She loves me and I love her. But she's married

[SmartBrotha]

Indeed.

 

Much better than what you, which was absolutely nothing. Again, we have Not slept together! Why do you continue to respond with nonsense?

[SmartBrotha]

Regardless of whether you love each other...those feelings don't give you an automatic right to be together - plus she has a track record of choosing her H over you already. I do think you did the right thing by ending your own engagement.

 

Look at it this way: if you want her, long term, to look at you with respect, as an honorable guy, and as someone of high value, you must make it clear to her that you will NOT be involved with her unless she is, one day, single, but that when/if that day comes, you will be there. Say to her that you love and respect her too much to debase her by helping her sink below her principles to cheat and lie to her family, because she will hatee herself for it and may also end up resenting you for it too. In the long term, if she leaves the H, your R will be 100% better for that. If she stays with the H then you know where her heart really lies.

 

Seriously...read lots of the posts on here - save yourself the heartbreak and keep your distance. If she really is just 'going through the motions' then she will leave him at some pin, especialy if she knows you are waiting for her.

 

Very well put. Thanks for your USEFUL input...

[bentnotbroken]

Much better than what you, which was absolutely nothing. Again, we have Not slept together! Why do you continue to respond with nonsense?

 

 

Never said you did. Re-read what I posted. YOU want to sleep with his wife. YOU are contemplating sleeping with his wife. YOU are planning on meeting with her...with the intent of what...flossing your teeth? Come on. Lie to yourself, lie to her husband...but most of us have been here too long to fall for it. You can hit the ignore button anytime you feel the need.

[whichwayisup]

I find it disturbing that someone that has made as many posts as you can honestly say if someone wants a divorce, they would just do it. Get real.

 

With this unnecessary comment, I'm done with your thread.. No worries.

 

Take care and I hope we're all wrong.

[linwood]

Fantasy and faith are two completely different things.

 

Only when there is some objective basis for faith does it differ from fantasy.

 

If there`s no reason to have faith then fantasy and faith are indeed the same thing.

 

What reason has she given you for you to establish faith in her?

 

An "objective reason" not emotional.

 

Actions...not words.

 

You`re heading towards a serious wreck.

[2sunny]

i will answer the questions you asked.

 

She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him.

 

IF she wants to get a divorce - she will. sit back and relax because that takes time... no one can predict how a divorce may affect a young child.

 

I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together.

 

you may think you know this... good for you - let us know how that goes when she gets divorced.

 

How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?

 

you do this best by stepping away until she is divorced. when the time is right - then interaction with the child is appropriate. if it's before then, the child MAY automatically resent you for your position.

 

 

best to wait and see how it all plays out. be patient, time will tell.

[fooled once]

lol...okay. Women spent countless hours in the mall trying to find an outfit but you seriously think it's just that easy for a woman to pick up a phone and make a divorce happen? She's in love with someone else but she's not about to just leave without thinking things out first. Yet another oversimplified response. Question, if this sh-t was that easy, then what's the point of this website? Because clearly there's more to it than picking up a phone. Every woman isn't the same. Millions of women have a hard time saying and doing things that they want to do. Grow up.

 

Actually yes, it is QUITE easy, once you decide to do it.

 

Picked up the phone, had an appt 2 days later, had the papers drawn up for me to review in under 2 weeks. Shared them with my now EX a few weeks later and after the mandatory 1 year separation due to us having a small child, we were divorced.

 

People who want to be divorced DO make it happen.

 

We know, we know, - you are ten times better than her H ever could be, she loves you bestest, blah blah blah.....

 

So let her woman up, prove it and do something about it before she sleeps with you.

 

Then again, I think you just like the feeling of "winning" over her mean old husband who takes her for granted because "she says so".

 

Good luck to ya.

[breaking_bad]

SB,

 

I got a divorce when my son was small, for reasons I felt were justified, and it was not a difficult, torturous decision. Of course there was guilt about my son, sadness about my failed marriage, but that's all it was, and I sat through enough growing up in the middle of parental hate/fights/loathing that I knew it couldn't be worse.

 

I didn't have alot of money, I didn't have any place to go live, I didn't have anyone to run to, I knew I was going to bootstrap it, and I did it anyway.

 

So it can be done, it has been done, it's possible. And if a person wants a divorce, for however "complex" you want to make a situation, it's just really not that complex. What it is is a DECISION based on what is most important to that particular person.

 

My xMM made a different decision. It involved the same stuff - money, friendship, moving, kids, reputation, whatever. And he chose to stay married because his decision was based on what was most important to him, or what he could and couldn't live with given what the repercussions would be.

 

And I know plenty of people who have had horrible divorce battles, and plenty like me who are just hippies and we part ways like friends and accept the situation for what it is.

 

I guess my point is that there is absolutely nothing you can say to your MW to get her to feel "better" about considering divorce. She will have to make her own decisions on that, based on what she feels is right for her world.

 

And telling her that she's made dumb decisions by the way - is not helpful

 

I think that the people of this board, well, most of us have been caught on the short end of the divorce decision, and that's why they're cautioning you. They're not trying to be mean, they just have felt alot of pain and are throwing the flag on your sitiation so you don't wind up there too.

 

The only think I would tell you is that even if she does decide to divorce, there will be a long period of internal conflict she's going to experience with her baby. A period of guilt and regret and sadness to be away from the baby when it's not her weekend, and all that stuff. It is very very hard, and please belive that part. And if you are in the middle of the fray you are probably going to bear the brunt of this and you will also likely bear the blame for it on occasion.

 

That's why it is best that you don't position yourself so clearly as the reason for divorce, or push so strongly for her to do it.

 

I know that you think that this relationship is right, and you push because you truly belive that, but you cannot force someone to do something that they are not prepared or ready to do, and that will backfire on your a** every time.

 

So I would say that either way, outcome aside, you need to back off, let her know what she means to you but that you will not in any way be telling her how to make decisions in her own life. And that her decision one way or the other is hers, and you will love her to pieces regardless of what it is.

 

But you need to get yourself out of the tarpit or you'll be burned either way.

 

Just a little advice from a divorced hippie

 

Good luck.

[sugarmomma]

SmartBro, be smart and take the feedback from the people here. They're just trying to save you from some unnecessary pain and disappointment.

 

No matter how you cut it, becoming a third wheel in a M is not very smart. Wait until she can be with you properly. She will respect you for it and you will respect yourself as well.

 

Even if things don't go as planned with her please come back and post because the people here will still be here to support you, whether through pain, denial, fantasy or REALITY.

 

We gotcha back bro!!

Edited August 7, 2010 by sugarmomma

[SmartBrotha]

I am sure I will join the camp of people who provide 'useless' responses, since you won't want to hear this. Good luck.

 

I don't mind responses I don't want to hear. What I do mind is when people respond with their own rants that have nothing to do with my clarified purpose of my post.

 

That actually sounds like a fairly normal marriage to me.

Normal doesn't mean right nor is that is valid justification.

 

Wow, that is special. I fantasized about George Clooney during sex when I was married.

Good for you. If you spent less energy on sarcasm and more energy on really understanding what I'm trying to say, you'd get that the point was that even during the time we had no communication, she was still thinking of me.

 

She didn't want to find ME because she knew if we began communicating, it would complicate things because she knew she married the wrong person and would be torn between her H and being with me. In the REAL WORLD, that makes sense. You guys keep trying to rationalize situations and apply binary logic as if everything is as cut and dry as a one or zero, but it doesn't work that way. People can be confused. People can not have the strength to do the things they want to do. That's like saying women in abusive relationships are stupid because "all they have to do" is walk away or get a divorce. Life doesn't work that way.

 

People's minds (especially a woman's mind) run a mile a minute and their actions don't and will not always reflect what they really want to do.

 

I don't see 'divorce' looming anytime soon.

How many times do I have to repeat myself? I'M NOT ASKING ANYONE ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD WHETHER OR NOT THEY BELIEVE SHE IS GETTING A DIVORCE. I am looking for advice from people who, for the sake of my post, will assume she honestly wants to get a divorce and merely doesn't have the courage to a) tell her H and b) go through what she believes will initially be a horrible experience

[SmartBrotha]

SmartBro, be smart and take the feedback from the people here. They're just trying to save you from some unnecessary pain and disappointment.

 

No matter how you cut it, becoming a third wheel in a M is not very smart. Wait until she can be with you properly. She will respect you for it and you will respect yourself as well.

 

Even if things don't go as planned with her please come back and post because the people here will still be here to support you, whether through pain, denial, fantasy or REALITY.

 

We gotcha back bro!!

 

Thank you for a sensible and relevant response. What people on here fail to realize is that I already EXPECT things not to go the way I want them to go, which made it that much easier to be curious about my different options as far as what to actually Say to her. That's why I keep getting irritated with people wasting energy telling me something I'm already assuming. Thanks again.

[2sunny]

i will answer the questions you asked.

 

 

 

IF she wants to get a divorce - she will. sit back and relax because that takes time... no one can predict how a divorce may affect a young child.

 

 

 

you may think you know this... good for you - let us know how that goes when she gets divorced.

 

 

 

you do this best by stepping away until she is divorced. when the time is right - then interaction with the child is appropriate. if it's before then, the child MAY automatically resent you for your position.

 

 

best to wait and see how it all plays out. be patient, time will tell.

 

How many times do I have to repeat myself? I'M NOT ASKING ANYONE ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD WHETHER OR NOT THEY BELIEVE SHE IS GETTING A DIVORCE. I am looking for advice from people who, for the sake of my post, will assume she honestly wants to get a divorce and merely doesn't have the courage to a) tell her H and b) go through what she believes will initially be a horrible experience

 

you have gotten answers - why are you not addressing the ones you get?

 

 

for the sake of my post, will assume she honestly wants to get a divorce and merely doesn't have the courage to a) tell her H and b) go through what she believes will initially be a horrible experience

 

IF she honestly wants to - she will. what's your part in it? to wait - be patient - and see how it plays out with as minimal hurt to everyone involved.

 

yes, she will need courage. strength too! loads of courage and strength - it's very painful even under ideal circumstances.

 

i encouraged you to step back because for YOU to watch what will happen between now and then is a very painful thing to watch... to watch a loved one go THROUGH the PROCESS of ending a M isn't pretty. can you handle that?

[joey66]

With respect to all, I begin to wonder if this thread is for real, or just an attempt to draw us all out.

[anne1707]

Just assuming the OP is not a troll ()....

 

You cannot convince/persuade/guide amyone through to a divorce if they don't want to. The WS has made it very clear that she intends to stay in the marriage - after all, why should she risk it for someone she had sex with however many years ago and has not met since. She is just playing the game

[sadintexas]

I like how everyone on here like to make such complicated situations so cut and dry...lol. I guess there's no such thing as making mistakes huh? Or being weak; or maturing into a more perceptive person and being more in touch with your feelings/wants, huh?

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the emotions involved are cut and dry. But the way things work usually follows a damned script. People here know it all too well. They're just trying to give you a heads up.

 

The last person that needs to be giving her advice about divorce is you. You are emotionally invested in the outcome. If you feel you must assist in her decision making process, recommend to her that she visit a family counselor to discuss the ramifications of divorce on children. Help her locate the tools to make her own decisions. You'll be happier for it in the end.

[Gfkr2]

 

You cannot convince/persuade/guide amyone through to a divorce if they don't want to. The WS has made it very clear that she intends to stay in the marriage - after all, why should she risk it for someone she had sex with however many years ago and has not met since. She is just playing the game

 

Of course that all changes if her H discovers the infidelity. The AP may not be in a position then to decide whether she wants a divorce. The divorce may be thrust upon her whether she wants it or not. The entire dynamic of this R could change based on whether the H catches on and whether he is willing to blow-up his M.