Whose side are you on, anyways?

[OnlyJake]

Been seeing someone the last several months and would like some opinions and points of view on a conflict we had a few weeks ago.

 

I had met this girl (Mary) through mutual friends. Did not care for Mary, because she was horrifically rude to me: I introduced myself to her and her response to me was a blank look then she turned away. When she left I said it had been nice to meet her and she looked at me and didn't say anything. So, I don't like her, but haven't spent any amount of time contemplating her or the situation; it's not on my radar.

 

The day after I met Mary my BF asked me who had been at the event I met her at. I told him, and when I mentioned Mary's name he said "Oh I love Mary, she's great!" (Yes, he was that enthusiastic; no I'm not jealous.) I told him that everyone seems to think she's so great, but I just don't see it, and in fact she was rude and disrespectful to me, and I told him about her snubbing me. Will also mention that my BF has only met Mary once; they are not friends. He didn't have anything to say about Mary's douche-y behavior.

 

Fast forward to the conflict we had. We were out one night, Mary was not there, but the friends who introduced me to her were. Somehow Mary's name came up ("Mary's moving to a new place") and BF started raving about how awesome Mary is - there was really no need for him to say anything along those lines. He could have commented on the matter at hand, or said nothing at all.

 

The next day BF and I had words about this. I explained that I want a BF who is on my side, and that he is free to have his own opinion of Mary; however since she disrespected me I prefer for him to keep that opinion to himself to show that he is on my side, rather than raving about how great he thinks she is in front of the same people who saw her snub me.

 

BF accused me of being jealous of Mary, said that I am a deeply insecure person, and he will do whatever he wants, that I am ridiculous and don't have a leg to stand on with my point of view.

 

He insists that he understands what I was saying but that I am wrong. I don't think it's possible for him to say that if he actually does understand my point of view.

 

Thoughts? Anyone been in a similar situation? Best way to handle?

[OnlyJake]

Sers-ly???

[collegeguy_24]

Your BF is being rude and disrespectful, tell him that if he continues to be disrespectful to you and your relationship together and tat if he continues to act like a raving loon instead of actually thinking about his actions, you'll dump him. You need someone who can show respect to you and your relationship, if he can't do that, dump him for someone who will.

[a_woman]

from this post I'd say loyalty is not your boyfriend's strong point

[TaraMaiden]

Oh Good grief....

if you can't be in a relationship and have opposite opinions about something, then really, you need to examine your issues.

 

Your BF has as much right to his own opinion as you have. he wasn't there when this snubbing incident occurred, and as such, no matter what his input or depth of experience, he has a right to his own opinion.

My partner and I differ on a lot of matters.

Some of them quite important, others as trite as potato chips...

And thank goodness for that!

I would hate him to tacitly appear to agree with everything I say in public, even though he might disagree in private...

That smacks of hypocrisy.

I can take care of myself.

I am entitled to like or dislike people he knows, and he's fully entitled to like or dislike people I know.

But we both do this for our own reasons.

Not out of any sense of loyalty, or because the other expects us to....

 

Life will not always bring you a partner or spouse who agrees with you on everything, or even supports you in everything.

This shows people have a mind of their own.

Does he feel affronted or put out that you DON'T like her?

is he trying to persuade you you're wrong?

 

I see his side of the discussion is far more logical and realistic than yours.

[collegeguy_24]

Oh Good grief....

if you can't be in a relationship and have opposite opinions about something, then really, you need to examine your issues.

 

Your BF has as much right to his own opinion as you have. he wasn't there when this snubbing incident occurred, and as such, no matter what his input or depth of experience, he has a right to his own opinion.

My partner and I differ on a lot of matters.

Some of them quite important, others as trite as potato chips...

And thank goodness for that!

I would hate him to tacitly appear to agree with everything I say in public, even though he might disagree in private...

That smacks of hypocrisy.

I can take care of myself.

I am entitled to like or dislike people he knows, and he's fully entitled to like or dislike people I know.

But we both do this for our own reasons.

Not out of any sense of loyalty, or because the other expects us to....

 

Life will not always bring you a partner or spouse who agrees with you on everything, or even supports you in everything.

This shows people have a mind of their own.

Does he feel affronted or put out that you DON'T like her?

is he trying to persuade you you're wrong?

 

I see his side of the discussion is far more logical and realistic than yours.

 

Its one thing to have differing opinions, thats a part of life, its something else when not only he doesn't even try to think of a reason as to why the snubbing occurred, but instead of thinking he goes against his SO and calls her insecure and just insult her. He is acting like an ass, from the sounds of things he never even tried to think, he just automatically called his SO insecure. What is your argument based on? Did you read the entire post?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I did.

She started it.....

 

She met mary first.

She had the cold-shoulder treatment.

She then tokld BF.

His opinion was that he got on with her and thought her nice.

She then opines that she doesn't think Mary's all that.

he likes her, she doesn't.

 

Really, what is the big deal?

 

Is it a deal-breaker?

Can people not have different opinions on people without making ab huge issue out of it?

 

I want a BF who is on my side, and that he is free to have his own opinion of Mary; however since she disrespected me I prefer for him to keep that opinion to himself to show that he is on my side, rather than raving about how great he thinks she is in front of the same people who saw her snub me.

 

Sounds a bit petulant and controlling, to me...

I don't mind if he has his own opinion, providing he backs me up when I say I don't like her....?

 

I mean, really....?

I guess at 54, I have different priorities to someone so much younger than I.... Maybe in time she will see this as trivia, or she might not.

But really, from my perspective, it really isn't something to get so hung up about.....

And all posts are personal insight, when all is said and done.....

[OnlyJake]

TaraMaiden, if you don't mind, could you explain this a little more to me? You've stated your opinion and preference, but since I feel differently I need a little more clarification to understand where you're coming from.

 

Also, I don't care that he has a different opinion than I do about Mary. He doesn't have to hate her, or even dislike her. My issue has nothing to do with how he feels about or perceives Mary. The only reason I pointed out in my post that BF has only met Mary once is because I would have handled the situation differently if she were a friend of his.

 

Oh Good grief....

if you can't be in a relationship and have opposite opinions about something, then really, you need to examine your issues.

 

Your BF has as much right to his own opinion as you have. he wasn't there when this snubbing incident occurred, and as such, no matter what his input or depth of experience, he has a right to his own opinion.

My partner and I differ on a lot of matters.

Some of them quite important, others as trite as potato chips...

And thank goodness for that!

I would hate him to tacitly appear to agree with everything I say in public, even though he might disagree in private...

That smacks of hypocrisy.

I can take care of myself.

I am entitled to like or dislike people he knows, and he's fully entitled to like or dislike people I know.

But we both do this for our own reasons.

Not out of any sense of loyalty, or because the other expects us to....

 

Life will not always bring you a partner or spouse who agrees with you on everything, or even supports you in everything.

This shows people have a mind of their own.

Does he feel affronted or put out that you DON'T like her?

is he trying to persuade you you're wrong?

 

I see his side of the discussion is far more logical and realistic than yours.

[OnlyJake]

I guess we crossed posts.

 

Yes, I did.

She started it.....

 

She met mary first.

She had the cold-shoulder treatment.

She then tokld BF.

His opinion was that he got on with her and thought her nice.

She then opines that she doesn't think Mary's all that.

he likes her, she doesn't.

 

Really, what is the big deal?

 

Is it a deal-breaker?

Can people not have different opinions on people without making ab huge issue out of it?

 

 

 

Sounds a bit petulant and controlling, to me...

I don't mind if he has his own opinion, providing he backs me up when I say I don't like her....?

 

I mean, really....?

I guess at 54, I have different priorities to someone so much younger than I.... Maybe in time she will see this as trivia, or she might not.

But really, from my perspective, it really isn't something to get so hung up about.....

And all posts are personal insight, when all is said and done.....

I did not say in public that I do not like her. I was, however, embarrassed that BF went out of his way to go on about a girl who disrespected me, in front of the people who saw her disrespect me. Several of them made comments to me later about it.

 

I am interested in understanding where you're coming from, but I'm just not getting it.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, let me try to clarify, because I'm obviously coming across as unkind and uncaring, and I don't mean to be....

And I do get where you're coming from.

Let's see.....

 

we cannot expect everybody to loyally back us up no matter what, if their perception is different to ours.

No matter how wrong we believe people to be if their viewpoint clashes with ours, their opinion comes from a different angle, and a different perspective, and so is based largely on their own experience.

It's difficult, and at times, unreasonable to expect them to support us on basically, what we tll them happened, if this differs from their experience.

 

It's possible that when your BF met Mary, she was thoroughly nice, and she made an impact on him, in that way.

The mutual friends who introduced you to Mary obviously also have differing opinions....

 

Let me ask you...

Does anyone in this circle, agree with you, and uphold your opinion of Mary?

Has anyone else had a seriously negative experience with her?

is there any way you might be able to discuss this with her, and see what her behaviour towards you was based on?

 

You see, there are other perspectives other than the ones you have presented.

I'm not for one second calling you a liar.

Not at all.

But I do know, from experience, that if you as 6 different people, who all witnessed the same incident, to give an account of it, the stories will all differ a little, even though the gist of the central "plot" may be the same, because people naturally add their own perspective.....

 

Perception is often DEception..... Maybe widening your area of perspective, may give your BF more ground, but it may help your situation too....

 

...Is that any better?

[OnlyJake]

...

...Is that any better?

 

That does help clarify things for me, thanks for taking the time to respond.

 

The other people who saw what happened all really like Mary, and noticed what happened, but took the attitude of "That was weird. Maybe you'll like her when you get to know her." Personally, at this point I'm not interested in getting to know her; however I will be hosting an event in my home at which she will be present in a couple of weeks, and so of course will act friendly toward her.

 

Maybe getting snubbed bothers me more than I think it does, as I thought BF's response was out of line:

 

Friend: "Mary is moving to a new place."

BF: "Really? Seriously, I love Mary, she's the coolest girl ever. Mary is so awesome."

 

If someone asked BF what he thought of Mary, or everyone in the group was loving on Mary, OK, if that's what he thinks, fine.

 

But when I'm standing there, and that's not what we're talking about, him not sticking to "Oh really, where/why is she moving?" or something to that effect felt more like he was rubbing my face in it.

 

On a side note, which I didn't put in the OP so as not to confuse the situation, BF then called me out in front of everyone by immediately following his comment with "OnlyJake doesn't like Mary." Which no one had to know, in my opinion.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh dear....It get's 'better' doesn't it?

 

Well (and it's just my perception of your post! ) but I don't think your BF sounds as if he was being disloyal.

 

What I do think, is that he was baiting you, and yanking your chain.

It sounds as if he was trying to rub your nose in it, and embarrass you in front of the group, which is not so much disloyal as frankly, immature and childish...

 

It's like the 8-year-old boy you like at school, (You're 6, ok?) finding out you're squeamish about snails, so keeping one in his pocket to pull out in front of others so they can all see you jump, and think you're being silly....

 

He's deflecting his idiotic behaviour onto you, because actually, he doesn't know what he's talking about, but he wants you to look the idiot, not him....

 

How am I reading this?

[carhill]

Wading through, OP, did Mary know you were BF's GF, perhaps through other channels, like mutual friends? The answer might be buried somewhere but I couldn't see it.

 

If so, the disparity in perception might be the result of planetary behavior theory, aligning your BF as a potential orbiter. Causing friction in the relationship, even superficial friction, aligning with his fond remembrances of their meeting, can be reinforced into orbiter status.

 

I can say, having experienced some similar same-gender behaviors in my M, the non-prioritizing of the primary relationship caused, over time, my detachment from it. Accept BF's behaviors, set your boundary, and decide, over a timeline, if consistent, if that is compatible behavior to you. If it is an anomaly, then the boundary will be sufficient. A reasonable one would be to keep your agreements or disagreements about 'liking' certain people private rather than public.

[collegeguy_24]

Next time your BF does something like that, pull him aside or wait till later that evening and demand to know why he purposely embarrass you. If he refuses to respond or if he gives a wrong answer, tell him your are done with him. Your BF sounds like he is immature, and you want a relationship where your BF is not like that.

 

But I have always, and will always say, try to communicate with him first, as I am a firm believer that communication is key. If he refuses, you have to decide how to proceed.

[OnlyJake]

OK, I'm definitely bothered by this girl the more I think about it. Not only did she snub me, but she didn't say a word to me all night when I met her (in a group of 7 people). She did, however, speak OF me, in my presence to the rest of the group. I'm not comfortable stating exactly what she said, but it was equivalent to saying "She's just like all the other black people I know!"

[TaraMaiden]

And so the picture builds.... (I'm beginning to see more, now....)

 

Is your BF black?

Does he realise he's speaking about a potentially racist person?

 

And you're thinking of hosting an event where she will be attending?

You're not comfortable with that at all....are you?

[that girl]

I do think you're boyfriend should be on your side with the big issues, like if a girl had slept with your ex while you were with him. But what Mary did, while rude could have just been shyness or crossed signals. I wouldn't be looking to hang out with her after that, but I wouldn't strongly dislike her either.

 

What I think is strange is that your boyfriend thinks she is soooooo awesome after meeting her once. I don't get that and it almost makes me think he is into her unless she is a ninja or something.

[that girl]

it was equivalent to saying "She's just like all the other black people I know!"

Oh my!

 

I'm assuming your boyfriend is not black, but did he hear this directly? If so, I think you need to have a serious conversation about race with him.

 

If he didn't, you still need to have a talk but I think it might be that you aren't expressing yourself clearly to him. At least I had a totally different read of the situation from the inital post to this one.

[zengirl]

Let me start this out by saying that if my SO disliked someone whom I knew only casually and thought was cool, I might say something once and/or if asked, but I'd likely just keep it to myself. No reason to make anything out of it, as I care for my SO more than expressing this needless opinion constantly. I have many more opinions to express. Now, if the same SO kept bringing up said HATRED of whatever "Mary" it was, I'd find that as tedious as if I kept bringing up my praise. Basically, I think in most of my relationships these sort of issues would resolve itself as a "basic agree-to-disagree but why talk about it if it bugs you?" kind of thing.

 

I had met this girl (Mary) through mutual friends. Did not care for Mary, because she was horrifically rude to me: I introduced myself to her and her response to me was a blank look then she turned away. When she left I said it had been nice to meet her and she looked at me and didn't say anything. So, I don't like her, but haven't spent any amount of time contemplating her or the situation; it's not on my radar.

 

That's just strange behavior, considering others find her socially acceptable. It is odd that she was entirely mute with you. Apparently, as things worked out, you have spent a lot of time contemplating and thinking about Mary, though, or we wouldn't be here; let's just admit it. Ah. . . but the racial issues brought up later make some sense of it, and yes, that makes more sense.

 

The day after I met Mary my BF asked me who had been at the event I met her at. I told him, and when I mentioned Mary's name he said "Oh I love Mary, she's great!" (Yes, he was that enthusiastic; no I'm not jealous.) I told him that everyone seems to think she's so great, but I just don't see it, and in fact she was rude and disrespectful to me, and I told him about her snubbing me. Will also mention that my BF has only met Mary once; they are not friends. He didn't have anything to say about Mary's douche-y behavior.

Her name came up, and he expressed his opinion. That's fairly natural. A lot of other people also find her great, so it's not some random fixation on his part. I, personally, wouldn't expect a BF (especially a new-ish one) to get all uppity about some girl not talking to me. I mean, I wouldn't want him to keep raving about how great she was after I expressed my frustration, but sharing his opinion that she seemed cool, and letting me share my experience. . . that'd be normal. And then we'd move on.

 

I don't expect my SO to dislike everyone I dislike or feel angry when somebody snubs me. I mean, if it were his friend who snubbed me, I'd want him to feel sympathetic and do what he could -- if anything -- to fix the situation and make things more comfortable for everyone, not discounting my feelings. But if it's just some random acquaintance, I don't need it to inspire any kind of ire in him. I also don't like people who feel the need to rant and rant about something minor that happened, personally. I know some people do that, but neither myself, nor anyone I'd date is one of them.

 

Fast forward to the conflict we had. We were out one night, Mary was not there, but the friends who introduced me to her were. Somehow Mary's name came up ("Mary's moving to a new place") and BF started raving about how awesome Mary is - there was really no need for him to say anything along those lines. He could have commented on the matter at hand, or said nothing at all.

Now, this depends what raving means. And how long it went on. Generally, if my SO is raving about some random girl he hardly knows, I'm going to raise an eyebrow in general (He's met her once; how much can there be to rave about?). But if he just said something nice about her briefly or something, not a big deal. Without knowing what he said, I've no idea if I'd find it inappropriate.

 

The next day BF and I had words about this. I explained that I want a BF who is on my side, and that he is free to have his own opinion of Mary; however since she disrespected me I prefer for him to keep that opinion to himself to show that he is on my side, rather than raving about how great he thinks she is in front of the same people who saw her snub me.

I think he might be wrong for raving about her, depending on what he said. And he might be a bit inconsiderate for not noticing your feelings. And one would certainly hope he'd respect your feelings now that he knows.

 

But you've also put him in a place where it's nearly impossible to respect your feelings because you're wrong for telling him he should keep his contrary opinions to himself or that it's about some kind of "side."

 

Here's what I would have said, if it really bothered me: "Hey, I know it's silly, but I was kind of hurt and put off when Mary snubbed me --- remember, I told you --- so it kind of hurts me when you rave about her good qualities." Demanding people not express their opinions is wrong, and rather pointless. Saying how it makes you feel and letting them decide your feelings are more important than those minor opinions is pretty natural.

 

BF accused me of being jealous of Mary, said that I am a deeply insecure person, and he will do whatever he wants, that I am ridiculous and don't have a leg to stand on with my point of view.

You both sound like you're communicating badly. You've backed each other into corners. The only way out is for one person to start being mature about it, and I suggest it be you. Apologize for the ultimatum and demands, and approach it as your feelings. Admit that feelings --- including yours --- can sometimes be irrational (this is true of the feelings men and women both have), but there's no helping that. It's just how you feel. You'll try to be less ardent about it, but it still hurts you when he says things like he did at dinner the other night. And say you chose him as a boyfriend because you believed he was a good guy who could try to understand and respect your feelings and not want to hurt you.

 

Friend: "Mary is moving to a new place."

BF: "Really? Seriously, I love Mary, she's the coolest girl ever. Mary is so awesome."

 

Yes, if he literally said those words. That would be weird to me. EVEN if I liked Mary. First of all, it's a weird segue in general. Second of all, most men know better than to call any other gal "the coolest girl ever" when they're in a few-month-old relationship. I'm not a jealous person, but I'd think that was designed for a response. Especially since he knew about the incident you had.

Edited August 14, 2010 by zengirl

[OnlyJake]

BF is aware of the comment Mary made...as are other friends, as they are the ones she was speaking to.

 

For some reason no one else seems bothered, or to think it's a big deal.

[threebyfate]

Sounds like it's time to turn the mirror onto your b/f. Are there any guys in your social network he can't stand?

[OnlyJake]

Sounds like it's time to turn the mirror onto your b/f. Are there any guys in your social network he can't stand?

 

As a matter of fact, there is. I have refrained from making unnecessarily flattering comments about this person in his presence as a matter of respect. Seems obvious to me that one just doesn't do that.

[threebyfate]

Mirror, mirror. I'd be curious how your b/f would react, if the shoe was on the other foot. If he reacts negatively, do mention his control, jealousy and insecurity issues.

[meerkat stew]

Have you considered Jakey, that there's... just...

 

Something about Mary?

 

Sorry, couldn't resist. More detail needed on the "black people all alike" comment, is it possible you only met this girl once and are trying to dig her grave deeper? What -exactly- did she say? If you already posted it I apologize for missing it.

 

Reason I ask is when reading your OP, it struck me as exactly what happened to me on Friday. I walked into a fast food restaurant hung over after way too much drink on Thurs. night. No shower, mentally unhinged, eminently scruffy, and lo and behold I run into three friends and someone I didn't know, a woman... named... Mary (swear to god).

 

They introduced me to her and I hardly acknowledged her because I was embarrassed at my disheveled state. She was gracious, made eye contact, and laughed at my bad jokes. I didn't look her in the eye. It was a surprise and insecurity problem -of mine- that caused rudeness. I didn't even look at her when saying goodbye, just slunk off into the day. Is there any possibility of something like this? Is it possible that she feels a similar fondness (platonic) for your BF and got flummoxed and a little nervous when meeting you? If not possible, I got nothing else mitigating that rudeness of hers. She was just plain rude.

 

To the BF issue, c'mon, you are an independent sort who likes same in a man. Is there some insecurity that is causing you to actually -think- you want him "yes manning" you on these kinds of things? It just doesn't sound like the Jakey I remember. Don't mean to sound like I'm picking on you, probably just need more detail. Clarify, does he make an -issue- of disagreeing with you defiantly? or is he just expressing his natural, honest opinion. If you feel the former, there's likely to be trouble on other fronts, if the latter, is this so bad? You can go get a doormat at Walmart for $3 if that's what you want

[OnlyJake]

Word for word what Mary said was "She's just like all the other black people I know!" except replace "black" with something else...it amounts to the same idea though...for some reason I'm so paranoid about posting this online.

 

When BF and I were talking about this (after I got angry at him) he said that he's only met Mary once, doesn't really know her, etc., but that when we're in a group of her friends he's going to say nice things about her. I guess that's why I'm so angry about it, because if he really doesn't give a flip about her, and she's clearly a huge douchebag toward someone he DOES care about, I don't understand the need to bull**** her friends about how great he thinks she is (since that's supposedly not what he really thinks), when it's perfectly acceptable to just keep his mouth shut.

 

And there's no way that she was just feeling awkward...she was perfectly groomed, had been planning on attending this event, knew I would be there (don't know if she knew who I was), and she treated one other person the exact same way. So out of group of 7 people, she treated 1/3 of us like complete trash for no apparent reason.

 

I think I'm just so offended and bothered that NO ONE else (aside from the other person treated like crap) thinks there's anything wrong with what this bitch said. In what world are they all living that it's OK to say things that completely invalidate another person?

Edited August 17, 2010 by OnlyJake