I sent her an email

[Fallen Angel]

I am so confused. people on here always say to tell, now that someone has everyone is going to beat her up for it?

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

[Mimolicious]

I am so confused. people on here always say to tell, now that someone has everyone is going to beat her up for it?

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

 

I concur but I have a strong feeling that this one is going to turn into "you violated his PC privace". There goes the thread! SMH.

[whichwayisup]

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

 

Most would agree with you on this one, definately.

 

But, she didn't discuss it. She chose to take matters into her own hands and in the past bunch of weeks she's been posting all sorts of things about her sMM, she obviously has mistrust towards him. He is going to feel like she went behind his back and he IS going to be angry.

 

Anyway, what's done is done, just hope for her sake he is on the straight and narrow and hasn't been lying to her all along. It IS very possible he is just living a double life.

[Fallen Angel]

Most would agree with you on this one, definately.

 

But, she didn't discuss it. She chose to take matters into her own hands and in the past bunch of weeks she's been posting all sorts of things about her sMM, she obviously has mistrust towards him. He is going to feel like she went behind his back and he IS going to be angry.

 

Anyway, what's done is done, just hope for her sake he is on the straight and narrow and hasn't been lying to her all along. It IS very possible he is just living a double life.

 

How can she not, when this board is always full of people saying "YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THEM!!!"

 

So let me get this right....

 

She listens to everyone who always are on the "TELL AT ALL COSTS!" bandwagon, and she gets abused for that, (by some of the band members I might add).

 

And she listens to the advice spewed constantly about "YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THEM!" and so she doesn't, but now that is bad too?? :confused:

 

Is there ever a situation other than just going "TOTAL NC FOREVER" that any OW can do here to NOT be "doing it wrong"? :confused:

[NoIDidn't]

How can she not, when this board is always full of people saying "YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THEM!!!"

 

So let me get this right....

 

She listens to everyone who always are on the "TELL AT ALL COSTS!" bandwagon, and she gets abused for that, (by some of the band members I might add).

 

And she listens to the advice spewed constantly about "YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THEM!" and so she doesn't, but now that is bad too?? :confused:

 

Is there ever a situation other than just going "TOTAL NC FOREVER" that any OW can do here to NOT be "doing it wrong"? :confused:

 

This thread was pretty tame......

 

Why all the yelling and sarcasm?

 

Most were telling her to talk to him, not sneak into his things and secretly email his W.

 

I think it assumes that the OP has a weak mind to say that she let an internet board influence her decision to not trust her MM. From what she's always posted, I think he did a good job of that from the beginning in lying to her about being married at all. (Sound familiar? Its the MPs actions that cause the distrust, IMO)

 

Mombot has chosen not to be a passive OW and just accept things as they come. She wants more - and while I don't like the snooping, I understand why she did it - and is doing what she needs to do to get it. If he's a good guy, he won't hold it against her and will try to understand the position he put her in to begin with. But, if he's not separated as claimed, just like he first claimed to be divorced, he's going to be pissed.

 

And who does he have to blame for that? Some strangers on the internet or himself?

 

From what I've gathered here, and know to be true even offline - having an opinion repeated to you when you don't want it rarely causes you to change your view. It usually causes you to dig your heels in and fight the view you reject. So I think that if anything, Mombot came here not trusting him. Not the other way around.

 

But that's just me.....*shrug*

[OWoman]

How can she not, when this board is always full of people saying "YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THEM!!!"

 

So let me get this right....

 

She listens to everyone who always are on the "TELL AT ALL COSTS!" bandwagon, and she gets abused for that, (by some of the band members I might add).

 

And she listens to the advice spewed constantly about "YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THEM!" and so she doesn't, but now that is bad too?? :confused:

 

Is there ever a situation other than just going "TOTAL NC FOREVER" that any OW can do here to NOT be "doing it wrong"? :confused:

 

As everyone knows, I am not a fan of telling the BS (except, perhaps, in "special circumstances") but I have to agree with FA here about the double standard.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't... OW really can't ever win around here (unless they're ROW in permanent NC... )

[jwi71]

I don't have a problem with her actions at all.

Her BF lied about his marriage status. He outright lied about it.

Not only that, he acts, imo, very suspicious about when mombot can and cannot call him.

She has EVERY right, given the above, to make contact. Yes, I would prefer she approach him FIRST - but who says she didn't?

 

Personally, this goes nowhere for mombot. He violated the trust on day one. Whether it dies now or down the road is the only question in my mind.

[bentnotbroken]

I am so confused. people on here always say to tell, now that someone has everyone is going to beat her up for it?

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

 

 

I also think she should tell. I think everyone needs to know the truth to make informed decisions in all situations.

[BB07]

My 2 cents.....I think Mombot had every right to do what she did, because her gut has been telling her something is not right. After all......he lied to her about a huge thing, saying he was divorced.

As for how she did it, it probably would have been best to confirm the separation by some other means if possible instead of emailing the wife, but whats done is done. She every right to do this behind his back, after all he lied, so that should relieve her guilt in not trusting him and going behind his back. All bets were off when he told that huge lie.

 

Keep us posted Mombot and I'm proud of you, for not sitting around and driving yourself nuts with your doubts and questions. At least you have a good chance of getting some peace of mind now, one way or the other.

[Fieldsofgold]

I also think she should tell. I think everyone needs to know the truth to make informed decisions in all situations.

 

I totally agree with this, FA, JWI, OW and all others who favor telling.

 

What does concern me is that, as I have read all the various threads that Mombat has started about this relationship . . . She is all over the map with this guy. One minute she adores him, next minute he's gonna just be a side piece, next minute she adores him. Next minute she is looking for a single guy, next minute she is contacting the wife. Just all over the map. A very rapidly fluctuating, vascillating situation. Doing drastic things, when she really has no idea where she wants to go with anything related to this guy. Her feelings and opinions change with the breeze.

 

At least all the other OW on here know what they want, or at least think they do.

 

This lady is Confused, with a capital "C". AND making drastic decisions while in this very confused state.

 

This is why I stopped discussing the R and started posting on every thread that she needs IC.

 

Mombat, I like you, I don't mean this in an unkind way at all, but in your best interests - you need IC.

[jennie-jennie]

I just thought you should know I really like him and am seeing him. My conscious told me to.

 

I presume these are the actual words you wrote? If so, I like the way you phrased it. Good for you you brought the relationship out in the open. Isn't that what we all want really, BS and OW alike? To disrupt the love triangle by bringing forth the truth?

[whichwayisup]

My 2 cents.....I think Mombot had every right to do what she did, because her gut has been telling her something is not right. After all......he lied to her about a huge thing, saying he was divorced

 

It is huge. And she took the chance by continuing with him after that big whopping lie! And she continued to stay with him knowing he was still married, still seeing his family on occasion. She is choosing this and yes, I can understand her frustration and mistrust of him, but she should have told him her plans, discuss it with him that she was going to talk to his wife about what is truly going on since she felt he wasn't being straight with her.

 

Question is, if the wife emails back and says they aren't separated, what then? Does she fight to keep this lying man who's been living a double life or does she walk away?

[jennie-jennie]

Since when did talking to a MM help?

[BB07]

 

Question is, if the wife emails back and says they aren't separated, what then? Does she fight to keep this lying man who's been living a double life or does she walk away?

 

If she is smart, she will walk if he is married. Almost all of us know and have lived it and who have experienced the hurt and pain would say run, don't walk.

[jennie-jennie]

I totally agree with this, FA, JWI, OW and all others who favor telling.

 

What does concern me is that, as I have read all the various threads that Mombat has started about this relationship . . . She is all over the map with this guy. One minute she adores him, next minute he's gonna just be a side piece, next minute she adores him. Next minute she is looking for a single guy, next minute she is contacting the wife. Just all over the map. A very rapidly fluctuating, vascillating situation. Doing drastic things, when she really has no idea where she wants to go with anything related to this guy. Her feelings and opinions change with the breeze.

 

At least all the other OW on here know what they want, or at least think they do.

 

This lady is Confused, with a capital "C". AND making drastic decisions while in this very confused state.

 

This is why I stopped discussing the R and started posting on every thread that she needs IC.

 

Mombat, I like you, I don't mean this in an unkind way at all, but in your best interests - you need IC.

 

I think Mombat's behavior is typical OW behavior, trying to find a solution to a situation which seems unsolvable.

[whichwayisup]

Since when did talking to a MM help?

Well, obviously some OW can talk to their MM's and things go their way. GEL is one of them and now she's married to him.

 

Are you saying that communicating to your MM isn't helpful to you?

 

Anyway, in M's situation, her MM has the wool pulled over her eyes and deep down I think she knows this but is choosing to let her love for him rule over what her gut is telling her.

 

This man is living a double life and has shown his true colours from day one.

[whichwayisup]

If she is smart, she will walk if he is married. Almost all of us know and have lived it and who have experienced the hurt and pain would say run, don't walk.

 

I hope so. But remember, she chose to stay with this man after he lied from her from day one, when he said he was divorced. Everything started out on one big fat lie!

 

I think Mombat's behavior is typical OW behavior, trying to find a solution to a situation which seems unsolvable.

 

Seems like it.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, obviously some OW can talk to their MM's and things go their way. GEL is one of them and now she's married to him.

 

Are you saying that communicating to your MM isn't helpful to you?

 

Anyway, in M's situation, her MM has the wool pulled over her eyes and deep down I think she knows this but is choosing to let her love for him rule over what her gut is telling her.

 

This man is living a double life and has shown his true colours from day one.

 

GEL's MM was ready to leave, that is why he left, no amount of talking makes leaving happen.

 

That doesn't mean that communication is not beneficial for a relationship as a whole, but it doesn't make MM not ready to leave leave.

[jennie-jennie]

If she is smart, she will walk if he is married. Almost all of us know and have lived it and who have experienced the hurt and pain would say run, don't walk.

 

Or she could as many of us enjoy what is in the relationship for her.

[whichwayisup]

GEL's MM was ready to leave, that is why he left, no amount of talking makes leaving happen.

 

That doesn't mean that communication is not beneficial for a relationship as a whole, but it doesn't make MM not ready to leave leave.

 

Very true.

 

Unfortunately M's MM is full of hot air and he has made her empty promises, made plans for the future but has done nothing to make it happen.

 

I honestly believe he is still very married and with his family. One of those work in this City but go home to visit when he can, kind of guys.

[scatterd]

mombot

I think you did the right thing now you wont have to question whats going on.

If he is married why not tell the wife if not oh well.If people were more honest

maybe both females can know where to go in life.I hope you get what you need and if your right and he runs off you know what you need to do.

[whichwayisup]

Or he is separated but has no intention of divorcing any time soon and also has no intention of making any kind of full committment to Mombat.

[OWoman]

GEL's MM was ready to leave, that is why he left, no amount of talking makes leaving happen.

 

That doesn't mean that communication is not beneficial for a relationship as a whole, but it doesn't make MM not ready to leave leave.

 

Talking can help - it can help the WS to understand where the OW is, what she wants, how she feels, how the A is affecting her and what the costs as well as the benefits are to her. This is important information in helping someone reach their own conclusions - rather than second-guessing, they have some measure of assurance about what may or may not be waiting for them on the other, unknowable, side.

 

It can't MAKE someone leave. But it can let them know where you stand. And, knowing their behaviour has consequences is helpful - not in a threatening kind of way ("if you don't dump your BW by next month, I'm history!") which simply prompts a knee-jerk response that the MM may not be able to sustain, but in a more informing way ("your inability to validate our R publicly is eroding my self-esteem, and the costs are too high for me to sustain this indefinitely. At some point I will have had enough, and will have to leave the A if it does not progress beyond being that.") Unless a MM knows that the OW wants more, and that sustaining the A is coming at a cost to her, he may assume things are just fine as they are to her and focus more on resolving some of the other, more pressing in his eyes, conflicting demands of the A (such as providing sex for a BW who hasn't wanted any for ages).

 

I think talking is a necessary but not sufficient condition.

[BB07]

Or she could as many of us enjoy what is in the relationship for her.

 

If she can live with it and not feel like she is settling for less than.....that is her choice. The majority of OW reach a point pretty quickly that they know it's never going to be enough but it usually takes them a long time to do something about it, but they see it pretty quickly.

[BB07]

Very true.

 

Unfortunately M's MM is full of hot air and he has made her empty promises, made plans for the future but has done nothing to make it happen.

 

I honestly believe he is still very married and with his family. One of those work in this City but go home to visit when he can, kind of guys.

 

Naw............that could never happen, :rolleyes: that someone would live a double life.

 

Get my sarcasm?