Star Gazer Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 He is 26 years old and has never been single. He's gone from relationship to relationship since high school, although, to the best of my knowledge, he's never cheated on anyone except his last gf, with me. Not a good sign, unfortunately. If he literally went from one to the next, he left each relationship emotionally and was with someone else emotionally before the relationship actually ended. That's cheating...
Author spookie Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Not a good sign, unfortunately. If he literally went from one to the next, he left each relationship emotionally and was with someone else emotionally before the relationship actually ended. That's cheating... Agreed on both counts. So, what do I do??? Do I leave him now, or hope that this relationship, unlike his past ones, won't end?
Author spookie Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) Man, this is hard. On the one hand, we have it so good. I think he's amazing: sweet, funny, affectionate. The sex is the best I've ever had. So far, he's been reliable, all in all, the perfect boyfriend. On the other hand... given the way we got together, and his relationship history, and the fact that 8 months in I still don't trust him... I don't know if I ever will. Moreover, I'm 24 years old... young by some standards, pushing 30 by my own. I don't want to waste 4 or 5 years being with this guy just for him to get to the point where being with me "feels like a chore" (his excuse for cheating with me on his past gf). I'm cut out for a monogamous relationship. I want to get married and be a boring couple who stays home to cook dinner and talk all the time, and have children. He has already expressed no desire for the above until he starts getting "old" - 30's to 40's. While I'm ok with this timeline (for the kids part), I don't want to wind up just being a temporary piece of meat to him while he pursues his other life goals. I guess I want a serious relationship, and I don't see that happening with him. On the other hand, he's the second person since my ex and I broke up 3 years ago that I've even been interested in dating. I don't think the answer is as simple as, "break up with him and go find someone you can trust!" because in that case I might be single forever. And is it wise to end a perfectly good relationship... because I'm afraid of it ending? Ugh. Edited August 6, 2010 by spookie
AverageJoe Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I don't want to wind up just being a temporary piece of meat to him while he pursues his other life goals. Thats what you were when he cheated on his ex with you. Pull your **** together and dump him, is this behavior acceptable to you? Next thing you know it will be. Your on the verge of it now. Focus on you and your future.
Author spookie Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Thats what you were when he cheated on his ex with you. Pull your **** together and dump him, is this behavior acceptable to you? Next thing you know it will be. Your on the verge of it now. Focus on you and your future. Is what behavior acceptable to me?? As I have stated several times, he's a really great boyfriend. The only sins he's guilty of are being a serial monogomist and having left his ex for me. In the situation with the ex, he wasn't trying to have us both, to cheat on her and get away with it. In his words, he simply met me and realized he needed to end it with her, which he promptly did. Given how well he's treated me in the last 8 months, shouldn't these flags be demoted to yellow by now? I don't know. I want to be able to trust him, if only so I can enjoy this relationship instead of spending hall my time in freakout mode, ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Today he texted me, obviously hoping to make me feel better/ more secure, about what he did today. "Bike should be ready tomorrow, in the meantime, perfected wheelies on the 4-wheeler today." I appreciate that he's making effort without my even asking.
zengirl Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Is what behavior acceptable to me?? As I have stated several times, he's a really great boyfriend. The only sins he's guilty of are being a serial monogomist and having left his ex for me. In the situation with the ex, he wasn't trying to have us both, to cheat on her and get away with it. In his words, he simply met me and realized he needed to end it with her, which he promptly did. Given how well he's treated me in the last 8 months, shouldn't these flags be demoted to yellow by now? Wasn't he with her for four years? Perhaps he treated her well for three or almost four years for all you know. I'm not saying it never happens that you meet someone else and need to leave another relationship----I think that happens even to good people. Some people just click. However, the fact is, if this is a pattern of behavior, as you've indicated, as he's never been singe, and always left one relationship for another, it would make me worry a bit, too. But, yeah, 8 months in, is a bit of a strange time for that. You have to realize that this guy sees nothing wrong with meeting someone new and leaving a girlfriend, emotionally detaching himself from the relationship. This may or may not happen to you. You have to make peace with it. The fact that he made out with you right away, without telling you anything about his girlfriend, and still being with her. . . that colors it even more. The more you say about this fellow, the less good he seems.
melodymatters Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Aw man, this is a tough one Spook ! I don't trust people who go from relationship to relationship either. I feel like the face put into the cardboard cutout....for NOW. I believe in listening to my gut. It doesn't sound like he's ready for the lovely " boring, old married people who cook and talk and do most things together scene" On the other hand: Things are going pretty great ! Noboby ever knows what can happen, worrying about new potential, imaginary girlfriends is nuts ! Even when things are perfect and lovely, people die, so that would leave you never loving, marrying or having children if you approached things from the sole perspective of fear. One thing I do when feeling insecure is do something that makes me feel special. Whether it's simply hanging out with people who think I'm great and make me feel that way when I'm around them, or take a trip, GO audition for a play, something thats all about the fabulous Miz Spookie ! Good luck girl, I feel for you on this one....
Author spookie Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Wasn't he with her for four years? Perhaps he treated her well for three or almost four years for all you know. I'm not saying it never happens that you meet someone else and need to leave another relationship----I think that happens even to good people. Some people just click. However, the fact is, if this is a pattern of behavior, as you've indicated, as he's never been singe, and always left one relationship for another, it would make me worry a bit, too. But, yeah, 8 months in, is a bit of a strange time for that. You have to realize that this guy sees nothing wrong with meeting someone new and leaving a girlfriend, emotionally detaching himself from the relationship. This may or may not happen to you. You have to make peace with it. The fact that he made out with you right away, without telling you anything about his girlfriend, and still being with her. . . that colors it even more. The more you say about this fellow, the less good he seems. I agree that there are red flags in his past behaivior (of course I do... if I was ok with it, I wouldn't be posting!) But the flip side of this is, dating is a means to find the person you want to marry. Sometimes, this leads to some cruel implications for the people we are with at the time. Relationships, especially those started in high school and college, often don't last. Many people change too much during these times of their lives. What I know about his relationship with his exr, is that he HAD checked out by the time he met me, and was planning on leaving her. Obviously, he handled it badly by messing around with me before informing her of this, but from my understanding, the breakup was inevitable before we met. So, it wasn't the same situation that I am paranoid will repeat with me. He didn't dump her for someone else. He just dumped her. I DO believe this, in my head and heart. But sometimes I lose sight of this belief, and start viewing him as a cheating womanizer as I do most men, unfortunately, due to my own issues.
Author spookie Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Aw man, this is a tough one Spook ! I don't trust people who go from relationship to relationship either. I feel like the face put into the cardboard cutout....for NOW. I believe in listening to my gut. It doesn't sound like he's ready for the lovely " boring, old married people who cook and talk and do most things together scene" On the other hand: Things are going pretty great ! Noboby ever knows what can happen, worrying about new potential, imaginary girlfriends is nuts ! Even when things are perfect and lovely, people die, so that would leave you never loving, marrying or having children if you approached things from the sole perspective of fear. One thing I do when feeling insecure is do something that makes me feel special. Whether it's simply hanging out with people who think I'm great and make me feel that way when I'm around them, or take a trip, GO audition for a play, something thats all about the fabulous Miz Spookie ! Good luck girl, I feel for you on this one.... Thanks, MM. You make a good point about the fact that nothing is guaranteed in life, even with people we feel 100% confident about. I have had these moments of freak-out through the entire course of this relationship, but usually, my "gut feeling" that he is about to dump me turns out to be completely unfounded, as appears to be the case here. He is gone for the weekend to a series of parties back home, while I am stuck studying, but he's making an effort to demonstrate that he wishes I were there with him. I really appreciate that. I think, for now, he is definitely in this realtionship 100%. As you point out, it's insanity to worry about new potential and imaginary girlfriends. I think this situation is compounded by the fact that I CAN'T do anything for me at the moment, as I normally would to stop feeling like this, because I am studying for a big test that I have coming up next week, and simply can't afford the time to do any of the many things I'd like to do that would help me feel better about myself, regardless of his presence in my life. That is great advice tho, a lesson I learned the hard way through my last breakup. I can't WAIT to be done w/ this test!
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