chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) Ok this is a really tricky one. I've been dating a girl I've known for about three months now, we started as casual aquantences, but over the last two weeks we've been out three times, had sex several times, stayed at each other's houses, pretty much speaking every day at the moment... and I think things are really going well, she keeps telling me how happy she is and how amazing I am. Now the clanger, she applied to go on a dating tv show a while back (before anything happened between us), I've just found out (via facebook status) that she's just got an audition for the show this week, which it looks like she's going to attend. We're not officially a couple or anything, but I was kinda hoping/assuming it was heading that way, she hasn't done anything wrong I know, but I feel like I've been punched in the stomach reading that. I've not spoken to her about it, as I feel I have no right to, and if she wants to do it then she should, but I'm not sure to take it as a sign to back off a bit? Any advice appreciated. Edited August 14, 2010 by chocolate_boy
Sophia8 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Firstly, never assume anything. Secondly, speak to her about it. Let her know that you would like for the two of you to become an "official couple", after all she can not read your mind. She may only be considering going to this audition because she does not know where you stand. Plus, how do you know for definite whether she is attending the audition without actually asking her?
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Firstly, never assume anything. Secondly, speak to her about it. Let her know that you would like for the two of you to become an "official couple", after all she can not read your mind. She may only be considering going to this audition because she does not know where you stand. Plus, how do you know for definite whether she is attending the audition without actually asking her? Well saw on facebook she is asking her friend to go with her, so looks like she is going. I dunno, I just don't want to come across jealous/possessive so early you know, we've been out 3 times (but have known each other longer), I really really like her a lot and definitely would like her to be my girlfriend, but I didn't want to rush anything. I'm not sure what I could say to her? I know she applied to go on the show, because she mentioned it a few weeks back and laughed about it, and mentioned she did apply before she met me. Just seems awkward this came along now, I don't feel I have any right really to say anything, after all we're just dating... but it definitely feels like we're wanting to go further, we made plans to see each other next week. I know it's just a dumb tv show, but the idea of her going on dates with guys on tv makes me feel sick. My gut instinct til now was that things were going great, but this is making me think I should take my foot off the gas a little bit... Any more ideas be appreciated.
Left in a Lurch Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Well if she tells you when she is going on the audition, tell her good luck and that you have a date that same night but want to hear all about it the next day.
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) Well if she tells you when she is going on the audition, tell her good luck and that you have a date that same night but want to hear all about it the next day. Heh, well maybe, I wasn't planning on dating any body else, or playing any games. By the way, just to clarify my first post, we've known each other 3 months, but only been sleeping together/dating for 2.5 weeks, so it still seems far too early for me to say anything. We did like each other before, but I dunno, if she liked me as much as she says, would she go ahead with it, or is it a sign to back off? In all honesty, I like her a LOT, but I don't want to get hurt. Edited August 14, 2010 by chocolate_boy
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I must admit the idea of watching someone I like prancing around on TV gives me shudder and attention seeking is not always attractive but it's more than likely that she sees this as a bit of fun. talk to her. maybe she considered pulling out of the programme but feels she wants to experience it. .... erm actually, the more I think about this the more I think it would really annoy me if my SO did something similar. is she an attention seeker in general? what sort of person would go on a dating programme that's so public?
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I must admit the idea of watching someone I like prancing around on TV gives me shudder and attention seeking is not always attractive but it's more than likely that she sees this as a bit of fun. talk to her. maybe she considered pulling out of the programme but feels she wants to experience it. .... erm actually, the more I think about this the more I think it would really annoy me if my SO did something similar. is she an attention seeker in general? what sort of person would go on a dating programme that's so public? She's not really, she's really intelligent and nice actually, but she's gone on a few tv shows before, she said she was single and just applied for a laugh before. If I do talk to her, I just don't know how to approach it without coming off as jealous/possessive, because I feel I have absolutely no right to say anything at this stage...
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I feel I have absolutely no right to say anything at this stage... I don't think that's true. It sounds to me that you are a little scared to assert yourself. Watching someone you are dating being chatted up by other men must be really uncomfortable. I don't know many people that would enjoy this. Maybe you want to ask her whether she will admit to any of those men that she is currently seeing someone?
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) I don't think that's true. It sounds to me that you are a little scared to assert yourself. Watching someone you are dating being chatted up by other men must be really uncomfortable. I don't know many people that would enjoy this. Maybe you want to ask her whether she will admit to any of those men that she is currently seeing someone? Maybe that's true, but how do I even approach it without looking like mr needy/possessive? We have no "status", she's not my girlfriend at the moment, the last thing I want to do is come across pushy/needy at this delicate stage, that's a big turn off right? I just wanted us to continue seeing each other over the next few weeks and if/when it feels ready then become a couple, but naturally, last thing I want to do is push the point. It's not even been 3 weeks yet. And surely it should be up to her conscious? I really don't know, I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I'd really like to hear more views though. We last slept together just like 6 hours ago and she gave me a kiss and told me she was going to really miss me and hopes I'll come and see her next week, she sent me a few texts saying she wishes I was still in bed with her after I went home. Then I read this in the last hour. Edited August 14, 2010 by chocolate_boy
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I don't understand why you think you are being possessive? What do you mean you have no status? You have only been together for a short time but you are already having sex, for all intents and purposes you are seeing each other - even if she isn't your girlfriend yet. Do you really think it's right that she should be flirting with/being chatted up by other men when she is having sex with someone outside that programme? Whatever your values and judgement are on this, you should not be so scared to voice them! How is that needy?
Left in a Lurch Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Well I think even though it's early it tells you where you rank. She must know that if she goes it pretty much (should) mean the end of you two dating, so if she still goes no matter what happens she is willing to take the risk of moving on from you. Think about it like this; if you had 2 or 3 blind dates lined up for you before you two actually started dating and still chose to still go on those dates now after you started dating her, what would she think? That would be a strong indicator to her that you were still looking to see if you could find anyone better.
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I don't understand why you think you are being possessive? What do you mean you have no status? You have only been together for a short time but you are already having sex, for all intents and purposes you are seeing each other - even if she isn't your girlfriend yet. Do you really think it's right that she should be flirting with/being chatted up by other men when she is having sex with someone outside that programme? Whatever your values and judgement are on this, you should not be so scared to voice them! How is that needy? Maybe I just feel I've got no right to tell her what to do with her life, I dunno, if she was that into me would she even go ahead with it? I just don't know how to approach it is my point, I don't want to get angry or to come across upset. If she wasn't so brilliant in every other way I'd probably take this as a sign to back off and let her "drive" for a bit, wait til she texts me now etc. She knows how I feel about her by now. It's just really upsetting because I really really like her. Damn this is awkward.
Sophia8 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Personally I do not think that you are being needy or possessive by talking to her about this. It shows that you care and that you want something more out of the relationship. She could be going on the show because she is unsure of how you feel about her/whether you want a relationship, I know that she should talk to you about this but she may be similar to you in thinking that she has no right.
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Well I think even though it's early it tells you where you rank. She must know that if she goes it pretty much (should) mean the end of you two dating, so if she still goes no matter what happens she is willing to take the risk of moving on from you. Think about it like this; if you had 2 or 3 blind dates lined up for you before you two actually started dating and still chose to still go on those dates now after you started dating her, what would she think? That would be a strong indicator to her that you were still looking to see if you could find anyone better. I'm not too clear on the "rules of dating" though and we've never really discussed other people before, I personally have no desire to see anybody else at the moment as I'm really into her, but yeah you do have some very good points. What would you personally do in this situation?
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 it's not awkward. it's your not telling her that her going on a dating programme is an issue for you. you don't get angry or come across upset by having a rational conversation rather than an emotional one. you don't accuse her of anything, you just tell her how you feel in a calm and measured way. I appreciate men that are able to express their feelings and thoughts in an honest and mature way, that's a sign of strength. anyway, see what the others say.
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Personally I do not think that you are being needy or possessive by talking to her about this. It shows that you care and that you want something more out of the relationship. She could be going on the show because she is unsure of how you feel about her/whether you want a relationship, I know that she should talk to you about this but she may be similar to you in thinking that she has no right. How would I even approach the subject? Her audition is meant to be on monday, I wasn't planning on seeing her til midweek now...
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 it's not awkward. it's your not telling her that her going on a dating programme is an issue for you. you don't get angry or come across upset by having a rational conversation rather than an emotional one. you don't accuse her of anything, you just tell her how you feel in a calm and measured way. I appreciate men that are able to express their feelings and thoughts in an honest and mature way, that's a sign of strength. anyway, see what the others say. I think it's more the way I say something I'm concerned about, but I don't want to seem like I'm trying to control her, which it feels like if I say I don't like the idea of it.
Left in a Lurch Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 How would I even approach the subject? Her audition is meant to be on monday, I wasn't planning on seeing her til midweek now... I think a call and a simple, "I thought we were doing well and moving towards something but what does this mean for us?" is all you have to do. You know how to approach it, you just don't want to hear the answer she might give. Approach the subject or not, the problem will still be there so you might as well approach it.
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I think it's more the way I say something I'm concerned about, but I don't want to seem like I'm trying to control her, which it feels like if I say I don't like the idea of it. it only comes across as control if you tell her not to do it. if you explain to her calmly that it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's fine. that's all you need to do, you just have tell her your own perspective. it is equally as valid as her perspective
gsly Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Firstly, never assume anything. Secondly, speak to her about it. Let her know that you would like for the two of you to become an "official couple", after all she can not read your mind. She may only be considering going to this audition because she does not know where you stand. Plus, how do you know for definite whether she is attending the audition without actually asking her? you need to talk to her..if you think it's going to ruin it between you two tell her that you want to know if you are going to be official or not....if not i would just move on
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) you need to talk to her..if you think it's going to ruin it between you two tell her that you want to know if you are going to be official or not....if not i would just move on Seems everyone seems to think I need to talk to her then, maybe I do, I appreciate the advice. I mean monday is only an audition for the show, she's not actually got on yet, so no idea what that will entail, I didn't think she was the kind to play games in all honesty so I think maybe not knowing where she stands with me is true. It's just that pushing the subject of "are we official" seems so unromantic and totally not the way I usually do dating, generally I just know when the time is right and it happens naturally, I've never had to push it, and generally after just 2.5 weeks I wouldn't do that yet. I really like her a hell of a lot, but I'm not really wanting to make it "official" just yet, I'd let to get to know her more. I'm just worried being pushy might have the opposite effect and be a turn off, if she wants to be with me wouldn't it be better and sit back and let her do her thing and be with me if she really wants to be, if she asks my opinion on it/tells me then I'll give it. I dunno, either approach has its up and downsides. Edited August 14, 2010 by chocolate_boy
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I think a call and a simple, "I thought we were doing well and moving towards something but what does this mean for us?" is all you have to do. You know how to approach it, you just don't want to hear the answer she might give. Approach the subject or not, the problem will still be there so you might as well approach it. Again great advice. Need to figure this out, chances are I'm not going to speak to her before she does it though, it's Monday, unless I call.
a_woman Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I think your approach is a little heavy. just tell her that the idea of watching her on tv being chatted up by other men makes you feel uncomfortable because you like her. that's it. no need to get into the whole 'where are we' conversation. keep it simple and on topic.
Author chocolate_boy Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I think your approach is a little heavy. just tell her that the idea of watching her on tv being chatted up by other men makes you feel uncomfortable because you like her. that's it. no need to get into the whole 'where are we' conversation. keep it simple and on topic. Should I approach it before Monday then, or after the audition when I see her next week? I do like what you're saying, but I still feel it'll only be right if she actually tells me/asks my opinion, which so far she hasn't.
Sophia8 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 it only comes across as control if you tell her not to do it. if you explain to her calmly that it makes you feel uncomfortable then that's fine. that's all you need to do, you just have tell her your own perspective. it is equally as valid as her perspective I agree with this, this does not show that you are possessive. Just saying something along the lines of you saw on facebook that she has an audition and that this makes you uncomfortable because you were hoping... If I was just dating a guy and he said something along those lines to me I would listen to his opinion and go from there. However, if he said to me "you are not doing that" then that is a completely different story. I don't think any harm can come from mentioning how you feel to her as long as you remain calm, as already mentioned.
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