Cuccoon Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Hi. I'm new to this forum, and new to dating after a nine year marriage. We've been broken up one and a half years and I'm finally starting to get out there! Met a nice guy - a friend of a friend, who asked me out at a party. I let him call me, he asked me out for the following weekend. We had a really nice date. He seems very sincere, interested in me, sensitive, open, we had a great time. He treated me well, took me out, and we had a nice good night kiss. The next day I couldn't remember if I affirmed that I had a great time, so I left a voicemail later the next afternoon saying thank you and I had a nice time. We had talked on the date about him potentially joining my friends to a show next Thursday, so I confirmed on the vm that if he cared to join us, I'd get him a ticket. That was Sunday afternoon, and here it is Tuesday night and i"ve heard no response. He seemed interested in me and in potentially dating - asking me lots of questions about myself and my life, and bringing up adventures he'd like to share with "someone" in the future. But then why hasn't he responded? Did I scare him away? My best friend told me she would have told him at the end of the date what a nice time she had and left it at that. She said should would see it as a red flag if we got too close too fast. So here's my question - do you think I acted too soon? I was trying to be polite and show interest without pressure - but perhaps I shouldn't have called? I'm going ahead with my plans with friends this Thursday, and assuming he won't join me. I've decided that if he doesn't call within a week of the first date, I will move on, no regrets. What do you all think? I like this guy and see potential, I don't want to screw it up! I also am so unsure about how to do this dating thing after being married for almost a decade! Any words of support would be greatly appreciated!
Serenitynow Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Advice . . dont listen to your friends. They only think they know. 99% of the time, they will tell you to play games with the guy. Be yourself. Dont act a certain way just for your date. It is absolutley useless to wonder WHY a date doesnt contact you back. He could be married, he could have a gf, he may have lost interest after the date, he may have other options, etc etc. He knows you are interested. Just sit back and wait. DO NOT contact him again. The ball is in his court. .
Fouts Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Serenitynow gave good advice. Did you screw up, scare him away, call to soon? Absolutely not. He may not be interested in pursuing you for whatever reason, but you can't control that. Always be yourself, do what feels right to YOU. You left him a nice message and asked him out on Thursday. If you don't hear from him by then, write him off and move on to the next. Don't worry, things haven't changed in romance since forever, let alone a decade
Author Cuccoon Posted August 11, 2010 Author Posted August 11, 2010 You both confirmed my feeling. I was straightforward and honest - hey I had a great time and would like to see him again! I guess there isn't much wrong with that - honesty is good. Beyond that, who knows why he hasn't called and it's only been the dreaded "three days" so I may still hear from him. If not, it's too bad because he seemed like a good catch, but a better attitude would be - "Too bad for him!" right?
tami-chan Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 You both confirmed my feeling. I was straightforward and honest - hey I had a great time and would like to see him again! I guess there isn't much wrong with that - honesty is good. Beyond that, who knows why he hasn't called and it's only been the dreaded "three days" so I may still hear from him. If not, it's too bad because he seemed like a good catch, but a better attitude would be - "Too bad for him!" right? Absolutely! You have to believe that!
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 No, you didn't screw up. If he is interested - he will call back. All games and chase is BS.
BiAxident Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Well, hopefully you had a good time at the show. If nothing else, take solace in the fact that you have a social circle of friends to go see a show with. Some of us *cough* dont even have that.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 I guess what I wonder is - maybe I screwed up by inviting him with my friends? Do men prefer to lead and make the plans? Was that too forward of me? And yes, I had fun tonight at the show with my friends. THX
Dblock10 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 no you didnt screw up. this guy may have changed his mind about you or have other options on his plate so to speak
Gallaxia Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I guess what I wonder is - maybe I screwed up by inviting him with my friends? Do men prefer to lead and make the plans? Was that too forward of me? And yes, I had fun tonight at the show with my friends. THX It's good you had a great time! But now you have to be prepared in case he does call again. Because there's a good chance he'll try to contact you now, with a reason as to why he didn't/couldn't get back to you. Have you considered how you'll react to that? It'll potentially set the tone there on out.
Chocolat Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with what you did. It all comes down to what sort of man you want to be with. Do you want to be with someone who has a set of rules about when and how you contact him? Or do you want to be with a man who would be happy to hear from you the next day? I want to be with the latter kind of guy, so if I called and he did not respond, this would be good information as it suggests we are not right for each other (for any number of reasons). Do what is natural for you and look for guys whose natural responses sync up to your own.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 echoing previous posters - you didn't screw up! matter of fact, most guys love getting confirmation that a girl is into them. quit with the games tho - reach out once more and if he dodges, consider writing him off (his loss, like you said). shoot him a text and wait 24 hours. if he can't find 30 seconds to send a reply, he's very likely engaged elsewhere. all the best.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 (edited) Thank everyone, you are right. As to the last poster - since I called him last Sunday, isn't a text a bit pushy? I mean, I already showed I was interested. What would you recommend? Good call on the "what kind of guy do you want to be with". You are right. I want someone who I can be honest with and so I was honest. If that freaks him out, not my problem. Thanks for reminding me it's about finding what I want, not being what they want! As for preparing what to say if he does call. Yea, I have thought of it but am not sure. Any advice how to "set the tone?" Iif he was just busy or taking it slow but still interested, i'd be open to going out again. Does this make me seem "too available" = needy? If he isn't into me, that's ok too. I hate not knowing! So he knows I'm interested. And he seemed quite interested on the date, so if he returns with interest I thought I'd just be casual and friendly, asking how he's doing, etc. But in no way would I say "Wondered why I didn't hear from you" - or "Was it something I said?" although I have thought about saying it. IT's just confusing when someone seems sincere and honest and truly into you and then disappears. Further advice welcome, you are all helping my perspective so much thank you! Edited August 13, 2010 by Cuccoon
Feelin Frisky Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Thank everyone, you are right. As to the last poster - since I called him last Sunday, isn't a text a bit pushy? I mean, I already showed I was interested. What would you recommend? Good call on the "what kind of guy do you want to be with". You are right. I want someone who I can be honest with and so I was honest. If that freaks him out, not my problem. Thanks for reminding me it's about finding what I want, not being what they want! As for preparing what to say if he does call. Yea, I have thought of it but am not sure. Any advice how to "set the tone?" Iif he was just busy or taking it slow but still interested, i'd be open to going out again. Does this make me seem "too available" = needy? If he isn't into me, that's ok too. I hate not knowing! So he knows I'm interested. And he seemed quite interested on the date, so if he returns with interest I thought I'd just be casual and friendly, asking how he's doing, etc. But in no way would I say "Wondered why I didn't hear from you" - or "Was it something I said?" although I have thought about saying it. IT's just confusing when someone seems sincere and honest and truly into you and then disappears. Further advice welcome, you are all helping my perspective so much thank you! Yes. Do NOT text the guy. I assume you left a short message expressing your sentiment for a nice time and not a "get back to me as soon as you get this message" type of thingy. If it was just an expression of good feeling and not tilted toward getting an immediate response then let it be what it is. I only think you can blow it if you keep second-guessing yourself and start appearing "needy". Part of romance is wanting and NOT knowing. Expect him to make the move and you'll know that it just wasn't meant to be if he doesn't initiate. You didn't louse it up but you still could if you start texting the dude.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Good call, Frisky. Someone recommended I text him but I don't think so because yes, I left a brief vm thanking him. We had discussed on our date him coming to a particular show with my friends and I. I simply asked if I should get him a ticket - it was just a follow up. I didn't want to assume he'd go just because we discussed it. That's why I was confused, he seemed interested in going with us, and we talked on the phone three times last week, and it had come up a few times (we met at a theatre show put on by the same group of people as this weeks show). I don't know why he didn't just call and say he was busy. Argh! Oh well, for now, the ball has been placed in his court so I feel he needs to call. I know he is busy, working fulltime and in school...but it's still suspect. Oh well.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 PLease keep the spam off my thread~! Thank you.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Well it's been a week since the fantastic date. I'm really disappointed and sad, but I erased the guy's number from my phone. I really hoped to hear from him, but I feel like a fool waiting any longer. I can take a hint. I think I"m going to wait a while before dating again. I forgot how heartbreaking this can be. I really thought he was into me, talking about potential future dates, etc...chemistry was there, he seemed really positive and interested in me. Guess I was wrong. Guess he was actually a player. Rats.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Ugh, gave up on the guy, but the longing returns. I still feel something for him! What a doofus I am to be hung up on someone I had just one date with and who hasn't called me back. So now I'm struggling with not texting him again. I start to convince myself he's "just shy" but the opposite may be true - he may be a player! So help me here people, I shouldn't text him right? I gave him the last call eight days ago so it's his turn right? I should just move on right? ARG!
sugarmomma Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) you only had one date and you have to focus on not investing too much emotionally so soon. Personally i would be turned off by his shadyness. he's a flake and a rude one at that. He is trying to determine how much of his rude behavior will be acceptable to you. if you contact him in essence that's like saying that his ignoring you was okay. STAY STRONG. The feeling will pass believe me. I just went through this. We had amazing chemistry and Poof! I didn't bite the bait now I rarely think about him and one day I won't at all. He ignored your vm. Follow his lead. Abort the mission!!! Edited August 17, 2010 by sugarmomma
D-Lish Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Good call, Frisky. Someone recommended I text him but I don't think so because yes, I left a brief vm thanking him. We had discussed on our date him coming to a particular show with my friends and I. I simply asked if I should get him a ticket - it was just a follow up. I didn't want to assume he'd go just because we discussed it. That's why I was confused, he seemed interested in going with us, and we talked on the phone three times last week, and it had come up a few times (we met at a theatre show put on by the same group of people as this weeks show). I don't know why he didn't just call and say he was busy. Argh! Oh well, for now, the ball has been placed in his court so I feel he needs to call. I know he is busy, working fulltime and in school...but it's still suspect. Oh well. It's NOT suspect. The harsh truth is that he would reach out to you if he was truly interested. Put the shoe on the other foot, if you were enthusiastic about someone, wouldnt you be able to find time to text them back? It takes 30 seconds... And that's if you're slow on the keyboard. Don't consent to being an option- strive to be the prize.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Ok peeps! Thanks for setting me straight. I was having a moment of weakness last night, now I"m back on track. THanks for the support! MOvin on...
Philetus Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Ugh, gave up on the guy, but the longing returns. I still feel something for him! What a doofus I am to be hung up on someone I had just one date with and who hasn't called me back. So now I'm struggling with not texting him again. I start to convince myself he's "just shy" but the opposite may be true - he may be a player! So help me here people, I shouldn't text him right? I gave him the last call eight days ago so it's his turn right? I should just move on right? ARG! Obviously, I don't know your full situation but is it possible that you're not hung up on HIM but hung up on the feeling you got while with him? If that's the case, it's good news because you're ready to date again. You've moved on from you decade long marriage. FTR - I was married for 20 years before diving back into the dating pool. I got hung up on the first woman I dated, too. When she said she 'wanted to be friends', I was really dejected because I'd felt something. That something turned out to be joy of meeting someone, that butterfly in the stomach feeling and had nothing to do with her. As soon as I had my next successful date, I'd forgotten all about her. You've gotten great advice on this thread. Don't compromise, be yourself, and realize there's a lot of jerks out there. Single men are often single for a reason - they're jerks, flakes, emotionally unavailable, players... the list goes on. As someone who's been where you are, here is the best advice I can give. When you date someone, treat each experience for what it is. It's a chance to meet someone and have a good time and that's it. Don't go in with expectations of meeting Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now. If the date goes well, be open to a second date, etc. Also, if you go the online route, talk to more than one person at a time. It puts less pressure on your Tuesday date if you've already got a date lined up for Friday. It helps you not obsess over each date. Don't be in a rush. Enjoy yourself and live in the moment.
Author Cuccoon Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Great post, thanks. I do have to say, I am lining up more dates, but this guy actually did stand out as quite special. But I"m keeping on...
mustangguy29 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Quick thought from a guy's perspective. Most decent guys don't care when you call them, they are just happy you did call them, unless you call them multiple times before they get back to you. If a guy really likes you he is not going to be put off by a call the next day. One tip, when proposing a date is I personally want to date you, not your friends. I know those friends give you a nice safety net, but they get in the way of romance. "Want to come to a concert with my friends" is not the same as "want to come to a concert with me." Again, if I really like you I am going to say yes no matter what, but if I am on the fence, I may just pass on going on a date with your friends, because it makes me think you are still on the fence about things. Other guys may disagree.
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