How do you know if a girl you're dating/in a relationship with finds you attractive?

[Kamille]

 

Men are a bit optimistic in trying to gauge a women's interest level yes. What happens if we don't? Oh she's not that interested I think... I won't bother going up to her then.

 

I tend to believe in my personal opinion, men are sexually aggressive while women are sexually receptive.

 

 

The research behind it explained it as some kind of evolutionary mechanism. Over-estimating women's interest meant that men were more willing to take risks on the dating market.

[Kamille]

But that involves [gasp] communicating. I think most marital problems, including the sexless marriage and marrying the wrong person, come down to a lack of communication. And I don't think it's usually got anything to do with one person lying about or even adeptly hiding their intentions. . . most people just don't want to see things or ask about them!

 

Totally agree. It took me a long time to be able to communicate in a healthy manner in a relationship, and, hell, I'm still working on it. I would trip myself up on my own issues and sense of shame or desire to be liked. Communicating is tough, because it also means being honest and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But, of course, I also believe good communication comes with trust, and trust is something that is build over time, as you get to know the other person.

[counterman]

I think I may have overestimated women's interest in me a few times. I'm not sure. My self-approval and confidence in my appearance is healthy, I think, and it's not to the point where I am blowing hot air all the time.

 

This question has never crossed my mind before coming across this thread. I think part of the reason why is that I assume the girl is attracted to me if she's interested, and agrees to date. Though, of course, it depends on our further interactions where I would be of a more extroverted nature. I quite like the idea that JadedHeart presented of assuming and act, if she's receptive then yes and if she's not, then no, she doesn't find you attractive. But, so what if she doesn't?

 

I have heard of stories where people go into relationships not being physically attracted to the other person. Looking back, this may have been the case in my last relationship where my girlfriend rarely touched me, didn't initiate any physical interactions and subsequently told me off when I tried something as little as to hold her hand, let alone give her a hug. So, yes, I don't think she found me very attractive. Although, it had less to do with my physical appearance, I think, and more to do with our incompatibility. Nevertheless, I "felt" unattractive when I was with her.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have also noticed that some men are more concerned with getting a woman they feel they can show off than having a real connection. To them, the external validation they get from having the woman on their arm outweighs the dissatisfaction of what's missing in the relationship. An arrangement like this is very unlikely to last, though, as both parties are eventually going to get sick of going without what's missing -- real love and affection.

[GoodOnPaper]

I have also noticed that some men are more concerned with getting a woman they feel they can show off than having a real connection. To them, the external validation they get from having the woman on their arm outweighs the dissatisfaction of what's missing in the relationship. An arrangement like this is very unlikely to last, though, as both parties are eventually going to get sick of going without what's missing -- real love and affection.

 

I imagine that one party is probably getting love and affection. Described this way, the picture sounds so sinister. I can think of another variation that would be easy to fall into -- especially if the man doesn't attract women easily. The man may be concerned with getting a woman he feels would simply be considered attractive or "cute" in general. To him, avoiding being seen as a loser who can't attract women might outweigh potential dissatisfaction in the relationship. Of course, it's still a bad foundation for a relationship . . .

 

If the OP is aware that some women would want to "tie him down to a bed", his gut instincts about perceiving women's attraction toward him can't be too far off. On the other hand, if a woman ever felt strongly enough about me physically to want to "tie me down to a bed", I would have to assume that I slipped into some kind of Twilight Zone . . .

[Ruby Slippers]

On the other hand, if a woman ever felt strongly enough about me physically to want to "tie me down to a bed", I would have to assume that I slipped into some kind of Twilight Zone . . .

I have wanted to tie every guy I've had a relationship with down to a bed. In fact, I did tie up a few of them (with their consent).

 

I wouldn't bother being with someone I didn't feel this way about.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think that's basically the ticket.

But that involves [gasp] communicating. I think most marital problems, including the sexless marriage and marrying the wrong person, come down to a lack of communication. And I don't think it's usually got anything to do with one person lying about or even adeptly hiding their intentions. . . most people just don't want to see things or ask about them!

 

I think it's much more complicated than just basic communication.

 

The problem is that attraction often changes over time.

 

From age 21-23 I was married to a woman who I'm very certain was not attracted to me. At the time I could not understand it. I had a good amount of female attention from everyone but her. Now I look back and realize that she didn't understand herself what the problem was.

 

All the communication in the world can't fix some problems.

[that girl]

I think the huge sex fall off some marriages have is a different issue than a woman being attracted to a guy she is just dating.

 

A decent amount of the time, if a woman isn't sleeping with her husband, it is because over a period of years she has felt taken advantage of, ignored, and not supported. I know lots of guys claim they were doing more than their fair share and they still weren't getting any and I'm not saying that doesn't happen. But a whole bunch studies have shown a direct correlation between how much housework men do and how often they get laid. They've also shown most men overestimate how much they do.

 

But back to the real question, how do you tell if a woman you are dating is physically attracted to you? I think the biggest sign is how much she touches you. A woman who is really attracted to you will want to hold your hand, she'll want to snuggle with you, she'll kiss you for no reason. People vary a lot in the particular ways they do things- some people are more into PDAs, some don't have sex before marriage, but a woman who is really attracted to you will want to touch you.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think the huge sex fall off some marriages have is a different issue than a woman being attracted to a guy she is just dating.

 

A decent amount of the time, if a woman isn't sleeping with her husband, it is because over a period of years she has felt taken advantage of, ignored, and not supported. I know lots of guys claim they were doing more than their fair share and they still weren't getting any and I'm not saying that doesn't happen. But a whole bunch studies have shown a direct correlation between how much housework men do and how often they get laid. They've also shown most men overestimate how much they do.

 

But back to the real question, how do you tell if a woman you are dating is physically attracted to you? I think the biggest sign is how much she touches you. A woman who is really attracted to you will want to hold your hand, she'll want to snuggle with you, she'll kiss you for no reason. People vary a lot in the particular ways they do things- some people are more into PDAs, some don't have sex before marriage, but a woman who is really attracted to you will want to touch you.

 

Exactly. If you feel like you are hanging out with a friend, then she is probably not into you.

[zengirl]

I think it's much more complicated than just basic communication.

 

The problem is that attraction often changes over time.

 

From age 21-23 I was married to a woman who I'm very certain was not attracted to me. At the time I could not understand it. I had a good amount of female attention from everyone but her. Now I look back and realize that she didn't understand herself what the problem was.

 

All the communication in the world can't fix some problems.

 

Well, you have to be self-communicating first, of course. Her attraction didn't change over time (though I agree that can happen) in this story. You said she wasn't attracted to you in the first place.