bolase Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Am I acting like a bad girlfriend or is this justified? I have a dilemma. I met a guy at the bar where I work last week, who I found very attractive, and he thought the same about me as my coworker told each of us - but I never planned to do anything about it, as I've been with someone for 3 months and it was recently made official - I really like my boyfriend. In the last couple of weeks though, things have gone downhill with bf - he's extremely devoted when we're together, always offering to do things for me and though he's very quiet he is VERY attentive, however: he is also very distant, we hardly ever actually meet up to do stuff, I always make the effort to drive to his. He has been making comments about other girls who add him on facebook, and when I go out, he asks me whether I will think of him. Just little insecurites that do irritate me but I have gotten used to them. He honestly feels like home to me, I really like him, but our communication kind of sucks, despite effort on my part, I think he just gets into mind blocks where he expects things to happen without any effort! I am a fairly confident girl who has never experienced this level of insecurity to make such comment in a guy..I want to give him loads of attention but it's as though he thinks I am perfect, and don't need it in return. So last time I was working at the bar, last weekend, my boyfriend was meant to meet me after work and was going to take me out for dessert, his suggestion. I waited there 3 hours after finishing and he didn't message me until 1am to ask how I was. that was all. I told him where I was and got NOTHING back; was pissed off, but at the same time as fate would have it... i'd been talking to the cute guy, who had bought me a drink, and met his friends, who are friends of my coworker. Cute guy and I flirted a lot, and had been talking for hours when my bar closed, so he asked if I wanted to go anywhere else for a drink, which I accepted feeling frustrated at bf and wanting some company. We just talked for another hour, but I felt extremely attracted to this guy..butterflies...yes tipsy ones but it was FUN. It felt like a first date. When I said I was going home, this guy asked me out to dinner this week, and I told him I was seeing someone but had to work it out. He texted later asking if I had gotten home okay - (nothing from my boyfriend still). Worse...I felt excited this next morning. I know my boyfriend would be hurt if I told him this, but what does he expect, to be with me without really bothering to do anything? What to do?
Serenitynow Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Am I acting like a bad girlfriend or is this justified? I have a dilemma. I met a guy at the bar where I work last week, who I found very attractive, Thats why I never date female bartenders .
Enchanted Girl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Don't be with two guys at once. It's not okay to cheat. Make a decision and stick to it. Only focus on one guy at a time. If a guy left you for 3 hours waiting for him and didn't even try to apologize about it, he doesn't care about you at all. You should be breaking up with that guy. You mean nothing to him from what I've read. It will be fine to pursue the other guy after that. But let me put it this way . . . . Let's say your boyfriend is an ass and deserves you to cheat on him and you're a good girl and deserve to be happy. Even if all this were true and justified the whole thing (which I don't think it does), it wouldn't be fair to the other guy you're dating. He didn't do anything except like you and you're bringing him into all this drama.
Author bolase Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Thats why I never date female bartenders . It's my first bar job, I'm only there once a week, and granted I get a lot of attention but deal with it in my way. I don't flirt at work, besides politeness with an extra smile - this guy is the first I've met at work who Ive had a drink with, alone.
that girl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 It doesn't sound like you are happy with your boyfriend even without the other guy. Either address the problem with him or dump him.
alexlakeman Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Cheat on the bf until you find the right guy, that way you won't stay alone...
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 It's my first bar job, I'm only there once a week, and granted I get a lot of attention but deal with it in my way. I don't flirt at work, besides politeness with an extra smile - this guy is the first I've met at work who Ive had a drink with, alone. Seriously... does it take more than one? Just dump your BF before you start cheating like a skeeze. The guy isn't good for you anyway.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 It sounds like you both have already checked out of the relationship emotionality that said its time to make it official and break up. So you can move on what ever you do don't cheat just because you current bf "feels like home" be better then that..
zengirl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 OP, pick a lane and stick to it. If you do leave your boyfriend, make sure it's not just for this new guy, who honestly you barely know; make sure the relationship had run its course. If not, what the heck are you doing talking to new guys? Thats why I never date female bartenders . Eh, I dated a bartender (a guy, but it's no different). It's not like the profession makes them cheat (flirt, yes; you have to be okay with your SO flirting with others, but in the harmless, "Tip me!" way; servers, hairstylists, and many other customer service professions do that too). He never cheated on me, and I never worried. People cheat because of who they are. Not who they meet, what they do, or their circumstances. People use their circumstances as an excuse. (Now, it so happens that bartending might attract a lot of folks who are cheaters or players. I do know a lot of bartenders back home, from my days of working with the ad agency that handled all the downtown business, and a lot of them are not the most dateable creatures on Earth, I'll give you that.)
Serenitynow Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 People cheat because of who they are. Not who they meet, what they do, or their circumstances. People use their circumstances as an excuse. I dont agree with that totally You can put a person in a cubicle job 8 hours a day surrounded by same the same sex, vs having a social job where alcohol is flowing, and I guarantee that many people that never thought of cheating working in the cubicle will raise their eyebrows at the opportunity around them in a bar environment. Its the same with stealing. More people steal when the environment allows it, rather than the person just stealing no matter where they are. .
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I dont agree with that totally You can put a person in a cubicle job 8 hours a day surrounded by same the same sex, vs having a social job where alcohol is flowing, and I guarantee that many people that never thought of cheating working in the cubicle will raise their eyebrows at the opportunity around them in a bar environment. Its the same with stealing. More people steal when the environment allows it, rather than the person just stealing no matter where they are. . No Zen is right. Opportunistic cheaters will always find the opportunity.
dispatch3d Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 You just met this "new guy" fact is you are looking for other prospects because you don't actually like your boyfriend. Welcome to the world of 50% of the relationships I see (where a girl is clearly dating someone she isn't that into). Having relationship issues does not mean you should start seeing multiple people. It sounds like you rushed into an official relationship before being ready for it. Now you have doubts. Figure out if you like your boyfriend (actually for real). If yes, then solve the relationship issues. The other guys part is so not an issue it's ridiculous. If you breakup with your boyfriend there will be MULTIPLE guys you can chose from. You don't have to jump directly from this boyfriend to some guy you happened to meet at work. There are more than 2 guys in the entire world. Don't date guys you don't like. It isn't fair to them. Have fwb or something.
Hop_prophet Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Yes, I think you are being a bad girlfriend and you are trying to justify your actions. If my gf was doing stuff like that and hiding it from me I would be gone in a hearbeat. Ask yourself, if you hadn't met this new guy, would you really be having these feelings about your current boyfriend? How can you commit to being exclusive after three months and then fall off the wagon so quickly? Why did you agree to be exclusive if your boyfriend was so terrible? I agree with the others. The flaw is with you not him.
Diezel Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Let me translate this post for everyone: Hi, I have a boyfriend for the last 3 months. He's amazing when we're together, but since he doesn't contact me whenever I want... well... I kinda met this other guy who flirts with me while I'm at work... which happens to be a bar. Oh yeah, the fact that I work at a bar is probably a big red flag already, but, whatever. Now, can I justify talking to this new guy since my old relationship of 3 months isn't going the way I want it to? I mean, I really WORK at the relationship which is why I'm already thinking about this new guy. So, do you guys think it's okay for me to cheat on my boyfriend with this new guy since my current relationship is "crappy"? I mean, this new guy gives me butterflies and looks like a great lay, but, I'd really like to stay with my boyfriend at the same time, who seems to be safe, secure and a provider. Is it okay for me to cheat because my current relationship sucks so much? I think it is. BTW, I work at a bar, am female... love the attention I'm getting. I think I'll do it some more. To the OP: You don't kid me. I've worked at bars for YEARS, I know how this begins, and YOU ARE THERE. You say your communication sucks because of HIM but when he texted you to see how you were, did you not think to say: Hey, weren't you coming over? Of course not... and why NOT? Because cute guy was there. How convinient.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Everyone else has pretty much nailed it. He doesn't care for you a lot if he left you waiting for three hours, sorry, but that's the top and bottom of it. I would be gone after that, regardless to how long I'd been with the guy. I seriously would view that as a major sign that he doesn't give a damn. You think he's just distant? I think he's totally checked out of this relationship, and leaving you to do the catch up. He probably sent you the 'hows you' text merely out of a guilt complex, etc. By the way, never wait 3 hours for a guy, it looks stupid, makes you feel stupid, and let's be honest, most people contact people when they are late, and are only around half an hour late if they expect the person to still be there, if they haven't aforementioned contacted them to explain. Leave, the next time that happens. Save yourself the humiliation of that. Break up with the bf if that is what you want to do (I would) but do it because the relationship is over, not because you want to hop into bed with this new guy, you'll regret it otherwise.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Let me translate this post for everyone: Hi, I have a boyfriend for the last 3 months. He's amazing when we're together, but since he doesn't contact me whenever I want... well... I kinda met this other guy who flirts with me while I'm at work... which happens to be a bar. Oh yeah, the fact that I work at a bar is probably a big red flag already, but, whatever. Now, can I justify talking to this new guy since my old relationship of 3 months isn't going the way I want it to? I mean, I really WORK at the relationship which is why I'm already thinking about this new guy. So, do you guys think it's okay for me to cheat on my boyfriend with this new guy since my current relationship is "crappy"? I mean, this new guy gives me butterflies and looks like a great lay, but, I'd really like to stay with my boyfriend at the same time, who seems to be safe, secure and a provider. Is it okay for me to cheat because my current relationship sucks so much? I think it is. BTW, I work at a bar, am female... love the attention I'm getting. I think I'll do it some more. To the OP: You don't kid me. I've worked at bars for YEARS, I know how this begins, and YOU ARE THERE. You say your communication sucks because of HIM but when he texted you to see how you were, did you not think to say: Hey, weren't you coming over? Of course not... and why NOT? Because cute guy was there. How convinient. Can I first of all, state the obvious to you, just because someone works in a bar does not mean they are going to cheat. It does not mean they are looking to do that, and looking for attention. I've worked in bars, I hated the attention, and was in a relationship for three years. If a man I'm with got a problem with me working in a bar, that's his issue, not mine. If a person has it in them to cheat, they'll cheat regardless of where they work. If a guy stood me up for that length of time, HE would have to broach that subject and apologize to me. Sorry, but the very fact that he did not do this, means he doesn't give a crap. Is she expected to be so understanding here that he left her waiting for that length of time, and just say 'oh I thought you were coming over' like a good girl. Then he'll make some p*sspoor excuse up, and she'll lap it up because it's what he wants her to believe and deep in her heart, she wants to believe it too. Or, does she allow him the time to own up and admit he flaked and did something wrong, act like he gives a damn and broaches the topic himself? Does she have to force an apology out of him? In your eyes? Beg for an explanation when he should be offering up one freely? If he wants to be in the R, he better put forth the effort.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Your boyfriend stood you up and offered no explanation. Combined with his other shortcomings, I'd say it's time to move on, regardless of the presence or absence of new cute guy.
dispatch3d Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 gotta agree with deizel. The chick does sound a LOT like an attention whore and the girls I know who act like that arre defiiinnitellllyyy attention whores. Whether the relationship is good or bad or not, the fact she is WAY more focused on some random dude who occasionally flirts with her in the bar speaks volumes to the amount of effort she's putting into this relationship. And if you have an issue in a relationship you should be the one to bring it up. Assuming your SO can read minds is unreasonable - not to say taking 3 hours to get there is reasonable.
zengirl Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I dont agree with that totally You can put a person in a cubicle job 8 hours a day surrounded by same the same sex, vs having a social job where alcohol is flowing, and I guarantee that many people that never thought of cheating working in the cubicle will raise their eyebrows at the opportunity around them in a bar environment. Its the same with stealing. More people steal when the environment allows it, rather than the person just stealing no matter where they are. . I'm not saying there's no one who would cheat, but doesn't due to lack of opportunity. I'm saying that opportunity to cheat doesn't make one cheat and the only people who focus on opportunity are insecure people. Someone who didn't cheat on me due to "lack of opportunity" isn't interesting to me. Same thing with stealing. I've been in positions where I could steal hundreds of dollars without getting caught. I didn't do it. I've been in the position where there were plenty of attractive males to cheat with. I didn't do it. I didn't even have any cognitive dissonance about whether I "would" do it. A person's character is what it is. Some situations may challenge it, but they're quite extreme----not like working at a bar a few nights a week. I mean, the horrors of war or concentration camps or something might challenge a person's essential character, but picking up a shift at Club Hot Stuff shouldn't really.
Author bolase Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) gotta agree with deizel. The chick does sound a LOT like an attention whore and the girls I know who act like that arre defiiinnitellllyyy attention whores. Whether the relationship is good or bad or not, the fact she is WAY more focused on some random dude who occasionally flirts with her in the bar speaks volumes to the amount of effort she's putting into this relationship. And if you have an issue in a relationship you should be the one to bring it up. Assuming your SO can read minds is unreasonable - not to say taking 3 hours to get there is reasonable. Thanks for all the replies. I have to say this one is really disprespectful, though. I'm really shy, not at all an attention whore in the way I dress or talk to people! I like talking to people, it's the best part the job, I've learned how to make small talk and learned that I can share things with my customers as well as listen to them. I really enjoy work, that's not a bad thing. And yeah go ahead, stereotype bartenders.. My (now ex) boyfriend, I had to end it with a couple of days ago. I told him it were better if we were just friends, as he couldn't see himself giving me more time. He's just a slightly selfish guy, and I think was stringing me along for the physical side and company but didn't want a super serious relationship like he thought I did (I just wanted equality actually). He thn said: "well I think we both know we aren't the love of each others' lives". It cut me..he just doesn't care, and I know I'm better than that kind of relationship. I had talked to him about it, about being more affectionate and staying in contact, and he said things were fine to him just the way they were. I did try before I ended it - but his feelings/actions aren't under my control, only my own. And I didn't cheat, and I posted here NOT to ask whether it was okay to cheat. why so many of you concluded that, I don't know. I was asking for judgement on what I already did- given that my boyfriend was neglecting most all of my basic, fairly asked for needs.. Edited July 31, 2010 by bolase
sagetalk Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Break up with the bf if that is what you want to do (I would) but do it because the relationship is over, not because you want to hop into bed with this new guy, you'll regret it otherwise. This. Cheating on your BF is lame, either stay with him or break up with him. Don't be one of those girls who keeps dating a guy while she's looking for another one. I have a name for those girls, but I won't say it here .
Author bolase Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 firstly I have broken up with him, because I think he had decided he would stay in it for the company and sex but wasnt making much effort or being very loving. Secondly, during the talk, he (bitterly) asked me to use him until I found someone better. I told him to respect himself more and left.
MisUnderstanding Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 firstly I have broken up with him, because I think he had decided he would stay in it for the company and sex but wasnt making much effort or being very loving. Secondly, during the talk, he (bitterly) asked me to use him until I found someone better. I told him to respect himself more and left. Kinda sounds like he had hoped that while you're "using" him, you'd still be somewhat together in his mind. Maybe he cares about you more than you know and just won't admit it. You guys are so quick to call that man unworthy and uncaring, and yet he isn't the one flirting at the bar with others and getting all jittery from some other girl. What was his explanation for having you wait for 3 hours?
Author bolase Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Thank you. There was no explanation, we didnt see each other until the Sunday with friends, and then afterwards there was no mention, he just avoided it, and I couldn't be bothered with an argument. I'm half way between thinking he did really care and like being with me, but was just quite insecure (he is in some other ways such as body image and socially) about the relationship. But until he became really distant I wouldn't think of being with anyone else, I wasn't frustrated like this. Maybe he became distant as he seemed to expect me to leave him, and was trying to protect himself. Of course I'd rather think that, than that he was using me!! Either that or he is really emotionally retarded. I mean he broke up with his ex of 1 year because he got "sexually bored", yet was always conservative with me? He is not unworthy..just uncaring..doesn't know how to express any affection, is always SUPER awkward about it. But it was getting better; only hte other day, he kissed me goodbye and later told me how he was so happy cause he didn't even think about that, "I kissed you goodbye just cause it felt perfect even uni in front of everyone"..as I said, he's not used to being affectionate. I have since seen the guy from the bar again (at the bar) and for anyone who likes to analyse these things, I wasn't as attracted to him, and just enjoyed his company. It was like..he was just another guy? That I might get to know better as a friend. I feel so much better not being with my ex, but I do wonder and wonder if he just balled up and I told him I want to be with him and he should stop trying to prove something, we would be happier... relationships
dispatch3d Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Either that or he is really emotionally retarded. I mean he broke up with his ex of 1 year because he got "sexually bored", yet was always conservative with me? [/Quote] These two things make a ton of sense, and one really leads directly to the other (and could even be inferred). "Sexually bored" roughly translates to "Sex wasn't great, frequent enough, etc.". It takes two to tango here, so him being/seeming conservative about the whole thing makes sense. Ie. the sexually bored isn't all his x-girlfriends fault! I have since seen the guy from the bar again (at the bar) and for anyone who likes to analyse these things, I wasn't as attracted to him, and just enjoyed his company. It was like..he was just another guy? That I might get to know better as a friend. I feel so much better not being with my ex, but I do wonder and wonder if he just balled up and I told him I want to be with him and he should stop trying to prove something, we would be happier... relationships girls with boyfriends who aren't that into them flirt WAY more than single girls. In fact, if I REALLY hit it off with a girl in <2 minutes I KNOW she has a boyfriend. It's like 90%+ chance this is true. I can't even explain the why's. Maybe it's because they see themselves as taken, so all the sudden I'm the first guy they've seen as an option in a long time? Ie. they aren't actively seekng out guys by going out dancing etc. The single ones do go out regularly, get hit on all the time, and are more desensitized? I dunno, just guessing.
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