Intentions?

[weeble78]

Ok, so for those who read my last thread, we went away on holiday and have just come back.

 

The second night he brought up the argument again (he reacts to perceived withdrawal by being spiteful but denies it). I stuck to my point and said we'd agree to disagree, he tried to argue more. He kept pushing the subject until I said there was no further need to discuss it and I would leave the table if he kept on.

 

The next day was a little disconnected for me, but we ended up making up.

 

Now my friends have had a little sweepstake going thinking that he was giong to propose to me while there. Before that argument things had been going so well, and he had been making comments about a special day he had planned for us both, and it would be nice for us to sit down and talk about our future. I wasn't convinced, but basically the more I listened to my friends, the more I wondered if he might.

 

When going to visit one attraction, the tickets got messed up. He said we should write and complain and tell the manager he was going to propose to me and they'd ruined the proposal. When we visited the attraction, he said when he got there, 'it's not a very romantic place to propose is it, with so many people about?'.

 

On the way home we were listening to a radio show about the cost of weddings, and he said 'me and you should run off to Las Vegas and get married' jokingly - I jokingly agreed.

 

Anyway, my point is, he doesn't really make comments like this in passing. Two months ago we both agreed we're looking at the relationship as a long term thing and are looking at each other as someone we'd like to marry. So that's been put on th etable but not mentioned since.

 

We've discussed moving in together, he asked me about a month ago and I said I wanted to wait until he had a job. This did not seem to go down so well. He also has changed his mind twice about possible places to live.

 

Basically I am starting to wonder if he is one of those people who come up with an idea and remain interested in it until something else catches their imagination. We've had several 'when we move in together' conversations, but nothing concrete.

 

Also I am wondering if the argument we had when we were away changed things, as we never did have a 'future' chat.

 

I am trying to decide whether I should bring this up with him, and lay things on the table, but I did say i do want to move in with him. Also I'm a little disappointed that maybe he was going to propose, but perhaps I'm reading into things too much.

 

I'd love to hear some thoughts and opinions please..

[TaraMaiden]

I think you need to sort these control issues and mind games before even thinking of getting married.

This is not a good relationship to consider a life-time commitment.

Read that again:

LIFE-TIME.

50 to 60 years.

With this guy.

Who keeps bringing up old stuff and trying to rub your face in it, and be spiteful.

 

Unchanged behaviour escalates.....

[weeble78]

Hi TaraMaiden

 

Thanks for your response. I couldn't agree more, and that's one thing which has been on my mind - HOW do I sort out his behaviour?

 

It does appear to me that he WAS trying to rub my face in it.

 

Previously in the past I have ignored the bad behaviour to a point, and he hasn't bothered repeating again. If I do bring it up, to whatever extent, this is when I get this behaviour - tempting me to just ignore him whenever he kicks up a fuss.

 

How could I possibly get him to respect me and not treat me this way?

[weeble78]

Or has he already lost respect for me?

[sugarmomma]

You describe him as spiteful. Is he mean or nasty to you? Not enough back story here.

[weeble78]

Hi

 

Ok, so examples of him being spiteful - when I decided to go home without inviting him, he started delaying responding to my texts. Petty I know, but out of the ordinary for him.

 

Inviting me to his house and then waiting for me to go to bed before him going downstairs to smoke with his friends until the small hours. And doing this a week after I'd expressed there was no point in me coming to to stay over if he wasn't going to come to bed with me, and for me to sit up for several house waiting for him.

 

Inviting me round for the evening - then me arriving finding out he's cooked a big meal for the whole house and him apologising for forgetting to ask me.

 

Inviting me to a friend's wedding where I don't know anybody - then spending most of the evening talking to his friends and disappearing, leaving me to talk to people alone, and go back to the hotel alone while he goes back to his friends' hotel for a smoke (I said this was fine as I didn't want to stop him).

 

Just tonight, I texted him at 10pm (he usually goes to bed at 2ish) to tell him how much I love him and goodnight (I don't do this that often). He still has not replied )nearly 2am). He never used to take longer than 10 mins to answer a text and I know he will tell me he fell asleep early, tomorrow.

 

When we were away this weekend at this wedding, he kept making the effort to tell me how much more he loves me since going away on holiday together, how he's never been this happy before etc.

 

I just have a gut feeling he's being funny with me and then denying it. I mentioned at the wedding, as we were talking about friends' moving in together, that he keeps throwing out new places for us to try living together. Instead of it generating a chat about our future (as has happened previously), he has just changed the conversation.

 

I can't sleep at the moment feeling that he is ignoring my text on purpose, and that I am going to have to talk to him tomorrow.

 

I feel like I should tell him tomorrow that I've had enough with him going off smoking with his friends and it impacting on us (I was left alone at this wedding when other couples were dancing with their other halves, and then going home to their hotels together). Also I feel like I should say I have tried to bring these things up but I feel like they have been ignored. I have tried compromising on things with him, but it now feels like he is hell bent on trying to make me feel like crap, through little things like not replying to lovely texts.

 

I don't know how to deal with this behaviour and I feel like he has suddenly lost all respect for me. Previously he wouldn't have dared not text me back and used to be desperately trying to make the right impression, impress me and look after me. Now I feel like he's trying to compete with me but I don't understand why.

 

I can't sleep, I'm upset, I miss him and now I'm feeling like maybe I'm being played. In reality maybe he didn't get the message, but I'm feeling stupid.

[sugarmomma]

He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk who are trying to turn back into that nice guy he was in the beginning. Let me break it down for you. All that was for show and now he is showing you his true character.

 

I don't understand what's so great about this guy. If my date left me at a party I would go home. But that's just me.

 

Who does he live with and what does he smoke? Do you have a weed head on your hands?

Edited August 8, 2010 by sugarmomma

[weeble78]

Well I feel he is behaving this way out of insecurity. Doesn't make it right, but whenever he is insecure he behaves like this. At the beginning he used to tell me when he was feeling insecure. Now he just acts stupid as if he can't be bothered to talk about it.

 

I couldn't leave the party as I was 250 miles away from home. Also I dont feel like he should have to follow me around all night. He wasn't with me a lot because he was outside smoking with his friends. I don't smoke.

 

He does smoke weed at home - he had talked about giving it up when he moves out and in with me. It's something he's been talking about giving up since I met him.

 

I'm so angry he has left me hanging tonight, and I feel like texting tomorrow to say obviously he's still pissed about stuff and is trying to get me back.

 

I'm also starting to think I should talk to him tomorrow about the things which have gone wrong since I said I don't want to move in with him yet, and since I told him I'm not happy going to his place to sit upstairs and wait for him to finish smoking with his friends.

 

I feel like he has lost respect for me or something and I don't know how it's happened.

 

Oh and he lives with 4 other blokes who all work part-time and are single and in their late 30's.

 

Is there any way of shaking him out of this? I truly felt I'd met my match and have never met anyone I wanted to marry and know wanted to marry me. I feel that by some mistake by me, I have messed things up because I have been too soft or something, or been too much of a doormat. I also feel like he's testing me and that how I respond will be important to how he judges my character and whether it's someone he wants to be with.

 

I have never felt love so strongly for someone, and he says the same thing. I'd be devastated if it all went wrong now.

 

Thank you for your responses - it helps to have someone to talk to when you can't sleep..

[weeble78]

...have any thoughts on how I should handle this tomorrow?

 

I'm tempted to talk to him and tell him how horrible the last two weeks have been and how I feel things have changed and for the worse.

 

He keeps telling me that things are fine and I'm reading into things, while acting the way I have said previously.

 

I'm now so unhappy and feeling so totally disrespected and unloved that I'm thinking of ending the relationship.

 

Can anybody give me some helpful advice please? I just want things back the way they were and I can't stop crying

[sugarmomma]

Please whatever you do don't move in with him. His communication skills are very poor and living with him will probably make things worse.

 

Also stop making excuses for him as to why he is the way he is. Rudeness and inconsideration is what it is. His insecurities are not your problem and please don't blame yourself for his crappy behavior.

 

You seem to take more responsibility for the breakdown in the r. Maybe that's why he is losing more respect for you. He knows that you will blame yourself and not hold him accountable when he acts shi**y.

 

 

Don't be a doormat. Set and enforce some boundaries with him. Like ignoring you for hours when you come to see him should be unacceptable.

[weeble78]

So do you think it would be a good idea to go and see him tomorrow and tell him the things I'm not happy with?

 

When I tried to pin him down and say his behaviour was ****ty, he disagreed about the little things he did like not cooking me dinner and turned it into a huge row, then bringing it up in the middle of our holiday while we were supposed to be having dinner at an expensive restaurant.

 

You agree he has lost respect for me - can I get this back?

 

I'm so angry with myself, and I can't stop crying and feeling that I've now brought this all on myself. I thought I was getting my happy ending after something horrible that had happened over the last few years, now I feel like I've ruined it all.

 

Please tell me how I can fix this. How do I make him accountable for his behaviour?

[sugarmomma]

I think you need to detach from him (physically and emotionally) to step back and look at him for who he really is- someone who is careless about your feelings. If you start talking he's just going to turn it around on you as you have already indicated he has a tendency to do.

 

Why do you want to fix this if he is doing so little to make it work? Just step back and take some time for yourself. He knows that ignoring you is hurtful yet he does it anyway. When you respond to him after he has treated you that way he thinks that his behavior is acceptable.

 

Its only going to get worse. How long have you been together?

[weeble78]

But how has this happened when two weeks ago we were talking about marriage and walking around on cloud 9??!!

 

I'm so upset - has he lost his feelings for me?

 

We've been together nearly 9 months now.

 

I feel like I should point out what a d1ck he's being and tell him I've had enough and want some space. It feels like I'm playing delaying games trying to distance myself from him. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me and now I feel devastated that it#s turned into this. I came out of a horrible abusive relationship previously which left me physically ill and now it seems like it's happening again.

 

How can I get his love back?

[weeble78]

Also I feel I'm losing respect for him behaving this way. Would it be a bad idea to tell him this?

[weeble78]

Can anyone help?

[GordonDarkfoot]

Your bf sounds somewhat immature to me. On the other hand, I think you need to have a little calmer response in dealing with arguments with him. I glanced at your other thread and basically you went home because he went downstairs to hand out with his mates, and you got mad. But prior to that you'd established a pattern that it was OK for him to do that. I'm not sure about the not cooking dinner for you part, because what expectations were set up prior to your coming over that evening? If the two of you hadn't discussed that you were coming over for dinner, why would you be mad that he cooked for his housemates/friends (I guess?) but not for you? Maybe they each take turns or something and he has to cook nice meals for them every so often to fulfill his obligation?

 

In any case when you're upset with someone, this is in general, leaving the house is a very bad way of handling it, because it raises all kinds of issues in his mind about your commitment to the relationship/abandonment. That's a rough card for you to have played just because he hung out with his friends for a while (when previously that'd been OK as long as he came back to bed eventually).

 

It actually sounds like he not only wants to move in with you, he does want to MARRY you. He made two "jokes" about it but as you indicate, are they really jokes? What was your reaction to the jokes? You said you joked around in response but were you really joking and could he tell the difference?

 

I'm not saying you should marry the guy. Do you want to? If you don't you should have said "We're not ready for that" or something to communicate your feelings. If you do you should have made that clear or at least clear enough that you're open to the opportunity.

 

Realistically I think your biggest concern is that he doesn't have a job. Why is that? How hard is he trying to get one? Doesn't have to be anything special for now; but it's a bad sign that he's willing to remain unemployed for any prolonged period, or that he's incapable of working for a prolonged period.

 

Serious men who are seriously courting women know they better have a job because they'll need money, esp. if they're moving in together/thinking of getting married.

 

It sounds like the relationship is savable but both of you have some issues to work on and some growing up to do. He needs to get that hanging out with his friends stuff, esp. when he has you in bed next to him, out of his system; a mature man doesn't run off to smoke or drink beer or whatever with his friends on a regular basis, he goes to bed with his woman. On the other hand a mature woman doesn't get in a snit over some tomfoolery of her man to the extent of leaving the house. She waits for him at home with the rolling pin like Mrs. Andy Capp, right?

[weeble78]

Hello Gordon Darkfoot

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

 

I agree with a lot of what you have said, and also have found it insightful.

 

Although I was so mad at him sitting downstairs for hours (when I'd told him the week before I didn't think it was fair), I did think my reaction was over the top and expressed that to him, and apologised.

 

Re. the marrying things, I joked back in a positive way - I elaborated on the proposal thing saying we could send a photo of me heartbroken that he didn't propose, I agreed it was too busy at this attraction to be a romantic place to propose, and when he joked about eloping I said we should go get an Elvis wedding. I responded positively in case he was digging to see if I've changed my mind about us marrying (he would rather dig around than confront an issue).

 

He's the only person I have ever met who I have thought positively about marrying and having children with. The sticking point is the last couple ofweeks now.

 

I am concerned he doesn't have a job - because he's not even looking for one. He's bummed around for over 2 months now and enjoyed every minute of it. Since we've come back from holiday he's said he'll start looking, but I'm a little worried.

 

Since he left his prevoius job and has just hung out with his mates until the wee hours, he's become a lot more of a selfish person, and also a little more insecure.

 

I wish he would stop with this having to be with his mates every night thing, but he's been a lot worse since not working. He wasn't this attached to them before. He's only recently gained a group of good friends, whom he lives with, and I know he values their closeness immensely.

 

And about the moving in thing, he had a chance to move in previously with me, a few months ago. We'd discussed it loads, I said I was ready straightaway and when he realised I meant straightaway he came up with several delaying excuses, but then panicked thinking he might have pushed me away. I left things up to him, meanwhile thinking he'd get a job and we could move in soon etc. Now it's been 2 months and nothing much has changed, when he brought it up the other day I said he needs to get a job first. He asked me if I still really want to move in, and I think he felt maybe I was putting things off with him.

 

It seems like a delicate dance sometimes. He's so sensitive and takes meaning out of silly things when he shouldn't, but won't discuss if he's upset, just behaves in a way I consider spiteful i.e. neglects to do something, like text me back, and then have a reason why he didn't do it. If I have a problem with it, he acts like I'm making a big deal out of things and gets angry with me. I feel, deep down, like he's trying to provoke me in some way, but can't understand why or what it is he's trying to prove?

[weeble78]

Ok so today he finally replied to my text this afternoon, saying my phone must have messed up sending it. I replied saying hi and I was out so would speak to him later. My phone received a delivery report so I'm pretty sure he'd received it.

 

Anyway. I went over to his this afternoon to discuss the things I'm not happy with. E.g. the argument we had on holiday. I said I felt we were bad at communicating and I was unhappy with the insults he'd thrown at me the next day when I was trying to sort things out. He still denied that he was pissed at me going home, and said first that he was stressed about having to think about finding another job, and also he'd been smoking a lot recently so perhaps that had affected his behaviour. I plodded on anyway and said that whatever the reason, I wasn't happy with the things that had happened afterwards and things have been funny since. He agreed to do whatever it would take and try and communicate more, but said he was used to not talking and communicating. I said that something needs to change as I'm not happy, and that even though I love him more than anyone I've ever known, I would be willing to walk away if we can't sort things out.

 

Also I brought up the smoking thing and said that since he'd been out of work, his smoking has increased, and with that, the things we do have decreased (we hardly go to bed together any more, don't watch dvds or chill together), and the magicalness of things has decreased. I feel we have lost some stuff we used to have. He agreed with me that I have never come between him and his smoking, as I don't think it's fair for me to affect his life choices as long as he respects mine, but I said I was sad that some of the good things between us have decreased due to him increasing the time he's spent smoking. He expressed desire to give up, but said that would never happen while he was in the house with the boys. I said it's up to him what he wants and I would support him, and he reiterated that he would have to move out to give up smoking as he finds it hard. I'm unsure at this point if he was hinting about us moving in again, or whether he was stating that it's not going to happen any time soon. Regardless, it's a moot point because I never asked.

 

Unfortunately the whole time he was talking to me he was stoned and a bit all over the place which really didn't help. He asked if I wanted him to come over mine tonight, but didn't sound like he really wanted to come so I said we'd leave it till another night. I figured with him being stoned and us having had a large chat with little resolution, it may be best for me to give him some space.

 

I didn't mention the moving in thing together, as I figured this may make him feel pushed and a little overwhelmed with everything else I was saying to him.

 

I'm not sure if I've gone about this the right way and how he'll feel about it when he is no longer stoned, but I guess I'll have to wait and see. Usually when we talk he tells me of our plans for the future etc, but this time he just stayed quiet. That may, however, be down to the drugs.

 

I don't know how this is going to pan out. All I know is when we talk, we're good at compromising and sorting things out. I want to move in with this guy and marry him, and I want him to go back to being the guy he has been for the first 6 months of our relationship.

[weeble78]

Anybody think I'm being approrpiate trying to set boundaries, or think I'm making things worse?

 

I feel sad tonight and miss him.

[spookie]

How is he going to find a job if he keeps smoking weed all day long??? Even crappy jobs drug-test....

[spookie]

Anybody think I'm being approrpiate trying to set boundaries, or think I'm making things worse?

 

I feel sad tonight and miss him.

 

Reading this thread, it appears to me there's nothing really wrong with your relationship, but you are clingy and have a need to overanalyze everything to death, while he is going though a personal rut.

 

A decrease in "magicalness" over the course of two weeks isn't something you should be concerned about to the point of making him talk about it. In long term relationships, sometimes there's an abundance of magicalness, and sometimes a dath. The whole point is to cut your partner some slack and have faith that it will get better again.

 

I suggest you give him some space and stop focusing on this R so much. Tend to the other parts of your life for a while, then re-evaluate where yall are at in a few months.

[weeble78]

Do I honestly come across as clingy to anybody else?

 

Also he said he thinks I'm overanalysing things, but I'm genuinely unhappy about how our relationship's changed. I hate that he's stoned now most of the time, I hate that he talks about us moving in together/getting married, yet fails to do anything about it. I hate that he has no intention of getting a job. I hate that he is spiteful at any perceived slight yet won't talk to me about it.

 

I spend half my time with my friends and pursuing outside interests such as swimming, playing piano, socialising with friends and aromatherapy, whereas he has nothing but smoking and playing xbox. Am I really being clingy here?

[weeble78]

Could anyone else comment please?

[BWLoca]

Do I honestly come across as clingy to anybody else?

 

Also he said he thinks I'm overanalysing things, but I'm genuinely unhappy about how our relationship's changed. I hate that he's stoned now most of the time, I hate that he talks about us moving in together/getting married, yet fails to do anything about it. I hate that he has no intention of getting a job. I hate that he is spiteful at any perceived slight yet won't talk to me about it.

 

I spend half my time with my friends and pursuing outside interests such as swimming, playing piano, socialising with friends and aromatherapy, whereas he has nothing but smoking and playing xbox. Am I really being clingy here?

 

 

I think you should evaluate whether or not you REALLY want this for the long term. He seems to have a pattern of talking about doing things but never carrying them out.

[weeble78]

I entirely and completely want to be with him for the long term.

 

What I want to work out is if I really am overanalysing everything and making problems where there aren't really any, and if the problem is in my court.

 

I can't sleep again tonight and am missing him massively. I feel like I am reacting excessively. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be perfect, just the way we said it would be.

 

I'm gutted he told me he wanted us to talk about our future in france and we had things to discuss, and then nothing happened.