So I'm back to Day one NC

[HighPlainsDrifter]

So go volunteer, take a class, go to the coffee shop and read a book, do not like to read then to go to a book reading, join another riding group, or some other positive social event, push yourself out of your comfort for your getting way to compfortable in your misery.

 

Then after your done start trying to figure out why is so unsatisfying to be by yourself.

 

I guess it's just loneliness that gets to me.

Clouds, do you spend much time by yourself? Not trying to be sarcastic or anything, but just curious. What do you do to occupy your time?

 

Thanks

[welikeincrowds]

dating a married women

 

Being a victim like this is just a way for EGO to not admit it has faults, for if it did, then it would not be perfect and if not perfect that would mean their is work to do.

 

You struck me with these.

 

I am a perfectionist that has made a powerful habit out of "dealing" with some problems by not dealing with them. I am on NC right now with a promiscuous ex-friend of mine whom I've essentially loved since high school, whom I recently hooked up with while she was still in an LDR of a few years. It's complicated, but a close mutual friend of mine recently had an argument with me about this.

 

He said "You knew that she was like this, she has had three guys going on at once, you had to have known." You always want to consider that your love is special, and it doesn't matter how many others there are -- and I suppose in my case, these are old feelings -- but I can't dismiss his point. I got myself involved with this girl that I knew was untrustworthy. She cheated on her boyfriend and I dismissed it like this was some special case when I very well knew it wasn't.

 

So what was it? Was it that I wanted to redeem my adolescence, for seeing myself as a failure in high school because I was led on by this girl and ended up perpetually but vaguely rejected? Was it that I just don't value myself enough, to accept that she shouldn't have me at all, then, now or ever? Was it that I sought out the desirable yet unattainable, because the desirable and attainable presents the possibility for my own failure? This relationship, like any, is entangled in implications. What am I showing me about myself?

 

One of my friend's ultimate arguments was that this girl doesn't know better, but I should; and now I'm hurting her by making a point of not being her friend, by going NC. And that because of all this I have no right to blame her so strongly for her mistreatment of me, that this is straight 50/50. This argument has set me back in my growth from NC, and has made me question my own motives and decisions. I have been forced to look hard at myself, and it doesn't help that I have been made to do it through the actions of a ****heel -- a ****heel I chose to be with.

 

Relationships seem so silly when you look at them from within the context of, say, the universe; but when you live them, day by day, you see yourself so closely, as they blossom from the person that you are and aren't. And it all seems so significant, and so emotionally tumultuous, that it's hard to appreciate and cherish from a removed perspective that this experience is the meaning of our lives.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I think that relationships are the most important thing a person can have in their life. Healthy and happy relationships allow you to overcome many obstacles.

 

When you lose a intense love relationship, it throws everything out of whack. At least for me. Sometimes when you get in deep, it can really throw everything out of balance. That's where I'm at now.

 

Yes, you can say that some of my torture is a result of the choices I made, but it's still torture none the less.

 

That said, at 11:17 tonight, it will be day 7 of complete NC. Her friend who set us up sent out a forwarded email to four people. My ex and myself were two of the four. Yup, that got me thinking about her too. Of course I'm wondering what she's thinking when she saw my name on there...

 

I want to contact her so badly... So I'm posting here instead... I know we've heard that one before... Thanks for the space...

[GrayClouds]

I guess it's just loneliness that gets to me.

Clouds, do you spend much time by yourself? Not trying to be sarcastic or anything, but just curious. What do you do to occupy your time?

 

Thanks

 

Would you consider having the trusty mutt by my side most of the time, alone?

 

None the less, I am quite protective of my alone time unless I can see a real value of giving it up, and if not I would rather not. This was not always the case, from which the local waterholes benefited. I wasn't until I realized going to them was more about a dislike of being alone then the love of trifling talk of the drunken ilk (thought I will admit, I do not still welcome the occasional discerning dialog in an intoxicated temperament:)) .

 

That is not to say there are not times when I feel lonely. In those times I meet a groups of Octogenarians for coffee and conversation, go to the park to let the "dog" socialize, conveniently pop in to friends house just at dinner time follow by a rousing game of "Candyland" with their kids or connect through new found joys of skype. And sometimes I just accept feeling lonely as the human condition and find a new friend in a book.

 

Loneliness is there to give us the answer to the big questions. It answer what we really need in our lives, what we fear in ourselves, how can I grow as a person, why we do not think we deserve the love we want and should settle for less. Loneliness is a powerful emotion illuminating our fundamental insecurities. Almost by instinct we would rather avoid it by reaching for something outside ourselves to distract us rather then facing what it is trying to teach us. Loneliness is a friend offering tough love and not the enemy trying to hurt us. The more we accept it as a friend the more we enjoy being alone.

 

 

.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Would you consider having the trusty mutt by my side most of the time, alone?

 

None the less, I am quite protective of my alone time unless I can see a real value of giving it up, and if not I would rather not. This was not always the case, from which the local waterholes benefited. I wasn't until I realized going to them was more about a dislike of being alone then the love of trifling talk of the drunken ilk (thought I will admit, I do not still welcome the occasional discerning dialog in an intoxicated temperament:)) .

 

That is not to say there are not times when I feel lonely. In those times I meet a groups of Octogenarians for coffee and conversation, go to the park to let the "dog" socialize, conveniently pop in to friends house just at dinner time follow by a rousing game of "Candyland" with their kids or connect through new found joys of skype. And sometimes I just accept feeling lonely as the human condition and find a new friend in a book.

 

Loneliness is there to give us the answer to the big questions. It answer what we really need in our lives, what we fear in ourselves, how can I grow as a person, why we do not think we deserve the love we want and should settle for less. Loneliness is a powerful emotion illuminating our fundamental insecurities. Almost by instinct we would rather avoid it by reaching for something outside ourselves to distract us rather then facing what it is trying to teach us. Loneliness is a friend offering tough love and not the enemy trying to hurt us. The more we accept it as a friend the more we enjoy being alone.

 

.

 

No Clouds, Animals are awesome and they do provide some great companionship. I currently can't have one because of the demands of my job. My parents have a couple and they are great. I sometimes take them on the w-ends.

 

Again sir, you have much wisdom, but this whole loneliness deal just isn't my cup of tea. Only thing I know for sure is that I don't want to be like that. It can be alright for a night or two, but I don't want to do this long term. It sounds very depressing honestly. No offense Clouds.

 

I guess maybe I feel I'm to young to have to face something like that. I still want to have a family and have only experienced a small slice of what life has to offer. I'm not ready for that!

[bonpaw2008]

You struck me with these.

 

I am a perfectionist that has made a powerful habit out of "dealing" with some problems by not dealing with them. I am on NC right now with a promiscuous ex-friend of mine whom I've essentially loved since high school, whom I recently hooked up with while she was still in an LDR of a few years. It's complicated, but a close mutual friend of mine recently had an argument with me about this.

 

He said "You knew that she was like this, she has had three guys going on at once, you had to have known." You always want to consider that your love is special, and it doesn't matter how many others there are -- and I suppose in my case, these are old feelings -- but I can't dismiss his point. I got myself involved with this girl that I knew was untrustworthy. She cheated on her boyfriend and I dismissed it like this was some special case when I very well knew it wasn't.

 

So what was it? Was it that I wanted to redeem my adolescence, for seeing myself as a failure in high school because I was led on by this girl and ended up perpetually but vaguely rejected? Was it that I just don't value myself enough, to accept that she shouldn't have me at all, then, now or ever? Was it that I sought out the desirable yet unattainable, because the desirable and attainable presents the possibility for my own failure? This relationship, like any, is entangled in implications. What am I showing me about myself?

 

One of my friend's ultimate arguments was that this girl doesn't know better, but I should; and now I'm hurting her by making a point of not being her friend, by going NC. And that because of all this I have no right to blame her so strongly for her mistreatment of me, that this is straight 50/50. This argument has set me back in my growth from NC, and has made me question my own motives and decisions. I have been forced to look hard at myself, and it doesn't help that I have been made to do it through the actions of a ****heel -- a ****heel I chose to be with.

 

Relationships seem so silly when you look at them from within the context of, say, the universe; but when you live them, day by day, you see yourself so closely, as they blossom from the person that you are and aren't. And it all seems so significant, and so emotionally tumultuous, that it's hard to appreciate and cherish from a removed perspective that this experience is the meaning of our lives.

 

Hey We - sorry for highjacking High's thread but I had to respond to your very well-spoken post. I am a perfectionist as well so a lot of this hit home.

 

Why do we choose who we choose, get into situations that we know we shouldn't? Is it because it is adventurous, to obtain the unattainable (as you say) or secretly punish ourselves for what we think we don't deserve? Very thought provoking...our choices and what happens to us because of those choices tell us so much about ourselves, but it is very hard to look at it objectively from the inside.

 

One side note, I think that the friend that you argued with is wrong (and a tool for even taking her slutty side:)) YOU are not responsible for her bad behavior, behavior that doesn't deserve any kind of friendship from you at all. Just silly that he is asking you to blame yourself and to make nice with her. You are totally doing the right thing, I remember reading your story about her asking you to her apt after the weekend, she has huge issues that she needs to work out (insecurity, always needing attention etc), it is not your responsibility to make her feel all warm and fuzzy.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Hey We - sorry for highjacking High's thread but I had to respond to your very well-spoken post. I am a perfectionist as well so a lot of this hit home.

 

Why do we choose who we choose, get into situations that we know we shouldn't? Is it because it is adventurous, to obtain the unattainable (as you say) or secretly punish ourselves for what we think we don't deserve? Very thought provoking...our choices and what happens to us because of those choices tell us so much about ourselves, but it is very hard to look at it objectively from the inside.

 

One side note, I think that the friend that you argued with is wrong (and a tool for even taking her slutty side:)) YOU are not responsible for her bad behavior, behavior that doesn't deserve any kind of friendship from you at all. Just silly that he is asking you to blame yourself and to make nice with her. You are totally doing the right thing, I remember reading your story about her asking you to her apt after the weekend, she has huge issues that she needs to work out (insecurity, always needing attention etc), it is not your responsibility to make her feel all warm and fuzzy.

 

No problem Paw...

[GrayClouds]

Again sir, you have much wisdom, but this whole loneliness deal just isn't my cup of tea. Only thing I know for sure is that I don't want to be like that. It can be alright for a night or two, but I don't want to do this long term. It sounds very depressing honestly. No offense Clouds.

 

I guess maybe I feel I'm to young to have to face something like that. I still want to have a family and have only experienced a small slice of what life has to offer. I'm not ready for that!

 

Loneliness is not anyone first choice beverage but refusing to drink when life offers will make you it's bitch. When your it's bitch it make you do things that are not smart or healthy, like getting involved with a married women or leading on people your not available to.

 

And wow talk about the height of EGO; "I guess maybe I feel I'm to young to have to face something like that". Hell everyone here is facing that, and most are 20 something years old. What are you saying being lonely should be only for old people. Fact is facing it now means you will not facing it latter.

 

And if you never get that family are you saying that your life will not have worth? If you can not enjoy being with yourself why should others?

 

Start asking yourself question like why alone = loneliness to you? What do you get from being people that you can not give yourself?

 

The ironic thing of it is the greater you able to embrace being alone, the more the type of people you desire comes into you life.

[GrayClouds]

You struck me with these.

 

you should start your own thread to keep from thread jacking but as far as NC; if you find that your doing something that hurts yourself then the smart person avoid doing it. This relationship with her hurts you so you pull your hand from the flame and keep it away. That is call going NC, and you should not feel guilty because your not offer the flame something more to burn. Being kind to yourself means taking care of yourself first.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Loneliness is not anyone first choice beverage but refusing to drink when life offers will make you it's bitch. When your it's bitch it make you do things that are not smart or healthy, like getting involved with a married women or leading on people your not available to.

 

And wow talk about the height of EGO; "I guess maybe I feel I'm to young to have to face something like that". Hell everyone here is facing that, and most are 20 something years old. What are you saying being lonely should be only for old people. Fact is facing it now means you will not facing it latter.

 

And if you never get that family are you saying that your life will not have worth? If you can not enjoy being with yourself why should others?

 

Start asking yourself question like why alone = loneliness to you? What do you get from being people that you can not give yourself?

 

The ironic thing of it is the greater you able to embrace being alone, the more the type of people you desire comes into you life.

 

Again, wise words from a wise man sir. I respect all you have to say.

 

I just don't want to look forward to a life of loneliness. That's not very encouraging. I don't know what I'd do if I don't have a family. That would surely eat me up inside.

 

I realize what you are saying about not facing what life gives you, but Jeeze we have to have SOME influence on it's outcome don't we?

 

Yes, getting involved with her while she was still married is turning out to be a big mistake, but the time we spent together was so incredible, it's hard to completely view it that way. Another catch 22.

 

Doesn't Loneliness = Alone I mean by very definition?? What do I get from others? Well, companionship and someone to talk to and get/give opinions to, share my successes with, all that stuff. Without someone to share it with, it all seems so empty, you know? It's like, whats it all for?

 

Maybe you're right about being able to embrace being alone and having that as an attractive quality. I can kind of see that. Kind of like finding something when you're not looking so franticly for it.

 

All I know is that I am one co-dependent son of a b!tch when it comes to this woman. I'm just so glad that I'm only exposing that here.

 

Thank you again for your input clouds.

[GrayClouds]

I just don't want to look forward to a life of loneliness. That's not very encouraging. I don't know what I'd do if I don't have a family. That would surely eat me up inside.

If you learn to enjoy being alone it will not be a life of loneliness.

I realize what you are saying about not facing what life gives you, but Jeeze we have to have SOME influence on it's outcome don't we?

This is what I am saying to you. As long as your emotion and fears are in control you to get the outcome you want.

Yes, getting involved with her while she was still married is turning out to be a big mistake, but the time we spent together was so incredible, it's hard to completely view it that way. Another catch 22.

No catch 22, simple rationalization to justify a choice. I am feeling sad, I can choose to go do a bucket of cocaine and feel incredible, but it still would not make it a healthy, productive choice to adress my sadness.

 

Doesn't Loneliness = Alone I mean by very definition??

NO, you can be lonely in crowd, the bars are full of lonely people conversely many who are alone do not find themselves lonely.

 

Maybe you're right about being able to embrace being alone and having that as an attractive quality. I can kind of see that. Kind of like finding something when you're not looking so franticly for it.

By focusing on your loneliness you are look at a symptom of a bigger issue

 

All I know is that I am one co-dependent son of a b!tch when it comes to this woman. I'm just so glad that I'm only exposing that here.

What do I get from others? Well, companionship and someone to talk to and get/give opinions to, share my successes with, all that stuff. Without someone to share it with, it all seems so empty, you know? It's like, whats it all for?

The definition of co-dependent is needing to get a sense of worth from others, what this women did was to make this issue explicate in you. It is likely been an issue long before her and at the center of all we have discussed. Edited August 5, 2010 by GrayClouds

[HighPlainsDrifter]

If you learn to enjoy being alone it will not be a life of loneliness.

This is what I am saying to you. As long as your emotion and fears are in control you to get the outcome you want.

No catch 22, simple rationalization to justify a choice. I am feeling sad, I can choose to go do a bucket of cocaine and feel incredible, but it still would not make it a healthy, productive choice to adress my sadness.

 

NO, you can be lonely in crowd, the bars are full of lonely people conversely many who are alone do not find themselves lonely.

 

By focusing on your loneliness you are look at a symptom of a bigger issue

 

The definition of co-dependent is needing to get a sense of worth from others, what this women did was to make this issue explicate in you. It is likely been an issue long before her and at the center of all we have discussed.

 

 

It probably has been an issue with me for a long time. All I know is that I never contacted her today, and in about 45 minutes, this will complete day 7.

 

I am going somewhat batty though. I can just tell this whole thing is consuming me because it makes no sense. I need to let it go, even if it DOES make no sense. I can totally feel my anxiety wearing on me. I worry about this all the time and it does absolutely NO GOOD.

 

It's so hard to imagine that this is how the story ends, but maybe that's the truth. It's so shocking. But she is choosing to be with this guy over me. There is nothing I can do about that.

 

I wonder if she is relieved that I haven't contacted her. I suppose she would be. Wow...

 

There is nothing that I can do though that won't make me look like a pest. This is all a bunch of $hit.

 

Sigh... And she's still married....

 

I just wish someone would put me out of my misery right about now. Seriously... This sucks...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I made it to 7 days and I feel absolutely no better.

This sucks.

I feel like I have to say something.

What a crock of $hit...

 

Good night everyone. I wish you all the best.

[bonpaw2008]

No advice just a big hug {{{{{{ you }}}}}}}

[smk]

dude well done day 7 of the rest of your life...

 

you are getting there, soon it will be day 14, then month 1, then you will even forget to count....

[GrayClouds]

Sigh... And she's still married....

 

I just wish someone would put me out of my misery right about now. Seriously... This sucks...

 

Someone can, YOU. You may not be able to choose the pain but you can choose to suffer or not.

 

But your wanting, expecting someone else to do it for you. Be it the married women coming back to say she made a terrible mistake, or the young girl (I find it interesting that you felt the need to make sure we know she is young, as if it makes any difference to anybody but you), or a therapist who you are telling them your problems rather then working on your issues, or for someone here to give you wise words that requires no effort of introspection. You are fighting so hard not to look inward.

 

I suspect you was a great student, did very well at hard subjects, got good grades, smarter then the average bear, pretty much a golden child. You been receiving much adoration for your accomplishment and successes, which pushed you harder. But after time your actions was driving more of validation and less for the love of effort. After we get older the applause slows down, we find we are not so special. Then their is two choices, try to find the applause else where like in a relationship or find a way to generate that feeling of validation in ourselves. If you are looking to do the former then you put great pressure on your relationships because over time no matter how hard that applaud a person stops hearing it, become so dependent on the person it wears them down or simply become a place where no one really get what they want or need.

 

If you choose the latter, your in control of your own satisfaction in life, you attract people not for how much they validate you but how much you share values, and you start pursuing things for love rather then avoid pain.

 

You know how to work hard, why is it so difficult for you to put that effort in towards yourself. Why is it so difficult for you to look inward? Maybe you never been reward for doing so, so you really never learned how. Which makes it even harder for you for the reward of doing so is yours and yours alone, may be the greatest accomplishment you will ever achieve in life but be one that matters to no one but you. And at this point it appears that type of success does not have any appreciation from you because the only validation you get is from yourself.

 

Your suffering is not about the girl, it is about you avoiding yourself. Until you find something to distract you or stop avoiding, this suffering will continue.

 

 

.

[welikeincrowds]

Bonpaw, you are super nurturing. You've made me feel better at least 30 times now.

 

My apologies HPD for nearly jacking the thread earlier. You're really doing great. Every day you allow yourself to feel the pain is a day that you allow this unhappiness to literally leave you, to physically dissipate from your body. Remember the simple fact: our thoughts just patterns of electricity, carried in sweeping currents by very powerful chemicals. Don't fight what your body has been designed to do in order to rid yourself of this pain. Every day you balance out just that much more. Every day is good for you. You can do this.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Bonpaw, you are super nurturing. You've made me feel better at least 30 times now.

 

My apologies HPD for nearly jacking the thread earlier. You're really doing great. Every day you allow yourself to feel the pain is a day that you allow this unhappiness to literally leave you, to physically dissipate from your body. Remember the simple fact: our thoughts just patterns of electricity, carried in sweeping currents by very powerful chemicals. Don't fight what your body has been designed to do in order to rid yourself of this pain. Every day you balance out just that much more. Every day is good for you. You can do this.

 

Well Everyone,

 

It's been a little since I posted. I f*cked up, and f*cked up royally. I didn't make the NC challange. I sent her a brief email last thursday and she replied back. I used a vacation day at work, and showed up at her work when she got off. She was happy to see me it seemed. We hugged and kissed, more than once. I brushed her hair back from her face, and then I started asking her what was going on, and that I just wanted to her to explain her emails to me, and what was with this other guy.

 

I told her to look me in the eye and tell me that she didn't love me anymore and I will never bother her again. She started crying and couldn't do that. I asked her to meet me and lets talk about this. I told her I loved her. I asked her what was up with this other person. She said she is seeing someone, but isn't in a relationship with him or anything. I said that she never even told me we broke up. What was I to think?

 

Obviously this stressed the **** out of me and I basically told the other girl (young one as clouds notices I point out) that I didn't think she wants me to drag her down into where I'm at right now because I can't give her the relationship she desires without addressing my own issues. So we are done seeing each other.

 

I thought I reached my ex that day, but she went to go see the other guy that night. I emailed her friday, took another vacation day from work, and asked her if she would give us some time to talk today. She came back with how overwhelmed this makes her, and that she can't handle dealing with this right now because of all her stress from her divorce. I would have to post the emails, and maybe I will. Still won't tell me she wants me to disappear. Always finishes every statement with a "right now" or "at this time" or "Until I clean up my mess" type thing regarding us.

 

So much more to say, but this is already getting long.

The short of the matter is, the title of my thread is now valid again. I'm back to day one of NC. It's 4:13 in the afternoon, and I'm still in bed. I feel like complete $hit. I'm a weak SOB and thought I had reached her again, only to have the door slammed in my face, but kept open with a crack.

 

Friday, I went packed up all her things from my place and was going to meet her at work again to give them to her and say goodbye, but she left early that day. I assume she figured I might show up again. I never contacted her after that. She still won't give any final closure. Still won't answer any of the real questions.

 

I felt I had to do it though. Man did I f*ck myself, but I kind of saw it coming. I felt like I had to do something. Guys, you can all kick me in the face whenever you like, as many times as you like. I just didn't know what else to do.

 

F*CK!!! DAY ONE NC!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Here's how it went.

 

Starting Thursday....

 

me:

 

Excuse me , but I have a question for you.

 

How much does an Elephant weigh?

 

 

Her:

 

 

As much as this brick on my shoulders?

 

 

Me:

 

Brick on your shoulders?? Explain?

 

Well, the answer is, uhmmmm enough to break the ice?? :-)

 

Sure got cold in here lately..

 

Her:

 

I'm just stressed out. Just want to move. Sick of relatives. Sick of everything.

 

 

 

Me:

 

Sorry to hear that.

What's happening?

 

You know, I kind of felt that we were opening the lines of communication last week, and then that got slammed shut for whatever reason.

 

You can tell me to scram if I'm a part of this. I want it to be a pleasant thing when we communicate with each other.

 

She never responded to that... That because I told her to tell me to scram, and she can't do that. That was sent about 1:30. I showed up in the parking lot at her work at 4:30. Hugged, laughed, kissed, she cried, hugged some more. She couldn't tell me she didn't love me. Couldn't tell me what she wanted... We left with smiles and she was looking at all adoringly and lovingly. I thought I reached her.

 

So I sent this thursday night:

 

 

 

I'm sorry that I creeped on you like that today, but I needed you to know how I felt in person. So that's kind of a contradiction I guess, but let it be.

 

I know that when you looked into my eyes, you felt the bond between us, just as I did. Be honest with yourself. It was like I could see into your soul.

 

Tell me that it didn't feel great to have my arms around you today. We fit together so perfectly.

 

I have always let you be your own person when we were together, and always would. I'm the last person you need to be afraid of.

 

Meet with me and let's quit putting this off. Don't run from fate... Talk to me.

 

 

Always,

 

HPD

 

 

Don't hear from her. So then Friday morning I send this:

 

So good morning,

I hope you aren't mad at me for yesterday and will give us a little time to get together for a bit after work tonight.

Hopefully you got my emails yesterday and maybe agree with some of what was said. :-). Do you?

Don't shut down on me now...

It was nice seeing you yesterday, even if it was brief.

Hope you have a great day!

After all, it IS friday!

HPD

 

I get this:

 

Do you know what it's like to feel like you're constantly being followed? Like someone is always watching you? To look out the window and see My soon to be ex husband driving by my apartment at 10:30 at night? To find a note on your car that says "Call (My friend who told me she was staying at the fat guys place, well call him ED) ?"

To get calls from a "private number" because you won't answer the phone otherwise so they try to trick you into answering?

 

After putting up with all this ****, the note on my car from ED was the last straw.

 

I'm so goddamn tired of people thinking that my life is their business.

 

The note from ED pushed me though. It pushed me to really consider moving. I started applying for jobs out of town after that. I was offered a job in XXX, but didn't want to take a $6 an hour pay cut. After I turned that down, I thought "XXX isn't far enough."

I want to get the hell out of here. The problem is, I don't know where I want to go.

 

My sister keeps telling me that I should move there, and while that offer is tempting, I don't want that either.

 

My life has gotten to the point where I'm scared to go to my apartment because I don't want MSTBXH or his sisters coming there.

So I go somewhere else and I've got someone else that seems to think they need to keep an eye on me. Some nights I'll wait until it gets dark, I'll drive over to XXX condo, put my car in her garage and walk home in the dark. I get home, I don't turn on any lights.

 

I'm basically hiding in my own apartment. My lease for my apartment is up in November. I have to give a 2 month notice if I plan to move. I don't plan to renew my lease.

I have never felt so helpless and sick and disgusted.

 

One day I'm just going to decide that I've had enough and the life I had in this town will be nothing but a disaster I'm afraid I'll never forget.

 

You don't understand how hard this is for me, but that's okay. I don't expect you to.

 

 

ME:

 

What are you talking about with the call ED stuff??

I don't know what's going on with STBXH and everything because you won't tell me.

I just want to talk to you.

What did I do?

 

Her:

 

ED left a note on my car one night. I didn't know who it was from at first because it just said "Call ED" and it had a phone number. I didn't know who "ED" was and I didn't call the number. This was the night that I saw you at the restaurant. I was out with my friends that night and had gone to the Bar where this fat guy played after the restaurant. I left my car parked on the street where ED is apparently stalking me and had my friends drop me off at my house after the bar that night. When I got back the next morning to get my car, that note was under the wiper. At this point I was already so goddamn paranoid anyway and when I saw that note I said "F*ck this. I'm done." I can't go anywhere and someone is f*cking watching me.

 

I tried to figure out who's cell number that was with no luck. A couple weeks after, I saw Ed at the XX when I went up to talk to Susi and he asked why I never called him back after he left the note.

 

And don't you dare say a word to him about this.

 

It's nothing YOU did. It's everyone else. Unfortunately "everyone else" is what made me get to this point.

 

What's going on between MSTXH and I doesn't matter. He still can't accept the fact that I don't want to be with him and he's not dealing well with it.

 

ME:

And I've never called you from a private number... Ever..

 

Her:

I didn't say the private number was you. That's STBXHB relatives. I'm assuming his mother.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

ME:

 

Well, like I said, I've been nothing but straight with you for as long as I've known you. I've never done anything to hurt you. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you know that.

I saw your car at the bar last night and purposely didn't meet my friends there because I didn't want to impose on you.

 

Her:

I get that.

 

But my life is very messed up right now. I have so much **** going on in my mind that just makes me sick. Feelings or not, it's like you said yesterday...you don't want to date people because it's not fair to them.

Well...this isn't fair to you. Right now, as messed up as I am, I can't give you anything normal and I'm not going to pretend that it is normal.

 

Me:

 

It sounds like you really need to go see a counselor. It could help you.

Why all this today? I thought our talk went ok yesterday. I'm in no rush. I just want to talk. Nothing more.

 

Her:

 

I know that. But all this **** that's going on makes me want to leave and never come back. I refuse to be tied to anyone in this town because that will just make it harder to leave.

 

You don't realize how much this sucks and how goddamn stressed out I am and any little thing, any surprise, anything unexpected pushes me closer to losing my mind. My brain feels like a watermelon in the skull the size of an orange.

 

Please .....just try to understand that I can't deal with this **** right now.

 

 

ME:

 

I'm worried about you.

All I want is to help.

I don't know how I became the enemy.

 

 

 

 

 

Her:

 

You're not an enemy. I never said that. And I know this sucks. But with the other crap I have going on, trying to deal with MSTBXH, I'm already sick to my stomach. And even though you're trying to help, you're also looking for answers. I can't handle any more added stress right now.

I know you want to help, but when I have to listen to things that overwhelm me and when I'm asked questions about what I feel and what's going on, I can't deal with that. This crap is consuming me daily and the last thing I need right now is to be pressured about anything else.

My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and it's because I know what we were, I know what you want, and I can't force that right now.

 

I know that I need to take care of a lot of stuff, but I can only handle one problem at a time.

 

ME:

 

I understand that. If that is all true, then where does the other person fit into this picture? Shouldn't you in fact be dealing with this one at a time like you say? From what I understand, its two at a time.

I understand if you no longer have those deep feelings for me, and now do for someone else, but you should be honest with me about that. I think if you really did love me as you said in the past, nothing would get in the way of that. I'm not trying to pressure you, but trying to understand.

Also, are you sure your feelings for STBXH are gone? Is that another issue, and that's what's delaying the divorce for so long?

Thank you for talking to me about this.

 

And no reply to the last email.

I know this was long, but I felt I should share to all those following.

It's been a crappy two days.

Off the NC Bandwagon HARD!!

Edited August 7, 2010 by HighPlainsDrifter

[GrayClouds]

I can't give you anything

There you have your closure.

It sounds like you really need to go see a counselor. It could help you.

Stop focusing on her, keep it on you.

I just want to talk. Nothing more.

Your lying and you know, she knows it. But as she already said, she is not going to give you anything.

Her:

I know that. But all this **** that's going on makes me want to leave and never come back. I refuse to be tied to anyone in this town because that will just make it harder to leave.

Are you listen to her when she says: "I refuse to be tied to anyone"

I am and any little thing, any surprise, anything unexpected pushes me closer to losing my mind.

any little thing...like you showing up at her work?

Please .....just try to understand that I can't deal with this **** right now.

More closure that your wanting.

I'm worried about you.

All I want is to help.

I don't know how I became the enemy.

You were not the enemy, you was a fun distraction from her other issues, after she got done using you as that, you just become something else to deal with, she does not want your help.

You're not an enemy. I never said that. And I know this sucks. But with the other crap I have going on, trying to deal with MSTBXH, I'm already sick to my stomach. And even though you're trying to help, you're also looking for answers. I can't handle any more added stress right now.

She is a person who avoids things. That is how she handles stress. She used you to avoid the pain of her divorce, she thinking that moving will help her avoid it and now you. You are wanting her to be someone she is not someone who sit down and communicates. She never was the person and likely will never be.

I know what you want, and I can't force that right now. but I can only handle one problem at a time.

Becouse she is advice the hard stuff, she will not come out and tell you to f#ck off but this is what she is saying. Do you here her? She is calling you a problem.

I understand that lynn. If that is all true, then where does the other person fit into this picture? Shouldn't you in fact be dealing with this one at a time like you say? From what I understand, its two at a time.

The other one was to help her avoid you but for you refuse to let go even in the face of her being with another guy (not to mentioned still married).

I understand if you no longer have those deep feelings for me, and now do for someone else, but you should be honest with me about that. I think if you really did love me as you said in the past, nothing would get in the way of that. I'm not trying to pressure you, but trying to understand.

That is exactly what you are trying to to is to pressure her. Get her to say that she loves you, made a big mistake and to take away all your pain. But she can not tell you that because your relationship was not about love but intensity and avoidance for her. She rebound with you to distract her from the EX, and then rebound with the new one to distract her for you.

Also, are you sure your feelings for mike are gone? Is that another issue, and that's what's delaying the divorce for so long?

The delay is because she does not take care of her own business, she bouncing from one bit of drama to another. How to you think her ex feels. She doing the same BS to him as to you. She was married to him. Do you thing she is going to treat you better then she treating a guy she promised to love forever in front of friends and family? Really think about that.

Thank you for talking to me about this.

Stop begging, stop hoping, stop letting this person hurt you, and stop hurting yourself. She is not going to talk, again she does not have it in her for you, for the EX husband or for the next guy

 

She complains about the sh#t in her life, but it is all her own creation. Sorry HPD but this women is a wrecking ball and she will destroy everything in her path. Sadly you happen to got in her way.

Edited August 7, 2010 by GrayClouds

[HighPlainsDrifter]

There you have your closure.

 

Stop focusing on her, keep it on you.

 

Your lying and you know, she knows it. But as she already said, she is not going to give you anything.

 

Are you listen to her when she says: "I refuse to be tied to anyone"

 

any little thing...like you showing up at her work?

 

More closure that your wanting.

 

You were not the enemy, you was a fun distraction from her other issues, after she got done using you as that, you just become something else to deal with, she does not want your help.

 

She is a person who avoids things. That is how she handles stress. She used you to avoid the pain of her divorce, she thinking that moving will help her avoid it and now you. You are wanting her to be someone she is not someone who sit down and communicates. She never was the person and likely will never be.

 

Becouse she is advice the hard stuff, she will not come out and tell you to f#ck off but this is what she is saying. Do you here her? She is calling you a problem.

 

The other one was to help her avoid you but for you refuse to let go even in the face of her being with another guy (not to mentioned still married).

 

That is exactly what you are trying to to is to pressure her. Get her to say that she loves you, made a big mistake and to take away all your pain. But she can not tell you that because your relationship was not about love but intensity and avoidance for her. She rebound with you to distract her from the EX, and then rebound with the new one to distract her for you.

The delay is because she does not take care of her own business, she bouncing from one bit of drama to another. How to you think her ex feels. She doing the same BS to him as to you. She was married to him. Do you thing she is going to treat you better then she treating a guy she promised to love forever in front of friends and family? Really think about that.

Stop begging, stop hoping, stop letting this person hurt you, and stop hurting yourself. She is not going to talk, again she does not have it in her for you, for the EX husband or for the next guy

 

She complains about the sh#t in her life, but it is all her own creation. Sorry HPD but this women is a wrecking ball and she will destroy everything in her path. Sadly you happen to got in her way.

 

 

 

Again, Clouds...

 

You are a wise man. It's so hard to face this, but what you say is likely dead on. When we were in the parking lot together, I would have sworn I could feel the love. And, even though you're quote is likely more correct on not being able to give me anything, she did say anything "normal" right now. How's that for grasping at straws on my part??

 

You are correct though. She doesn't face any problems. She avoids them. She runs from one problem to the next, leaving a wake of destruction in her path. It's a horrible spot for me to be in. My heart is telling me one thing, but my mind is telling me another. It's always so easy looking from the outside in. So difficult doing the opposite.

 

I can tell she has been through a lot since I saw her last. She has probably gained about 30-40lbs, and didn't look as good as when she dated me. Didn't matter one bit though. I still looked in her eyes and loved her every bit as much as I did in the past.

 

I guess I've done all I can. I wish she would get counseling. I know I need to stop thinking about her. Dam though... I still love this freakin hot mess of a woman.

 

What an albatross to have hanging around my neck. I feel like I've lost my mind.

Edited August 7, 2010 by HighPlainsDrifter

[GrayClouds]

Again, Clouds...

 

You are a wise man. It's so hard to face this, but what you say is likely dead on. When we were in the parking lot together, I would have sworn I could feel the love.

 

You are correct though. She doesn't face any problems. She avoids them. She runs from one problem to the next, leaving a wake of destruction in her path. It's a horrible spot for me to be in. My heart is telling me one thing, but my mind is telling me another. It's always so easy looking from the outside in. So difficult doing the opposite.

 

I can tell she has been through a lot since I saw her last. She has probably gained about 30-40lbs, and didn't look as good as when she dated me. Didn't matter one bit though. I still looked in her eyes and loved her every bit as much as I did in the past.

 

I guess I've done all I can. I wish she would get counseling. I know I need to stop thinking about her. Dam though... I still love this freakin hot mess of a woman.

 

What an albatross to have hanging around my neck. I feel like I've lost my mind.

 

There is one thing you both have in common:

 

You both try to use other people to avoid your own issues.

 

Her; her waste pile of men. You; her. She does it overtly but your doing the same thing by obsession over over this women and allowing yourself to be addicted to her drama.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

There is one thing you both have in common:

 

You both try to use other people to avoid your own issues.

 

Her; her waste pile of men. You; her. She does it overtly but your doing the same thing by obsession over over this women and allowing yourself to be addicted to her drama.

 

I know I need to separate myself from her. I'm not so sure I agree with the similarity, but there is no question that I'm allowing myself to be addicted to her drama.

 

Wow, she was such a sweetheart when I first met her, and for nine months after that, and then "poof". Gone.

 

I understand what you are saying about expecting her to treat me better than her husband. I don't know exactly how she has treated him, but it would be a safe bet to assume it's much the same as I'm being treated.

 

I never would have believe I would have gotten here when we met. She is a beautiful killer... She has stolen my heart.

[GrayClouds]

She has stolen my heart.

 

Complicate BS! You gave it to her, just as your still giving her your power.

 

And you do not see the similarities?

 

She is unhappy with her life. Does she look inward to solve that problem? No she look externally towards others: first with a divorce, then hooking up with some guy, they hooking up with another guy. She not facing her issues, she focusing on others rather then herself.

 

Your too are unhappy with your life. Do you look inward to solve that problem? No you look externally towards another; her to answer your questions, her to give you closure, to validate the love you felt. You are focus on another rather then yourself.

 

You both have a blind spot that is causing your pain, that blind spot is looking inward. The good news is if you want, you can gain that insight.