purgatori Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'd be totally honest in saying I would rather receive a message saying "no thanks". That's just me though. I'd prefer that as well. Ideally, someone would be as specific as "you seem like a boring sissy, and I don't have any interest in conversing with you" -- at least then, I'd know what it is that this or that person finds so off-putting about me, rather than having to speculate. I know that's totally unrealistic, though.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I had the same prob when I did on line dating years back I ended up doing a 50% response rate I only ignored the ones who clearly didn't take the time to read my profile at all. I was going to 1st suggest something along those lines but then I remembered this guy I know who actually wanted this girl even more once she said no. Matter of fact thats when he went into creepy stalker overdrive mode so maybe as others have suggested totally ignoring might be the safer bet with men after all..
Mimolicious Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I just started filling out my blank OKcupid account. I haven't uploaded any pictures yet, but a guy who's a 95% match just messaged me and it made me realize how guilty I'm going to feel about not messaging back guys I'm not interested in. This guy seems like a shy, sweet dork. He's pretty overweight, and not at all my type. He read my profile carefully and asked me questions about specific things I mentioned. I bet he's messaged a bunch of women and gotten very few responses. It makes me sad being one of those women. Should I message him back even if I'm not interested in, or is that leading him on? Don't reply. You don't owe him a reply. FYI- you'll need some thick skin to do online dating. LOL! Why entertain him if he is not of your interest?!
zengirl Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'd be totally honest in saying I would rather receive a message saying "no thanks". That's just me though. So, from a guy's perspective, what do you think the nicest way to say "No, thanks" is. I mean, if I get a long detailed message, sending back a literal "No, thanks" just seems snarky and mean. I've done what I consider "I'm not interested" messages, but they're always a bit of a minefield. Harder still, though I'll never stop sending them when I come across someone who fits this, are "Hey, I'm not into you, but I think it looks like we have a lot in common, so we could be friends. Really just friends. I mean it" (not literal, but that's the message) messages. I know maybe that seems attention-seeking to some people, but when I see awesome people, and they contact me, I have to at least throw the "friends" possibility out there, even if I know there's no chance of attraction or they hate kids or they go to church every Sunday or some other huge incompatibility.
Raderick Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 So, from a guy's perspective, what do you think the nicest way to say "No, thanks" is. Harder still, though I'll never stop sending them when I come across someone who fits this, are "Hey, I'm not into you, but I think it looks like we have a lot in common, so we could be friends. Really just friends. I mean it" (not literal, but that's the message) messages. I know maybe that seems attention-seeking to some people, but when I see awesome people, and they contact me, I have to at least throw the "friends" possibility out there, even if I know there's no chance of attraction or they hate kids or they go to church every Sunday or some other huge incompatibility. If you're asking just me, your response is perfect - I love getting to know people even if it's strictly platonic. If it's just to say "**** you go away", a response similar to "Thank you for the e-mail, I appreciate the effort but I don't see us clicking, I wish you all of the best" would suffice.
Serenitynow Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 So, from a guy's perspective, what do you think the nicest way to say "No, thanks" is. I dont even reply. I've only had 5 women in a year initiate contact me, and only 2 of them I chose not to reply to.
neowulf Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Wow.. there are sure a hell a lot of "harsh" people out there. While I understand its easy to forget, there are real people on the other end of those keyboards. "You don't owe them anything". While technically true, that seems like a pretty selfish way of dealing with the world. They are human beings and they happen to think you're worth the time to contact. Surely they deserve better than to be completely ignored? Not sending a simple "No thankyou" is akin in my mind to simply ignoring someone if they try to strike up a conversation. It'd be considered highly rude. I'd actually like to see an "auto-response" system implemented personally. If a woman looks at a message and doesn't response within a certain time (say within 8 hours), the system automatically assumes she's not interested and auto-replies to the person. I make a point of *always* responding to every message I get. *shrug* My opinion anyway.
purgatori Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I think it's pretty clear -- based on the fact that I am georgaphically distant from most of the women I contact on OKCupid, as well as my profile, and the content of the messages themselves that I send -- that I am only seeking to make friends/penpals, so something like 'no thanks', or 'I don't see us clicking', wouldn't really cut it for me. It's not that I think that anyone I contact is under any obligation to do so, but if they are going to reply at all, then the only response that I'm really going to appreciate is one that throws some light on what makes even a casual discussion with me about shared interests and the like such an unappealing prospect. Sure, responses such as the ones outlined above could be considered to be 'courteous' and 'nice', and there would be plenty of people who would appreciate them, but I don't personally place much value on social niceties so much as (brutal) honesty.
neowulf Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 ..that I am only seeking to make friends/penpals, so something like 'no thanks', or 'I don't see us clicking', wouldn't really cut it for me. Sure, responses such as the ones outlined above could be considered to be 'courteous' and 'nice', and there would be plenty of people who would appreciate them, but I don't personally place much value on social niceties so much as (brutal) honesty. Ummm.. that makes no sense at all. You'd rather be completely ignored than simply told "Sorry, I'm not interested?" That doesn't sound like you value brutal honestly. It sounds like you'd rather be passively rejected than told straight up where you stand.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Wow.. there are sure a hell a lot of "harsh" people out there. While I understand its easy to forget, there are real people on the other end of those keyboards. "You don't owe them anything". While technically true, that seems like a pretty selfish way of dealing with the world. They are human beings and they happen to think you're worth the time to contact. Surely they deserve better than to be completely ignored? Not sending a simple "No thankyou" is akin in my mind to simply ignoring someone if they try to strike up a conversation. It'd be considered highly rude. I'd actually like to see an "auto-response" system implemented personally. If a woman looks at a message and doesn't response within a certain time (say within 8 hours), the system automatically assumes she's not interested and auto-replies to the person. I make a point of *always* responding to every message I get. *shrug* My opinion anyway. Um but what if she looked at it just before she was running out to work and was interested but didn't get the chance to reply? As I said I tried to respond as well but then again I wasn't getting 10 a day at that rate I could see were it might get tiering and time consuming.
neowulf Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Um but what if she looked at it just before she was running out to work and was interested but didn't get the chance to reply? As I said I tried to respond as well but then again I wasn't getting 10 a day at that rate I could see were it might get tiering and time consuming. The time window I gave was arbitrary. I'm sure you could find something that would work in the majority of cases. The principle stands. I think if someone goes out of their way to contact you, the very least you can do is respond, even if its a polite "No, thanks".
zengirl Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Wow.. there are sure a hell a lot of "harsh" people out there. While I understand its easy to forget, there are real people on the other end of those keyboards. "You don't owe them anything". While technically true, that seems like a pretty selfish way of dealing with the world. They are human beings and they happen to think you're worth the time to contact. Surely they deserve better than to be completely ignored? Not sending a simple "No thankyou" is akin in my mind to simply ignoring someone if they try to strike up a conversation. It'd be considered highly rude. I'd actually like to see an "auto-response" system implemented personally. If a woman looks at a message and doesn't response within a certain time (say within 8 hours), the system automatically assumes she's not interested and auto-replies to the person. I make a point of *always* responding to every message I get. *shrug* My opinion anyway. I think I rarely write within 8 hours to the guys I'm interested in. Sometimes, maybe, but I tend to read all the messages at once, and then sit down to write back (to the ones I haven't deleted because they're inappropriate in some way), all at once, which may be a bit apart. Then, I write back the fellows I like best first, and kind of struggle with the middle ground. I think having some buttons available would be cool. I could see OKCupid doing it: Button 1: Your message was creepy and/or you're too old, weirdo. Button 2: Your profile is lame and disturbing. Button 3: I just don't think we click, sorry. Or "I'm just not that into you." Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe even a "Button 4" though I don't mind writing this one out: Hey, you're not my type, but we can be friends. Click back if that's cool, and I'll write you a message. A little bit silly, but I often wish I had these buttons.
purgatori Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) Ummm.. that makes no sense at all. You'd rather be completely ignored than simply told "Sorry, I'm not interested?" That doesn't sound like you value brutal honestly. It sounds like you'd rather be passively rejected than told straight up where you stand. Nowhere did I state -- or imply -- that I preferred one over the other. One is no better than the other, to me. Edited July 29, 2010 by purgatori
BobSacamento Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Don't send it. Let the men make up their own fantasy rather than have to settle for your "reasonable" justification for rejection.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I have sent a message to 1 guy on OKCupid who responded with thanks but no thanks. He also went on to explain how we weren't compatible. I would have much prefered if he didn't respond at all.
Scottdmw Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 As a guy I eventually got used to the reality that most women would simply not respond if they weren't interested, and it no longer bothered me. That said, I personally was very appreciative of any women who took the time to give a polite no thank you, and I never pushed back on them. Definitely do not respond to him and send messages back and forth unless you are pretty sure you want to meet him, it is only going to make him feel worse. Now for the challenging suggestion. I would say that if a woman truly wants to help a guy in this situation, the best thing she could do is give him some brutal no holds barred advice on what he needs to do. Is the guy fat? Tell him to lose weight. Is he being a “sweet, shy dork”? Tell him that that is how he is coming across, and that is not attractive to you. Basically, you are not doing the guy any favors by letting him remain as he is if that's not going to work for him. You would be helping him much more with the truth, even though it would be painful to hear. Scott
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