I know honesty is the best policy, but...

[TuesGirl]

...how do I tell this guy that I have been seeing that I am no longer interested in dating him when the reason is because he was hor.i.ble. in bed. Not bad, not coachable, not first time awkwardness, just plain horrible. (We're in our 30s if that matters)

 

We've been out on about 5 dates. I did enjoy his company, but always knew that we weren't going to have a long term/forever kind of thing. Maybe date for a few months, but I didn't see much beyond that the more I got to know him. We slept together on Sunday night bc I liked him enough, and well, it's been awhile since I've had some physical affection, so what the hell.

 

He's very much into me. Tells me all the things about me that he 'really likes'. Has called me twice, texted me twice and sent one email since Monday morning. I've been nice (he left his sunglasses over here, so we have been trying to figure out a time for him to come get those) but I'm not interested in him anymore. I don't want to mean/harsh, but I also don't want to lead him on. Do I just say, "I'm not interested anymore?" Will he know it's bc of the sex? (Which BTW, I did communicate some 'ideas' while we were in bed, but to no avail...just trust me, it was bad and I have interest in 'fixing' it).

 

Basically what's the best way to go about this in the most dignified and mature manner?

[USMCHokie]

Honesty is the best policy. But you also don't need to give him a reason you're not interested in dating him, do you? I'd leave it at you not being interested in continuing to date him. That's all that matters. Reasons aren't necessary, especially if it's only been five dates...

[AverageJoe]

"I'm not interested anymore?"

 

This is exactly what you tell him. He may not know if it is because of the sex or not, but you told him your concerns. Its not yor problem.

[dispatch3d]

If you actually want to help him, tell him the truth (he's bad in bed). Hopefully he learns to accept this, and looks at ways to please woman more. It sounds like you gave him some suggestions of things you like and he completely ignored them. If he's not determined that you both get what you want in bed, and has no interest in improving (or constantly improving) in bed, then you are pretty justified in breaking up with him for that reason.

 

Of course, my suggestion is the hardest for you to carry out. It is by far the least fun, and there's a good chance you won't have an easy/as enjoyable a time rejecting him as any other method suggested.

[caramel c]

Sounds like he really likes you, yet you've been misleading him from the start. What matters more than what you say, is that you say it SOON. I hope this guy doesn't spend any more time being misled by you. I don't think its necessary to get into details about him not being any good in bed. Say it if you must, but you could also tell him that you do not feel the desired level of chemistry with him while still being honest. Honesty and disclosure are two different things. You do not need to say every word that comes to mind. Be nice and sum it up. To somebody else who really loves him, he may be fabulous in bed. Lets not hurt the guy any more than necessary.

[TuesGirl]

If you actually want to help him, tell him the truth (he's bad in bed). Hopefully he learns to accept this, and looks at ways to please woman more. It sounds like you gave him some suggestions of things you like and he completely ignored them. If he's not determined that you both get what you want in bed, and has no interest in improving (or constantly improving) in bed, then you are pretty justified in breaking up with him for that reason.

 

Of course, my suggestion is the hardest for you to carry out. It is by far the least fun, and there's a good chance you won't have an easy/as enjoyable a time rejecting him as any other method suggested.

 

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. See, I know he's not a selfish person, so it's not like he's all about 'getting his' and not caring about me, I just feel like he's...clueless. Like, he doesn't understand that women enjoy/can enjoy having sex too. It was definitely all about his deal and then...yea. If he wasn't so nice, I would've felt used!haha And I even gave him a second chance the next morning. Same story. Thanks for the male POV advice (all of you!)

[TuesGirl]

Sounds like he really likes you, yet you've been misleading him from the start. What matters more than what you say, is that you say it SOON. I hope this guy doesn't spend any more time being misled by you. I don't think its necessary to get into details about him not being any good in bed. Say it if you must, but you could also tell him that you do not feel the desired level of chemistry with him while still being honest. Honesty and disclosure are two different things. You do not need to say every word that comes to mind. Be nice and sum it up. To somebody else who really loves him, he may be fabulous in bed. Lets not hurt the guy any more than necessary.

 

I wouldn't say I have been misleading him from the start. At the beginning I did really llike him (hence the reason I kept agreeing to see him). It just started to wane over the course of the dates.

[dispatch3d]

Sounds like he really likes you, yet you've been misleading him from the start. What matters more than what you say, is that you say it SOON. I hope this guy doesn't spend any more time being misled by you. I don't think its necessary to get into details about him not being any good in bed. Say it if you must, but you could also tell him that you do not feel the desired level of chemistry with him while still being honest. Honesty and disclosure are two different things. You do not need to say every word that comes to mind. Be nice and sum it up. To somebody else who really loves him, he may be fabulous in bed. Lets not hurt the guy any more than necessary.

 

she described him as horrible. Guy is probaly pretty damn bad and this is the only reason. The reason to do what you're saying is because it's easier for opening post to handle him handling the rejection. Ie. she doesn't have to deal with as many bad emotions/him telling her nasty **** too/etc. if she does it in a nice way. It isn't really the best way as far as his life self improvement is concerned.

 

I realize a lot of ppl would just do as being suggested. I just figured I'd offer a different point of view....

[caramel c]

she described him as horrible. Guy is probaly pretty damn bad and this is the only reason. The reason to do what you're saying is because it's easier for opening post to handle him handling the rejection. Ie. she doesn't have to deal with as many bad emotions/him telling her nasty **** too/etc. if she does it in a nice way. It isn't really the best way as far as his life self improvement is concerned.

 

I realize a lot of ppl would just do as being suggested. I just figured I'd offer a different point of view....

 

Well, she asked how she could go about this in a dignified and mature manner, and I think the advice I gave her is fitting.

 

Please understand that with a different girl who is crazy about him might think the world of his performance in bed. Even a different girl who is not so crazy about him might. And chances are, the girl who is crazy about him will have more patience and true desire when it comes to handling this issue with him.

[guy.lepage]

Just tell him you think he's a really nice guy but it won't work out. We can't control our emotions.

 

There is no point in commenting on his sexual performance. He will question himself enough for being dumped after having sex with you. Leave his dignity intact and let him do the rest of the thinking.

[TouchedByViolet]

I just feel like he's...clueless. Like, he doesn't understand that women enjoy/can enjoy having sex too. It was definitely all about his deal and then...yea. If he wasn't so nice, I would've felt used!haha And I even gave him a second chance the next morning. Same story. Thanks for the male POV advice (all of you!)

 

WTF? Why didn't you slap him in the face and say like "lick my clit b!tch"?

[TuesGirl]

WTF? Why didn't you slap him in the face and say like "lick my clit b!tch"?

 

LOL! I would've been happy with a lot less than that...

[TuesGirl]

Just tell him you think he's a really nice guy but it won't work out. We can't control our emotions.

 

There is no point in commenting on his sexual performance. He will question himself enough for being dumped after having sex with you. Leave his dignity intact and let him do the rest of the thinking.

 

Yea I think I'll probably take this route, but I do feel really bad knowing he'll be questioning a lot (I would too...).

[jamesum]

So basically you are going to just hit it and quit it?

[xpaperxcutx]

So basically you are going to just hit it and quit it?

 

:lmao:

 

Yes, she's the female version of a guy...

[alexlakeman]

So you kept sleeping with him and slept with him the first time, KNOWING it was not going to be long term? Oh my... what if a guy did that to you?

[TuesGirl]

So you kept sleeping with him and slept with him the first time, KNOWING it was not going to be long term? Oh my... what if a guy did that to you?

 

Well, to clarify, I didn't 'keep' sleeping with him. He spent the night. We slept together that night and then again the next morning. I figured everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the first time he was just so nervous or something. And to be fair, let's just say that I was leaning towards knowing that it wasn't going to be long term, but adter that evening, well, it was the final nail in the coffin so-to-speak. Phew! You all pick apart words pretty carefully on here huh?

 

And IMO if anyone sleeps with someone else to seal the longevity of a relationship, well, you're likely going to be disappointed. So, I guess when I choose to go that route with someone I'm not thinking that someday we'll get married. And I seriously doubt that is the thought that is going across their mind too

 

Let's steer the topic back to the original question, yea?

[O'Malley]

Call him, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel there is enough compatibility here for a long term relationship. I feel that it's best that we both move on." The thing you should not do is to be completely honest -- you then have the possibility of becoming pulled into a lengthy discussion that is not going to be beneficial for either of you.

 

Don't offer to be friends and turn down any offer of friendship. Never contact him again and ignore any of his contacts to you.

 

Leave his dignity intact and let him do the rest of the thinking.

[Serenitynow]

To take the quote from actress Vera Farmiga, from the movie Up in the Air

 

“I’m just like you but with a vagina.”

 

 

 

.

[2sure]

OK, Ive dated this guy too.

You absolutely positively cannot no matter what tell him he sucks in bed.

 

You tell him:

 

You know what? I like you. I enjoy you. But I know we are both looking for something more and I dont think we should invest more in this because ..as much as I enjoy you...I'm not feeling it. Good luck and warmest regards.

[Star Gazer]

From what you've described, it DOES sound like he's coachable. Doesn't sound like a rhythm/performance type problem, so much as he doesn't know WTF to do...? And what communication was taking place in bed at all? Is he supposed to be a mindreader??

[Mad Max]

I love the double standard. If the guy is bad in the bed, she's told to find someone else and he's told to improve his performance. If it's the woman that's bad in bed, the guy is told sex is not everything.

[tman666]

For the love of God, don't break up with him specifically saying "you're horrible in bed". This could backfire on you in so many ways. This could potentially shatter his ego to a point that he could turn malicious, vengeful, or at the very least, have zero confidence in any future exploits.

 

If you don't want to give him any coaching, just amicably break it off. You don't have to site specifics. If you respect this guy one iota, you'll break it off with little explanation other than "I'm not interested in continuing to date and I have some other priorities at this time. You're a great guy, and you'll find a great girl, but that girl is not me".

[Hop_prophet]

Agree with most of the others here. It is not your place to tell him anything of the sort and it will only make it more of a problem. Honestly there is no way you can tell if he is bad in bed after two half hearted attempts. It easily could be chalked up to nervousness or any number of reasons. You are not his gf and not invested in a relationship so him so why would you do this?

 

If you want to shatter his self confidence and potentially give him a complex about it then go ahead and tell him. Trust me he will not take it kindly especially if you are not interested in working with him on it. Honestly it is like rubbing salt into his wounds if he is into you.

[meerkat stew]

I love the double standard. If the guy is bad in the bed, she's told to find someone else and he's told to improve his performance. If it's the woman that's bad in bed, the guy is told sex is not everything.

 

Yeah, imagine the roles reversed and the reason she was bad was because she was fat. How many people would honestly counsel OP to tell her the total truth? None. Then when guys are given complexes over things like this and end up here venting, they get the double whammy of being told they are just "bitter" and need to be more "confident."

 

Contrast this thread to alexlakeman's current thread on a single date with no sex, not even rising to a pattern of using someone, for a perfect illustration of the extent of the double standard displayed here on LS.

 

As far as the topic, just tell him you don't see a future and leave it at that.

 

Perhaps work on your communication skills also, as I have a hunch this guy is probably not as bad as you paint him in bed. If the problem is premature ejaculation, ED, whatever, why not just say so? If it was some issue of technique, after the night's performance, why didn't you take a more active role in the morning as opposed to just giving him another chance to "be good" and read your mind? If you can't say what it is specifically here, you will never be able to communicate to a lover face to face how to please you.