shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I just started filling out my blank OKcupid account. I haven't uploaded any pictures yet, but a guy who's a 95% match just messaged me and it made me realize how guilty I'm going to feel about not messaging back guys I'm not interested in. This guy seems like a shy, sweet dork. He's pretty overweight, and not at all my type. He read my profile carefully and asked me questions about specific things I mentioned. I bet he's messaged a bunch of women and gotten very few responses. It makes me sad being one of those women. Should I message him back even if I'm not interested in, or is that leading him on?
bobdole Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 If that were me, no response would be better than a pity response from someone with no interest in me.
USMCHokie Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Should I message him back even if I'm not interested in, or is that leading him on? I'd say no, don't message him back...if you feel bad now that you're not responding to his first message, imagine how you'll feel when you decide to drop him after several exchanged messages where he's gotten to know you better and probably becomes even more interested... I know it sucks, but you don't owe him anything...it's just the nature of online dating...
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Should I message him back even if I'm not interested in, or is that leading him on? No silent rejection is the way to go with this. Do you feel bad because he put some thought into it... or because he is a 95% match?
SassyKitten Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I completely agree, silent rejection is the best way to go on this one.
Author shadowplay Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 No silent rejection is the way to go with this. Do you feel bad because he put some thought into it... or because he is a 95% match? I feel bad because I hate rejecting someone who I know probably has a lot of trouble getting dates. I've been rejected many times before, and I know how much it hurts. If he was just some player type I wouldn't care.
lovelydemon Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I just write "Thank you for writing to me, you have a very nice profile as well but I don't think we are a good match. I wish you the best in your search" . There is always guys who write back well, how do you know? And then I just don't reply.
SassyKitten Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 They're an anonymous stranger online, it's not like you owe them anything!
carhill Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Think of all the guys you have and will ignore/reject to find one who is compatible. This guy is just one of many. Eventually, he'll gain the perspective that I have, that it (being rejected) doesn't matter, hopefully with a lesser smattering of bitterness. No response is the healthiest response, IMO. You don't 'owe' him anything. Good luck and I hope OKC works out for you
tigressA Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Agree with the majority here: No response is the best response. You owe him nothing. I've ignored bunches of messages on that site, both thoughtful and generic. The few times I tried being "nice" and writing back a short "not interested" message I got b*tched out, so there's no point in doing that.
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I don't think there's any winning in that situation but the fact you feel a little bad about it probably indicates good things about your personality. I don't think it makes any difference which you do, sure a response is nicer but it may make him feel better or worse or neither, who knows. Plus he might turn out to be one of those whiners. He's either used to it and doesn't care, will soon be used to it, or is very bitter anyway.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I feel bad because I hate rejecting someone who I know probably has a lot of trouble getting dates. I've been rejected many times before, and I know how much it hurts. If he was just some player type I wouldn't care. It's good of you to empathize with him. I think it's best to let him spend his time with someone who finds him attractive.
D-Lish Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I've been on OKcupid for a year- averaging 10 messages a day, I've responded to one person. I don't feel bad.
kalikula Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 The best thing to do is just ignore his message then. He will forget about you more easily than if you give him a "not interested" reply.
zengirl Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I know just how you feel. Sometimes, if a guy asks me a specific question, I write back and try to slip in the "Not interested" thing. It almost never works out well. I just feel so bad ignoring if they've asked something. . . But actually, I'm glad to hear guys here would rather be deleted. I feel so bad every time I just delete a decent message. (I instantaneously delete anything with sexual overtones, anyone out of my specified age range, a guy with an angry/sex-driven profile, a guy who has "Casual sex" as one of his options, a guy who calls me any pet names/beautiful/pretty right off the bat, or a guy who uses terrible grammar, like "how r u" without feeling bad. Or a guy who tries the subtle put-down stuff.) But if the guy seems genuinely nice, I really do feel bad. Eh.
Knittress Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Waaaaaaait. Haven't I read a lot on posts on LS about "snotty women who ignore guys and just want to lap up attention?" Or something.
carhill Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 IME, lapping up attention is accomplished by stringing the mark along, keeping 'hope' alive. This is the methodology of the emotional vampire, which our OP is anything but, IMO. If the approach were in person, in public, the OP would/could simply *say* 'no, thanks' (or something similar), or, as many women have told me, 'I don't see you that way'. Personal interaction, with some history, demands a different set of rules than random virtual interaction. The OP and these men are not only complete strangers, they are virtual strangers, never having shared the same space. When I was online dating earlier this year, I was ignored often, even with topical and thought-out introductions, and also did the same to women I had no interest in corresponding with. Life goes on
TaurusTerp Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I've been on OKcupid for a year- averaging 10 messages a day, I've responded to one person. I don't feel bad. Damn girl, that is a vicious ratio.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I feel bad because I hate rejecting someone who I know probably has a lot of trouble getting dates. I've been rejected many times before, and I know how much it hurts. If he was just some player type I wouldn't care. Totally agree -- just ignore it. You wouldn't be doing him any favours by responding if you're not interested. Sucks if he's been rejected a bunch of times, but that's the way it goes. Don't make it your problem.
D-Lish Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Damn girl, that is a vicious ratio. I agree- but I haven't run across any kind of quality. My ratio of messages to response is less on pof.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Yikes, maybe online dating isn't the right thing for you after all; you are far too nice!
NancyBotwin Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Don't feel bad about not responding. A lot of guys play the numbers- message a bunch of babes hoping that maybe 1 will respond.
Serenitynow Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I feel bad because I hate rejecting someone who I know probably has a lot of trouble getting dates. I've been rejected many times before, and I know how much it hurts. If he was just some player type I wouldn't care. I have no problem with women not reading, or replying to my emails. I totally understand that we all have unique qualities that we seek in a person. Anyone that joins a dating site needs to understand this from the start. You should not be there if you cant handle rejection.
purgatori Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 As someone who under some definitions could be considered a 'guy' on OKCupid whose messages are often ignored/not responded to, I can tell you that it is much kinder to silently ignore that first message, rather than get the sender's hopes up -- so to speak. I'm not very good at following the above advice myself, mind, and I almost always respond to anyone who messages me, unless they seem really horrible, because I just feel too guilty otherwise (maybe because I know how it feels), and even then, the women who message me first often don't respond to my reply. When I initiate the contact, I must say that I do usually get at least one message back, but it's that second message that is usually ignored... and that's much harder to deal with... at least for a lonely loser like myself, because I start to think that 'aha! maybe I'm making a connection here!', only to find out that that is not the case... which inevitably leads to all sorts of questioning about what I might have said that was off-putting, or what might be wrong with me/my profile. If a woman just ignores the first message... well, it's not pleasant, but not nearly as hurtful, for whatever reason(s).
Raderick Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'd be totally honest in saying I would rather receive a message saying "no thanks". That's just me though.
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