Reptiley Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Okay, a little background first- I have generalized anxiety disorder which makes it impossible for me to put worries into the back of my mind. I tend to worry about things obsessively. I posted a different thread not so long ago about my boyfriend and the fact he's expressed his desires for variety sexually. I respect him for his honesty, and (correct me if I am wrong), I feel that many other women and men feel the same way i.e. fantasize about multiple people, want more than one person sexually. I find this very upsetting as I am one of those people who find it impossible to want anyone else when they're in love. I can't stand the thought of my boyfriend even fantasizing about other women. I think about this every day and often am reduced to tears, it is intefering with my life and whilst I keep my worries quiet, sometimes I voice them to my boyfriend which leads nowhere except more tears. I have no idea what to do- I cannot stop worrying! I feel like he wants to have sex with every pretty woman we see, it has made me jealous, which I am not usually- I have never been a jealous person before! Of course, porn bothers me immensely but I don't want to change him or make him feel like he can't do things he wants. I have no idea how often he watches it, but I know he does and have seen some of the titles and names of the things he downloads which again make me feel terrible. I know this is my problem but how can I overcome it? Does anyone else feel the same way?
AverageJoe Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I am glad to hear you recognize it is not your problem. Thats good. In my opinion this is the last place you need to be asking this question. You need a professional therapist. I saw a therapist many years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did. I highly recomend it. You cant be the thought police on this guy, or any guy for that matter. That is just unreasonable, and impossible. You will never be able to change or manipulate what a person thinks. Good luck.
Author Reptiley Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 I used to see a therapist every week for a few years and I could never speak- I find speaking aloud in front of people about how I feel, very very difficult. The sessions mostly passed in silence. I think if I do see a therapist again, I could suggest we communicate through typing or writing. I just want to know if anybody else experiences anything remotely like this, and if so, how they deal with it. It also helps to simply get these feelings off my chest for a change.
jenifer1972 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I think we women do tend to be threatened by men's desire for variety, that at least in my case as well, is not present when I am in love with someone. The fact that you have GAD, and that your boyfriend has openly expressed this magnifies the problem. It sounds like it is really interfering in your life and temporary medication might be something you want to consider to stop the constant "short circuit" thinking you are experiencing.
meerkat stew Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 You might find a therapist who would agree to conduct sessions via Email, just a thought, as you don't seem to have trouble with expression via this medium. Would try that before seeking counsel in places like this. Best wishes.
SarahRose Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I don't know why women put up with this rubbish. If he wants variety of mult partners then he should stay single. You don't have to put up with this. A relationship is supposed to add to your life not cause you grief. I wonder how tolerant he would be if you talked about mult partners and variety and had loads of naked photos of well hung men just lying around?
Green Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I have a gf and I would never tell her I look at porn and think about other women. Thats just disrespectful IMO. Men who openly look at PORN and who make comments to their gf's about how pretty other women are don't deserve a gf. How would he like it if you started talking about how good looking men are. he wouldnt
zengirl Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Okay, a little background first- I have generalized anxiety disorder which makes it impossible for me to put worries into the back of my mind. I tend to worry about things obsessively. I posted a different thread not so long ago about my boyfriend and the fact he's expressed his desires for variety sexually. I respect him for his honesty, and (correct me if I am wrong), I feel that many other women and men feel the same way i.e. fantasize about multiple people, want more than one person sexually. I find this very upsetting as I am one of those people who find it impossible to want anyone else when they're in love. I can't stand the thought of my boyfriend even fantasizing about other women. I think about this every day and often am reduced to tears, it is intefering with my life and whilst I keep my worries quiet, sometimes I voice them to my boyfriend which leads nowhere except more tears. I have no idea what to do- I cannot stop worrying! I feel like he wants to have sex with every pretty woman we see, it has made me jealous, which I am not usually- I have never been a jealous person before! Of course, porn bothers me immensely but I don't want to change him or make him feel like he can't do things he wants. I have no idea how often he watches it, but I know he does and have seen some of the titles and names of the things he downloads which again make me feel terrible. I know this is my problem but how can I overcome it? Does anyone else feel the same way? Why would anyone express this desire? I don't think it's wrong for men (or women) to fantasize about someone other than their partner, but isn't this something we all just agree not to talk about too much in relationships? A man watching porn does not bother me. A man flaunting that he watches porn and blabbering on to me about the variety of women in the porn (except as romantic activity between couples, which some people do; porn has never been my thing) would potentially bother me. It really depends on how he is bringing this stuff up and why. A woman is an idiot if she asks a man to list his every sexual fantasy and thought (Yes, he will think about other women sometimes). A man is an idiot if he feels the need to bring this up with his SO. I'm not so much threatened by the idea, as it would be the way in which it was brought up. I mean, if I'm helping my fellow move and we come across some of his magazines or some porn or something . . . no biggie. As long as he's not got a pristine collection he's lighting and putting on display, or something creepy, that's cool. So, yes, you have a problem if you wish to control his thoughts. BUT I can't help but wonder how this came up.
Author Reptiley Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 It first came up when he asked for a threesome and I wanted to know, honestly, why he kept asking (I'm obviously not willing). He told me it was because he wanted to have sex with a body type he has a preference for (very skinny, small breasts and bum- I am a classical hourglass figure so not at all like he describes, and was crushed to find he isn't one of the men who love my shape . I recently found out from a friend that he fancied one of her friends who is extremely skinny- not at all like me). I must admit I was very angry and got defensive and he apologised- he is known for being brutally honest and when I ask for the truth, I get it. Then I aksed if he would be satisfied if I had that body type and he wasn't sure, and that is when he told me he wants variety sexually, and perhaps that is why he wanted a threesome (but his preference is the one I described above). He told me he would never do anything behind my back, and I believe him, so I am not worried about him cheating in the slightest. I know he loves me.
zengirl Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 It first came up when he asked for a threesome and I wanted to know, honestly, why he kept asking (I'm obviously not willing). He told me it was because he wanted to have sex with a body type he has a preference for (very skinny, small breasts and bum- I am a classical hourglass figure so not at all like he describes, and was crushed to find he isn't one of the men who love my shape . I recently found out from a friend that he fancied one of her friends who is extremely skinny- not at all like me). I must admit I was very angry and got defensive and he apologised- he is known for being brutally honest and when I ask for the truth, I get it. Then I aksed if he would be satisfied if I had that body type and he wasn't sure, and that is when he told me he wants variety sexually, and perhaps that is why he wanted a threesome (but his preference is the one I described above). He told me he would never do anything behind my back, and I believe him, so I am not worried about him cheating in the slightest. I know he loves me. Okay, I think that is pretty much crap. I'm not into threesomes, but a fellow bringing it up once wouldn't make me think "Jerk." I know people want to try things - men and women do - but that he brought it up repeatedly, after you obviously weren't willing is crap. It is further crap to give the answer he gave. I'm all for honesty, but this kind of "brutal honesty" is just unkindness in another label. (I don't think this means he'll cheat, necessarily, as the two aren't related, but it's all very inconsiderate.)
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) I just want to know if anybody else experiences anything remotely like this, and if so, how they deal with it. It also helps to simply get these feelings off my chest for a change. I think these feelings are pretty normal. Yours might be stronger than average, but I have felt some degree of what you have described. I understand female and male biology to a reasonable extent, enough to get why a lot of people on this earth start looking elsewhere as soon as they get comfortable. But seeing even a flash of desire across the face of the man I love, for another woman -- well, that can be hard on the heart. I feel the same way you do about commitment and desire. Other men might as well turn into women when I'm in love. I just don't see anyone but my lover in a sexual way anymore. I haven't found a good solution. The closest I've come is: ignorance is bliss. He keeps the ogling to a minimum when we're together, and I just don't want to hear about the watching porn and browsing random pictures of other women. Edited August 20, 2010 by Ruby Slippers
SarahRose Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 It first came up when he asked for a threesome and I wanted to know, honestly, why he kept asking (I'm obviously not willing). He told me it was because he wanted to have sex with a body type he has a preference for (very skinny, small breasts and bum- I am a classical hourglass figure so not at all like he describes, and was crushed to find he isn't one of the men who love my shape . I recently found out from a friend that he fancied one of her friends who is extremely skinny- not at all like me). I must admit I was very angry and got defensive and he apologised- he is known for being brutally honest and when I ask for the truth, I get it. Then I aksed if he would be satisfied if I had that body type and he wasn't sure, and that is when he told me he wants variety sexually, and perhaps that is why he wanted a threesome (but his preference is the one I described above). He told me he would never do anything behind my back, and I believe him, so I am not worried about him cheating in the slightest. I know he loves me. Men really want a woman who will put him in his place. They will do what you let them get away with. He brought this nonsense up and you entertained a conversation, an insecure conversation about it and he lost respect for you. You were supposed to laugh in his face and tell him how dare he even bring up such crap and if he ever does again, you're gone. That will earn you respect. Why don't you bring up some sex thing involving you and a man a completely differently type from him and see how well he likes it.
Shakz Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Then I aksed if he would be satisfied if I had that body type and he wasn't sure, and that is when he told me he wants variety sexually, and perhaps that is why he wanted a threesome (but his preference is the one I described above). He told me he would never do anything behind my back, and I believe him, so I am not worried about him cheating in the slightest. I know he loves me. Those have to be the saddest five words in the English language. Sweetheart, when a man loves a woman he can't keep his mind on nothin' else.
temporaryvisa Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 your boyfriend is being a jerk. someone you love should LOVE you for your hourglass body! WTF! dump him, get another real man.
TaurusTerp Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Those have to be the saddest five words in the English language. Sweetheart, when a man loves a woman he can't keep his mind on nothin' else. Maybe in the land of the unicorns.
Shakz Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Maybe in the land of the unicorns. You're name wouldn't happen to be Charlie, would it?
temporaryvisa Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Maybe in the land of the unicorns. LOL, that made me laugh, but honestly, the least he can do is feel that you're his favorite body to touch. What a loserrrrrr. Look, I can tell you love him very deeply, if a little obsessively, which is just the way I love so its cool. But you can't let him boss round the relationship with you feeling anxious and horrid. He's supposed to knock those dumb insecurities out of your head, not add to the problem.
Shakz Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 The more I think about it the more I think this guy is a turd of the first water.
zengirl Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Those have to be the saddest five words in the English language. Sweetheart, when a man loves a woman he can't keep his mind on nothin' else. As far as unicorns go. . . . I don't know that all men in love stop finding other women attractive, but I think they certainly don't go so far as to talk about the other body types they'd like to have sex with.
Shakz Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Poor, sick, sad world. Romance died with the last unicorn.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 As far as unicorns go. . . . I don't know that all men in love stop finding other women attractive, but I think they certainly don't go so far as to talk about the other body types they'd like to have sex with. But they let you know in all kinds of ways. A man doesn't have to say a word, and a woman can usually tell what his "type" is, whether she is that type or not, and what other women he would most like to have sex with.
TaurusTerp Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 If you think love makes a guy ignore all other women, you're living a delusional dream but more power to you. This guy is just brutally honest to the point of insensitivity. I'd suggest sitting him down and telling him what effect his words and actions are having on you.
zengirl Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 But they let you know in all kinds of ways. A man doesn't have to say a word, and a woman can usually tell what his "type" is, whether she is that type or not, and what other women he would most like to have sex with. Hmm. I'm not sure about this. Could I judge the basic "type" of my last few SOs? Yes. That part is true. Did I ever get the notion he was looking around at other women and actively desiring them? No. And I don't think this is because I'm particularly bury-my-head-in-the-sand. I tend to be perceptive enough. I just think that most men in loving, happy relationships will understand and respect their SOs enough to not let this become an issue. With the SO I lived with, once we were together for a good long while, we could both comment on people's looks -- but in a more aesthetic than sexual way -- and that was pretty rare. This doesn't bother me. I recognize that other people in the world are sexy and beautiful, besides me, and I still find men attractive even when I'm in a relationship. I don't want to screw other men, and if a SO has ever had an active desire to sleep with anyone else, he hid it well. To me, things like porn and images just don't count. Those aren't people (there may be people in them, but the fellow looking at it could care less about them). They're just ideas.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I just think that most men in loving, happy relationships will understand and respect their SOs enough to not let this become an issue. I've found that the more masculine the guy, the more roving-eyed he is. The sweet, nerdier mama's boys will pretend they would never watch porn, never check out and desire other women, but they give subtle hints that they do, anyway. It's just that they're more scared of losing their woman, so they "behave" themselves. The alpha dogs don't care as much, because they know a replacement is always just around the corner.
alyssatranswarrior Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) Men who openly look at PORN and who make comments to their gf's about how pretty other women are don't deserve a gf. How would he like it if you started talking about how good looking men are. he wouldnt She should ask him, if it truly is a double standard then you guys have a point and she should call him on his misogynist ways and leave him. Elsewise you might want to be quiet! You have NO idea if he would be offended if she wanted multiple sex partners. There are millions of couples out there who are realistic and set boundaries about their visual relationship. I.E its OK to look at other people and porn and fantasize about other people in masturbation (seems the case here). Does NOT mean he actually wants to have multiple women outside of her, in his bed occassionally, and her to know and accept it... Just means he is sexually aroused about looking at not only one women as a potential SEX partner. Has nothing to do with love for a lot of people. I have a gf and I would never tell her I look at porn and think about other women. Thats just disrespectful IMO. LOL but you do right? Yeah nice to see you have no problem being secretive to your gf (I assume you love??) about your porn viewing and masturbating about other women you think are hot. Way to outright lie to a person under the ridiculous umbrella of "respect". Sounds like your dishonesty will be a destroyer of hearts when found out than your claim to being a "respectful" partner, as a plus in your column. Honesty is ALWAYS best people. The OP's BF was honest and has not hid his pornographic needs from her. AKA on the level and NOT secretive on who he is. Edited August 21, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
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