see that would be frustrating but it's compounded by the fact that you have no deep feelings for him. I've been there and you just think 'why should I bother when other men can "get it" instantly?' I don't think that you should tell him what's wrong unless you are planning to build something with him. I suspect that you would feel less critical of him if you were planning a future with him. Someone who has deep feelings will probably make a huge effort to teach this man. If he meets someone who has and he still doesn't learn how to respond to her needs, then he's going to end up alone and with only himself to blame.
dreamergrl Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I didn't read through all of the added comments, but there is no reason to keep a guy around if you haven't and don't feel something. Let it go. Let him go.
NYCGirly Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 While I'm a huge advocate of honesty- in this case, some things are better left unsaid. He's in his 30s. Chances are if he's been sexing since his teens, his technique is somewhat ingrained. You being honest and telling him you're ending things based on his ineptitude in bed isn't going to magically fix his technique so it's best you make something else up to get out of this.
dispatch3d Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 And realistically, how would he do that anyway? Maybe the girls before the OP loved being with this guy. Is he suddenly supposed to assume the the OP's sexual wants and needs are somehow going to cross over to all his future partners? It's such a subjective thing that the only way he'd realistically be able to "improve" is by working WITH the OP to improve his performance and sexual reciprocation with HER. "Do you guys prefer to have the girl orgasm right away within the first ten minutes to prove your sexual mastery, or do you prefer to make her orgasm later to establish a deeper connection. Personally I prefer the first over the second, because most guys have never even made her orgasm before. Making her orgasm before you are even inside her blows her mind and has her coming back for more." - MrSex4uNYC (he's a master pickup artist) Can definitely get better ;-).
tman666 Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 "Do you guys prefer to have the girl orgasm right away within the first ten minutes to prove your sexual mastery, or do you prefer to make her orgasm later to establish a deeper connection. Personally I prefer the first over the second, because most guys have never even made her orgasm before. Making her orgasm before you are even inside her blows her mind and has her coming back for more." - MrSex4uNYC (he's a master pickup artist) Can definitely get better ;-). Cool story bro... Not sure what this has to do with my post.
tman666 Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 TuesGirl, Glad to hear that you're going to take the high road out. I agree with some of the others here, that at 33, he should not be this incompetent. Also the whiny "baayybee" after you expressively telling him what you wanted shows that he doesn't deserve to get any stanky.
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