Raderick Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 This weekend was a bit of a surprise: I got a couple phone numbers from women who I talked to at parties and one I met at the donut shop of all places. This is a pretty big confidence booster to me! However when I go about calling or texting these people, either they forget who I am and don't proceed to return contact, they give the "I'm busy" excuse, or they give me the cold shoulder. What makes women give up their phone number or contact information, but not want to hang out further?
carhill Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 So you'll call them and validate their ego. That's one simple and common explanation. It costs them nothing. Next time, be a bit more daring. If you sense that you and she are 'getting on', ask her out immediately, in person. Accept a yes or no as truth and respond with a smile.
Author Raderick Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Next time, be a bit more daring. If you sense that you and she are 'getting on', ask her out immediately, in person. Accept a yes or no as truth and respond with a smile. Well it's really hard to set anything in stone right then and there due to my schedule being what it is at the moment. I usually say I'll call you so we can go out (usually the next day).
zengirl Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 This weekend was a bit of a surprise: I got a couple phone numbers from women who I talked to at parties and one I met at the donut shop of all places. This is a pretty big confidence booster to me! However when I go about calling or texting these people, either they forget who I am and don't proceed to return contact, they give the "I'm busy" excuse, or they give me the cold shoulder. What makes women give up their phone number or contact information, but not want to hang out further? Not wanting to say no in person. . . some gals struggle with it and just figure they can screen you away in the age of Caller I.D. Being on the fence, then thinking about it, and reconsidering. . . maybe at that particular moment, they were feeling a need for attention that you validated and seemed like an option, but then they considered, and. . . well, you know the rest. Wanting just to be called. Circumstances in their lives changing. Except for the latter, I don't do any of these things (I have given a fellow my number and then gotten serious with someone in between the time I gave it and when he called). I think the suggestion to build rapport in person and then ask her out is a good one. If you don't know schedules, you could ask her to do a specific thing and say "maybe _______________ day and time" and say you'll call the next day to firm up.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 This weekend was a bit of a surprise: I got a couple phone numbers from women who I talked to at parties and one I met at the donut shop of all places. This is a pretty big confidence booster to me! However when I go about calling or texting these people, either they forget who I am and don't proceed to return contact, they give the "I'm busy" excuse, or they give me the cold shoulder. What makes women give up their phone number or contact information, but not want to hang out further? women won't hang out with somebody one-on-one, unless they're comfortable. getting a number is merely a method of getting back in touch and most give it because there's at least a little interest there. there's always the exception however; I.e. if they're cornered by you just out right asking and they have to be nice. I wonder, how fluid was the number exchange? was it forced? or do you guys know enough people in common or have enough common interest where it just organically took place? I'm also curious what you text them? is it something designed to make her smile that references back to a conversation you guys had?? it wasn't something like "hey, what's up?" was it?? do tell.
You'reasian Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 (edited) I agree with Carhill. Gotta be more bold and or interesting with the women. You are getting phone numbers which means that you are able to initiate contact and generate interest. There could be a number of reasons why they don't return the call: They are very busy They aren't that interested They are saturated with guys who are interested in them They're trying to save money on phone useage Someone is jacking with you Edited August 3, 2010 by You'reasian
carhill Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 If one doesn't know their schedule, then one isn't ready to schedule dates, ergo don't date. I can tell you with specificity where I'll be on a specific day and time months from now. It's called, gasp, scheduling. Each of us has a *choice* as to how we approach this. You *can* schedule a 'date' and, if an interesting and available potential presents herself, execute. For example, I know I'll be taking one of the old cars out Friday and Saturday nights for a cruise, burger and some 'car talk' with fellow hobbyists. If one of the ladies I've had my eye on presents as an 'opportunity', I'll ask her to join me. If not, I might run into one at the cruise-in. Lots of ladies my age appear to like old cars Adapt to your circumstances as appropriate. If you're too busy to date, you don't date. Enjoy your busy and move on with your life. I work with 'busy' people and often have a hectic schedule myself. We each decide how busy we want to be. No one else controls that. At your age, maybe you think they do, but they really don't. It's all about choice, just like dating. Good luck with yours
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Adapt to your circumstances as appropriate. If you're too busy to date, you don't date. Enjoy your busy and move on with your life. I work with 'busy' people and often have a hectic schedule myself. We each decide how busy we want to be. No one else controls that. At your age, maybe you think they do, but they really don't. It's all about choice, just like dating. Good luck with yours You're confusing "busy" with "not knowing my schedule". My schedule mostly aligns with work, not busy because I'm hanging out with people. I have a pretty steady 9-5 job (most people my age can't say that they have that) but often I have work on the side that comes from time to time, and thus I work on that. Thus when I say "I don't know my schedule", it's because things like that come up. But next time I'll heed the suggestions posted. Thanks!
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 women won't hang out with somebody one-on-one, unless they're comfortable. getting a number is merely a method of getting back in touch and most give it because there's at least a little interest there. there's always the exception however; I.e. if they're cornered by you just out right asking and they have to be nice. I wonder, how fluid was the number exchange? was it forced? or do you guys know enough people in common or have enough common interest where it just organically took place? I'm also curious what you text them? is it something designed to make her smile that references back to a conversation you guys had?? it wasn't something like "hey, what's up?" was it?? do tell. Well, I do get to try to know the person a bit before I do ask for their number. I'll throw an example out there: I met a gal at a party that did some playful teasing of my first name. We chatted for a very brief bit but I had to take off home. Fast forward to a few days later where we meet again. This time we chat a lot more, and I decide to say "Lets exchange numbers, we should do coffee next week" and she responds with a simple "ok". We exchange numbers, we chat some more, and I leave the party. I call once, left a voice mail message. Next day I text her to see how she's doing and I get a "who are you?". I respond back "That guy who you've been calling (insert name here) at the party!". She doesn't respond. I text once more hoping she didn't forget about me, doesn't respond. I give it one more whirl via phone call, goes to voice mail.
alphamale Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 What makes women give up their phone number or contact information, but not want to hang out further? because they want to get out of the situation while also being "nice". most of 'em figure they'll turn you down when you call or just ignore you altogether
You'reasian Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Well, I do get to try to know the person a bit before I do ask for their number. I'll throw an example out there: I met a gal at a party that did some playful teasing of my first name. We chatted for a very brief bit but I had to take off home. Fast forward to a few days later where we meet again. This time we chat a lot more, and I decide to say "Lets exchange numbers, we should do coffee next week" and she responds with a simple "ok". We exchange numbers, we chat some more, and I leave the party. I call once, left a voice mail message. Next day I text her to see how she's doing and I get a "who are you?". I respond back "That guy who you've been calling (insert name here) at the party!". She doesn't respond. I text once more hoping she didn't forget about me, doesn't respond. I give it one more whirl via phone call, goes to voice mail. Unless she was hammer drunk, almost sounds like you're dropping in on someone elses girl.
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Almost sounds like you're dropping in on someone elses girl. She's 100% single, we have mutual friends who's confirmed this to me.
You'reasian Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 She's 100% single, we have mutual friends who's confirmed this to me. When the girl asks 'Who are you?' it indicates something isn't quite right.
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 When the girl asks 'Who are you?' it indicates something isn't quite right. Maybe it's possible she never saved my phone number. I remember my phone wasn't acting quite right when I was getting her number, so she called me so it would be in mine so that when it did work, I could just save it in my contacts.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Maybe it's possible she never saved my phone number. I remember my phone wasn't acting quite right when I was getting her number, so she called me so it would be in mine so that when it did work, I could just save it in my contacts. okay... a few things. one. when you exchange numbers, hand her your phone and have her call herself; or literally exchange phones and make sure your name is associated with your number and vise versa. if they're not down to do that, you clearly haven't built enough interest. two. and some may disagree with me here but eff them. TEXT her! keep it short, keep it super light and funny, cocky even, make it reference back to a convo you had wherever, and always end your first text with your name! e.g. -Scott. texts are waaaay less of an issue for girls than answering a call they're not ready for. women LOVE getting texts. just keep em short, and written in a way where you're trying to get them to smile, not get information. No conversations really. no answering, questions like "what you up to?" seriously. keep things FUN and build interest to the point where she'll wanna take your calls.
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 okay... a few things. one. when you exchange numbers, hand her your phone and have her call herself; or literally exchange phones and make sure your name is associated with your number and vise versa. if they're not down to do that, you clearly haven't built enough interest. two. and some may disagree with me here but eff them. TEXT her! keep it short, keep it super light and funny, cocky even, make it reference back to a convo you had wherever, and always end your first text with your name! e.g. -Scott. texts are waaaay less of an issue for girls than answering a call they're not ready for. women LOVE getting texts. just keep em short, and written in a way where you're trying to get them to smile, not get information. No conversations really. no answering, questions like "what you up to?" seriously. keep things FUN and build interest to the point where she'll wanna take your calls. I don't mind the texting part - in fact I feel just a bit more comfortable texting before calling. But always when it gets more complicated or if it's to book a date, always to call. But I get the number exchanging part, something to think about next time!
that girl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So you'll call them and validate their ego. That's one simple and common explanation. It costs them nothing. I really don't think many girls do this. The much more common reason is that when you asked, they didn't know how to say no. Following that, is it seemed like a good idea at the time, but after thinking about it, they're not interested. I'll throw an example out there: I met a gal at a party that did some playful teasing of my first name. We chatted for a very brief bit but I had to take off home. Fast forward to a few days later where we meet again. This time we chat a lot more, and I decide to say "Lets exchange numbers, we should do coffee next week" and she responds with a simple "ok". We exchange numbers, we chat some more, and I leave the party. I call once, left a voice mail message. This to me sounds like she might have not been interested, but didn't know how to get out of it without hurting your feelings. Next day I text her to see how she's doing and I get a "who are you?". I respond back "That guy who you've been calling (insert name here) at the party!". She doesn't respond. I text once more hoping she didn't forget about me, doesn't respond. I give it one more whirl via phone call, goes to voice mail. I think texting is a bad idea in this situation. Unless she put your number in her phone, she isn't going to know who you are. I get random texts occasionally that aren't for me and I just ignore them. Call instead. And max of 2 calls if you don't get a response. one. when you exchange numbers, hand her your phone and have her call herself; or literally exchange phones and make sure your name is associated with your number and vise versa. if they're not down to do that, you clearly haven't built enough interest. Girls know about this trick, but honestly some will hand their phone over because they just don't know how to say no. two. and some may disagree with me here but eff them. TEXT her! keep it short, keep it super light and funny, cocky even, make it reference back to a convo you had wherever, and always end your first text with your name! e.g. -Scott. I can't imagine a text message from a guy I barely met that would make me think "God, this guy is awesome." And really, unless your name is something really uncommon and you're 100% sure she'll remember it, the call is clearer. Scott could be her cousin's name, but "Hey, this is Scott, we met at Beth's party" is super clear.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I can't imagine a text message from a guy I barely met that would make me think "God, this guy is awesome." And really, unless your name is something really uncommon and you're 100% sure she'll remember it, the call is clearer. Scott could be her cousin's name, but "Hey, this is Scott, we met at Beth's
zengirl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 okay... a few things. one. when you exchange numbers, hand her your phone and have her call herself; or literally exchange phones and make sure your name is associated with your number and vise versa. if they're not down to do that, you clearly haven't built enough interest. This is solid advice, especially at your age. Or text right away and say "Now, you've got my number." Any girl who is interested will save it then and remember who you are. two. and some may disagree with me here but eff them. TEXT her! keep it short, keep it super light and funny, cocky even, make it reference back to a convo you had wherever, and always end your first text with your name! e.g. -Scott. I agree with the name thing and with reaching out initially via text (UNLESS you say you'll call or she asks you to call; do what you say you'll do in every way possible). But don't get into text-mania about it. It's just kind of awkward when someone you don't actually know (yet!) calls you unexpectedly. Starting with a brief text doesn't hurt. I disagree with being cocky, of course. I'd say keep it light and direct. Not in a cocky way, but in an honest, know-what-you-want, straightforward way. Doing what you say you'll do and being both honest and direct early on will also help later, whereas being too cheeky or cocky about it will cause some girls doubts later. You never lose anything by being light. . . and you should generally be light. I mean, you don't know the girl. Your investment should be appropriate to that. texts are waaaay less of an issue for girls than answering a call they're not ready for. women LOVE getting texts. just keep em short, and written in a way where you're trying to get them to smile, not get information. No conversations really. no answering, questions like "what you up to?" seriously. keep things FUN and build interest to the point where she'll wanna take your calls. I will say that too many of the early trying-to-get-you-to-smile texts don't actually make me smile and, in fact, make me cringe, and I've had many conversations with other girls who felt the same way, so. . . unless you have a rapport or are in the upper echelon of witty, I wouldn't try to hard with that. I agree with the no conversations, no needless questions (I hate when someone writes me "What are you up to?" when they don't know me). I'd say just be fairly direct. The best way to get information without risking anyone getting their hackles up about it is still to give information---make your interest and intentions clear and approach with a plan of action. This is where the schedule thing is probably killing the OP. Wishy washy sucks.
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 you were supposed to wait three days. That rules is still followed to this day? Sigh...
Author Raderick Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 This is solid advice, especially at your age. Or text right away and say "Now, you've got my number." Any girl who is interested will save it then and remember who you are. I agree with the name thing and with reaching out initially via text (UNLESS you say you'll call or she asks you to call; do what you say you'll do in every way possible). But don't get into text-mania about it. It's just kind of awkward when someone you don't actually know (yet!) calls you unexpectedly. Starting with a brief text doesn't hurt. I disagree with being cocky, of course. I'd say keep it light and direct. Not in a cocky way, but in an honest, know-what-you-want, straightforward way. Doing what you say you'll do and being both honest and direct early on will also help later, whereas being too cheeky or cocky about it will cause some girls doubts later. You never lose anything by being light. . . and you should generally be light. I mean, you don't know the girl. Your investment should be appropriate to that. I will say that too many of the early trying-to-get-you-to-smile texts don't actually make me smile and, in fact, make me cringe, and I've had many conversations with other girls who felt the same way, so. . . unless you have a rapport or are in the upper echelon of witty, I wouldn't try to hard with that. I agree with the no conversations, no needless questions (I hate when someone writes me "What are you up to?" when they don't know me). I'd say just be fairly direct. The best way to get information without risking anyone getting their hackles up about it is still to give information---make your interest and intentions clear and approach with a plan of action. This is where the schedule thing is probably killing the OP. Wishy washy sucks. That is what I'm trying to avoid at all costs - being wishy washy and being a flake. I pride myself to doing something and following through, I know many of my friends can't say the same. I try to say "I'll let you know by X and Y" because I can say to my boss who books projects for me "Don't give me anything between this day and that day". It's good in a way because I get to be legitimately busy and not be too available to the woman .
jamesum Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 They didnt know how to reject you. People shouldnt ask for numbers unless they are sure the other person is interested.
zengirl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 That is what I'm trying to avoid at all costs - being wishy washy and being a flake. I pride myself to doing something and following through, I know many of my friends can't say the same. I try to say "I'll let you know by X and Y" because I can say to my boss who books projects for me "Don't give me anything between this day and that day". It's good in a way because I get to be legitimately busy and not be too available to the woman . Yes, but these people don't know you or this situation. What looks wishy washy from a distance and what is wishy washy are not the same. I would find it odd if a fellow didn't know his schedule when I met him, and I would think that meant he was either not telling me something or unreliable in some way. . . unless I knew something else that indicated otherwise. Trust comes out of instinct and rapport too, not just information, so it's not just a killer. . . but this is one of those on-paper things where the first bit of it seems wishy washy. Worth understanding that to negate the effect. They didnt know how to reject you. People shouldnt ask for numbers unless they are sure the other person is interested. Oh, goodness, you're probably right about the reason they didn't call back, but there is absolutely no way to be sure someone else is interested at that stage. There are ways to get an idea, form an opinion, build a case, but you can never be 100% sure what another person thinks. At any rate, what Raderick describes is a bummer but he shouldn't go in the opposite direction and wait to be absolutely sure because that just begs anxieties to rise up. Trying too much to analyze the other person's interest leads to Crazy Town. That rules is still followed to this day? Sigh... FWIW, I've never had a relationship that started with the guy waiting 3 days to call me. And not because I drop anyone who does wholesale exactly. . . I think it's silly when they do so nervously, and I definitely drop anyone if I see any hints of attempts at control and manipulation, of course, but it's just not how organic relationships have seemed to evolve.
Author Raderick Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Yes, but these people don't know you or this situation. What looks wishy washy from a distance and what is wishy washy are not the same. I would find it odd if a fellow didn't know his schedule when I met him, and I would think that meant he was either not telling me something or unreliable in some way. . . unless I knew something else that indicated otherwise. Trust comes out of instinct and rapport too, not just information, so it's not just a killer. . . but this is one of those on-paper things where the first bit of it seems wishy washy. Worth understanding that to negate the effect. Then what is the best approach, may I ask? I tried to set a date with someone some time ago when I first started this gig which led to a disaster when it came to scheduling. I set something set in stone with her, but I had to postpone merely 6 hours before the date because a new project came in that I simply could not turn down (lets just say it had $$$ written all over it). We rescheduled only for her to flake out because she decided to get back with her ex-boyfriend. I'm having a hard time finding a middle ground. Oh, goodness, you're probably right about the reason they didn't call back, but there is absolutely no way to be sure someone else is interested at that stage. There are ways to get an idea, form an opinion, build a case, but you can never be 100% sure what another person thinks. At any rate, what Raderick describes is a bummer but he shouldn't go in the opposite direction and wait to be absolutely sure because that just begs anxieties to rise up. Trying too much to analyze the other person's interest leads to Crazy Town. Not only is it a bad idea, I experience anxiety a lot and it drives me crazy. I usually only dive in which I get solid hints that the woman is into me (or she says it flat out) but only recently have I decided to go in cold to get to know someone.
Recommended Posts