s on my online profile

[curlygirl40]

Hi there

 

I just re-wrote my Match profile for the 3rd time and I think it's getting close. What's important to me is that by reading it someone gets a grasp of the person I am. Possible online? I'm not sure. Anyway, I hope I did this right (I just copied the link), here it is:

 

http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?ortp=1&TP=U&uid=FGNwlRB101vUPjGv7hKpeQ==&lid=21

 

Thanks!!!

[curlygirl40]

Sorry the Title was suppose to say 'Opinions on my online profile'. Not just s.

[snowbell]

I though "s" might be some kind of code-word or something.

And your profile picture is lovely!

 

Now, this critique is going to be a little more technical in nature because I did a lot of creative writing and research projects in college, and I write in my spare time. Please don't take personal offense to any criticisms!

 

The body of your description lacks flow. It comes across as little chunks of information just put together for the sake on conveying information. Dating profiles are essentially a sales pitch, so you want to have a strong opening paragraph that flows into the rest of the description. This invites the reader to continue from start to end to get a better idea of who you are and what you're looking for.

 

I'm a fun, happy person who really enjoys life. I have a very full life so I'm not looking for someone to 'complete me,' just looking to meet new people and get myself back out in the world of dating.

It's good that right off you specify that you aren't looking for anything serious. You set your intentions out there from the get-go. The first sentence, however, comes off a little generic and almost trite. What makes you "fun" and "happy"?

 

At this point in my life I'm cautious about relationships and needing to take it all slow.

A little repetative - you stated in the introductory paragraph that you're not looking for anything serious.

 

I am looking for someone who's confident, but not arrogant. A social person who has maintained friendships (so important in life, don't you think?!) and is not too introverted.

This paragraph is a little repetative. The opposite of "shy and quiet" is sociability, so you don't really need to qualify that only non-shy social people need apply.

 

I am not a sports fanatic but yet I could cook a mean buffalo chicken dip for the game and would attend a sporting event just for the fun of it.

Don't make your profile about the negatives. Something like "I enjoy going to events, even though sports aren't exactly my passion. I'm also a big fan of cooking, so if we watch a game at home I'd love to whip up some buffalo chicken dip for the occasion!"

 

You might never get me on the back of your motorcycle. Just saying.

Again, another negative. Focus on your qualities rather than what you're not willing to put up with.

 

If you're looking for a girl to quickly wrap her arms around you and never let go, well I'm probably not your girl. I'm independent, almost to a fault. I'm my own person and think a special someone in my life would add to my life, not be my life.

Would probably be better if you focused on your traits, rather than what you don't want from dates. Maybe something like "I'm independent, almost to a fault. I value my individuality and want a special someone who understands they would compliment my life, not be my life."

 

I run like a girl, I throw a ball like a girl, and I drink like a girl. Cuz I'm a girl! But not a girly girl, I'm out the door in 20 minutes and usually can't be bothered with makeup and such.

This is cute. I would reverse the order in which you state these things, though: "I'm not a girly girl. It only takes me 20 minutes to get ready for the day because I'm confident in my appearance with or without makeup. When it comes to stereotypical 'guy' stuff, though, I run like a girl, I throw a ball like a girl, and I drink like a girl. Cuz, well, I AM a girl! "

 

My job keeps me busy and can be very demanding on my time and unpredictable as well, but I love it since it's very fulfilling for me.

 

I have two teenage boys who keep me busy. They are great kids. Well, I'm their mom what would you expect me to say?

I would combine these two paragraphs into one, not to detract from the importance of your children! But both seem to get across the idea that you don't have a ton of free time and highlight important aspects of your life.

 

I can be silly at times, and crack myself up often. Looking for someone who can say the same. When it comes to movies I find I gravitate towards the movies with pure entertainment value that make me laugh. I can quote 'Caddyshack' with the best of them.

This is good. It lets the reader know a movie you like. Maybe list a specific genre? I like movies, too, but I get the feeling you wouldn't be crazy about 1970s Italian horror!

 

In my free time I love to cook, hang out with my friends, go to a local place and see a band play, read, watch a movie, travel, all the usual things.

I would put this closer to the beginning of your profile, and get rid of 'the usual things.' It makes you come across as less unique.

 

My friends would describe me as a lot of fun to be around, laid back, caring, a great mom, easy to be with, and pee your pants funny (their words, not mine)

It's good that you use your friends' testimonials. But again, I'd combine this with the previous paragraph. Both paragraphs are describing personal qualities.

 

To make it "flow" better, I'd word it like this:

 

Hi, there! Thanks for checking out my profile.

 

I'm a fun-loving person who really enjoys cooking, hanging out with my friends, going to local places and see bands, reading, watching movies, traveling, and plenty of other things we can discuss one-on-one. I would love to go out to a sporting event or cook a mean buffalo chicken dip for a nice evening of watching the game at home because even though I'm not too passionate about sports, I love spending time with someone I care about.

 

I can be silly at times, and crack myself up often, so a good sense of humor is VERY important to me. When it comes to movies, I gravitate towards films with pure entertainment value that make me laugh. I love comedies of all sorts and can quote 'Caddyshack' with the best of them. My friends would describe me as a lot of fun to be around, laid back, caring, a great mom, easy to be with, and pee your pants funny (their words, not mine)

 

I'm not a girly girl. It only takes me 20 minutes to get ready for the day because I'm confident in my appearance with or without makeup. When it comes to stereotypical 'guy' stuff, though, I run like a girl, throw a ball like a girl, and drink like a girl. I AM a girl, after all!

 

My job can be very demanding on my time and unpredictable, but I love it since it's very fulfilling. My boys keep me pretty busy, too. They're great kids! I'm their mom what would you expect me to say?

 

I'm independent, almost to a fault. I'm interested in meeting new people to get myself back out in the world of dating, and at this point I'm cautious about relationships so I'd like to take things slow.

 

I value my individuality and want a special someone who understands they compliment my life, they don't need to BE my life. I am looking for someone who's confident, but not arrogant. A social person who has maintained friendships (so important in life, don't you think?!) and someone who is not too shy or quiet. My life is wonderfully full so I'm not looking for someone to 'complete me.'

[torranceshipman]

I would keep it way shorter...and I was always a fan of leaving out specific words no matter what context you used them in (in which case I'd take out the reference to 'complete me'! in the first line!) - also I'd take out the needing to take it slow, independent to a fault, etc, as that sounds a bit baggage-y, and I'd also take out the references to how you'd be happy to cook for the guy when he is watching a game (it sounds a bit man pleasing).

 

I'd just go with something short and snappy, with some of the highlights of your original, such as that funny comment about running like a girl etc because you are a girl (lol!), enjoying cool funny flicks like CaddyShack, and that you are looking for a cool guy for a great relationship. I am a fan of keeping it really uncomplicated.

 

You sound like a good catch though, good luck!

[snowbell]

I'd just go with something short and snappy, with some of the highlights of your original, such as that funny comment about running like a girl etc because you are a girl (lol!), enjoying cool funny flicks like CaddyShack, and that you are looking for a cool guy for a great relationship. I am a fan of keeping it really uncomplicated.

I agree with this 100%. I'd actually take out the whole "I catch like a girl" etc paragraph since it doesn't really add a whole lot.

 

The sports stuff not only comes across as 'man-pleasing,' but implies you think all guys are into sports. They're not!

[dispatch3d]

Why is the sports thing in there at all? Guys aren't looking for a woman who are into sports to watch the game with.

 

I definitely noticed the tending-to-negative slant you have on things. Look at your overall framework (we'll call it the forest). I think you're building your forest on negative trees. I enjoy that analogy.

 

Definitely definitely definitely take out the salary thing. Why would you put that there? Do they make you?

[curlygirl40]

Thank you all!! I'm going to do another re-write and change things up a bit. It's funny because I'm not a negative person at all and didn't realize how I'm focusing on some negatives here.

 

And yes they ask the salary question. I think I might have an option of saying 'prefer not to say', but then you wonder if people will wonder why you 'prefer not to say'.

 

Seems like so many of the guys that I am attracted to on Match are into sports and also want a woman who's independent. So I think I had those things on my mind when I wrote it.

 

And I truthfully put in the part about 'run like a girl, throw a ball like a girl...' because someone said something to me once about how I drink girly drinks (I don't like wine or beer) and that's what I came back with, and it cracked me (and everyone else at the table) up, so I thought throwing that in there would be funny.

 

Thank you again!! I appreciate all of the feedback. Keep it coming if you'd like.

[dispatch3d]

Thank you all!! I'm going to do another re-write and change things up a bit. It's funny because I'm not a negative person at all and didn't realize how I'm focusing on some negatives here.

 

And yes they ask the salary question. I think I might have an option of saying 'prefer not to say', but then you wonder if people will wonder why you 'prefer not to say'.

 

Seems like so many of the guys that I am attracted to on Match are into sports and also want a woman who's independent. So I think I had those things on my mind when I wrote it.

 

And I truthfully put in the part about 'run like a girl, throw a ball like a girl...' because someone said something to me once about how I drink girly drinks (I don't like wine or beer) and that's what I came back with, and it cracked me (and everyone else at the table) up, so I thought throwing that in there would be funny.

 

Thank you again!! I appreciate all of the feedback. Keep it coming if you'd like.

 

I'd put prefer not to say obviously. It's a pretty damn personal question to be asking.

 

I liked the run like a girl/throw like a girl stuff. That's fine and describes who you are (as far as I'm concerned).

[Knittress]

Damn! I hope I'm as good looking as you are at 40. Thanks for inadvertently easing my 'shelf-life' anxieties a bit.

[Gold Pile]

CurlyGirl this is your lucky day! You need to be aware that "Gold Pile", one of the most datable men on LS lives near Hartford. :love:He is witty, fit, handsome and universally loved by one and all. (modest too).

 

He can be found in trees near swimming pools with his binoculars. He can be found scoping out the babes at the laundromat. Or coping feels at political conventions. (he regrets Susan Bieswicz couldn't run this time). Most recently he has been seen in Boston's Chinatown section. Best of all he is over 40 too.

 

References? nobody here would speak ill of him

[alexlakeman]

Why is the sports thing in there at all? Guys aren't looking for a woman who are into sports to watch the game with.

 

I ....................definitely take out the salary thing. Why would you put that there? Do they make you?

 

ALOT of guys are... sorry to burst your bubble... I am NOT, but I've gone out with..well 2 women the last 5 months that were HUGE sports fanatics, big big plus when you like sports... OP leave it in there...

 

 

Thank ..............on some negatives here.

 

And yes they ask the salary question. I think I might have an option of saying 'prefer not to say', but then you wonder if people will wonder why you 'prefer not to say'.

 

Seems like so many of the guys that I am attracted to on Match are into sports and also want a woman who's independent. So I think I had those things on my mind when I wrote it.

 

..........................

Thank you again!! I appreciate all of the feedback. Keep it coming if you'd like.

 

Salary? I don't want someone to judge me based on salary.. I'm a guy, so I don't want a woman to pick me b/c I meet her "minimum" salary ... as for women? I don't care if they put it or not.. makes no difference.. The lady I met Tues, put $35K salary category , yet when I met her she owns her own company and that $35K... actually had 4 zeros behind it vs 3..LOL.. so she knew I didn't pick her b/c of salary.. PERSONALLY, I do NOT put my salary (it would be in the high five figures..), b/c at the end of the day my net pay after I pay all my bills ends up being... well, very low, lol... I've actually thought of putting a ****ty salary and see how much response I get as a guy, lol.. but not that crazy... haha

 

I'm on match as well, I am going to email you so you can see my profile.. I am not that bold to put it up on here.. LOL... but yeah, you look very nice and are actually my age range ..

 

OH, btw, one thing on the local women I look at, if they don't have a full body shot, at times I just delete them, bc you know how it is, a woman can have a very cute face, but be a blimp below.. put up a full body shot... I put in the max # of pics in my profile... and it works out.. "curvy" means different things to different people and in different parts of the country.. no disrespect!!!!!

 

Good luck

Edited August 20, 2010 by alexlakeman

[alexlakeman]

CurlyGirl this is your lucky day! You need to be aware that "Gold Pile", one of the most datable men on LS lives near Hartford. :love:He is witty, fit, handsome and universally loved by one and all. (modest too).

 

He can be found in trees near swimming pools with his binoculars. He can be found scoping out the babes at the laundromat. Or coping feels at political conventions. (he regrets Susan Bieswicz couldn't run this time). Most recently he has been seen in Boston's Chinatown section. Best of all he is over 40 too.

 

References? nobody here would speak ill of him

 

You have to let her know what is your education level and do you have a blue collar or white collar job? Live with mom or own your own property? lol

 

good luck

[Jilly Bean]

It comes off pretty bland and very negative, IMO. It just doesn't project any enthusiasm, zero humor, and more about what you're not, and what you won't do.

 

 

I'm a fun, happy person who really enjoys life. I have a very full life so I'm not looking for someone to 'complete me', just looking to meet new people and get myself back out in the world of dating.

 

OK, I'd delete the comment about someone to complete you. It reeks of baggage. Get yourself back into the world of dating? I'd delete that, too.

 

At this point in my life I'm cautious about relationships and needing to take it all slow.

 

BAGGAGE ALERT!

 

I am looking for someone who's confident, but not arrogant. A social person who has maintained friendships (so important in life, don't you think?!) and someone who is not too shy or quiet.

 

OK.

 

I am not a sports fanatic but yet I could cook a mean buffalo chicken dip for the game and would attend a sporting event just for the fun of it.

 

I like it. Shows flexibility and compromise.

 

You might never get me on the back of your motorcycle. Just saying.

 

Negative. Leave it out.

 

If you're looking for a girl to quickly wrap her arms around you and never let go, well I'm probably not your girl. I'm independent, almost to a fault. I'm my own person and think a special someone in my life would add to my life, not be my life.

 

Makes you sound frigid and unsexual. The independent part makes you sound like a manhater, and if I were a dude, Id wonder why you were on match, since you are so independent and not in need or want of a man.

 

 

I run like a girl, I throw a ball like a girl, and I drink like a girl. Cuz I'm a girl! But not a girly girl, I'm out the door in 20 minutes and usually can't be bothered with makeup and such.

 

Ugh. What is all that supposed to mean? That youre physically inept? Out the door in 20 minutes and don't wear makeup. I don't think you need to advertise your beauty regime. Sooo irrelevant, and if anything, makes you sound like you take no pride in your appearance.

 

My job keeps me busy and can be very demanding on my time and unpredictable as well, but I love it since it's very fulfilling for me.

 

OK, cool.

 

I have two teenage boys who keep me busy. They are great kids. Well, I'm their mom what would you expect me to say?

 

Yawn.

 

I can be silly at times, and crack myself up often. Looking for someone who can say the same. When it comes to movies I find I gravitate towards the movies with pure entertainment value that make me laugh. I can quote 'Caddyshack' with the best of them.

 

Yeah, not seeing that in the least. Its like something saying they're funny with a straight face, and they cant even laugh at Seinfeld.

 

In my free time I love to cook, hang out with my friends, go to a local place and see a band play, read, watch a movie, travel, all the usual things.

 

OK.

 

My friends would describe me as a lot of fun to be around, laid back, caring, a great mom, easy to be with, and pee your pants funny (their words, not mine)

 

Yeah, if thats true, it doesnt translate. You come off as pretty particular, and not funny.

 

You are very cute in your pic , but your writing is so flat, that it makes your personality seem dull.

 

I recommend putting some punch in your profile and cut out all of the negativity. Make it sizzle and snap - put in some emoticons, say something funny if you're so funny. lol

[WintersNightTraveler]

I think your profile is very nice and sincere and you will not have trouble getting attention on it from reasonable and cool guys. And it's a pretty picture.

 

Maybe throw in a bit more humor if you can, just a little to make them smile when they read it.

 

But I don't think tweaking the small details makes a big difference.

 

Also you probably should go on a date with Gold Pile.

 

Good luck!

[dispatch3d]

Definitely think being independant is a plus and important. Describing what you wouldn't do is probably a bad idea. Instead describe the things you want to do/like to do with your significant other.

 

Saying I don't want you to hug me - yeah not so great. ;-)

[curlygirl40]

You guys are awesome, thank you so much. Now I feel like I need a complete rewrite! But that's o.k, that's what I was hoping for was honest feedback.

 

I'm a very positive person with positive energy and my friends tell me that I "light up the room and radiate", I didn't realize my writing was projecting something different. So I'll change it up this weekend.

 

Thanks again! I really do appreciate it!

[temporaryvisa]

WOW. You're very lovely, and you DON'T look 40.

[Jilly Bean]

Curly - couple more things.

 

Keep it playful and flirty. Tell a joke. Say something self-deprecating, in a cute way. Your personality on LS is already so much more attractive than the profile. lol

 

And also - do know that a lot of people that do OLD won't touch a person who is separated. I commend you for being honest, but do know that's a speedy disqualifier for a lot of people.

 

Also, please don't post pics of your kids. I was always creeped out when people did that, as lots of pedophiles scour these things.

[curlygirl40]

Well I couldn't resist so I changed it up some tonight. Or let me rephrase that, this morning since it's 1:00 a.m. Yawn!!

 

Anyway, I'm sure I'll tweak it some more and when my mind is clear, on a good night's sleep, I'll tweak it again.

 

Hopefully by morning the changes will have been 'approved' and you can see what I changed.

 

Thanks for the compliments on the pictures and me 'not looking 40'. I love being 40! You guys are very sweet.

 

Oh and on the curvy thing. I do have one body shot but I hate it so I didn't include it. I have a friend who's going to take some pics of me and I'll have her do that. The 2 guys I have met so far said I was 'curvy' at worse. I'm a 12/14 in jeans. I'd like to lose another 20 lbs but I'm pretty comfortable where I'm at.

 

I know some guys are shying away from my profile because of the separated thing, but I'm not going to lie and say 'divorced'. My divorce will be final soon and I'll change it then.

 

I hope my profile goes live cuz I sent an e-mail to a new person and I hope he can read my 'new' profile when he sees my e-mail. Gold something or other I can't remember his name, hangs out in laundrymats and his love life is wishy washy.

 

Ha! JK

[Shakz]

You guys are awesome, thank you so much. Now I feel like I need a complete rewrite! But that's o.k, that's what I was hoping for was honest feedback.

 

I'm a very positive person with positive energy and my friends tell me that I "light up the room and radiate", I didn't realize my writing was projecting something different. So I'll change it up this weekend.

 

Thanks again! I really do appreciate it!

 

I think your profile is awesome and you are absolutely beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing.

[torranceshipman]

One last comment....can you keep the entire profile to a short couple of paragraphs and a snappy tagline? I honestly think that'd be the best way forward. When I was online dating, I never bothered reading past 'tagline, educational qualifications, salary, job' and checking out the photo, then-and only then- if all that was decent, THEN I'd read more (lol-call me superficial but hey...I know what I want!). I'd suggest really paying attention to that stuff, and having a few cool photos, ore than anything.

[dispatch3d]

yeah it's a lot better I think. Definitely way more positive.

 

"I am looking for someone who's confident, but not arrogant. A social person who has maintained friendships (so important in life, don't you think?!) and someone who is not too shy or quiet. "

 

This is going to screen out some guys and hopefully you realize this. The shy quiet type aren't going to want to message you as much because your pretty rigid-sounding in what you're looking for. The "A social person who has maintained frendships (so important in life..)"

 

Makes it sound like a dealbreaker. If something is "so important in life" it can't really be much more important than that, can it? If this is the main thing you are looking for in a guy, then I'd leave it as is. If you intended it to be a preference, then I would reword it to sound like a preference. If you prefer the guy have his own group of friends then write it like that. If you want him to just be comfortable around large groups of people, then you could write it similar to that.

 

Basically, I think you wrote this section not totally realizing how it would come off from a "qualities I look for" perspective. It looks like the hardest qualifier you have in the entire profile. Not that saying I want x in a guy is bad, just that you may be accidently placing importance on the stuff that isn't the most important to you.

 

Anyways, good job!

[dispatch3d]

the "he's not just into you" joke about the last book you read. I'd be careful about the connotations of such a joke. It's definitely cute+relatively funny (as in the reason I would take it out has NOTHING to do with it not being funny), I'd just be worried it'll remind guys of bad dating experiences. That movie is kind of a huge mishmash of every bad dating experience you've ever had, combined with a 50/50 good ending. Lol.

 

"Happily ever after" just kidding, or "Finding the one" just kidding, etc. (Not actual movie names). Basically a joke with the opposite connotations - a boy and girl getting together and REALLY liking each other - would serve you better. Same format as the previous joke.

 

I would consider using a different word than "cautious" to describe how you are approaching dating. There's nothing wrong with taking things slow, but cautious has - again me with this word - negative connotations. Something like "I don't rush into relationships, and prefer to just take things slowly at the start so we really get to know each other."

 

I think you changed the sporting thing and i like it a lot more now. You aren't trying to come off as something you aren't - a sports fanatic - but you are saying that you're more than willing to watch sports + cook some wings or something.

 

The independant thing. Maybe change the verbage to imply that instead of them "complimenting" your life, they add to, or increase the quality of your life experiences. Something like that.

 

The low maintainence thing I like. The one problem you may have is you mention football specifically twice. I may change the sports because you may come off as someone who is really into football, and guys may start messaging you about football.

 

It sounds like you've traveled (from the brief things I read in your stats or whatever you would call that). I may add something to the effect of where you've travelled, your best experience travelling, or whatever. Hopefully this will serve as a hook for something interesting to talk about. If there's other things you'd like to start conversations on there about you may want to add the hook just by talking about that thing. A bonus will be you'll get people starting conversations on stuff you are actually interested in. You may have to change this added stuff regularly because you probably don't want to talk about that one vacation in venus to 15 different guys.

 

Something like:

 

"Oh my most favourite trip ever was to Venice! We splashed around in the water ways, took a train to their highest mountain, saw a professional football game. I won't get into this too much now, but I just love traveling!"

 

Of course you probably wouldn't want to use that first part, because you'd sound like a 14 year old girl . Haha anyways...

 

good luck!

[curlygirl40]

Thanks again!

 

So much to think about.

 

And I don't think you are shallow torrance, I think a lot of people do the same thing. That's what's funny about the profile, is that if they can't get beyond my picture, or the fact that I'm separated, or 40, or whatever, they won't even read it.

 

I find I look at the photo, look at their age, then look to see if they smoke (dealbreaker for me) before I even read their profile.

 

Can't thank you enough, I'll tweak it again! Soon I must get off this computer today and get something done.

[curlygirl40]

Dispatch, thanks!

 

The social thing is pretty important to me, and someone who is truly shy would not be my type, so I'll have to think about changing that.

 

I find at this stage in life (40's and beyond), many men have given up their friendships and count on their wife (significant other) to be their everything. I think this is important to me because that's what my stbx did. I was his only friend. When we met he had friends, buddies he went out with to watch a game, etc. But he gave it all up when we got married (not at my suggestion!), then when I wanted to go out with my friends he had this holier than thou attitude of "well I don't go out with friends, I gave that up when I got married, you should have too". Another way to control what I did I think. Not that you need to know all of that, but anyway!

 

So when I have time I'll look at it again and add some of the things you suggested, you had some good points. Thanks again