I sent her an email

[2sunny]

Separated man is not abusive in any way. He is well mannered and of course, charming and generous. As far as loyal, not so sure about that.

 

i wasn't trying to say he is abusive - but now that you mention it...

 

either way - i was trying to point out that you may want to ask yourself what compromises you are making in YOUR life in order to have this MM and the great sex that you so desire.

[Mombot]

It's not really about the sex, although it's never been hohum anytime. It's the friendship that I like.

I have honestly thought of making this an EA only until he decides what he wants to do. It will take incredible will power.

[Fallen Angel]

Color me confused, but I was under the impression that the email sent to the wife simply told of there being another woman, not that he was on his way to see her as has been suggested in a few posts.

 

Am I wrong? Did the email sent tell the sW that her separated husband was on his way right then to be with his new girlfriend?

 

[Fallen Angel]

It's not really about the sex, although it's never been hohum anytime. It's the friendship that I like.

I have honestly thought of making this an EA only until he decides what he wants to do. It will take incredible will power.

 

Yes,it will take amazing will-power. I tried that before with less than satisfactory results. But it was always me who brought back the physical aspects of our relationship. When I said no more physical affection, he always respected that and never pressured me about it. It did nothing to slow down the relationship though, the relationship stayed as strong as ever.

[Mombot]

That may be the best way to go, just slow this down to a crawl and see if the fog clears. Maybe this will bring a little clarity to the situation.

Has anyone changed from PA/EA to EA successfully?

[Fallen Angel]

That may be the best way to go, just slow this down to a crawl and see if the fog clears. Maybe this will bring a little clarity to the situation.

Has anyone changed from PA/EA to EA successfully?

 

It was sucessful for me for a time, in that I was able to prove to myself that our relationship was exactly what I thought it was, one built on love and compatibility not on sex.

 

The relationship continued to flourish without there being any sexual contact. Sexual contact only resumed at my request. But I know that were I to take sex off the table again, the relationship would still continue in all other respects unchanged.

[Mombot]

what length are you willing to compromise yourself for - in order to continue with "great sex."

 

I am single and the only place I feel compromised is with my conscience. He was not honest and told me for 6 years he was divorced. Two years into this he tells the truth, he's separated.

When he told the truth. he teared up, could hardly talk. Why did you tell me that you are not divorced?

Because I wanted you and knew you would not see me if you knew.

And he was right/ and yet I didn't bump it down, tried to, still bothered by the whole thing. Read every post, they all say the BS needs the truth. Well, some of them don't want it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I did not write anything vindictive in my email. .

 

oh bulls##t. its not so much what you wrote, it was the way you wrote it and the intent.

 

if you really were concerned that the wife needs to be informed of an affair it would have been worded something like, "my name is X, i thought that you need to know that your husband is having an affair with me. if you would like to discuss this, I'd be more than happy".

 

But no, you sent her a short email letting her know that he is on his way to your place knowing what will happen when he got there.

 

it was designed to be short and to get her goat. and I'm not the only one that could see that.

[Owl]

what length are you willing to compromise yourself for - in order to continue with "great sex."

 

I am single and the only place I feel compromised is with my conscience. He was not honest and told me for 6 years he was divorced. Two years into this he tells the truth, he's separated.

When he told the truth. he teared up, could hardly talk. Why did you tell me that you are not divorced?

Because I wanted you and knew you would not see me if you knew.

And he was right/ and yet I didn't bump it down, tried to, still bothered by the whole thing. Read every post, they all say the BS needs the truth. Well, some of them don't want it.

 

So again...does this affect your choice to stay in a relationiship with this man, or not?

 

That's all that truly needs to be decided here.

 

Is his dishonesty with you, his deception, and his actions of keeping you "hidden" from his family and everyone else.....does any of that color your perception of the relationship enough that you think you'd be better off ending it?

 

Or are you willing to stay in this relationship DESPITE all of that?

[Mombot]

I'm not going to chase him, I don't know if I want to see him or not.

[Owl]

I'm not going to chase him, I don't know if I want to see him or not.

 

There's the crux of your problem.

 

Decide what it is that you want.

 

There's no advice that anyone here can give to help you if you can't even determine for yourself what you want.

 

This is "problem solving 101".

 

1. Identify your options.

2. Pick your goal.

3. Develop a gameplan to reach your goal.

4. Implement your gameplan until you reach your goal.

 

The problem you've got is that you're stuck somewhere between step 1 and 2.

 

You need to decide if you want to be with him or not, in light of all the deception/drama/etc...

 

Until you make that choice...you're going to stay right where you're at.

[Mombot]

Thanks Owl. You are right, I will make alist of goals and pros and cons.

[2sunny]

I'm not going to chase him, I don't know if I want to see him or not.

 

There's the crux of your problem.

 

Decide what it is that you want.

 

There's no advice that anyone here can give to help you if you can't even determine for yourself what you want.

 

This is "problem solving 101".

 

1. Identify your options.

2. Pick your goal.

3. Develop a gameplan to reach your goal.

4. Implement your gameplan until you reach your goal.

 

The problem you've got is that you're stuck somewhere between step 1 and 2.

 

You need to decide if you want to be with him or not, in light of all the deception/drama/etc...

 

Until you make that choice...you're going to stay right where you're at.

 

Thanks Owl. You are right, I will make alist of goals and pros and cons.

 

 

 

I am single and the only place I feel compromised is with my conscience.

 

forget the list - you know the answer. you are compromising your belief system for this man - at the cost of your conscience (peace of mind). why would you willingly sacrifice all that for some cheating, lying man? he's totally not worth that for you!

 

the conscience being compromised already answers the question you are asking yourself. YOU KNOW THE ANSWER... now all you have to do is take ACTION on what the answer is.

 

do it today. no need to wait another minute. you deserve more than what he has offered you.

[Mombot]

And he keeps on coming- he wants me to contact a realtor in Oregon to check out a house to retire in.

[whichwayisup]

And he keeps on coming- he wants me to contact a realtor in Oregon to check out a house to retire in.

 

Tell him to call you with proof when he is officially divorced. He is full of crap and just trying to keep you as the OW, give you hope that there'll be a "One day" for the two of you. BULLSH>IT!!

 

I really hope you don't make that call to the realtor. Guess who'll be stuck with the big bill? YOU.

[Mombot]

I'm liking Patsy Cline a whole lot right now.

[Ellin]

At least he is consistent...he is using both women equally for his own gain.

How is he using both women exactly?

 

He loves Mombot and is in a romantic R with her. He's entitled to do that, if he's separated and so is his W. Being legally separated is equal to D in terms of the absence of sexual and romantic R between the spouses, thus no obligation of fidelity. He's free to have a R with OP.

 

And how is he using his W? She is a fully capable adult and can make decisions for herself. She can D him if she wants to, but she seems ok with the way things are now.

[2sunny]

And he keeps on coming- he wants me to contact a realtor in Oregon to check out a house to retire in.

 

he can want what he wants. you have the right to CHOOSE for yourself and YOUR best interest. now do just that.

[Owl]

And he keeps on coming- he wants me to contact a realtor in Oregon to check out a house to retire in.

 

And he will keep coming to you over and over and over...

 

 

Until YOU do something to change the equation.

[Mombot]

He put me last again. Said he's call, and of course not. I think I need to go NC.

[2sunny]

He put me last again. Said he's call, and of course not. I think I need to go NC.

 

that looks like a healthy choice! be prepared for him to try to sway you with lots of promises once he finds you won't take his call.

 

he will step up his pace in order to get you to move back into the place he wants to keep you.

 

stay firm on NC. this man isn't one bit available to you.

[Silly_Girl]

He put me last again. Said he's call, and of course not. I think I need to go NC.

 

Mombot, from here NC looks good, but you don't seem ready, or resolute.

 

How do you see this panning out? If you go NC, for example, and he steps it up?

 

Or if you never hear from him again?

[whichwayisup]

You're now getting a reality check from him.. You contacted his wife, she told you not to contact her again and he's really said nothing to you about it, good or bad ... His actions now seem like he's backing off of you. Going into a-hole mode (meaning, he'll do subtle things to upset you on purpose, avoid your questions in general etc, etc) so you will say goodbye and end it with him.

 

Why hang on to someone who treats like you dog crap? Do the NC. Email him, tell him never to contact you ever again, that you're done and that he is a liar. Then call your closest friends, cry and let yourself grieve. Do NOT give him the satisfaction of your sadness, or that you miss him. Don't feed his ego. Make your own closure by accepting you made a huge mistake by trusting him (a MM) who led you on.

 

You were fine without him before he came into your life, you'll be fine again without him once you heal.

[Mombot]

I don't know how this will play out. Currently I have resolve because it is getting old. I'm not young but I know I would have no trouble finding company. I could hardly get to work today I was so mad, and that's not me. So I had to ask myself, why should you care so much when he obviously doesn't?

I also realize I really care a lot more than the steel around my heart will admit.

[2sunny]

I don't know how this will play out. Currently I have resolve because it is getting old. I'm not young but I know I would have no trouble finding company. I could hardly get to work today I was so mad, and that's not me. So I had to ask myself, why should you care so much when he obviously doesn't?

I also realize I really care a lot more than the steel around my heart will admit.

 

i see you getting stronger. good for YOU!!!