Whose side are you on, anyways?

[meerkat stew]

Can understand how you feel based on the added detail, my beef would be why is what he says conditioned on -who- he happens to be around at any given time?

 

That race based patronizing/stereotyping has to go, doesn't sound like a very cool crowd.

[OnlyJake]

Can understand how you feel based on the added detail, my beef would be why is what he says conditioned on -who- he happens to be around at any given time?

 

That race based patronizing/stereotyping has to go, doesn't sound like a very cool crowd.

 

That's what I said!! When he said that to me I was like, OK, so you're two-faced - you'll go on about how great someone is and then talk about them behind their back about how you really feel.

 

And he said "Yes, exactly!"

 

I was stunned into silence - had no response to that at the time. That's what we were arguing about - I feel like that's wrong and he feels like it's what one does to be "socially acceptable". In my book, if you don't have anything nice to say, you don't say anything at all. He thinks that's anti-social behavior (although maybe was being so ridiculous because he didn't want to admit I was right).

 

Now, a couple weeks later, I'm dwelling on all this. Wish I had pressed the issue at the time, but didn't and now every time he says something nice to me about ME, I'm questioning his credibility.

 

Also very disappointed in my friends - can't believe that their only response is, "Maybe you'll like her when you get to know her"

Edited August 18, 2010 by OnlyJake

[tigressA]

That's what I said!! When he said that to me I was like, OK, so you're two-faced - you'll go on about how great someone is and then talk about them behind their back about how you really feel.

 

And he said "Yes, exactly!"

 

I was stunned into silence - had no response to that at the time. That's what we were arguing about - I feel like that's wrong and he feels like it's what one does to be "socially acceptable". In my book, if you don't have anything nice to say, you don't say anything at all. He thinks that's anti-social behavior (although maybe was being so ridiculous because he didn't want to admit I was right).

 

Now, a couple weeks later, I'm dwelling on all this. Wish I had pressed the issue at the time, but didn't and now every time he says something nice to me about ME, I'm questioning his credibility.

 

Also very disappointed in my friends - can't believe that their only response is, "Maybe you'll like her when you get to know her"

 

What your boyfriend said is utterly ridiculous. This, IMO, is a big red flag. If I were in your shoes, I'd finish with him. At the very least, be cautious.

 

Has he met any of your family? Who knows, given what he's said here, he could have trashed them to some of his friends, or his own family, when you weren't around. Same goes with any friends of yours he's met. And, as you've already pointed out, same goes for you too. I would find it really, really difficult to trust anything that comes from this guy's mouth after hearing what he said.

Edited August 18, 2010 by tigressA

[stace79]

I feel like if someone treated me rudely, my BF would either begin to not like that person as much, or if it was a friend of his, he would try to find out why and clear the air. He wants me to get along with people who are his friends, and if they were not his friends, I don't think he'd go on about how great someone is after I expressed my frustration or hurt that s/he disrespected me.

 

For me, my SO is the most important person in my life. They become akin to family, and when I get married, they WILL be family. So if someone treats them rudely or with a lack of respect, they may as well treat me that way.

 

OP, I hate to say it, but by him saying you are insecure and jealous of Mary, I infer that he may have a crush on her or something. Might be innocent, but that would be my perception if I were you.

[meerkat stew]

(although maybe was being so ridiculous because he didn't want to admit I was right).

 

Probably some of the above. People are often most defensive when they got nothing and get cornered.

 

Don't know if this rises to dumping offense yet, if the fake behavior continues or the race comments, consider exit plans. You have had your say on both at this point, so if and how he changes his behavior going forward makes for a good test. People make mistakes, I sure do (or at least pretend like I do to be socially accepted ). See if his behavior changes before dump.

 

As my mother says, "If you have one you don't utterly hate and want to see dead, stick to them because that's hard to find."

[Eeyore79]

It's unacceptable for your bf to rave about how awesome another woman is, and even worse if he does it in front of you, and even worse again if you dislike that particular woman. If he was sensible, he'd just keep his opinion to himself since you already told him you don't like Mary. While you can't expect him to agree with your opinion of her, he should at least respect your opinion enough to not rub his liking of her in your face.

 

If Mary had made a racist comment about me, she would not be welcome at an event I was hosting. I'd probably still allow her to come though, just to give her a second chance and so as not to rock the boat with everyone else. However I would find time to take her to one side and make it clear that I was offended by what she said last time we met, and express my wish that it not happen again.

[Clep]

That's what I said!! When he said that to me I was like, OK, so you're two-faced - you'll go on about how great someone is and then talk about them behind their back about how you really feel.

 

And he said "Yes, exactly!"

 

I was stunned into silence - had no response to that at the time. That's what we were arguing about - I feel like that's wrong and he feels like it's what one does to be "socially acceptable". In my book, if you don't have anything nice to say, you don't say anything at all. He thinks that's anti-social behavior (although maybe was being so ridiculous because he didn't want to admit I was right).

 

Now, a couple weeks later, I'm dwelling on all this. Wish I had pressed the issue at the time, but didn't and now every time he says something nice to me about ME, I'm questioning his credibility.

 

Also very disappointed in my friends - can't believe that their only response is, "Maybe you'll like her when you get to know her"

 

I remember being in a situation just like this before. My ex bf's friends could have said and done anything and it was okay. One of his friends actually threw a bottle of water at me from across the bar and hit me in the side of the head. I had a large lump. The next day I caught him calling him to make sure things were okay with them. I was done with him that day needless to say. He had just moved in to my house, and was promptly moved out.

 

Looking back there were lots of signs that this was not a person who was right for me. He talked about his friends behind their backs often, they all did about each other. They were seriously lacking in values.

 

I fought if for a while much like you are now, trying to get him to see how distorted their thinking was. It just wasn't worth my time.

 

My ex found being socially accepted to be more important than many things including a positive relationship with a significant other, regardless of whether that was me or someone else.

 

It has become apparent to me that you cannot trust what he says to match what he feels, and trust has broken down. Trust really is the foundation of a relationship and it seems your foundation has crumbled. Do you think you can rebuild that on your own, as it seems he is unwilling to aid in that.