Adjusting to life changes in a relationship

[spookie]

My bf is starting grad school.

 

I have been dreading this since we started dating in January.

 

Right now, we're very much in the honeymoom phase - though it took a few months of learning to trust each other to get here - which is aided by the fact that our lifestyles are so similar.

 

We're both young professionals. We works in the suburbs, live in the city, make similar amounts of money that we spend in about the same way. We share the same circle of friends and enjoy doing the same s!ht on the weekends.

 

When he starts grad school, all of that will change. Additionally, he'll be surrounded by tons of hot women with whom he has more in common than we do.

 

I'm nervous.

 

I do realize that there's no point in being governed by fear. If he's going to leave me, he'll leave me; I can't prevent the inevitable; but what can I do to stop FEELING so anxious?

 

Basically, what can I do to my own life, and how can I adjust our relationship, so I'm not constantly stressing?

[popey]

You made 3 statements that I suggest you reconsider.

 

(1) "When he starts grad school, all that's going to change."

How do you know that his going to grad school will automaticly change EVERYTHING.

(2) You said his female classmates will have more in common with him. All you know is that, yes, they will have one thing in common with him, that you do not. Who says that outweighs what you have?

(3) While I'm sure he will have some attractive female classmates, unless he's getting a masters degree in fashion modeling; I'm not so sure he's going to be SURROUNDED BY ALL THESE HOT WOMEN.

[Serenitynow]

You're 8 mos into the relationship. . . what is the honeymoon phase ?

[Romance]

You sound VERY insecure. Your boyfriend isn't your whole life. I'm sure he sees hot women everyday, but he loves you and thinks you're beautiful. You're going to absolutely drive yourself insane and possibly ruin your relationship if you don't a) get some confidence in your relationship and b) develop a functioning life outside of your boyfriend

[Crazy Magnet]

Maybe if he's going into nursing he'll be surrounded by hot women, but most grad programs are either evenly split or male dominated. Many people are coupled up or married by grad school anyway.

 

I think you need to see if anything changes before you worry about what to do about it. For all you know things might be the same.

[spookie]

You sound VERY insecure. Your boyfriend isn't your whole life. I'm sure he sees hot women everyday, but he loves you and thinks you're beautiful. You're going to absolutely drive yourself insane and possibly ruin your relationship if you don't a) get some confidence in your relationship and b) develop a functioning life outside of your boyfriend

 

My insecurity is being compounded by the fact that he's about to start something exciting, while I'm in a rut. I know I really need to focus on getting myself out, but it's hard because there are so many competing priorities I must attend to at the moment.

[zengirl]

My bf is starting grad school.

 

I have been dreading this since we started dating in January.

 

That's pretty lame, since I'm guessing it's something that's pretty important to him that he actively wants to do. You're letting your insecurities dictate you "dreading" something positive in his life. That kind of sucks.

 

Right now, we're very much in the honeymoom phase - though it took a few months of learning to trust each other to get here - which is aided by the fact that our lifestyles are so similar.

 

We're both young professionals. We works in the suburbs, live in the city, make similar amounts of money that we spend in about the same way. We share the same circle of friends and enjoy doing the same s!ht on the weekends.

 

So you've seen the ways you are the same. Now is the time to celebrate the ways you are different. Good relationships have a bit of both. It's 8 months, so it's not like this is a change coming right away. You've had time to settle in with each other and there should be a foundation.

 

When he starts grad school, all of that will change. Additionally, he'll be surrounded by tons of hot women with whom he has more in common than we do.

 

I'm nervous.

 

"Oh, no we're doooooooommmed!" That's what I hear here, and I can't see why you'd think that way.

 

A) Where is this graduate program that's filled with hot women? What is he going to school for fashion design? (And if he is, kudos to you for landing a straight fashion designer. How'd you do it?)

 

B) What makes you think they'd have more in common? I have nothing in common, besides my career, with most of the people in my graduate program. Sure, we can talk about how we love books and kids, but I'd never date most of them. Even the ones who aren't women.

 

C) Do you think the only reason he's with you is because he hasn't seen anything "better" and that he'd jump at the first opportunity? If so, that's kind of flimsy for a relationship 8 months in.

 

I do realize that there's no point in being governed by fear. If he's going to leave me, he'll leave me; I can't prevent the inevitable; but what can I do to stop FEELING so anxious?

 

Basically, what can I do to my own life, and how can I adjust our relationship, so I'm not constantly stressing?

 

1) Figure out the reasons why you're so afraid/insecure. The real reasons.

 

2) Figure out if there's anything in the actual relationship making you insecure. If there is, address it respectfully and maturely, with your partner.

 

3) Focus on why you and your partner are together, not all the problems that "might" arise.

 

4) Be happy and excited for him -- rather than dreading it -- as he embarks on a new part of his life, support his studies and interests, rather than worrying about how they might detract from your relationship. Make sure you keep your own interests and life as well.

[yah]

I found this thread interesting. In my relationship, I'm the grad student and SO is the young professional. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side because sometimes I'm envious of my SO. He gets an office, a professional salary, doing *important* things that people pay him for, he's a real adult, etc etc. Your SO may actually be thinking the same thing, that you are going to out-earn him while he goes back to being *just a student*.

 

What you can do-- don't think so negatively!!

[spookie]

I'm not doing so hot, guys.... I'm actually considering ending because I can't trust him.

 

He has given me no reason not to trust him, yet I'm expecting to be either cheated on or abandoned out of the blue.

 

He moved into a new apartment last weekend and is going on a trip to Panama with a bunch of people from his program in a couple of days. All I can think about is how there will be hot smart single girls there and even if nothing happens, he's going to be comparing everyone to me. It's not that I feel like I don't deserve a guy like him or anything, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect myself to compete with everyone in every category. I mean, someone is going to be more attractive to him than I am... what will he do when he runs into a willing female like that??

 

What should I do? Should I end it and try to find someone whose love I won't doubt? (He's never actually said he loves me, so perhaps "doubt" is the wrong word.)

 

The only thing I can think of that is causing me to be so suspicious of him, is that he started dating me before he broke up with his previous girlfriend. My friends tell me the two of them had a bad relationship, while he is crazy about me, but while I don't doubt the second part, in my gut I believe he's one of those people that's always on the lookout for something better - instead of being satisfied with what he's got. And I'm scared that this top-notch program he's about to start is going to expose him to a lot of "something better".

[Els]

What do you think dumping him will solve, when this problem is evidently internal?

[zengirl]

I'm not doing so hot, guys.... I'm actually considering ending because I can't trust him.

 

He has given me no reason not to trust him, yet I'm expecting to be either cheated on or abandoned out of the blue.

 

He moved into a new apartment last weekend and is going on a trip to Panama with a bunch of people from his program in a couple of days. All I can think about is how there will be hot smart single girls there and even if nothing happens, he's going to be comparing everyone to me. It's not that I feel like I don't deserve a guy like him or anything, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect myself to compete with everyone in every category. I mean, someone is going to be more attractive to him than I am... what will he do when he runs into a willing female like that??

 

What should I do? Should I end it and try to find someone whose love I won't doubt? (He's never actually said he loves me, so perhaps "doubt" is the wrong word.)

 

The only thing I can think of that is causing me to be so suspicious of him, is that he started dating me before he broke up with his previous girlfriend. My friends tell me the two of them had a bad relationship, while he is crazy about me, but while I don't doubt the second part, in my gut I believe he's one of those people that's always on the lookout for something better - instead of being satisfied with what he's got. And I'm scared that this top-notch program he's about to start is going to expose him to a lot of "something better".

 

Ah. . . . okay. Well, I don't date fellows just getting out of a relationship for exactly that reason, as I am of the "once a cheater, likely to cheat again" philosophy + the moral conundrum.

 

That said, it sounds like a lot of these issues are yours, not his. I'd work on those first.

[spookie]

Thanks for the replies. How does one work on one's issues???

 

I am having a really hard time keeping myself from obsessing about this relationship going wrong: he doesn't call me again, meets up with me unenthusiastically a couple more times at my initiative, then drops off the face of the earth. I hear from my friends that he's dating someone else. Or, after a week or so of half-assed contact, he tells me he cheated on me, and that it's over.

 

I will replay the entire breakup in my head, including going through my emotions, in between contact with him. For example, I'll leave his place Monday morning, freak out about how it might be the last I see of him, obsess all day about how I am going to feel when my nightmare comes true, and will actually start moving on.. when he calls me on Tuesday. Obviously, having no clue what I just went through in my head.

[spookie]

I am really happy when I am with him and I have really fallen for this guy, but the fact that this relationship is such a roller coaster to me even without his help imo indicates he isn't right for me. I shouldn't have to spend so much time wondering if he is going to leave me for someone better.

[zengirl]

Thanks for the replies. How does one work on one's issues???

 

I am having a really hard time keeping myself from obsessing about this relationship going wrong: he doesn't call me again, meets up with me unenthusiastically a couple more times at my initiative, then drops off the face of the earth. I hear from my friends that he's dating someone else. Or, after a week or so of half-assed contact, he tells me he cheated on me, and that it's over.

 

I will replay the entire breakup in my head, including going through my emotions, in between contact with him. For example, I'll leave his place Monday morning, freak out about how it might be the last I see of him, obsess all day about how I am going to feel when my nightmare comes true, and will actually start moving on.. when he calls me on Tuesday. Obviously, having no clue what I just went through in my head.

 

I don't know how you work on your issues because I don't know what they are. I can speculate. I think there might be a part of you that feels a bit guilty about what happened to his last girlfriend. A part of you that judges him for how the relationship started, and judges yourself. But, deeper than that, this sounds like abandonment issues. Regardless of whether or not he's the right person, you've got to get into whatever is making you feel this way to ever have a healthy relationship. This may just be the best time to work it out.

 

And it's kind of a silly reason to break up with someone----breaking up with someone to avoid potential pain (not because of something they are or something they're doing but because of twisted projections on your own part) is pretty ridiculous. I'm not saying "Don't break up with him" if there are other reasons to. . . or saying he's absolutely right for you. . . I've no idea and the newest piece of information doesn't endear him to me, as I've no tolerance for cheaters or those who go from one to another. . . but I don't see a break up as a solution to your actual problem.

 

I am really happy when I am with him and I have really fallen for this guy, but the fact that this relationship is such a roller coaster to me even without his help imo indicates he isn't right for me. I shouldn't have to spend so much time wondering if he is going to leave me for someone better.

 

I'm not saying he IS right for you, but since you're the one creating the rollercoaster, leaving him isn't going to end it. It's going to be right there waiting for the next time something touches your anxieties.

[Green]

Plenty of people go to grad school and don't break up with there gfs. Almost all of the girls at my grad school were lame and most of the ones who weren't lame were either dating some one or married.

 

I would be worried though if he is taking trips with out you and forming an entire social network he is not inviting you into.

 

I think a lot of the problem is you feel like he's on a new adventure and you feel like your in a rut. WELL start something up... you need adventure too.

[Feelin Frisky]

Spookie, an analyst would tell you that you are "projecting" your fears. I don't know if such a person telling you that would be much help--the fact is that fear is dominating your intellect. You want to change that around to having your intellect rule your emotions into proportions where you can address them without it feeling like a ton of bricks is already on top of you.

 

I don't know if you're open to psychiatry but many people have suffered with the same gut terror and projections of worst fears and modern medicines exist to expressly help your mind engage first before your gut so that you will not be the cause of a worst case scenario by driving the other person away with insecurities.

 

If you think psychiatry stigmatizes you and that it is some how "bad" or embarrassing, the only thing you can really do is to work hard on your sense of independence which thereby might quell some of your co-dependence. This guy obviously has a connection with you. It will be strengthened if you transition into someone with goals and self worth rather than coming off as an emotional weight he has to carry. What interests you in life beside him?

[Hot Carl]

This is a huge red flag. You can do better. Find a guy who will treat you right, Spookie.

 

You go girl!

[kalikula]

I agree that your fears are probably justified for 2 reasons- he hasn't told you he loves you yet AND he starting dating you before he ended things with his ex.

 

You should listen to your instincts. If they say that he's always looking to trade up, then I wouldn't ignore that... Maybe have a talk with him...

[spookie]

Plenty of people go to grad school and don't break up with there gfs. Almost all of the girls at my grad school were lame and most of the ones who weren't lame were either dating some one or married.

 

I would be worried though if he is taking trips with out you and forming an entire social network he is not inviting you into.

 

I think a lot of the problem is you feel like he's on a new adventure and you feel like your in a rut. WELL start something up... you need adventure too.

 

Yah, exactly. He is forming a social network to which I am not invited. He goes out several times a week with people from his grad program and I haven't met them once.

 

On the other hand I've been busy with work and studying so it's been a while since I met any new people or did anything fun not involving him. I am in a rut.

[pandagirl]

Spookie, it's clear you don't trust your boyfriend, which is sort of understandable seeing the way you guys got together.

 

But if there is no trust (and you say you are in love with him), this relationship cannot survive with you being so scared of him going to GRAD school. Your boyfriend can meet someone else anywhere. He will cheat if he wants to. If your boyfriend got a new job, it would be the same problem.

 

You've been dating him for 8 months and you afraid. I think a certain amount of fear is normal in a relationship, because we are all scared to lose what is precious to us, but this is extreme. You are only harming the relationship and yourself by being this way.

 

Your worrying is not going to stop him from leaving you. Nothing is ever for certain.

[Star Gazer]

I totally understand not trusting him given the way you guys got together. He cheated on his ex with you, so who's to say he won't do the same with you. I totally get that.

 

Thing is, if it's not grad school that causes your fears, it will be something else. A new exciting job. A fun trip with his friends. Etc., etc., etc. There will always be opportunities for "something better" (not that there IS something better than you, Spook, just that you'll think there will be). So either you need to get a handle on your fears and deal with them, or move on.

 

Do you know what his relationship history is like before his ex? Has he gone from relationship to relationship? Has he had significant down time alone, and single?

[spookie]

I'm in some serious pain.

 

I need you guys to tell me if I'm over-reacting.

 

I hung out with him on Sunday. That's when I got all the weird vibes that prompted me to start this thread.

 

Now it's Thursday.

 

He has plans to be out of town this whole weekend.

 

I texted him yesterday about winning a taco eating competition (14 crunchy taco's... that's right). No response.

 

I called him tonight. He didn't pick up right away, but called me back. However, it appeared that the connection was crappy, and he couldn't hear anything.

 

I waited a couple minutes for him to call me back... nothing.

 

After 20 minutes or so, I called him again. He didn't pick up.

 

I really started freaking out/ crying at this point. 20 minutes later, I called him again. Still nothing.

 

Was my gut feeling right, then?

 

Is he on a date with someone else as we speak?

 

I mean, it's 1030 PM thursday night. He knows I'm trying to get ahold of him.

 

Why else would he be dodging my calls?

 

Or, am I just trying to find a good reason to end it?

[zengirl]

If he had a bad connection, that could be anything.

 

I'd be more annoyed about my SO not texting me back the day before. I don't expect everyone to call/text me back right away, but if I'm actually in a committed, long-term relationship, I totally do expect some sort of response within a day or so. That's just me though.

[spookie]

I was pretty fcvked up last night. Eventually he called me back and probably sensed that I was hysterical, because he came over even though he was planning on driving home.

 

I told him I've been paranoid about being cheated on/ abandoned (a conversation that has popped up a couple of times in the past). He asked why. I said I didn't know. He said, "It's probably because I just moved, and everything's changing."

 

We were lying there in the dark and I was still drunk and I started crying. He held me as tight as he could and said, "you don't have to worry."

 

But I'm still worrying, I can't stop. I don't want to worry anymore, but all I can think about, is the first time we met, when he danced with me in his living room, and gently pried off my boots before I went back to his bedroom with him to make out.

 

He had a girlfriend at the time. He'd been dating her for 4 years. She had absolutely no idea. (At the time, neither did I.)

 

I mean, maybe at 8 months it's kinda late in the game to think, "if he did it with me, he'll do it to me," but won't I just be saving myself a s!htload of grief later on by ending it now??

 

Honestly, I don't know if I am strong enough to leave someone I love, who treats me really well, but it seems like moving on now, before I am even more invested, is the right thing to do.

[spookie]

Do you know what his relationship history is like before his ex? Has he gone from relationship to relationship? Has he had significant down time alone, and single?

 

He is 26 years old and has never been single. He's gone from relationship to relationship since high school, although, to the best of my knowledge, he's never cheated on anyone except his last gf, with me.