brainygirl Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 So I've been seeing a guy for a while now. Actually its been about four months. We've been kinda going really slow as far as building up a relationship. I think because we both have issues with trust and life issues like education, career, and kids, that make dating complicated. So here's the question. I am no good at knowing how much contact is appropriate. I tend to contact too much, as in texting a lot, or I will back off and not contact for a while and he'll call or text and ask what's up. So, we had a fun night last night, but I had to get home early this morning, and to be honest I am not good at the whole get up and get gone part of grown up sleep overs. Between feeling like I left something unsaid or said wrong this morning and something he said last night when we were at his friend's house, I kinda wanna have a conversation with him about him and me and "us". On the one hand, we get along well and enjoy each other's company. We definitely find each other attractive and fun to be around. He talks about going camping together or taking a trip to a casino/hotel one weekend. On the other hand, we haven't had "the relationship talk" yet and I don't know if he's keeping things casual because he's just not wanting something serious, or because he's got trust issues or because he's not sure where I stand. And to be honest, I may kinda like the more casual nature of the relationship too. I like where we are now. I don't want to go from being two people who date each other to being two people attached at the hip. I'm afraid to mess that up, but I know that too much "go with the flow" equals pushover. I dunno what my point is other than, wondering what the guys on the board thing about the situation. Would you rather have a talk about where things now stand and where they might be going or would you rather just enjoy the times and not worry about the future? Incidentally, we live 70 miles apart and I have not intentions of moving closer any time sooner than a year, and he's just started a two year training program so he's not planning on moving either.
paleblue Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Umm, I guess i would kinda assume im dating this person exclusively by now if its 4 months down the road.. ya know??? I mean there is nothing wrong with saying hey im liking this so i just want to make sure we are both on the same page.... but other than that i think it sounds like you are good to go.
spookie Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Would you rather have a talk about where things now stand and where they might be going or would you rather just enjoy the times and not worry about the future? Having been in a relationship where I wound up feeling like words meant nothing, I prefer to be "shown" where I stand. IMO, if it's not obvious someone's making you a priority, he's probably not. His actions should be telling you everything. That said, if you're uncomfortable sleeping with someone without being exclusive, I think that's an important to bring up. But committing to not fcvkign anyone else IMO is different from committing to a relationship.
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I guess I'm just not the best communicator and tend to be a procrastinator too, so the idea of even asking him to pin down where he was with us scares me a little.
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I guess I'm just not the best communicator and tend to be a procrastinator too, so the idea of even asking him to pin down where he was with us scares me a little. I don't think you need to pin everything down, but I'd pin the exclusivity thing just to ease your mind. W/ my bf, I did it before I even considered us "together". We were at Taco Bell a couple days after first having sex, and I just said, "You can't sleep with anyone else if you want to keep sleeping with me."
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I don't think you need to pin everything down, but I'd pin the exclusivity thing just to ease your mind. W/ my bf, I did it before I even considered us "together". We were at Taco Bell a couple days after first having sex, and I just said, "You can't sleep with anyone else if you want to keep sleeping with me." I sent him a text and asked him if he considered us a couple . . . . probably too direct and gonna back fire in my face. Stuff like this always seems to . . .
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Personally, I think it is best to let the that part of the conversation just materialize naturally. I haven't had the forced relationship talk since high school, really. I believe that if two adults are dating and things are going well, just let nature take it's course and you eventually end up in a relationship and you both will understand this. The conversation just seem to happen in many ways or two people just seem to just have a silent, mutual understanding.
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I sent him a text and asked him if he considered us a couple . . . . probably too direct and gonna back fire in my face. Stuff like this always seems to . . . Probably not the most romantic way to get yourself into a relationship. It is now legal for him to tell you that you two are no longer a couple via text.
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Personally, I think it is best to let the that part of the conversation just materialize naturally. I haven't had the forced relationship talk since high school, really. I believe that if two adults are dating and things are going well, just let nature take it's course and you eventually end up in a relationship and you both will understand this. The conversation just seem to happen in many ways or two people just seem to just have a silent, mutual understanding. Here's the thing, we started out pretty casual. And he tried pretty hard to push me away for a while. But its like I either won him over or he decided I was alright because he stopped pushing. He's invited me to camping trips to meet his friends and last night we hung out with a friend of his. He and his buddy were talking relationships. His friend is seriously upset over a recent divorce and we were basically keeping the guy company for a little while. He says something along the lines of "I'm still hurt from when (ex) broke up with me, that's why I'm so distant with (brainy)." It was meant for his friend. Not for me, but I was in the room. And so I'm thinking too much about it, because that's what I do. I over think things. I worry at things. And I'm stuck between "he's leading me on because he likes the sex" and "he's into me and taking these things slow because he's been hurt before and we aren't silly teenagers anymore" Which gets me back to ARGH!
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Probably not the most romantic way to get yourself into a relationship. It is now legal for him to tell you that you two are no longer a couple via text. And there's part of me that thinks I might be better off if this did end. I like simple. A guy that lives 70 miles away with his own laundry list of issues isn't simple.
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) And there's part of me that thinks I might be better off if this did end. I like simple. A guy that lives 70 miles away with his own laundry list of issues isn't simple. You are right! 70 miles + issues = not simple! I am not sure if you are into the whole "world of hurt" thing that's sweeping the nation but 70 miles plus laundry list of issues is what this amounts up to. Seventy miles alone can amount up to this and then you have to thrown the whole laundry list in. Of course you won't share the items on the list because you don't want to hear what you know you will likely be told. Right? It goes little something like this: "He has violent tendencies and does drugs as well" "Kick him to the curb, girlfriend!" "But I love him!" Edited July 31, 2010 by Sabali
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 You are right! 70 miles + issues = not simple! I am not sure if you are into the whole "world of hurt" thing that's sweeping the nation but 70 miles plus laundry list of issues is what this amounts up to. Seventy miles alone can amount up to this and then you have to thrown the whole laundry list in. Of course you won't share the items on the list because you don't want to hear what you know you will likely be told. Right? It goes little something like this: "He has violent tendencies and does drugs as well" "Kick him to the curb, girlfriend!" "But I love him!" no violence. He's a pussycat. He dropped out of high school and just recently completed his GED and is starting a vocational program next month. He used to do drugs and still drinks what I consider to be a lot of alcohol (roaring drunk at least two nights a week). He's been laid off and unemployed for months and his really struggling finacially and recently pawned his laptop for money that I'm pretty sure he spent on cigs and booze. He has done things like talk about how hot other women he's dated are or actresses on movies we watch are. I guess I tend to focus on the positive attributes over negative or worrisome because of my own issues. But yeah, this probably ought to end. And I'm too big a wuss to just end it.
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) no violence. He's a pussycat. He dropped out of high school and just recently completed his GED and is starting a vocational program next month. He used to do drugs and still drinks what I consider to be a lot of alcohol (roaring drunk at least two nights a week). He's been laid off and unemployed for months and his really struggling finacially and recently pawned his laptop for money that I'm pretty sure he spent on cigs and booze. He has done things like talk about how hot other women he's dated are or actresses on movies we watch are. I guess I tend to focus on the positive attributes over negative or worrisome because of my own issues. But yeah, this probably ought to end. And I'm too big a wuss to just end it. Wow. Well, just for the record I just have to tell you that you should not "probably ought to end" end it. You should definitely end it! I am just curious with all of the red flags why you want to stick around? Really. I mean, not a superficial reason but a real deep reason of why you want to keep him. He's broke and you want to fix him. You may not realize this but the universe does. It has to be more than simply focusing on the positive because no positives can make up for such negatives considering that you are not married to him and you are not the mother of his children. I do not intend for you to answer that statement I just am thinking out loud here. But I do want you to realize that roaring drunk at least twice per week is an alcoholic. You can call him that, Boo, because that is what he is. On top of being laid off for months, living in the past with his ex and screwing up his future with you by being distant physically and mentally, and"used" to do drugs he can be summed up under one word and you know what that word is. Just find an outlaw biker in your town. At least the distance will not be an issue. Brainygirl, don't let your name be an irony, sweetheart. You know what you have to do here. You don't have to do it tomorrow but it will be only harder if you do it the day after tomorrow. I wish you the best! Edited July 31, 2010 by Sabali
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 BG... you seem to have your s!ht together. You capable of giving good advice to other people, so why are you with this dude? If he's not a total loser (questionable) he's in no state to be in a healthy relationship. How'd you meet him anyway? While he was "pushing you away", why didn't you run??? Wouldn't it make you nervous to have this guy around your kids? If your daughter started dating a guy like this, what would you tell her???
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 you guys are both right. I don't know why I get attracted to these types. I could blame my childhood, but my choices are my own. I know I have self esteem issues that have more to do with body image. I tend to hear and see negative things said about women (fat, kids ect) and internalize them to mayself more than I should. And then I convince myself that no guy of any quality will be interested in me. And then that leaves the lower quality ones.
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 you guys are both right. I don't know why I get attracted to these types. I could blame my childhood, but my choices are my own. I know I have self esteem issues that have more to do with body image. I tend to hear and see negative things said about women (fat, kids ect) and internalize them to mayself more than I should. And then I convince myself that no guy of any quality will be interested in me. And then that leaves the lower quality ones. Not saying it's not ok to be fat, or calling you that, but if body image is a source of stress to you, have you considered losing weight? There are more benefits to working out, eating right, and being fit than just knowing other people think you look good. Personally, my self esteem problems and tendency to fall into depressions have been easily mitigated by all the running I do. It just makes you a healthier person, so you feel better about yourself, and are less willing to make unhealthy choices (like dating this guy) that compromise those feelings of well-being.
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Not saying it's not ok to be fat, but if body image is a source of stress to you, have you considered losing weight? There are more benefits to working out, eating right, and being fit than just knowing other people think you look good. Personally, my self esteem problems and tendency to fall into depressions have been easily mitigated by all the running I do. It just makes you a healthier person, so you feel better about yourself, and are less willing to make unhealthy choices (like dating this guy) that compromise those feelings of well-being. I am working on my weight. I eat right and take a two mile walk a few times a week. So its not like I'm all "woe is me" without acting on it. But I know the reality is that people who have been significantly overweight don't tend to permenently loose it. I'm supposed to remain single and celibate until I'm acceptable to the "right guys"? There is more to me than my weight.
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I am working on my weight. I eat right and take a two mile walk a few times a week. So its not like I'm all "woe is me" without acting on it. But I know the reality is that people who have been significantly overweight don't tend to permenently loose it. I'm supposed to remain single and celibate until I'm acceptable to the "right guys"? There is more to me than my weight. I wasn't talking about your weight at all. I was talking about exercise. Breathing hard and getting sweaty, the act itself. There's a learning curve involved, but IMO, regardless of whether there are ANY physical changes, working out consistently completely changes how you feel about yourself and the world for the better. I just mentioned it because you brought up being drawn to these guys because of self-esteem issues. In my experience beating myself physically by pushing my body to the brink, left me uninterested in beating myself emotionally, which as a person w/ low self esteem, I loved to do.
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I wasn't talking about your weight at all. I was talking about exercise. Breathing hard and getting sweaty, the act itself. There's a learning curve involved, but IMO, regardless of whether there are ANY physical changes, working out consistently completely changes how you feel about yourself and the world for the better. I just mentioned it because you brought up being drawn to these guys because of self-esteem issues. In my experience beating myself physically by pushing my body to the brink, left me uninterested in beating myself emotionally, which as a person w/ low self esteem, I loved to do. worth a try then. I've been put on antidepressants in the past, but hated some of the side effects and didn't really notice any improvement in what they were meant to help.
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 You don't need to be celibate, and there's nothing wrong with the philosophy of having a Mr. Right Now while you're looking for Mr. Right. But if sex is the best thing you're getting from this guy, you have more (and better) options which don't involve alcoholics and dudes who pawn off their laptops for cigarettes.
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 worth a try then. I've been put on antidepressants in the past, but hated some of the side effects and didn't really notice any improvement in what they were meant to help. Honestly... my best advice is take up jogging. It's painful at first and you wonder why anyone does it, but you don't need to kill yourself. With practice it stops being painful, but you can always count on the runner's high to make you feel good (and healthy and alert) for hours.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 BG, Can I ask you how often do you see this guy and how often do you communicate in between the dates and who initiates the most communication?
Author brainygirl Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 You don't need to be celibate, and there's nothing wrong with the philosophy of having a Mr. Right Now while you're looking for Mr. Right. But if sex is the best thing you're getting from this guy, you have more (and better) options which don't involve alcoholics and dudes who pawn off their laptops for cigarettes. I hope so, cause he hasn't bothered to answer that text I sent him, and its been a few hours. HE does that, ignores texts or calls when he's not quite comfortable with the topic.
spookie Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I hope so, cause he hasn't bothered to answer that text I sent him, and its been a few hours. HE does that, ignores texts or calls when he's not quite comfortable with the topic. I think putting yourself through this crap is feeding into the low self esteem. Is whatever you're getting from him really worth all the damage?
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I am working on my weight. I eat right and take a two mile walk a few times a week. So its not like I'm all "woe is me" without acting on it. But I know the reality is that people who have been significantly overweight don't tend to permenently loose it. I'm supposed to remain single and celibate until I'm acceptable to the "right guys"? There is more to me than my weight. Hey, I know many, many guys that would hit that in the bedroom even though you are overweight. These guys are every where and enough of them are even in good shape! I know because we talk about things over cold beers. I am not sure why so many women get so hung up on it that they feel that have to be bottom feeders. I am definitely not condoning being out of shape but just don't let being out of shape give you a free pass to pick scrape your man from the bottom of the barrel.
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