gungho Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 So I've been on the website OKCupid for 2 days now. I've messaged maybe 15 women. 1 responded, but I pretty much initiated every aspect of the messages sent and all she did was respond. Today, I messeged her asking how her day was going, not a response back. My profile has recieved a few visitors, but none of them said anything. None sent me a message, commented on my Journal post, etc. So is am I putting them off somehow with what I wrote or am I just horrific looking? Yes, I know, I'm obese. As stated within my profile, it's something I've been working at. http://www.okcupid.com/profile/rickyjc
Knittress Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 As a man, please don't take it personally when no one contacts you. Women don't generally do the chasing, even in on online environment. Other than that: - Perhaps you should have your main profile pic look a little less goofy. It's not that you're ugly, but it doesn't really resonate 'suave' either. - Also, I think you should talk less about your weight. Yes, you're overweight, memo received - but your tone makes it sound like you're a passive victim to the icecream shop and I get way too much of a sense of self-loathing to consider you as a potential partner. - Don't lie about it, but saying that you live with your parents right off the bat... really? Do I have to explain why that might turn girls off? Women are attracted to people that have a sense of independence and plans for the future, and embracing your state of dependency as a good fiscal policy... not exactly hot.
Author gungho Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Points well taken. I will admit, I used to loathe myself for letting certain things (my weight) spiral so far out of control. I'm come to the realization though that it is never too late to turn that around. I was trying to come out positive about it. As far as living at home..., yeah, I can see why that's a bit of a turn off..., but since I've no other living arrangements in the foreseeable future I don't know how I can really get around this. Hmm.. P.S. -thanks for the honest answer
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 As a man, please don't take it personally when no one contacts you. Women don't generally do the chasing, even in on online environment. Which is totally stupid in my opinion, what the hell is the point of joining then if the woman isnt going to be proactive in the search for a date ? saying that you live with your parents right off the bat... really? Do I have to explain why that might turn girls off? Like that makes a difference. I know guys still living at home, with part time jobs and they get dates. Obviously I need to quite my job, get addicted to something, and move in with my parents to get a date nowadays. Women are attracted to people that have a sense of independence and plans for the futureSpend a little more time on this site, and you'll see PLENTY of women posting threads about their deadbeat bf's or husbands, and how much they love him, even though they know its a terrible situation. .
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Ohh and the last thing you want to do is lose weight and become healthy and attractive. Most women have problems with guys being healthy and in shape because it competes with how they look. They like heavy guys that make them feel small so they look better when standing next to you.
Enchanted Girl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I don't think it's necessarily wrong to mention those things in your profile (the living at home and being overweight thing), but you're spending too much time on it and you're not talking enough about the positive aspects of yourself. It's like you're writing a defense that sounds like "I know I'm horrible, but . . . " Instead, try to talk about the ways you aren't horrible, in your opinion and definitely start it off by saying whatever is great about you, instead of starting it out with "I know I'm fat, but . . ." And it wouldn't be a bad idea not to talk about your weight at all. Women who care, will still judge you, whether you claim to be losing weight or not. Women who don't care, will not like you more for saying that you're trying to lose the weight. Like, for instance, I've been attracted to overweight men and a man who said he was losing the weight wouldn't make me view him any differently, I'd still look at him the same.
Enchanted Girl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Ohh and the last thing you want to do is lose weight and become healthy and attractive. Most women have problems with guys being healthy and in shape because it competes with how they look. They like heavy guys that make them feel small so they look better when standing next to you. I don't even know what point you're trying to make here.
sagetalk Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Points well taken. I will admit, I used to loathe myself for letting certain things (my weight) spiral so far out of control. I'm come to the realization though that it is never too late to turn that around. I was trying to come out positive about it. As far as living at home..., yeah, I can see why that's a bit of a turn off..., but since I've no other living arrangements in the foreseeable future I don't know how I can really get around this. Hmm.. P.S. -thanks for the honest answer Great attitude, keep knocking the weight off. Don't take online dating so serious, girls are gonna blow you off like crazy. They blow most guys off like crazy. The odds are stacked in their favor. On OKCupid I think it tells whether or not the girls message back frequently or not, don't message the girls that don't. Since your not ripped and Men's Health magazine cover model ready, I'd say you're better off going after girls offline. Online girls can be brutally picky, just take the rejection and move on without hurt feelings. I know it's hard, but ask cute girls out that see in everyday life. I know guys that are heavier weight, live with their parents and cute girls still like them. If they turn you down or are mean, then say something nice to them anyway and move on. It will make you a better person, give you confidence, and maybe another girl will see how mean they where to you and ask you out.
Knittress Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Soooooo... according to Serenitynow, you've got cause to be optimistic - particularly if you can find new and inventive ways of being self-destructive. Geez SN... do you radiate this intense aggressive energy in real life as well? I get that you're unhappy, but it would scare me off in under 15 seconds regardless of your other good qualities.
Yamaha Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I don't even know what point you're trying to make here. Obviously his point is to attack women. He barely said anything constructive to the OP but went straight to voicing his displeasure at on-line dating and women.
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Geez SN... do you radiate this intense aggressive energy in real life as well? I get that you're unhappy, but it would scare me off in under 15 seconds regardless of your other good qualities. Nope, I have enough female friends, and they've taught me how to lie through my teeth face to face, act like I care, and the fine arts of manipulation.
Enchanted Girl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Nope, I have enough female friends, and they've taught me how to lie through my teeth face to face, act like I care, and the fine arts of manipulation. Everything you just said was really gross on multiple levels. The fact that you value bad qualities in yourself and insist on labeling women as cruel and manipulative both at the same time. Please stop trying to ruin a guy who has a positive attitude about life and is trying for a relationship. We're supposed to be helping him.
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Do you really think he's that dumb to not see my sarcasm ? Besides, I said nothing that the women on LS haven't already proved Their have been plenty of threads about chubby/heavy guys , and more women have said they like the big guys over fit healthy guys. I'm just the messenger. .
Enchanted Girl Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Do you really think he's that dumb to not see my sarcasm ? Besides, I said nothing that the women on LS haven't already proved Their have been plenty of threads about chubby/heavy guys , and more women have said they like the big guys over fit healthy guys. I'm just the messenger. . So which were you being: sarcastic or serious? Because it sounds like you're making fun of his weight and at the same time calling all women on this forum liars if they dare say they could be attracted to overweight men. Otherwise what sarcasm was there to read?
Knittress Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Nope, I have enough female friends, and they've taught me how to lie through my teeth face to face, act like I care, and the fine arts of manipulation. ... and judging by your feelings, does this approach seem to be working for you? You seem to be in great need of being deeply and sincerely loved, and I doubt you're going to find someone capable of this if you're not relating to others in an open and honest manner. But... your life...
USMCHokie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Just two things I can think of off the top of my head at the moment... (1) Good, I noticed you changed your primary/first picture... (2) TMI...women will notice and appreciate a well written profile, but do not put so much information or reveal too much about yourself...get rid of any self-deprecating remarks...show yourself in the most positive light you can...focus on the positive and elaborate on topics that will interest the women that YOU would be interested in... For example, your first paragraph in the self-summary...instead of focusing on your current weight and reasons why you're heavier than you'd like to be, focus more on your appreciation and interest in physical activity because it has become part of your lifestyle, not because you're overweight...it's just putting a more appealing spin on existing positive qualities...
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Just two things I can think of off the top of my head at the moment... (1) Good, I noticed you changed your primary/first picture... (2) TMI...women will notice and appreciate a well written profile, but do not put so much information or reveal too much about yourself...get rid of any self-deprecating remarks...show yourself in the most positive light you can...focus on the positive and elaborate on topics that will interest the women that YOU would be interested in... For example, your first paragraph in the self-summary...instead of focusing on your current weight and reasons why you're heavier than you'd like to be, focus more on your appreciation and interest in physical activity because it has become part of your lifestyle, not because you're overweight...it's just putting a more appealing spin on existing positive qualities... Thats total BS. I have proved on different dating sites. That women respond to less positive profiles, rather than positive, "mr happy everything is great" profiles. Women are not stupid. They get tired of the same bs, the same dribble, seeing the same fake upbeat crap on every profile day after day. Be yourself, write whatever you want. Dont fabricate a profile to project to them someone you arent. No one on here is an expert. .
Author gungho Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 I don't think it's necessarily wrong to mention those things in your profile (the living at home and being overweight thing), but you're spending too much time on it and you're not talking enough about the positive aspects of yourself. It's like you're writing a defense that sounds like "I know I'm horrible, but . . . " Instead, try to talk about the ways you aren't horrible, in your opinion and definitely start it off by saying whatever is great about you, instead of starting it out with "I know I'm fat, but . . ." And it wouldn't be a bad idea not to talk about your weight at all. Women who care, will still judge you, whether you claim to be losing weight or not. Women who don't care, will not like you more for saying that you're trying to lose the weight. Like, for instance, I've been attracted to overweight men and a man who said he was losing the weight wouldn't make me view him any differently, I'd still look at him the same. Thanks for the advice. I think I got it. Be positive! I'm rewriting now. Great attitude, keep knocking the weight off. Don't take online dating so serious, girls are gonna blow you off like crazy. They blow most guys off like crazy. The odds are stacked in their favor. On OKCupid I think it tells whether or not the girls message back frequently or not, don't message the girls that don't. Since your not ripped and Men's Health magazine cover model ready, I'd say you're better off going after girls offline. Online girls can be brutally picky, just take the rejection and move on without hurt feelings. I know it's hard, but ask cute girls out that see in everyday life. I know guys that are heavier weight, live with their parents and cute girls still like them. If they turn you down or are mean, then say something nice to them anyway and move on. It will make you a better person, give you confidence, and maybe another girl will see how mean they where to you and ask you out. Really appreciate this advice! There's a cute girl I want to ask out at Subway but I've not seen her there the last few times I went in. I was going to try online dating in addition to offline dating. Good idea or a bad one? Smile! Maybe show a few shots with your whole body so the girls won't be surprised when they see in real life. Keep on losing weight. As long as you're not complaining about being fat yet actively doing something I respect that a lot. Get some contacts, new hair cut, lose the weight, only speak about the positives. You may think you're making an emotional connection by spilling your guts but It's really detrimental. Do it later not now. Constantly work on self improvement. Academically (go finish school), physically (You're already doing it, great!), emotionally (try to get as much experience as possible), financially (start learning how to make money), you know the drill. Just keep focusing on improving yourself, and the women will come. Above all else don't listen to anyone who tells you to be yourself. Evidently it ain't workin', so somethings gotta change. *that's you!* Good luck dude. Thanks a bunch! Contacts would be interesting. I've never worn any. I was actually thinking about a haircut today. I've never really styled my hair. It's either short, or long and slightly curly. Maybe I should let it grow out a tad bit longer and then go to a barber shop (one with women in it) and actually ask them what style of a haircut would look good on me? Continual self improvement has been my philosophy for the last year! Just two things I can think of off the top of my head at the moment... (1) Good, I noticed you changed your primary/first picture... (2) TMI...women will notice and appreciate a well written profile, but do not put so much information or reveal too much about yourself...get rid of any self-deprecating remarks...show yourself in the most positive light you can...focus on the positive and elaborate on topics that will interest the women that YOU would be interested in... For example, your first paragraph in the self-summary...instead of focusing on your current weight and reasons why you're heavier than you'd like to be, focus more on your appreciation and interest in physical activity because it has become part of your lifestyle, not because you're overweight...it's just putting a more appealing spin on existing positive qualities... So it's not so much what I'm talking about, it's the way that I'm talking about. I get that. Makes sense. Thanks for the reply.
USMCHokie Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Thats total BS. I have proved on different dating sites. That women respond to less positive profiles, rather than positive, "mr happy everything is great" profiles. I'm sorry, but simply by saying those three words, I can no longer take you seriously... Women are not stupid. They get tired of the same bs, the same dribble, seeing the same fake upbeat crap on every profile day after day. Be yourself, write whatever you want. Dont fabricate a profile to project to them someone you arent. So Debbie Downer negative crap is going to be more appealing...? And if a woman decides to pass me or anyone else up because she thinks my profile is full of fake crap, then I'm better off without the looney girl with issues... Yep, I agree, be yourself and write whatever you want...but be prepared to get the type of girl you are writing to appeal to... No one on here is an expert. So what makes your claims any more accurate than mine...?
shadowplay Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 As a woman, I feel like I have a pretty good sense of the problem here. Btw we're a 15% match. In no particular order: 1) You start off your profile by talking about your weight struggles, even giving your numerical weight. Why?? This is a terrible idea, as it makes you look extremely insecure and also draws attention to a flaw. Play up your strengths, not your weaknesses. 2) I would take "The Notebook" out of your favorite movies, even if it's true. I can't see myself dating a guy who liked this movie. It makes you sound wimpy. 3) your picture selection. Even if you're overweight, you can make the most of your pictures. In the first picture, your expression and posture are awkward. You appear insecure and unsure. Take a better picture, where you project more confidence (but not the put on kind). The second picture isn't funny. You're trying too hard. The third is an awkward close up of your face where you look sweaty and unhappy. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Serenitynow Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 2) I would take "The Notebook" out of your favorite movies, even if it's true. I can't see myself dating a guy who liked this movie. It makes you sound wimpy. So with that line of thinking, every guy that has something in his profile that you dont like, should change it to a way that appeases you ? You have no intention on dating the OP, why in the heck would you even make the comment for him to change it ? .
shadowplay Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Thats total BS. I have proved on different dating sites. That women respond to less positive profiles, rather than positive, "mr happy everything is great" profiles. Women are not stupid. They get tired of the same bs, the same dribble, seeing the same fake upbeat crap on every profile day after day. Be yourself, write whatever you want. Dont fabricate a profile to project to them someone you arent. No one on here is an expert. . This is complete BS. I just signed up for OKCupid a few days ago, so I've been weeding through profiles and messages. Here are the things that usually make me close a guy's profile: 1) arrogance 2) negativity 3) lack of intelligence 4) insecurity, wishy-washy-ness, immaturity
shadowplay Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 So with that line of thinking, every guy that has something in his profile that you dont like, should change it to a way that appeases you ? You have no intention on dating the OP, why in the heck would you even make the comment for him to change it ? . I was giving him a woman's perspective about what turns me off. Honestly, I can't imagine many women not being turned off by this movie choice.
alexlakeman Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 1. Any free site is a pos, you get what you pay for 2. You better focus on something on their profile that clicks and write about that and end it with some question so they get back to you. Did I say you get what you pay for? try a pay site..
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