bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 High - hope that you are doing better. Gray said it all, but once again she did not leave a crack of a door open for you, she slammed it shut on your nuts but you are not willing to see it. Just because she can't say the words "I don't love you" her actions are screaming it at you. I get that you love this girl, we all love our exes. We are all mourning the loss of the good ole days. Leave her be, she is hurting and if you ever really loved her you would let her get on with her life and stop adding to her stress, and your own. And....how long has it been since you have seen her?? How does someone gain 30-40 lbs in such a short period of time....
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 High - hope that you are doing better. Gray said it all, but once again she did not leave a crack of a door open for you, she slammed it shut on your nuts but you are not willing to see it. Just because she can't say the words "I don't love you" her actions are screaming it at you. I get that you love this girl, we all love our exes. We are all mourning the loss of the good ole days. Leave her be, she is hurting and if you ever really loved her you would let her get on with her life and stop adding to her stress, and your own. And....how long has it been since you have seen her?? How does someone gain 30-40 lbs in such a short period of time.... I know I need to leave this in my past paw. You are correct. The last time I saw her was May 22nd. But we have had contact every couple weeks. I could tell she gained some weight when we were together, and when I saw her in may, but I never held her and wasn't as close as we were the other day. I know I do need to let this go now. I have to stick to NC. I made my last great attempt and that is all I can do. It was probably more than I could do, but I felt I had to do something. Still never got the answers I craved, but those 20 minutes sure felt like the old days. Yes paw, actions not words. This woman is still married. She is just as much of a wreck as she ever was. She is leaving a trail of destruction in her path just like clouds says. Of course I would like to think that she will get her divorce taken care of, and get her head on straight, but that is out of my hands and I can't wait for her. This woman is one day going to look back at this whole ordeal with much regret. Wow I can't believe that she is walking away from this... (yep clouds, insert EGO comment here)..
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 Complicate BS! You gave it to her, just as your still giving her your power. And you do not see the similarities? She is unhappy with her life. Does she look inward to solve that problem? No she look externally towards others: first with a divorce, then hooking up with some guy, they hooking up with another guy. She not facing her issues, she focusing on others rather then herself. Your too are unhappy with your life. Do you look inward to solve that problem? No you look externally towards another; her to answer your questions, her to give you closure, to validate the love you felt. You are focus on another rather then yourself. You both have a blind spot that is causing your pain, that blind spot is looking inward. The good news is if you want, you can gain that insight. I hope to get that power some day clouds. I agree with your assessment of her. She does look towards others for her happiness, just like me I guess. She does this for a distraction. I actually was trying to do it for love and thought that's what I had.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I know I need to leave this in my past paw. You are correct. The last time I saw her was May 22nd. But we have had contact every couple weeks. I could tell she gained some weight when we were together, and when I saw her in may, but I never held her and wasn't as close as we were the other day. I know I do need to let this go now. I have to stick to NC. I made my last great attempt and that is all I can do. It was probably more than I could do, but I felt I had to do something. Still never got the answers I craved, but those 20 minutes sure felt like the old days. Yes paw, actions not words. This woman is still married. She is just as much of a wreck as she ever was. She is leaving a trail of destruction in her path just like clouds says. Of course I would like to think that she will get her divorce taken care of, and get her head on straight, but that is out of my hands and I can't wait for her. This woman is one day going to look back at this whole ordeal with much regret. Wow I can't believe that she is walking away from this... (yep clouds, insert EGO comment here).. You are an awesome person High, don't let this get you down. There is someone out there so much better mentally for you...I am glad you let the "young one" go too, that was nothing but heartache and drama waiting to happen. So do you agree that this is closure?
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 You are an awesome person High, don't let this get you down. There is someone out there so much better mentally for you...I am glad you let the "young one" go too, that was nothing but heartache and drama waiting to happen. So do you agree that this is closure? Thanks for the kind word Paw. I appreciate your compassion. Yes, it has gotten me down. I'm sure there is someone better mentally out there for me. I guess at this point in her life, there couldn't be much worse. Yes, I did have to let the young one go. It wasn't fair to her and she wanted more than I could give. We ended it mutually and admirably. She said that I'm going to be the ultimate boyfriend when I get better, and I said thank you and I hope she's right. I know she appreciated me being honest with her. So do I agree this is closure? Well, I guess it is for now. I know I've done all I can and it's at least the start of my NC process. A part of me still likes to think that when she gets her divorce over and has some time to recover, she will come to her senses and be back, but I'm sure those are the rose colored glasses shining through. But for now, I've done everything that I can do... She is the one who is missing out on one of the best people she could have ever had in her life. But I'm still hurting...
GrayClouds Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 She does this for a distraction. I actually was trying to do it for love and thought that's what I had. It was a distraction for you too, a distraction to keep you from being alone, a distraction from admitting of your insecurity with yourself, distraction from finding that love inside yourself. You was trying for love, but you as trying get it some one unable to give it to you. And because you did not care for yourself enough to think you deserve better so you held and hold on to this loss cause. For if you had that love for yourself, you would not have tried to hook up with a chick this messed up, you would have not hooked with a married chick, you would have walked away when when she could not deal with her issues. Of course it hurts, that what break-ups do. Though the main reason it hurts so bad is because your soul is screaming to you that you deserve better then this. It is trying to get you to figure out why this messed up, drama filled, unhealthy relationship felt like love to you, so next time you can get the real thing.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 It was a distraction for you too, a distraction to keep you from being alone, a distraction from admitting of your insecurity with yourself, distraction from finding that love inside yourself. You was trying for love, but you as trying get it some one unable to give it to you. And because you did not care for yourself enough to think you deserve better so you held and hold on to this loss cause. For if you had that love for yourself, you would not have tried to hook up with a chick this messed up, you would have not hooked with a married chick, you would have walked away when when she could not deal with her issues. Of course it hurts, that what break-ups do. Though the main reason it hurts so bad is because your soul is screaming to you that you deserve better then this. It is trying to get you to figure out why this messed up, drama filled, unhealthy relationship felt like love to you, so next time you can get the real thing. Well Clouds, when I met this woman, I was in a relationship with another woman for about 5 months. I broke it up with her to pursue this woman because I didn't have that feeling of love for the woman I was with. I told her straight up though, broke up with her face to face, and didn't just disappear like my current ex has done. I really did think that my current ex was my love, and I felt it with the initial attraction, but then it went full bore love after about 3-4 months. I never had that feeling for the woman I dated before her, and never told her I loved her either, even though she told me she loved me. I explained that I didn't to her and didn't lie about it ever during the course of our relationship. The relationship was never filled with drama or felt unhealthy until she just up and disappeared after 9 months. That's what made me confused. It was the healthiest relationship I had until that 9 month mark and abra cadabra, she just disappeared. The only thing that is certain, is that I deserve much much better treatment than this.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Well Clouds, when I met this woman, I was in a relationship with another woman for about 5 months. I broke it up with her to pursue this woman because I didn't have that feeling of love for the woman I was with. I told her straight up though, broke up with her face to face, and didn't just disappear like my current ex has done. I really did think that my current ex was my love, and I felt it with the initial attraction, but then it went full bore love after about 3-4 months. I never had that feeling for the woman I dated before her, and never told her I loved her either, even though she told me she loved me. I explained that I didn't to her and didn't lie about it ever during the course of our relationship. The relationship was never filled with drama or felt unhealthy until she just up and disappeared after 9 months. That's what made me confused. It was the healthiest relationship I had until that 9 month mark and abra cadabra, she just disappeared. The only thing that is certain, is that I deserve much much better treatment than this. OK, sorry for the tag team between me and Gray but take a look at these statements. You left someone that you didn't feel love for....and girl that was still married. Was she a chase for you, were you only happy because you were winning her away from someone else? What makes you not feel love with the women that are actually good for you, mentally ready for you? These are things you need to explore with your counselor... What constituted a healthy relationship to you? Did you feel so much love because you knew that she was never really yours? I am just speaking from experience here, I clung so hard to mine and tried to make so many happy memories that he couldn't possibly leave the "perfect" me, because I always knew that he would leave in time... I think you are scared of committment and you set yourself up with the perfect girl that couldn't give it to you because she was already committed to someone else. Now she ran and you are shattered. You had a really nice, available girl but felt nothing for her. Try to work on that...you will get there.
GrayClouds Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 OK, sorry for the tag team between me and Gray but take a look at these statements. You left someone that you didn't feel love for....and girl that was still married. Was she a chase for you, were you only happy because you were winning her away from someone else? What makes you not feel love with the women that are actually good for you, mentally ready for you? These are things you need to explore with your counselor... What constituted a healthy relationship to you? Did you feel so much love because you knew that she was never really yours? I think you are scared of committment and you set yourself up with the perfect girl that couldn't give it to you because she was already committed to someone else. Now she ran and you are shattered. You had a really nice, available girl but felt nothing for her. Try to work on that...you will get there. bingo And you bounce from realtionship to realtionship because of you fear of being alone. If this was the healthiest relationship you have ever been in, and even if it wasn't, then you need to give up realtionship for a good long time until you address this self esteem issue your running from.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 OK, sorry for the tag team between me and Gray but take a look at these statements. You left someone that you didn't feel love for....and girl that was still married. Was she a chase for you, were you only happy because you were winning her away from someone else? What makes you not feel love with the women that are actually good for you, mentally ready for you? These are things you need to explore with your counselor... What constituted a healthy relationship to you? Did you feel so much love because you knew that she was never really yours? I am just speaking from experience here, I clung so hard to mine and tried to make so many happy memories that he couldn't possibly leave the "perfect" me, because I always knew that he would leave in time... I think you are scared of committment and you set yourself up with the perfect girl that couldn't give it to you because she was already committed to someone else. Now she ran and you are shattered. You had a really nice, available girl but felt nothing for her. Try to work on that...you will get there. Very profound stuff here paw. I was told initially when I started dating this woman that it was perfect for me, because she wouldn't put any pressure on me to commit to anything because she was already married. Funny how you sniffed that out. I DO want to get married someday I guess. Well not so much married as have kids at least. The girl I dated before my ex had other issues. And while she was attractive, she didn't knock me out the way my ex did. What constituted a healthy relationship was that we never fought, always got along, each contributed different ideas and went along with each others wants. I probably had better sex with the gal I dated prior to my ex, but there was a difference between sex and making love. Yah, I know that sounds stupid for a guy to say, but yes, feelings do actually mean something to me. I does sound like we have some parallels in our relationship though paw. I also tried to create those perfect memories, not because I knew she would leave in time, but to make it so she would be crazy to want to leave. Guess that didn't work. Well, It's day 2 of NC for me. She never answered my email with the tough questions... Again... And there is pretty much nothing else I can do. WTF? She is choosing this guy a lessor man over me and I just can't fathom it. Yes, the Ego thing clouds. I guess it's because it will likely be easier for her to leave him instead of leaving me again. I hate this $hit...
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 bingo And you bounce from realtionship to realtionship because of you fear of being alone. If this was the healthiest relationship you have ever been in, and even if it wasn't, then you need to give up realtionship for a good long time until you address this self esteem issue your running from. Perhaps Clouds. Well I did end it with the young one for that reason. Well, maybe not entirely for that reason. I really felt that my ex and I would resolve this stuff if she would just agree to meet me again. I guess it's not happening. So now I'm alone and can address this self esteem stuff. Any tips on how to do that? So far so scary...
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Well, day 2 NC again... Startin all over. I need to do this now. She is such a mess and will only drag me down with her.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Well, day 2 NC again... Startin all over. I need to do this now. She is such a mess and will only drag me down with her. Well so today is day 3 after my meltdown of a 4 day weekend and breaking 1 week of nc. I haven't contacted her and don't plan on it, but I said that last time too. I need to get past this. I had a really bad weekend. I actually spent the whole weekend talking to my mom about all this. She even stayed with me this weekend and brought over her dogs so I didn't have to deal with this by myself. She is a great woman who truly loves me. God I still feel I touched something in her soul when I met her in the parking lot at work last thursday. If nothing else, it forced her to face me, even if it was for just a little while. I didn't expect fridays responses to go as they did, but what do I expect? She is a coward and still hasn't even dealt with her divorce, so why would she want to deal with me? I'm really going to try to stick to nc now. I made my last stand. I sent her my last email. She knows how I feel and can't deal with it "right now". Man is that selfish bs. Day 3 today. I won't hear from her because I am a "stressful" part of her life now. Well she is a "stressful" part of my life as well. This sucks, but what can I do?? Not a dang thing. Its all on her now. Praying for strength and need to move on. I hope everyone has a good day today.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Well so today is day 3 after my meltdown of a 4 day weekend and breaking 1 week of nc. I haven't contacted her and don't plan on it, but I said that last time too. I need to get past this. I had a really bad weekend. I actually spent the whole weekend talking to my mom about all this. She even stayed with me this weekend and brought over her dogs so I didn't have to deal with this by myself. She is a great woman who truly loves me. God I still feel I touched something in her soul when I met her in the parking lot at work last thursday. If nothing else, it forced her to face me, even if it was for just a little while. I didn't expect fridays responses to go as they did, but what do I expect? She is a coward and still hasn't even dealt with her divorce, so why would she want to deal with me? I'm really going to try to stick to nc now. I made my last stand. I sent her my last email. She knows how I feel and can't deal with it "right now". Man is that selfish bs. Day 3 today. I won't hear from her because I am a "stressful" part of her life now. Well she is a "stressful" part of my life as well. This sucks, but what can I do?? Not a dang thing. Its all on her now. Praying for strength and need to move on. I hope everyone has a good day today. Well - now I think you did the right thing by contacting her. You got your closure, you got your answers, and you know that she is not just pining away for you and not able to contact you....it does suck but it is for the best... Did your mom give you any good advice?
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Well - now I think you did the right thing by contacting her. You got your closure, you got your answers, and you know that she is not just pining away for you and not able to contact you....it does suck but it is for the best... Did your mom give you any good advice? You know paw, I still didn't get the closure or answers that I wanted, and I still think she DOES have these deep feelings for me, and at times, does "pine" for me. Its just that she is a complete mental case right now and will do anything to avoid having to face any real issues. Call me crazy... The only thing is, she is right when she says she can't deal with this "right now". She can't. She's created too much sh#t in her world to do that. All I can do is disappear and be open to something better during that time. If she ever does finish her divorce, and then gets her head on straight and wants to talk, we'll see where I am at that point. I just know I can't be sitting here waiting for her and screwing my life up worrying about her problems. Its on her to contact me. My mom just mainly listened, but she obviously knows that she is a basket case and I need to move on and not look back. She does not like her for what she's put me through and thinks its really unfair, which it is. Honestly though, I still love her, but I feel a bit stronger today. At least I made it back to work. I'm kinda mad from those emails I got on friday how its all centered on her and how stressed out she is and how this is so overwhelming for her... Uhm... What about me?? What about the 40 lbs that I've lost, that she apparently picked up? What about all the stress she's put on me? What about her complaining about how tough it is when I ask her questions about what's going on and feelings and such? Those are all questions that I deserve answers to and she's either too confused, or too much of a coward to do that... It was complete bs on how she just disappeared on me and how she has treated me after saying how much she loved me for so long. I just know that until she addresses her problems, I can't care about them for her. Its killing me and I need to take care of myself. At least that's my perspective from day 3 nc. Perspective subject to change at any moment I guess... Lord I hope not... But I'm trying to stay strong.
GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Well so today is day 3 after my meltdown of a 4 day weekend and breaking 1 week of nc. I haven't contacted her and don't plan on it, but I said that last time too. I need to get past this. I had a really bad weekend. I actually spent the whole weekend talking to my mom about all this. She even stayed with me this weekend and brought over her dogs so I didn't have to deal with this by myself. She is a great woman who truly loves me. God I still feel I touched something in her soul when I met her in the parking lot at work last thursday. If nothing else, it forced her to face me, even if it was for just a little while. I didn't expect fridays responses to go as they did, but what do I expect? She is a coward and still hasn't even dealt with her divorce, so why would she want to deal with me? I'm really going to try to stick to nc now. I made my last stand. I sent her my last email. She knows how I feel and can't deal with it "right now". Man is that selfish bs. Day 3 today. I won't hear from her because I am a "stressful" part of her life now. Well she is a "stressful" part of my life as well. This sucks, but what can I do?? Not a dang thing. Its all on her now. Praying for strength and need to move on. I hope everyone has a good day today. In the gym one does not get strong by wishing for it, one gets strong by slowly lifting heaver and heaver weights and feeding your self quality food. Same is true with emotional strength. By slow pushing yourself to rely on yourself, learning fulfill your own needs and by feed yourself not with junk food thought but healthy thinking. This sucks, but what can I do?? Not a dang thing. Its all on her now. This is an example of unhealthy thoughts, iyour feeding yourself BS. NONE OF IT IS ON HER NOW, IT IS ALL ON YOU. It is time to stop looking for her to make you feel better, stop looking outside you yourself to make you feel better. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET STRONGER? Every post from here on out should at least add one thing to that list. Do you see who wrong your perspective on this is? She does not give a crap about you and yet your still feeling this "connection". A "connection" that requires you to "force her to face you". Here is a secrete everything your feeling about her, about this pain is inside you, just as is the answer of how to change both; It is inside you. So now I'm alone and can address this self esteem stuff. Any tips on how to do that? First of all what do you think you can do to address it? Second try to figure out where is all got started. I suggest you go to the therapist and tell them this is what you need to work on. I suggest making twice a week meetings. Tell him you can not stand being alone, you see you choose bad relationships to keep you from it, and you struggle being emotionally self-reliant. If this can not help you find another who can, and suggest a book or two t help you move forward. If having a family, children is something you true value, then understand the best gift you can give your children it figuring out this stuff so you can pass along a healthier attitude about self. If you can not figure how to give your self-confidence, be emotionally self-relent, and love your self enough want to be alone with yourself how can you teach a child these things? THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER, IT ABOUT YOU AVOIDING YOURSELF. STOP, and figure out why you are so frighten yourself. I suspect you had some really hard things as a kid you had to get through like some kind of abandonment and or abuse. I suspect that avoiding it got you through the worst of it, but now it time to face it, and truest while it may not feel like it, you are strong enough to do so. .
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 In the gym one does not get strong by wishing for it, one gets strong by slowly lifting heaver and heaver weights and feeding your self quality food. Same is true with emotional strength. By slow pushing yourself to rely on yourself, learning fulfill your own needs and by feed yourself not with junk food thought but healthy thinking. This is an example of unhealthy thoughts, iyour feeding yourself BS. NONE OF IT IS ON HER NOW, IT IS ALL ON YOU. It is time to stop looking for her to make you feel better, stop looking outside you yourself to make you feel better. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET STRONGER? Every post from here on out should at least add one thing to that list. Do you see who wrong your perspective on this is? She does not give a crap about you and yet your still feeling this "connection". A "connection" that requires you to "force her to face you". Here is a secrete everything your feeling about her, about this pain is inside you, just as is the answer of how to change both; It is inside you. First of all what do you think you can do to address it? Second try to figure out where is all got started. I suggest you go to the therapist and tell them this is what you need to work on. I suggest making twice a week meetings. Tell him you can not stand being alone, you see you choose bad relationships to keep you from it, and you struggle being emotionally self-reliant. If this can not help you find another who can, and suggest a book or two t help you move forward. If having a family, children is something you true value, then understand the best gift you can give your children it figuring out this stuff so you can pass along a healthier attitude about self. If you can not figure how to give your self-confidence, be emotionally self-relent, and love your self enough want to be alone with yourself how can you teach a child these things? THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER, IT ABOUT YOU AVOIDING YOURSELF. STOP, and figure out why you are so frighten yourself. I suspect you had some really hard things as a kid you had to get through like some kind of abandonment and or abuse. I suspect that avoiding it got you through the worst of it, but now it time to face it, and truest while it may not feel like it, you are strong enough to do so. . Clouds, you do have a harsh wisdom to you. Sometimes that is needed. I know you don't think she gave a crap about me, but I don't know if that's exactly right either. Again, maybe that's just my ego. If she did give a crap about me, I wouldn't have to force her to face me like you said. That's a tough thought after getting emails talking about how she still has feelings for me and misses me and yada yada. I think she just avoids and runs from anything she gets to close to, especially right now. She has basically said that to me. My ego won't accept otherwise I guess. That would mean that she would have to be a completely sick, twisted, and evil person. Maybe that's the case, but wow that would just be insane. I know she is a basket case. I know I've done all I can do. I know I need to move on. But I guess a part of me still has a soft spot for her. In a way, I feel bad for her, but I'm also just at a loss for how she could do something like this. So what am I going to do to get stronger? I'm going to start with not contacting her. I've also got the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book. I'm still a gregarious person though by nature and crave human contact. I love women. I love the way they feel, smell, look, everything... I think everyone fears being alone forever. Its not a pleasant thought. My parents have been married for 50 yrs. How would they like to be separated? I want that. I know there is truth in what you say. The fact is, I just want to be in a loving relationship like every one of us on this forum. Thanks again for your wise words clouds.
GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) Stop finding excuses for her behavior. Word are easy, action is hard. We say more through our actions and in her case: She said she loves you - But shows little action pursuing the divorceShe said she loves you - But shows little action to address your pain.She said she loves you - But choose to be with someone else. Sorry but this is not the action of some who gives a carp about someone else. So if your parents gave you the example of what love is, why are you have such a hard time seeing this for what it is, anything but love? Yes it is your EGO that will not let you be at peace. I think everyone fears being alone forever.You may think that but it is not true, it is human to be social but there are many happy people in the world who do not feel a burning need to be in a relationship. They are many more who are lonely and are in relationships. It does not matter, the fact of life is we are all alone, we choose to be lonely or not. But once again your response is more about her then you. I rather see you go back and address the questions of the last my previous post with some wise words of your own. BTW the book is a good first step. . Edited August 9, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Stop finding excuses for her behavior. Word are easy, action is hard. We say more through our actions and in her case: She said she loves you - But shows little action pursuing the divorceShe said she loves you - But shows little action to address your pain.She said she loves you - But choose to be with someone else. Sorry but this is not the action of some who gives a carp about someone else. So if your parents gave you the example of what love is, why are you have such a hard time seeing this for what it is, anything but love? Yes it is your EGO that will not let you be at peace. You may think that but it is not true, it is human to be social but there are many happy people in the world who do not feel a burning need to be in a relationship. They are many more who are lonely and are in relationships. It does not matter, the fact of life is we are all alone, we choose to be lonely or not. But once again your response is more about her then you. I rather see you go back and address the questions of the last my previous post. Ouch clouds... You make some great points of course. Dam I hate that when its broken down like that. Yes... It must be my ego. Could I really be fooled like that? I know her main focus is her. I need to follow her example in that instance. Let me go back to your previous post..
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 In the gym one does not get strong by wishing for it, one gets strong by slowly lifting heaver and heaver weights and feeding your self quality food. Same is true with emotional strength. By slow pushing yourself to rely on yourself, learning fulfill your own needs and by feed yourself not with junk food thought but healthy thinking. This is an example of unhealthy thoughts, iyour feeding yourself BS. NONE OF IT IS ON HER NOW, IT IS ALL ON YOU. It is time to stop looking for her to make you feel better, stop looking outside you yourself to make you feel better. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET STRONGER? Every post from here on out should at least add one thing to that list. I'm going to try to deal with this by focusing on myself and not letting her actions control my feelings... I will really try. Do you see who wrong your perspective on this is? She does not give a crap about you and yet your still feeling this "connection". A "connection" that requires you to "force her to face you". Here is a secrete everything your feeling about her, about this pain is inside you, just as is the answer of how to change both; It is inside you. First of all what do you think you can do to address it? I guess try to quit thinking about her and focusing more on me. What else can I do? Second try to figure out where is all got started. I suggest you go to the therapist and tell them this is what you need to work on. I suggest making twice a week meetings. Tell him you can not stand being alone, you see you choose bad relationships to keep you from it, and you struggle being emotionally self-reliant. If this can not help you find another who can, and suggest a book or two t help you move forward. I mentioned the one book. Do you have others? I am going to a therapist, but can only do it once a week. My only other therapy is here sir. If having a family, children is something you true value, then understand the best gift you can give your children it figuring out this stuff so you can pass along a healthier attitude about self. If you can not figure how to give your self-confidence, be emotionally self-relent, and love your self enough want to be alone with yourself how can you teach a child these things? Good question. I don't know? If you have a child, aren't you not alone in the first place? There's probably the mother, but if not, at least the child. You know, when I'm in a relationship, I like having time alone. Its just that when I'm not in one that I get lonely. THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER, IT ABOUT YOU AVOIDING YOURSELF. STOP, and figure out why you are so frighten yourself. I suspect you had some really hard things as a kid you had to get through like some kind of abandonment and or abuse. Nothing really on the abandonment side. No real abuse either. I did have an older man attempt to sexually abuse me when I was 6, but I got away. I suspect that avoiding it got you through the worst of it, but now it time to face it, and truest while it may not feel like it, you are strong enough to do so. . This is my first time multi quoting. Hope it works.
GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 I'm going to try to deal with this by focusing on myself and not letting her actions control my feelings... I will really try. GO NC and Stay NC Do you see who wrong your perspective on this is? She does not give a crap about you and yet your still feeling this "connection". A "connection" that requires you to "force her to face you". Here is a secrete everything your feeling about her, about this pain is inside you, just as is the answer of how to change both; It is inside you. First of all what do you think you can do to address it? I guess try to quit thinking about her and focusing more on me. What else can I do? Yes but what does focusing on you mean. How are you going to do that. What issues are you avoiding? I mentioned the one book. Do you have others? I am going to a therapist, but can only do it once a week. My only other therapy is here sir. Yes going to the therapist is great but what are you working is the focus of that work? Are you there to manage the break-up or trying to understand why you are afraid and how these fears directed your choices. If having a family, children is something you true value, then understand the best gift you can give your children it figuring out this stuff so you can pass along a healthier attitude about self. If you can not figure how to give your self-confidence, be emotionally self-relent, and love your self enough want to be alone with yourself how can you teach a child these things? Good question. I don't know? If you have a child, aren't you not alone in the first place? There's probably the mother, but if not, at least the child. You know, when I'm in a relationship, I like having time alone. Its just that when I'm not in one that I get lonely. You missed the point THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER, IT ABOUT YOU AVOIDING YOURSELF. STOP, and figure out why you are so frighten yourself. I suspect you had some really hard things as a kid you had to get through like some kind of abandonment and or abuse. Nothing really on the abandonment side. No real abuse either. I did have an older man attempt to sexually abuse me when I was 6, but I got away.Overall would you say your mother/father worried about you a good deal, quite protective of you? Were they always that way? Also pickup Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Anderson
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 GO NC and Stay NC I know clouds... I know... I think about it and I feel like I'm going to puke. I was good with it this morning, and then pow... I'm missing the hell out of her. Sh#t!! I hate that! Yes but what does focusing on you mean. How are you going to do that. What issues are you avoiding? What issues am I avoiding?? I don't know? I want to answer this. Honestly. I just don't know! Sorry! Yes going to the therapist is great but what are you working is the focus of that work? We are talking about how I let down my values to be with a married woman, and trying to deal with my obsession, depression, and anxiety. I'm struggling sir.. Are you there to manage the break-up or trying to understand why you are afraid and how these fears directed your choices. More trying to cope with the break up and why I let down my value system to date a married woman. You missed the point Overall would you say your mother/father worried about you a good deal, quite protective of you? Were they always that way? I'm sorry if I missed the point. I know what you are trying to say though. Its just so hard sir.. Yes my parents were very protective and worried a lot about me. They still do. Is that the source of this? Also pickup Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Anderson I have heard of this book. I will pick this up. I really appreciate your advice clouds. I'm trying, I just go through waves. Like right now, I'm so craving contact. I'm angry at myself!!
smk Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 Hpd - GC is right you need to go NC (and yes I know I should be one to talk after what I pulled today) but in your case you have to.... You have to take her off that pedestal and try and turn the thoughts towards you - and focus on yourself... I am still learning that process but and it really makes a difference....
GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 (edited) I have heard of this book. I will pick this up. I really appreciate your advice clouds. I'm trying, I just go through waves. Like right now, I'm so craving contact. I'm angry at myself!! First of all I want you to know that I do understand how hard these emotions can hit. I a good 3 months of my own insanity. Secondly, you may think about looking into some meds to help you over this hump right now. Most cases some temporary help does wonders, specially if your doing the other things like exercise and eating well. Third, I do not think you beating yourself up about your choice is very helpful effort. In fact you did not let down your value system as much as other values become more important; such values like wanting to be needed, external conformation of your worth. More productive effort would be understand why these values are so strong that you would make the compromise that you did. Then learning how you can get address all these values in a healthier way. It sounds like your parents was a bit like mine. They cared for me deeply and would do anything to protect me from life's pain. Some ways they too much, as a result I never learn how to manage those pains as a child as well as I could have. In their love to protect me, they kept me from seeing my own abilities and strengths. It can happen when parents worry to much about us, we start to doubt ourselves. We then have to learn these coping skill as a adult, it harder but we can. I can not say that this is the case for you, but with you strong fear of being alone there may be some possiblity or at least a good place to start. Edited August 9, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Hpd - GC is right you need to go NC (and yes I know I should be one to talk after what I pulled today) but in your case you have to.... You have to take her off that pedestal and try and turn the thoughts towards you - and focus on yourself... I am still learning that process but and it really makes a difference.... I know SMK, I guess I can kinda take her off the pedastal with the weight gain and normally that would do it. I just really felt it for this woman, whether she be big or small. Day 1 and day 2 were somewhat ok on nc. But today was hard and I'm tryin to pick myself up. Just hate feelin so weak and frustrated. I can't do anything more though without appearing weak, if I haven't left that impression already. I probably did. Just wishin she wasn't so messed up and she'd see things my way of course. Basically, everything I shouldn't be doing. I gotta get out of this stupid weak rutt I'm in.
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