She loves me and I love her. But she's married

[Gfkr2]

Sorry, but this woman will NEVER leave her marriage for you. She is looking for a bit of fun, and telling you what you want to hear.

 

You broke off a real engagement for this??? Big mistake.

 

Unless her husband finds out about the A. Many BH divorce their cheating wife's, but only IF they find out. J

Edited August 7, 2010 by Gfkr2

[SmartBrotha]

It's your life, but just know that MARRIED PEOPLE LIE when they have affairs. Not only to their spouses, but to their affair partners too. You are CHOOSING to believe her at her word. She is going to tell you what you need to know ON a need to know basis. She'll bend the truth to suit her best, depending on the day and what's going on

 

My point is not just MARRIED PEOPLE lie. Everyone is capable of lying. So me hoosing to believe her on some things is no different than two people standing at the altar lying. There's no rule that says because a person hasn't had an affair you can assume they're 100% honest.

[SmartBrotha]

I agree. Some people prefer the fantasy to reality...doesn't make for great outcomes usually.

 

Fantasy and faith are two completely different things. As many car accidents as there are everyday, are you living in a fantasy because you don't expect to die in one the next time you get in your car? Of course not. I'm not saying I know for sure that she will get a divorce. I wasn't asking whether or not you guys thought she would eventually get a divorce.

 

I was asking for guidance on how to advise someone who I believe genuinely wants to get a divorce. Telling me whether or not she will is a moot point.

[SmartBrotha]

Oh I see. So her husband had this coming. Well what about when she cheated on him years ago with you? Before she married him, before she was even engaged to him. Was that his fault too?

 

Funny how you can be judgemental of him taking your MW for granted when she is the one who has been unfaithful and dishonest to him for years. She got engaged and married to him after cheating with you.Now he's the bad guy who is getting what he deserves? Words fail me.

 

I like how everyone on here like to make such complicated situations so cut and dry...lol. I guess there's no such thing as making mistakes huh? Or being weak; or maturing into a more perceptive person and being more in touch with your feelings/wants, huh?

 

And for the record, I've told her quite a few times how much she's pissed me off with the decisions she's made so far. I've told her a lot of the things she's done have been dumb, so I'm not just sitting back blindly overlooking the fact that she's contributed to the situation. But to simplify situations that are clearly more complicated than you'd prefer to acknowledge is pretty ridiculous. Hell, we're on a website DEDICATED to getting insight/help/advice from others!

[SmartBrotha]

Exactly. If she truly wanted OUT, she would do it. Just shows she IS having second thoughts and is confused, probably isn't sure if what you have is "LOVE" or "LUST". Remember, you two are basing everything on an affair setting.. She isn't sure of what to do and in the meantime she'll do and say anything to keep you waiting, give you hope and in the affair. Go read stampdaddy's threads, from the beginning from end. Do a site search on his name.

 

I find it disturbing that someone that has made as many posts as you can honestly say if someone wants a divorce, they would just do it. Get real.

 

So you're going to leave because you don't like what people are saying? Maybe try not to look at people as bitter, but people who have been on either side or both sides of where you are now. And some just help, like advice or not, people are offering you jewels, it would be a shame if you ran away because you don't want to 'hear' what is said.

 

I'm not "running away" at all. What I'm saying is people would rather put their two cents in on a part of my story/request that I'm not asking for. I ALSO know people who have been on both sides. I ALSO know people (men and women) who have left their spouse to be with someone else and they're still together. I've talked to them. All I did was Google the situation and came across this website so I figured I'd get additional advice on how to go about supporting someone who I AM ASSUMING wants a divorce like she says she does. What you and many others fail to understand is that I don't care whether anyone on LoveShack.org believes she's telling the truth.

 

Let me ask, is she still doing family things and going on outings with her husband? Socializing with friends, family, inlaws? ASK her. Go on, I dare you.

 

Funny you ask me to ask someone a question after you tell me she's going to lie. But I digress. She's already told me that he's noticed that she's been distant. She even told me about them being intimate and him stopping midway because he could tell something was wrong and that she expected to have a serious convo sometime in the near future. As far as family outings and the in-laws, she told him she doesn't feel like visiting the family like they'd planned months ago. That's the time I'll be seeing her.

 

 

How do you know this? Because SHE told you? IF she wanted to divorce, she would. People who fall out of love for real and cannot stand being married anymore DO something about it. And they do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

I agree with you here. This is why the situation is complicated. If you read my post, I said that she was just going through the motions. Not that he's beating her up and stealing her candy. I make her much HAPPIER--better chemistry (not just sexually). We're on the same page about a lot more life goals. I don't criticize everything she does, etc. So it's not that she would be leaving to get away from him as much as she would be leaving to be with me. But again, my intent was not for this part of the situation to be the focal point of discussion, rather what advice is usually given to help a person realize what they need to do to be with the person they really want to be with.

[joey66]

Will she get a divorce? Probably not. But you know her better than we do. What do you think?

 

Like MorningCoffee, I totally get the being in love with her. It hurts like hell. Get used to it.

 

If I may make a gentle suggestion - there are always going to be naysayers and, yes, even haters on a board like this. The thing to do is to take what you can from the responses and ignore the rest. It's not worth letting it bother you.

 

Good luck to you, sir.

[LifesontheUp]

rather what advice is usually given to help a person realize what they need to do to be with the person they really want to be with.

 

Why do you have to make her realise that she really wants to be with you? If she wanted to be with you she would. Thats her decision to make and surely she's big enough to make it on her own?

[SmartBrotha]

Will she get a divorce? Probably not. But you know her better than we do. What do you think?

 

Like MorningCoffee, I totally get the being in love with her. It hurts like hell. Get used to it.

 

If I may make a gentle suggestion - there are always going to be naysayers and, yes, even haters on a board like this. The thing to do is to take what you can from the responses and ignore the rest. It's not worth letting it bother you.

 

Good luck to you, sir.

 

Finally, a real realistic response. I do know her better. And the fact that we picked up our connection (we haven't even seen each other so it's not lust) after all these years says a lot. Thanks for your response.

[SmartBrotha]

Why do you have to make her realise that she really wants to be with you? If she wanted to be with you she would. Thats her decision to make and surely she's big enough to make it on her own?

 

Thanks for your response Life. I'm not trying to convince her that she really wants to be with me. She already realizes that. What I'm looking for on here is more like advice for HER, not me. Something more than "get a divorce" because it's not that easy. How to bring it up...when to bring it up. How to break it to her parents, etc.

[Silly_Girl]

People who fall out of love for real and cannot stand being married anymore DO something about it. And they do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I don't agree. It took me 14 months start to finish, to finally follow my heart. There was no one else, but I knew I didn't want to be married to him. Kissing him repulsed me. I was terribly fond of him, wanted the best for him, thought him a wonderful dad but I wrestled and wrestled and wrestled. I tried to force something wonderful to appear.

 

I broke up with him 14 months after realising we had no place being together, and he then had something akin to a breakdown. And we lived together (separate rooms) throughout and were each other's support. We didn't even tell family for a couple of weeks and friends and neighbours much later.

 

I fully understand the intentions behind a lot of posts that are very black and white, but I struggle because it feels as though 'real life' can be very different.

[U2RockZz]

Thanks for your response Life. I'm not trying to convince her that she really wants to be with me. She already realizes that. What I'm looking for on here is more like advice for HER, not me. Something more than "get a divorce" because it's not that easy. How to bring it up...when to bring it up. How to break it to her parents, etc.

 

 

 

break it to her H first ,other things will fall in place as you like it.....

[SmartBrotha]

I don't agree. It took me 14 months start to finish, to finally follow my heart. There was no one else, but I knew I didn't want to be married to him. Kissing him repulsed me. I was terribly fond of him, wanted the best for him, thought him a wonderful dad but I wrestled and wrestled and wrestled. I tried to force something wonderful to appear.

 

I broke up with him 14 months after realising we had no place being together, and he then had something akin to a breakdown. And we lived together (separate rooms) throughout and were each other's support. We didn't even tell family for a couple of weeks and friends and neighbours much later.

 

I fully understand the intentions behind a lot of posts that are very black and white, but I struggle because it feels as though 'real life' can be very different.

 

Thanks Silly_girl. That's exactly what I've been trying to say. It seems that people would rather preach statistics than acknowledging that although there are patterns, you should take each situation as unique.

[LifesontheUp]

Thanks for your response Life. I'm not trying to convince her that she really wants to be with me. She already realizes that. What I'm looking for on here is more like advice for HER, not me. Something more than "get a divorce" because it's not that easy. How to bring it up...when to bring it up. How to break it to her parents, etc.

 

She needs to decide that on her own as she knows the people involved.

 

If she really wants to do it then she will bring it up at an appropriate time. Think she needs to start with her husband though before her parents and I think she needs to do it soon if she doesn't want to be with her husband any longer. It isn't fair to continue sitting on the fence like this, she needs to take action.

[cavedweller]

SmartBrotha,

 

What is up with all of this right time and right place song and dance?

 

If she wanted to leave him she could pick up the phone and call a divorce lawyer and make it happen...

 

She is not going to do that.

 

The fact is you are in love with a married woman who won't leave her husband.

[SmartBrotha]

SmartBrotha,

 

What is up with all of this right time and right place song and dance?

 

If she wanted to leave him she could pick up the phone and call a divorce lawyer and make it happen...

 

She is not going to do that.

 

The fact is you are in love with a married woman who won't leave her husband.

 

lol...okay. Women spent countless hours in the mall trying to find an outfit but you seriously think it's just that easy for a woman to pick up a phone and make a divorce happen? She's in love with someone else but she's not about to just leave without thinking things out first. Yet another oversimplified response. Question, if this sh-t was that easy, then what's the point of this website? Because clearly there's more to it than picking up a phone. Every woman isn't the same. Millions of women have a hard time saying and doing things that they want to do. Grow up.

[carhill]

OK, here's some advice from an OM and MM....

 

First, she makes an appointment with an IC next week and gets some therapy for her feelings, fears and concerns and to help her clarify *why* she's doing what she's doing.

 

*If* that clarity indicates leaving the marriage, then she contacts a lawyer to assist her in fleshing out scenarios to leave in a way which protects *their* child and affords her what is fair and equitable.

 

If she gets started next week, and works hard, there should be some positive movement within the next year. During this time, without contact, you'll have to *trust* that the *words* she told you about her relationship, *your* relationship and her *actions* are true and sincere. You'll have no way of knowing.

 

If you choose to remain in contact and set yourself up as her confidant, therapist and support, that is what you will be. If she does leave her marriage, you run an exceedingly high risk of being associated with the pain of that process and being dismissed (as a potential future intimate partner) for another potential (I call them orbiters) with whom she can start with fresh. Women are *very* pragmatic, even though we men like to think they are emotional, flighty creatures. Evidence of this is shown by how this married woman dumps all her pain on you but yet remains in her marriage, day in and day out, using you (and other men, in case you're wondering) for her receptacles. This is the best lesson I learned from being a serial OM.

 

So, get her started in IC Monday. The sooner she gets started, the sooner you can be together. Good luck

[cavedweller]

SmartBrotha,

 

My money says she ain't gonna leave her husband for you...

 

All you have to do is ask her---"Are you going to leave the Sun-of-a-beech or not?"

 

my 2 cents

[jwi71]

I moved into my first apartment in college 6 years ago and met the most beautiful and intelligent woman I've ever seen. She lived above me. I found out early on that she had a serious boyfriend and yet we still began to talk and hang out every once in a while, eventually becoming intimate on several occasions. We both tried to pretend that it was probably just empty sexual lust, but something kept telling me I loved her. Finally one day I told her. She told me she thought she loved me as well but was so deep into her relationship/soon-to-be engagement that she just couldn't leave.

 

Let me get this straight.

You loved her and she loved you so she decided to marry her BF. Do I have that right?

 

And you REALLY think she is going to leave her H for you NOW when she choose him over you to begin with? What makes you think she will disrupt her family when she couldn't disrupt it when they weren't even engaged?

 

You can't be serious.

 

Fast foward SIX YEARS. I got engaged in January 2010 but soon realized that the connection I had with my fiancee was good, but not strong enough to sustain a lifetime commitment. One day I decided to look up my dream girl on Facebook. I found her, added her, and within hours we were exchanging messages. FB messages turned to text messages. Text messages turned into her asking me to call her because she wanted to hear my voice.

So this incredible connection you two have - and she couldn't bother to look you up on FB? You tracked her down.

 

What does that say?

She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him.

Fair enough. Have her speak to a family therapist about how divorce, from studies affect children. My IC, when I was seeing one, advised that there is no statistically significant difference in children who are successful in life whether they come from nuclear families or not.

 

However, I can promise you she won't go to one. You've been playing second fiddle to her BF now H for years. You'll never be more than what you are now. Her ACTIONS say so. People who want A's have one. People who want D get one. It IS that simple - you just choose to make it complicated because the alternative is something you would rather not face.

 

I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together.

Maybe so. But you need to look at the choices she makes. She has placed you and your needs second every time. At every opportunity. You keep excusing it away. Her lies and excuses are straight out of the cheater's handbook. I know, you'll reject it outright. You two and your connection are special.

 

Its not.

 

How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?

You can't. Its HER choice and has she EVER put you first? Not from what I can see.

 

Quick, what's the name of her lawyer?

 

It won't be long before she trots out the "Can't leave during the Holidays drivel". Promise.

 

You'll lap it up.

 

She's NOT leaving.

You asked how to convince her to leave. Tell her H. Serious. That'll get things moving.

[Butterfly11]

She told me she thought she loved me as well but was so deep into her relationship/soon-to-be engagement that she just couldn't leave.

Couldn't or didn't want to? I don't understand how IF she loved you and was as into you as you were into her she wouldn't have tried to peruse a relationship with you. Especially if they weren't even engaged yet.

 

It sounds like the MW and her H's relationship might have become a bit more platonic than romantic. But she's content and with you their is lust and passion, but is it truly love?

 

As for her son, it would be difficult with a D but children adjust rather quickly. As long as they have parents that love them and work together to ensure their happiness, they should prosper.

[bentnotbroken]

Fantasy and faith are two completely different things. As many car accidents as there are everyday, are you living in a fantasy because you don't expect to die in one the next time you get in your car? Of course not. I'm not saying I know for sure that she will get a divorce. I wasn't asking whether or not you guys thought she would eventually get a divorce.

 

I was asking for guidance on how to advise someone who I believe genuinely wants to get a divorce. Telling me whether or not she will is a moot point.

 

 

Moot, root or boot.......Hmmm, she married. Advise her to divorce before she sleeps around. It's an opinion public board..deal.

[SmartBrotha]

Moot, root or boot.......Hmmm, she married. Advise her to divorce before she sleeps around. It's an opinion public board..deal.

 

I'm going to assume you meant a public opinion board. Its responses like yours that diminish the quality of discussion boards. Your response was neither insightful NOR relevant to my original post. I know she's married and no one said anything about sleeping around.

 

I respect people's opinions, but leave the random and irrelevant opinions to the kids.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm going to assume you meant a public opinion board. Its responses like yours that diminish the quality of discussion boards. Your response was neither insightful NOR relevant to my original post. I know she's married and no one said anything about sleeping around.

 

I respect people's opinions, but leave the random and irrelevant opinions to the kids.

 

 

Sleeping with another's wife is rather juvenile too. So we agree there are those on here who have the opinions and views of children. Have a good day.

[2sunny]

just be clear with YOURSELF that YOU have choices over what YOU choose to do - or not do... IF you step into this before she is actually divorced - you sign YOURSELF up for a lot of confusion and pain along the way.

 

YOUR choice. do or do not...

[bentnotbroken]

just be clear with YOURSELF that YOU have choices over what YOU choose to do - or not do... IF you step into this before she is actually divorced - you sign YOURSELF up for a lot of confusion and pain along the way.

 

YOUR choice. do or do not...

 

 

Indeed.

[torranceshipman]

Regardless of whether you love each other...those feelings don't give you an automatic right to be together - plus she has a track record of choosing her H over you already. I do think you did the right thing by ending your own engagement.

 

Look at it this way: if you want her, long term, to look at you with respect, as an honorable guy, and as someone of high value, you must make it clear to her that you will NOT be involved with her unless she is, one day, single, but that when/if that day comes, you will be there. Say to her that you love and respect her too much to debase her by helping her sink below her principles to cheat and lie to her family, because she will hatee herself for it and may also end up resenting you for it too. In the long term, if she leaves the H, your R will be 100% better for that. If she stays with the H then you know where her heart really lies.

 

Seriously...read lots of the posts on here - save yourself the heartbreak and keep your distance. If she really is just 'going through the motions' then she will leave him at some pin, especialy if she knows you are waiting for her.