SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 After some of my previous posts, and putting back together the pieces from the aftermath from my recent breakups, as well as reading over some of the other posts, I've come to a 2 conclusions. First, that nice guys are less likely to be forward making me less likely to end up getting together with them, and second, that I really have no idea how to tell when a guy blows me away with a great first impression if he's always like that or if he's just putting on an act. Any help on how I can tell right off the bat if a man is going to be worth my time and energy would be so appreciated. Thanks so much.
tigressA Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Truth is, it's really hard to tell "right off the bat" if a guy is going to be worth your time and energy. That comes with time. If their actions and words consistently match up in a way that is pleasing to you, then that's a good sign they're worth it. And if you feel that way about nice guys, why don't you try approaching one of them? Just because you're the one to do the initial approaching doesn't mean that you're going to be wearing the pants the entire time, if that's something you're worried about. A lot of guys are just really shy, but if they know a girl's interested in them they'll pursue. As for first impressions, we all want to put the best version of ourselves forward when meeting someone. Shortcomings tend to come out later, unless there are really glaring warning signs that only a total simpleton could ignore.
TaurusTerp Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 After some of my previous posts, and putting back together the pieces from the aftermath from my recent breakups, as well as reading over some of the other posts, I've come to a 2 conclusions. First, that nice guys are less likely to be forward making me less likely to end up getting together with them, and second, that I really have no idea how to tell when a guy blows me away with a great first impression if he's always like that or if he's just putting on an act. Any help on how I can tell right off the bat if a man is going to be worth my time and energy would be so appreciated. Thanks so much. No. It is impossible to tell. You have to get to know them. If you look for some random action, all that will happen is that you will exclude the nice guys that don't filter well and the more skilled *******s will get through.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 No. It is impossible to tell. You have to get to know them. If you look for some random action, all that will happen is that you will exclude the nice guys that don't filter well and the more skilled *******s will get through. Pretty much. Having strong attention to detail helps you weed through faster, but nothing is instant. Also, too many people project their own ideas -- good or bad -- onto people when they're first dating. Try not to have any expectations, really, beyond what you see in the person/connection at present, because with expectations come projections. Always. It also helps, at least with the regular-grade jerks, who really aren't jerks just the average people around you in their own pain and ego and not really focused on the impacts of their actions, to be a person who seems genuinely unworthy of being hurt. If they can demote you to the level where you're just another shallow/manipulative/fake/whatever-their-own-random-anger-at-the-world-is girl, then they're going to screw you over. If they can forget or even not realize how their actions will impact you, they're more likely to screw you over. Few jerks ever think they're being a jerk. Even that married guy with 3 kids and a ring he takes off thinks he has great reasons for picking up the hot blond at the bar, and he certainly doesn't see her as a person. So, you have to be seen as a person. This doesn't work with everyone, but I think it does help. (It's the same with women. A woman is much less likely to screw over a guy she sees as an individual person.) And you can't rely on this on its own.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I agree with the above posts. Also, don't reject men because they are somewhat socially awkward. I mean, it's one thing for a guy to act like a pig right off the bat, but it's a different thing entirely for a guy to stutter through first talking to you or say something silly the first time that sounds nerdy. Some girls reject really great guys because their first impressions of them weren't cool enough.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 So, you have to be seen as a person. This doesn't work with everyone, but I think it does help. (It's the same with women. A woman is much less likely to screw over a guy she sees as an individual person.) And you can't rely on this on its own. Now how on earth do you go about telling if this guy/girl sees you as a person? I'm good at reading people for the most part... and even I can't tell on the first date if she actually sees me, or I'm just a walking wallet.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Now how on earth do you go about telling if this guy/girl sees you as a person? I'm good at reading people for the most part... and even I can't tell on the first date if she actually sees me, or I'm just a walking wallet. Oh, no, no, I didn't mean you can tell at first! Who can? But that was more for persistent fellows who will actually begin to develop a scheme at a girl (usually attached fellows pretending not to be attached) or some such. If the girl sees you as a person on that first date (if you can trigger empathy), she'll be much less likely to use you as a walking wallet repeatedly and string you along. This will generally mean she'll drop you. But it'll be good in the end. I've seen this happen with other folks (You never know when it happens to you, unless the person expresses it to you, which I have experienced before but not often) and I think it's an interesting phenomenon.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Oh, no, no, I didn't mean you can tell at first! Who can? But that was more for persistent fellows who will actually begin to develop a scheme at a girl (usually attached fellows pretending not to be attached) or some such. If the girl sees you as a person on that first date (if you can trigger empathy), she'll be much less likely to use you as a walking wallet repeatedly and string you along. This will generally mean she'll drop you. But it'll be good in the end. I've seen this happen with other folks (You never know when it happens to you, unless the person expresses it to you, which I have experienced before but not often) and I think it's an interesting phenomenon. Ah... the trick with attached guys is that they have to split their time. If the guy seems like he cannot provide you much time. Also they limit access points to their life. Example you can't go over to his place... ect. Now... what do you mean by trigger empathy? I typically try to do something similar to that on dates... but what exactly are you referencing?
EasyHeart Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Tigress summed it up nicely. The basic test is whether his/her words and actions are consistent over a long period of time. And if he/she is not willing to invest time in order to get to know you, then he/she isn't going to be willing to invest the time to make a relationship work. Women, in particular, need to keep their legs together and let men pursue them romantically, not just sexually. There is not such thing as 'reading people', and the people who think they have this skill are the easiest ones to deceive. Anyone can put on an act for a few months.
MrNate Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Truth is, it's really hard to tell "right off the bat" if a guy is going to be worth your time and energy. That comes with time. If their actions and words consistently match up in a way that is pleasing to you, then that's a good sign they're worth it. And if you feel that way about nice guys, why don't you try approaching one of them? Just because you're the one to do the initial approaching doesn't mean that you're going to be wearing the pants the entire time, if that's something you're worried about. A lot of guys are just really shy, but if they know a girl's interested in them they'll pursue. As for first impressions, we all want to put the best version of ourselves forward when meeting someone. Shortcomings tend to come out later, unless there are really glaring warning signs that only a total simpleton could ignore. Tigress hit the nail on the head. Don't be afraid to break away from social norms if you have to.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I don't automatically reject men who don't seem "cool", but looking back on some who I have passed up for someone I ended up becoming involved with, the fact that they didn't want to move so fast or come on so strong probably means they would have ended up being better for me. There's also the fact that everyone who I have attracted, in hindsight, has been an ass. Or maybe I have to convince myself that they're an ass when we break up, and when I have feelings they are EXTREMELY strong feelings, so maybe this is the only way to get past this. In any case, it feels like all I'm capable of attracting is jerks. I've never even heard the words "I love you" come out of a guy's mouth yet. And I am 28, so it's been a very string of men like this. And there's also the part too, concerning strong feelings, that they're significantly stronger once I've been physical with them. I would really like the next man who I have sex with to be the one I'm with untill one of us is dead, that said I have way too high of a sex drive to wait untill marriage, but I still like to be reasonably certain. Maybe it's be compensating for me being yet another notch in the bedpost way too many times when I was younger. I'm very curious now about what you mean about "triggering empathy" as well.
Chicago_Guy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Ah... the trick with attached guys is that they have to split their time. If the guy seems like he cannot provide you much time. Also they limit access points to their life. Example you can't go over to his place... ect. Now... what do you mean by trigger empathy? I typically try to do something similar to that on dates... but what exactly are you referencing? The ironic thing is that a lot of women actually prefer it when men cannot provide much time at least at the beginning. As a guy, I have never understood this mentality, but a lot of women think that a guy is more desirable if isn't very available. I suspect that men including myself, on the other hand, greatly prefer women who are available as opposed to women who always have something planned.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 The ironic thing is that a lot of women actually prefer it when men cannot provide much time at least at the beginning. As a guy, I have never understood this mentality, but a lot of women think that a guy is more desirable if isn't very available. I can say the exact same thing about men, and it's frustrating! One thing that has been on my list of requirements for a SO for ages is calling me every day unless we're seeing each other that day, but it's a mission finding someone who's fine with this.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Gamma - I base it on who I feel a connection with.
Odyssey Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 OP, you're certainly on a faster clock compared to me! It normally takes me several dates before i really BEGIN to know someone. That's what dating is about...getting to know someone. I don't get it, why rush?
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Unfortunately, it does seem that the guys who are jerks are more likely to ask me out in the first place, making them more likely to end up on dates with me. And it's easy enough to pretend to be nicer than you are for a few dates. Of course, I have a sex drive like anyone else, and it does seem like it's asking a lot of a men to wait to have sex with me untill i feel like I really know him! But then that's the only way I can without looking back on sex in hindsight with disgust.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 I meant to add too that a physical attraction will draw me in, an emotional connection will keep me interested past a few dates. Gorilla - Haha!
Chicago_Guy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I can say the exact same thing about men, and it's frustrating! One thing that has been on my list of requirements for a SO for ages is calling me every day unless we're seeing each other that day, but it's a mission finding someone who's fine with this. You may think that what you wrote is true. However, I suspect that you would only like it if the guy started calling you a lot after you started calling him a lot.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 You may think that what you wrote is true. However, I suspect that you would only like it if the guy started calling you a lot after you started calling him a lot. Or when there's obviously mutual interest in any case. One thing I have noticed in a lot of my relationships is it's like we have to text each other first to ask if it's ok to call. If you want to call me, call me, and if I can't or don't want to talk, my voicemail will pick up. It really is that simple!
Chicago_Guy Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Or when there's obviously mutual interest in any case. One thing I have noticed in a lot of my relationships is it's like we have to text each other first to ask if it's ok to call. If you want to call me, call me, and if I can't or don't want to talk, my voicemail will pick up. It really is that simple! One thing that I think is really annoying is when a girl doesn't pick up the phone when I call or waits a couple days to call back. Some women do this even if they are interested and aren't dating anyone else. I don't call that often, but I was dating a girl who kept doing this so I just stopped calling her. She then would email me and it eventually ended because she did some other really annoying things.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 The ironic thing is that a lot of women actually prefer it when men cannot provide much time at least at the beginning. As a guy, I have never understood this mentality, but a lot of women think that a guy is more desirable if isn't very available. I suspect that men including myself, on the other hand, greatly prefer women who are available as opposed to women who always have something planned. That's true... and I've had more than one woman want to go home with me on the first date. My philosophy is that if that's who they are... I'm not interested. Overall I'm frightened by the lack of quality women out there, but I hold faith that I will find a good one. I can say the exact same thing about men, and it's frustrating! One thing that has been on my list of requirements for a SO for ages is calling me every day unless we're seeing each other that day, but it's a mission finding someone who's fine with this. I'm a guy and I am completely Ok with this. In fact my last GF was adamant about it. Didn't stop her from cheating... but at least she got the chance to lie to me for an hour a day.
Author SassyKitten Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 One thing that I think is really annoying is when a girl doesn't pick up the phone when I call or waits a couple days to call back. Some women do this even if they are interested and aren't dating anyone else. Yeah, that would be the "Treat Em Mean Keep Em Keen" game, based on the idea that guys like the thrill of the chase. Which is something I have never believed in playing, as it builds a relationship based on dishonesty, but then again most guys seem to be so not used to my approach that it throws them off-guard and they don't know what to do with it.
TheWatcher Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Also, don't reject men because they are somewhat socially awkward. I mean, it's one thing for a guy to act like a pig right off the bat, but it's a different thing entirely for a guy to stutter through first talking to you or say something silly the first time that sounds nerdy. Some girls reject really great guys because their first impressions of them weren't cool enough. A lot of men believe that when trying to make a first impression that a guy has to flawless...absolutely perfection...down to the smallest detail;some guys fear that they will be automatically rejected if they're not funny,charming,etc right off the bat.They're so scared of having even one comma out of place...that they freeze up.That's one of the reasons some guys never approach women.. no matter how interested they may be.
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Any help on how I can tell right off the bat if a man is going to be worth my time and energy would be so appreciated. Thanks so much. Balance is key. A healthy man won't 'blow you away' and he won't underwhelm you ('crickets').... Then, beyond 'right off the bat', there's perceiving that balance over time. I meet (have met) very few women who assess a man over time. Looking forward to that in my twilight years
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