RedDevil66 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 When you turn 40, you have an auto BS meter. You can smell a rat from a mile away :-)
K'aycie Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 A few basic guidelines: 1.) If he is rude/disrespectful towards other people 2.) If he constantly flirts/make suggestive overtures to almost everyone 3.) If he doesn't follow through on his word 4.) In short if he doesn't listen. Remember: penises don't have ears. 5.) His eyes. Do they wander? If so, he could be looking at other women, or at the least, he seems bored and not into you. 6.) The "all about me" guy. You know the type. He talks and talks about himself. He won't even ask anything about you. Unfortunatley, there is no 100% full-proof method. Wolves come in sheeps clothing too.
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Save for the rude, and to a lesser degree the 'doesn't follow through on his word' (that's situational, depending on the value of the interaction to him) part, most of the successful (in life and with women, evidenced by large families and long marriages) men I know *are* that list. They live life on their terms and it is attractive to women, for whatever reason. That doesn't mean women *like* it. I see examples within my business and social circle each and every day. An unambitious man who defines the list will be unliked and unattractive because he lacks a potent aphrodisiac for women, ambition. We see examples of that here every day on LS. Look around at the pillars of society and community, then dig a bit under the PR surface to find the 'real' man. It's an interesting journey. BTW, I agree with the list. Great indicators. If only women would pay attention to them
Feelin Frisky Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Truth is, it's really hard to tell "right off the bat" if a guy is going to be worth your time and energy. That comes with time. If their actions and words consistently match up in a way that is pleasing to you, then that's a good sign they're worth it. And if you feel that way about nice guys, why don't you try approaching one of them? Just because you're the one to do the initial approaching doesn't mean that you're going to be wearing the pants the entire time, if that's something you're worried about. A lot of guys are just really shy, but if they know a girl's interested in them they'll pursue. As for first impressions, we all want to put the best version of ourselves forward when meeting someone. Shortcomings tend to come out later, unless there are really glaring warning signs that only a total simpleton could ignore. What she said.
K'aycie Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Save for the rude, and to a lesser degree the 'doesn't follow through on his word' (that's situational, depending on the value of the interaction to him) part, most of the successful (in life and with women, evidenced by large families and long marriages) men I know *are* that list. They live life on their terms and it is attractive to women, for whatever reason. That doesn't mean women *like* it. I see examples within my business and social circle each and every day. True. But I was not referring to, for example, a situation where say a woman asks her boyfriend/husband if he wouldn't mind picking up something from the store on his way home, he says "yes", but then forgets too. Things like that aren't major, I'm referring more to big picture instances.
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Yes, agree, and I use larger examples of purposely ignoring a SO because one's mind is on 'more important things', far beyond picking up something at the store. I've had to do a couple of 'changes' from my natural setpoint on such issues, so appear to notice these things more. One is paying less attention to women's 'needs' and more to my own and, two, getting used to women being angry at me for various 'reasons'. Going through a divorce has done wonders for these processes. One can't really argue too loudly with success and successful men, even if one does walk a slightly different path. What they do works.
K'aycie Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Yes, agree, and I use larger examples of purposely ignoring a SO because one's mind is on 'more important things', far beyond picking up something at the store. I've had to do a couple of 'changes' from my natural setpoint on such issues, so appear to notice these things more. One is paying less attention to women's 'needs' and more to my own and, two, getting used to women being angry at me for various 'reasons'. Going through a divorce has done wonders for these processes. One can't really argue too loudly with success and successful men, even if one does walk a slightly different path. What they do works. Gotcha. It's good that you pay attention to your needs, someone has too, right?
zengirl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) Ah... the trick with attached guys is that they have to split their time. If the guy seems like he cannot provide you much time. Also they limit access points to their life. Example you can't go over to his place... ect. Now... what do you mean by trigger empathy? I typically try to do something similar to that on dates... but what exactly are you referencing? Okay, so I was in sales, and I also have a lot of jerk male friends (Not jerks to their friends but a few of them are downright horrible to the women they date; I know, I know, how can I be friends with them? But some of these guys also work with orphans, help rescue dogs, or do other amazingly lovely things, as well as being fantastic, giving, caring friends. People aren't black and white, check-the-box things). I think my recognition of this process came from those two things. It's kind of a natural process, so manipulating it is imperfect, as is all manipulation. I just try to recognize the process and I've tried to fine-tune myself to be someone who would work with it, naturally, rather than against it. This actually means less manipulation, mystery, etc. Basically: When you give the slightest hint of playing a game at dating -- and people will assume you are playing games no matter what you do -- you are feeding into somebody's wish to objectify you (I don't mean just sexually---just simply make you an object, than a complex person). When you be real (and not in that fake, angry, defensive, over-sharing, needy "I'm just being real" way that too many people try to be real; I call that the "being real" game) and present yourself as a full human being, with passions, feelings, and the same basic humanity that the person across from you has, it's much harder for them to play games, do anything dishonest, or even waste your time. Of course, this involves being real with yourself first, which most people aren't and which is a struggle day-to-day. But I feel like I can honestly say that developing myself, spiritually (by which I mean nothing to do with religion) and emotionally, has led to a dramatic change in jerks' behavior. I'm not saying they become wonderful, dateable people, but they'll confess their jerkiness to me and sometimes become peripheral friends or just go away without any fuss/muss. Of course, this also means you have to not have that thing in you that wants to change/capture jerks. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain in text. ETA: Also, the whole "give a dog a good/bad name" thing works in here. That's a well-known people-strategy that when done with sincerity (and not as a game to mask your own unhealthiness) is really effective. If you assume and even say to people that their intentions are bad, they're going to act their worst; if you assume and even say to people that their intentions are good, they're more likely to rise and give way to their "better angels." Edited July 27, 2010 by zengirl
kdark Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 When you be real (and not in that fake, angry, defensive, over-sharing, needy "I'm just being real" way that too many people try to be real; I call that the "being real" game) and present yourself as a full human being, with passions, feelings, and the same basic humanity that the person across from you has, it's much harder for them to play games, do anything dishonest, or even waste your time. Of course, this involves being real with yourself first, which most people aren't and which is a struggle day-to-day. But I feel like I can honestly say that developing myself, spiritually (by which I mean nothing to do with religion) and emotionally, has led to a dramatic change in jerks' behavior. I'm not saying they become wonderful, dateable people, but they'll confess their jerkiness to me and sometimes become peripheral friends or just go away without any fuss/muss. Of course, this also means you have to not have that thing in you that wants to change/capture jerks. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain in text. I know what you are talking about. I was about to try to explain it too, but you're right, it's kind of hard... For me, it's kind of like if you are real with people and are honest with them in a fair and nice way, you become a kind of "safety zone" where they don't have to play games with you, and in turn they will be real with you back.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Thanks again for the tips guys, it's been very interesting reading. A lot of my frustration with dating also comes from the area I live in, but I don't plan on still being here in a year's time so all is good!!
You'reasian Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) A few basic guidelines: 1.) If he is rude/disrespectful towards other people 2.) If he constantly flirts/make suggestive overtures to almost everyone 3.) If he doesn't follow through on his word 4.) In short if he doesn't listen. Remember: penises don't have ears. 5.) His eyes. Do they wander? If so, he could be looking at other women, or at the least, he seems bored and not into you. 6.) The "all about me" guy. You know the type. He talks and talks about himself. He won't even ask anything about you. Unfortunatley, there is no 100% full-proof method. Wolves come in sheeps clothing too. 1. This is spot on. 2. If you don't show interest in a man, he has every right to show interest in another woman. 3. What if he does follow through on his word, but you are constantly fault finding? 4. Could be a memory thing. 5. Eye contact is a cultural, sometimes personality driven. Eye wandering is psychological...not necessarily boredom. 6. Good. Lastly, if you wish not to deal with evil men, then don't be evil towards them golden rule works wonders. Best of luck! Edited July 28, 2010 by You'reasian
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