Peace&Love Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I met a great guy while I was on vacation last month. He approached me first and we hung out practically every other day for 3 weeks. (We hooked up a few times.) I've always been told that the guy should be the one to ask the girl out and make the plans, but I broke that rule for him--sometimes he asked me out first and there were some days when I did the asking. Before I left, we exchanged numbers and email addresses. A month has passed now and I haven't heard from him. I wanted him to call/email me first because I didn't want to look desperate (it also goes back to how I've always been told that girls should not chase guys.) By him not contacting me, it confirms that what we shared was just a fling, right? Would it look sad and desperate on my part if I send him an email? On our last night together, he DID ask me to email him some pictures we took together but I was hoping he would contact me first. If I do email him, a part of me is afraid he won't reply which will just lead to more disappointment for me... What should I do??
Cracker Jack Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 So, calling him equals chasing, along with desperate and pathetic, how? That's just silly thinking. Forget those silly rules. If you like him, call/email him. If not, then don't. It's really that simple.
sugarmomma Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Let it go. You had a ons that lasted 3 weeks and now its over. I wouldn't call or email him. See it for what it really was. If he thought it was more, he would have contacted you by now. Never try to turn a ons into a friendship/relationship. Follow his lead. If he's not calling its because he's over it.
denise_xo Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 No, it's definitely not pathetic or desperate. Just email him, nothing to lose IMO.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Before I left, we exchanged numbers and email addresses. A month has passed now and I haven't heard from him. I wanted him to call/email me first because I didn't want to look desperate (it also goes back to how I've always been told that girls should not chase guys.) By him not contacting me, it confirms that what we shared was just a fling, right? Would it look sad and desperate on my part if I send him an email? On our last night together, he DID ask me to email him some pictures we took together but I was hoping he would contact me first. If I do email him, a part of me is afraid he won't reply which will just lead to more disappointment for me... What should I do?? Most guys will give up on you if they don't see some effort... but it's true that we like to do the chasing.
jamesum Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Its been a month? It would have made sense if you contacted him first under the pretext of giving him the pictures. But now its kinda weird since a month has passed by. It seems very hard for many women to understand that when you wait you lose. If I were you, I would try to make contact now. But I wont have much expectation.
crimsonmike Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 He was probably waiting on you to email the pics, and, when you didn't, he moved on. If you're gonna contact him now, you need to do it asap. You might as well. What's the harm in it? Just don't get your expectations way up.
Serenitynow Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 (We hooked up a few times.) Does that mean you had sex ? I've always been told that the guy should be the one to ask the girl out and make the plans, but I broke that rule for him--sometimes he asked me out first and there were some days when I did the asking. So why is it so hard to initiate now ? (it also goes back to how I've always been told that girls should not chase guys.) Hows that advice working for you? If you would have just contacted him you would have known where you stand by now. By him not contacting me, it confirms that what we shared was just a fling, right? You want more than a fling right ? Have you contacted him ? NO you havent. So why do you assume that he sees it as a fling since he has done the same exact thing as you so far. Do you see how biased your point of view is once it is all picked apart and analyzed ? You have been brought up with that assume first, never ask questions female mind set. You took that great advice to sit there and do nothing. Are you gonna do the same thing next time too ? .
tigressA Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Just contact him. Like Serenitynow said, at least you'll know for sure where you stand.
D-Lish Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 By him not contacting me, it confirms that what we shared was just a fling, right? Technically, yes. Not because you didn't mean anything to one another, but because it's unrealistic to think that anything serious could come out of it. It's possible he doesn't want to put himself out there because it's just not realistic to believe anything could come of it. I'm sure he'd respond if you sent pics.
OrdealByFire Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 As a self-admitted jealous, desperate, and needy guy (Who WANTS to change.) I'd appreciate you doing that. Some - probably most - guys would probably freak out and think you're pathetic, but I know I wouldn't.
Author Peace&Love Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Sugarmomma: That's usually the attitude I have about guys I don't hear from again--I move on easily and forget about them. I'm not sure why I'm still hung up on this one even though a month has passed...
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 After this long, you're going to look a little strange. The answer to your initial question is, "No." If a guy is into you, and he's a healthy, stable guy, he'll be happy to hear from you. If he's not-so-into you, he won't be. And if he's one of those guys who likes the chase more than the girl, it potentially puts him off (but I've no interest in those folks personally; not my cuppa). However: If you haven't had any contact in a month, and all the sudden you call up a vacation fling, they're might think you're weird. And be totally justified in doing so.
Author Peace&Love Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks for the well thoughout answers! Here's my followup and answers to your questions... Does that mean you had sex ? . Yes--a few times. Hows that advice working for you? If you would have just contacted him you would have known where you stand by now. You want more than a fling right ? Have you contacted him ? NO you havent. So why do you assume that he sees it as a fling since he has done the same exact thing as you so far. Do you see how biased your point of view is once it is all picked apart and analyzed ? You have been brought up with that assume first, never ask questions female mind set. You took that great advice to sit there and do nothing. Are you gonna do the same thing next time too ? . But why hasn't HE contacted me? Am I reading too much into his silence? Experience (and not just old-fashion advice) has taught me that if a guy doesn't make the effort to contact me, it just shows he's not that interested and I will ultimately get disappointed in the end. On the other hand, one of my friends who met him thinks he's an exception because he's so shy and geeky (not your stereotypical one-night-stand types). I'm not sitting here doing nothing--I'm thinking out loud wondering if this guy is worth it or not.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 He asked you to email him. To me, that means, he at least wanted to stay slightly in touch. The degree to which he wanted to stay in touch is unknown and will likely always remain unknown. I'm thinking if he was into you, he already wrote you off. You're the one who didn't email the pictures. Actually, I was coming into edit my other post: I say send him the pictures with a note of, "Sorry these took so long. What are you up to?" If he thinks you're weird, you're in no worse position. I wouldn't hang any hopes on it, though. You live far way (right?), you aren't in contact now, you've both lived almost a month without contact, so clearly the connection wasn't THAT vital to either one of you that it's likely to re-ignite via email. But you never know. I just, personally, wouldn't pin any great hopes onto it.
SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Personally, I think the rules suck. A month is a long time to pass, he may have considered it a fling, he may have been too nervous to contact you first. For both genders, I feel it's best to initiate contact shortly after parting ways with a short and sweet "How've you been?" A long email can seem pushy, as for short and sweet though, nothing ventured nothing gained.
Author Peace&Love Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 He asked you to email him. To me, that means, he at least wanted to stay slightly in touch. The degree to which he wanted to stay in touch is unknown and will likely always remain unknown. I'm thinking if he was into you, he already wrote you off. You're the one who didn't email the pictures. My defensive side thinks he wrote me off the moment he asked me to email him instead of saying, "I'll call you" and actually follow it through. Actually, I was coming into edit my other post: I say send him the pictures with a note of, "Sorry these took so long. What are you up to?" If he thinks you're weird, you're in no worse position. I wouldn't hang any hopes on it, though. You live far way (right?), you aren't in contact now, you've both lived almost a month without contact, so clearly the connection wasn't THAT vital to either one of you that it's likely to re-ignite via email. But you never know. I just, personally, wouldn't pin any great hopes onto it. The consensus seems to be to send a casual email. I know I shouldn't pin any expectations to it, but I know my crazy self that will obsessively check my email for a reply until the realization hits a week or two later and I'm crushed all over again.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) My defensive side thinks he wrote me off the moment he asked me to email him instead of saying, "I'll call you" and actually follow it through.Devil's Advocate: You know what, maybe he did, but wouldn't the best defense have still been a solid offense here? Had you emailed the pics, you'd already know, and you'd be way likelier to know for sure (no question of "What the 3 week lag did?" as a variable). You can't change the past, but just saying, something to consider moving forward, when issues of contact come up again. As to the question in general, it's a good one to consider moving forward. I think it boils down to what you want to attract. Depending on what kind of guy you go for, you should suit your contact style appropriately. I like to date guys who are collaborative (I know this about myself because I sat down and looked at it, A LOT) and I attract them better with collaborative communication, which means not making rules like "I must be contacted" but just being freeflow, honest, and willing to communicate. It took some trial and error to find that out. That's not going to attract every kind of guy, though. . . I think. The bottom line is, at the end of the day, we only control what we do. (I'm not saying you should beat yourself up about not sending the pictures. Really. Just trying to make some lemonade and look for lessons.) Edited July 25, 2010 by zengirl
Author Peace&Love Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 To update all you wonderful, helpful people on this situation... I finally got up the nerves to send him the photos last week with a brief note saying I hope he's been doing well since we last saw each other. He sent a reply within 6 hours saying thanks, asking what I've been up to since my vacation, and telling me to say hi to my friends who he met on the trip. I waited a day before replying and I gave him a short update on my life. I ended it with a question about his job, hoping to keep the convo going. Well, it's been over a week now and I haven't gotten a reply. I give up on this guy. If he can't even keep an email conversation going, it would be stupid of me to expect a phone call.
Allisha Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 As a self-admitted jealous, desperate, and needy guy (Who WANTS to change.) I'd appreciate you doing that. Some - probably most - guys would probably freak out and think you're pathetic, but I know I wouldn't. ^^^ Still a cutie, I see. OP, at least now you know. Much better than living in regret and/or asking "what if?" Keep trying though. You'll find someone!
Brady_to_Moss Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 This is whats wrong in todays world. Why cant women ask a guy out or call first? Why is it suppose to be the mans job? Its such BS. Just goes to show women are scared and have no confidence. If women approached men and asked them out first now and then..there would be sooo many more happy relationships..but it seems ladies do not want to try and put in the effort that we ALWAYS have to put in
jamesum Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 This is whats wrong in todays world. Why cant women ask a guy out or call first? Why is it suppose to be the mans job? Its because Men are COOL and Women are NOT! Dont you like to be COOL?
Brady_to_Moss Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Its because Men are COOL and Women are NOT! Dont you like to be COOL? Would rather be luke warm...but thats just me
Author Peace&Love Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Brady to Moss: In this case, I DID try to initiate a conversation over email and the guy is clearly not interested. If he had replied to my email and shown more interest, I would have no problem giving him a call. In fact, I'm glad I used email to gauge his interest before I called him like a fool.
JessicaB Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 If this is how he treats you now, why would you want this to progress any further? Vacation is over, you are far away, he can't get laid so his interest level has dropped. Based on your previous thread, I'd guess the main reason you want this guy's attention is because the other girl wants him too and you lost a friend over it. Guys like this are trouble. He sounds like the type that enjoys playing girls off each other, because we are competitive and he gets double the attention. He might have told you he wasn't interested in her and might have told her he wasn't interested in you, causing the facebook issue. I would ask myself, if this other girl wasn't involved, would I still give two ****s about this jerk?
Recommended Posts