collegeguy_24 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Hey all, its me again. I know I've been posting a lot lately, so I hope everyone here can forgive me for that. I am just one very troubled guy, with a situation. So here goes: For the past month and a half my GF and I have started to drift apart it seems, I won't go into details, but I do have some concerns that actually frighten me. So I came here as I need some details. 1: Can some one give me the typical signs that your GF is cheating on you, or possibly losing interest in the relationship overall? I need this information to match up with what as been going on. 2: I have a very bad problem of over thinking things, always have. And ever since my last relationship blew up in a horrific way( it was also my first relationship), I still have a little baggage such as distrust and suspicion left over. If the problem turns out to be me, I want to seek therapy for it, so for that here is my question: If its me, should I seek relationship counselling, or see a regular psychologist like what we have on the college campus? I do not want to be a bad BF, and be controlling and suspicious all the time, so I will seek help if need be. Also here is another question, my GF is away on vacation visiting family, and she hasn't contacted me till two days ago asking for information about a local doctor. I sent here the information, then I asked her how her vacation was going, but its been two days and I have had no response. I also know she has been on the computer cause I have seen her on facebook. Is that a bad sign or another case of me overthinking things?
Green Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Hey all, its me again. I know I've been posting a lot lately, so I hope everyone here can forgive me for that. I am just one very troubled guy, with a situation. So here goes: For the past month and a half my GF and I have started to drift apart it seems, I won't go into details, but I do have some concerns that actually frighten me. So I came here as I need some details. 1: Can some one give me the typical signs that your GF is cheating on you, or possibly losing interest in the relationship overall? I need this information to match up with what as been going on. 2: I have a very bad problem of over thinking things, always have. And ever since my last relationship blew up in a horrific way( it was also my first relationship), I still have a little baggage such as distrust and suspicion left over. If the problem turns out to be me, I want to seek therapy for it, so for that here is my question: If its me, should I seek relationship counselling, or see a regular psychologist like what we have on the college campus? I do not want to be a bad BF, and be controlling and suspicious all the time, so I will seek help if need be. Also here is another question, my GF is away on vacation visiting family, and she hasn't contacted me till two days ago asking for information about a local doctor. I sent here the information, then I asked her how her vacation was going, but its been two days and I have had no response. I also know she has been on the computer cause I have seen her on facebook. Is that a bad sign or another case of me overthinking things? If your gf is hanging out with other men in one on one situations she really might be cheating. Also, if she is acting really distant she might be cheating. But even if she is not cheating do you really want to date some one that does either of those two things. If you think she is just look in her email account, or fb, or her cell phone to try and figure it out.
Sabali Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) Brace yourself, buddy. It sounds like she is walking out the front door. The best thing you can do is step aside and give her space. I am telling you right now that the harder you try to pull her back when she needs to step away, the faster she will run and the more coldhearted she will be about it. It sounds like you have been on her back a bit and it is not fair that she be convicted for your past girlfriend's sins. Nothing drives a person up the wall more than the thoughts of his girl possibly cheating. Why do you think this? Why can't she just be leaving you simply because you don't trust her and she can't handle that anymore? Everyone blames past partners on making them the untrustful type but when must a man take responsibility for his own actions and not blame someone else for them? Couldn't it be possible that those people were just born not to trust their significant others? Guy, I think you should just give her some breathing room. It is going to kill you because all sorts of thoughts are going to be running through your mind. You are going to be very anxious and feel compelled to just be with her and hold her and force your way back in but this never work. Just give her some space and show her that you can do that and give her some time to think. I think this more than any thing else may work in your favor. And oh, signs she's losing interest are obvious: Won't return your calls anymore wants to spend less time with you Has a different tone and enthusiasm around you Shorter conversations Less interested in how your day went Doesn't smile around you as often Doesn't go out with you as much Edited July 23, 2010 by Sabali
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Thanks so far Green and Sabali, But as I was eating lunch this thought came to me. Perhaps I should put a little more detail in here so that no one misunderstands. It has happened to me before for a variety of subjects. About a month ago she started distancing herself, not smiling, not holding hands, hell I was lucky I could get a handshake. And this was during a romantic weekend I planned for her cause we haven't had one in a while. Well she went to visit some nearby family for a couple days, elder grand parents, and when she returned she just kind of exploded. She talked about her flaws, and I just listened, when she finished I told her I can accept her flaws, cause I do care about her, then she said she still has feelings for her first serious relationship guy. A few days later she cried and begged for forgiveness saying she didn't deserve it, and that it was stress and a bunch of stuff, and that she was willing to work as hard as possible to regain my trust and respect. I agreed, and told her I would give her a second chance. Well not long after, she started hanging out with a single guy friend, he cooked her dinner at his place and she stayed till midnight watching movies on his couch. cause it was so soon after her blowup i found that suspicious. THen she left for a week to visit family. So thats some backround, I have to go now but I can add more later if you guys think it will help.
robdrm32 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I've been through a similar situation. My advice: Don't contact her. Let her come to you. Give it a week if she doesn't contact you move on. It sounds like she may be cheating, especially with the "hanging out with a single guy friend" staying over late and all that, especially when she is in a spot where she should be trying to earn your trust back, that's BS man. You can't focus on the cheating aspect though, think about how she has been treating you, if you don't feel comfortable in the relationship that is because of her actions. Frankly I think your just insecure, which I am too so don't take it as an insult. Don't blow up at her or anything you just have to let her know (verbally or non-verbally) that you aren't happy with her. My advice is use non-verbally, don't contact her, if she contacts you make it seem like you don't want to talk to her. If she cares about you and the relationship she will drive home the issue of talking to you to see whats wrong, make her work for it. That's the only way to tell if she really cares imo. Hard to do but worth a shot.
Sabali Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 How is this not a date? Sounds like she may have slept with someone else and the guilt is killing her because you probably treat her well. You don't want to show any insecurity at this point as it will surely make things worse. As much as it may hurt, you will have to give her some space to let her work out the demons. Could this "single guy friend" be her ex? Whatever it is, I can tell you this much: A woman telling you that she still has feelings for a past boyfriend means that she is just not into you anymore. She probably did not have a really high interest level in the relationship to begin with and maybe you missed the signs. Were you rebound in any way? Do anything such as confronting her or accusations will only put you further into the quick sand. Give her lots of space now and let her come to you.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Ok I am back. This friend of hers is not an ex, but he is known as a virgin, a guy who has neverbeen on a date, or have a kiss. Her ex she said she has feelings for lives in another state and is engaged to be married to some one else, and is old enough be to be her father. She did say she is willing to earn back my trust and she did show part of it by letting me stay at her place during a busy weekend for my internship and she took me out for dinner and a movie for a date. But that's about it as she has been distant otherwise. She was also on her period though I was partly skeptical at that as it lasted abut 1 week and a half. Which makes me ask the ladies here if that is possible? Sorry for bad grammer this is from my phone.
Sabali Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Ok I am back. This friend of hers is not an ex, but he is known as a virgin, a guy who has neverbeen on a date, or have a kiss. Her ex she said she has feelings for lives in another state and is engaged to be married to some one else, and is old enough be to be her father. She did say she is willing to earn back my trust and she did show part of it by letting me stay at her place during a busy weekend for my internship and she took me out for dinner and a movie for a date. But that's about it as she has been distant otherwise. She was also on her period though I was partly skeptical at that as it lasted abut 1 week and a half. Which makes me ask the ladies here if that is possible? Sorry for bad grammer this is from my phone. Well, yes and no. Periods can last that long but it is abnormal. Not really the real period. Unless it has been like that last month and previous months, I would be very skeptical. Women can have conditions called metromenorrhagia but it's an abnormal condition.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 According to her she was so stressed out over the whole event that her period stated early, so I thought at first that was why she rejeted my advances whether it be sexual or a hug, he she exploaded. But what gets me is she says she wants to repair the relatonship and will do anything to do so. She has been gone a weekwith family so do you think that is enough btime for her? Also should I say anythiing, and distance myself as well so she can work for it?
Sabali Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 According to her she was so stressed out over the whole event that her period stated early, so I thought at first that was why she rejeted my advances whether it be sexual or a hug, he she exploaded. But what gets me is she says she wants to repair the relatonship and will do anything to do so. She has been gone a weekwith family so do you think that is enough btime for her? Also should I say anythiing, and distance myself as well so she can work for it? Stress does not effect periods. Hormones do. Sounds like her period was a version of "not now, honey, I have a headache." Unless she has dysfunctional uterine bleeding, metromenorrhagia or some other disorder, which I doubt since it seems to be no biggie to her and she never mentioned it before, I would say she is BSing you. She sure like to disappear with "family" a lot. I hope she is not kin to the mailman. In any case, man, I really think you should give her some space. Easier said than done, I realize this but it's your best course of action in someone who obviously wants to get away for a bit. Don't pressure her. You have to really believe that giving her space is your best course of action. It's hard to believe it until you put faith in it in a relationship that is on the edge.
ALittleWorried Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 How is this not a date? In some cases, it's not. Hell, I've invited girlfriends (girls thare are simply friends) over to my place many of times where I've cooked for them and then kicked back on the couch to watch a flick. I guess it all comes down to how much trust you and a partner have in eachother and how accepting you may be of it. You're pretty much saying that people can't do things with people of the opposite sex without it being considered a date. If the girl we're speaking of was at a girlfriends doing the same thing, it wouldn't even be mentioned again. Seeing as it's a guy in the picture, alarm bells are ringing straight away. Sorry if this sounds like a rant, but I'm sick of people thinking that you can't have one on one time with someone of the opposite sex without it being seen as a date. OP, in your situation, I personally wouldn't like it. Simply due to the fact that it's one of many red flags you've posted about. In a healthy relationship, I don't see the problem in having one on one time with the opposite sex.
bananaboat11 Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 (edited) Can't say I've been in a similar situation, but I have been burned before... bad. If she wants space... give it to her. It is normal to go a day or two without talking. you need to miss eachother and you did mention this is a relatively new relationship? Don't check up on her. IF she DOES give you reason to doubt her... see if you can talk it out with her when you are with her. If she avoids it and gets bratty/pissy... I'd put my foot down. I tend to go with my gut. You tried... she failed. What more can you ask for? I was in a relationship recently that went too fast... together for ~ 2 months. She didn't give me signs not to trust her, but she did make me uncomfortable with a few things... and I tried talking them out. I tried reasoning with her. She didn't think she was doing wrong... I put my foot down and walked out. After one week of NC... she contacted me. I ignored it at first... then when I was stupid to respond she was so excited to hear from me (yet I kept it brief). I told her no, back to NC for some more. This did not go well, but she respected it.... 5 days later, she contacts me. I told her no. 2 weeks later after more NC... let's just say when I told her "we didn't have a friendship before and I can't have one now with you"... I got a "f*ck you, have a nice life" and had some of my stuff tossed in a lost and found in my favorite coffee shop. The entire time she only wanted a friendship b/c she had feelings for her ex still. I feel like your 'girl' is along the same lines. Trying to appease her own guilt, sorry to say. Don't let her play mind games. Be strong. blocked her FB. changed my phone number. funny thing though... her friends and I still talk and THAT doesn't bother me... and doesn't seem to bother them. Her and me. Forget it. We're done. I have 0 intention of ever speaking to her again. Now that one I was falling for that burned me... I chased her when I should've given her space. Oops. Pushed her far away But she was mental too. Heh. My luck. Let her try and miss you. If to no success... then consider moving on. Edited July 24, 2010 by bananaboat11
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Hi all, since I do not know how to multi quote, I am going to address everyone individuality in this reply. Sabali: It does sound like she is BSing me on this one about her period. I am going to do a little more research so if she s lieing to me I know. Cause her period was supposed to start on a Sunday, but it started on a Thursday and she blamed stress, and went for a week and a half. But she is also on Birth control, so that may also have an effect, what do you think? As for family, I actually know that to be true, as she put them on speaker phone and I heard her grandparents say they looked forward to seeing her again. And she mentioned in the early stages of our relationship that she was going to see them. I am also friends with her mom and her mom told me she picked her up at the airport. Now she does have friends and ex's in her hometown, but I am not nearly as worried as she was being surrounded by family, its here where she is often alone that I am worried. ALittleWorried: You see, in a normal circumstance I wouldn't be worried. Let me explain, In my last relationship my ex cheated on me for months and I didn't know. Thats why I am cautious. But my current GF had earned my trust so before her big blow-up I would not have cared. But you see this time when she met the guy for dinner and a movie it was 3 days after she blew up at me and then came crawling back for forgiveness, at that point she lost my trust and said she was willing to work to get it back. But so soon after it happened that was what sent warning bells. And she even canceled to come to my friends birthday a week later because she had another night with the guy a day before, and she decided to sleep in, she then showed up to the birthday halfway through. Needless to say I was cold and distant to her the entire night, so was everyone else. They also think something is up with her because of her behavior. I hope that clarifies a bit. Also, I am not against two different sexes meeting up as friends for a night of fun, I do it all the time with my female friends, it was just the timing that had me worried. Bananaboat: I am giving her space, a week of no contact as she went to see her family. Late last night she sent me an email asking me to pick her up from the airport later today. and she then sent me a text message this morning for a short chat as her parents take her on a three hour trip to said airport to leave her state. I am following advice and am letting her contact me when she is comfortable. My next question, if she starts to act suspicious again, should I just call her on it?
spookie Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 My thoughts reading this thread are: The big red flags where her behaivior is concerned are - That she is so emotional regarding "not deserving you". In my experience, this usually signals feeling guilty about wanting a way out. -Her comment about still having feelings for her ex. In my opinion, it's not so much the feelings, which, IMO, are common, but that she mentioned them to you. That shows immaturity or a lack of respect for you. IMO, the fact that she watched with the virgin guy is not a big deal at all. Do you have so little faith in her that you think she'll jump on another dcik the first time she gets a chance? I mean, come one... what kind of girl do you take her for? The BIGGER red flags are the ones you're displaying. Trying to figure out the details of her cycle is just plain obsessive and creepy. Searchign her behaivior for signs of cheating demonstrates a complete lack of trust, without which it's impossible to have a relationship, anyway.
zengirl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Okay, I'm not saying there are no red flags with this girl (there are a couple bad relationship signs), but you're going a little over the top if you're starting to question her menstrual cycle. Seriously. I think if she's refusing any affection, talking about her ex, and disappearing, she's lost interest. Whether it's because of her own stuff (ex issues, interest in someone else), your stuff (really obvious trust issues), or just a compatibility/life happens thing, I don't know. Whether it can be salvaged, I don't know, because I don't know you, who, or why it happened. But yes, something is very wrong in this relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating, though. Personally, I don't see why her hanging out with a male friend would be a red flag, especially if he's not a new friend. I hang out with my male friends one on one, and it's never been an issue with the guys I've dated (well not that's come up anyhow). A question I have: *Why was it a big deal about her coming to your friend's birthday? It's not her friend, right? If I showed up, even late, to my boyfriend's friend's birthday, and everyone was cold to me, including my boyfriend. . . I'd be pretty annoyed.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 (edited) Okay, I'm not saying there are no red flags with this girl (there are a couple bad relationship signs), but you're going a little over the top if you're starting to question her menstrual cycle. Seriously. I think if she's refusing any affection, talking about her ex, and disappearing, she's lost interest. Whether it's because of her own stuff (ex issues, interest in someone else), your stuff (really obvious trust issues), or just a compatibility/life happens thing, I don't know. Whether it can be salvaged, I don't know, because I don't know you, who, or why it happened. But yes, something is very wrong in this relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating, though. Personally, I don't see why her hanging out with a male friend would be a red flag, especially if he's not a new friend. I hang out with my male friends one on one, and it's never been an issue with the guys I've dated (well not that's come up anyhow). A question I have: *Why was it a big deal about her coming to your friend's birthday? It's not her friend, right? If I showed up, even late, to my boyfriend's friend's birthday, and everyone was cold to me, including my boyfriend. . . I'd be pretty annoyed. The only reason I would question her cycle is because A) Its abnormal even for her, and B) If she is lying to me, I deserve to know. When we started dating she wanted a rule to be issued, that was open honesty, but so far she has not lived up to that rule recently while I have. As for trust issues, I didn't have them until she blew up at me 2-3 weeks ago, before that I had none as I trusted her completely, so yeah, I think I have a right to have some trust issues considering what happened and what she said. And again, before her blowup, I had no problem with her hanging out with her guy friends, thats a part of life, and I would a be hypocrite otherwise. but so soon after her blowup, and when she said she was willing to work for forgiveness she blows me off to spend a night alone with another guy, that is suspicious no matter how you look at it. And she never even bothered to hang out with the guy until that point, for the beginning of the summer, and the entire last half of spring semester, they barely even talked to each other. Look at that and can you honestly say that is not suspicious in the slightest way? Answer to zengirl's question: In the beginning she completely blew everyone off saying she didn't want to come, that was after she promised the guy and his GF, to their faces, that she would come. and then halfway through she sent a text saying she changed her mind. That was irritating. And even then, My friend and his GF have noticed something off about her for the past couple weeks, like I did, but they wanted to stay out of it. If she didn't want to come, thats no big deal, but to promise them, back out, then later on change her mind again, is just plain irritating especially since they had to change plans to accommodate her. Edited July 24, 2010 by collegeguy_24
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Edit: Ok, maybe the whole menstrual cycle thing is over the top. Now that I am fully awake and alert, (When I posted I just woke up), I can see how that is not only wrong, but over the top, so I will follow the advice of zengirl on that one and just avoid it, I need to focus on relationship problems instead. But since she is coming back today after a break, hopefully things can work out. Also, As I posted in my first post of this thread, I said it could just be me and not just her, which is why I talked about therapy, could we talk about that next so all the bases are covered. Cause if its me making this stuff up then I want to see a therapist asap.
spookie Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Edit: Ok, maybe the whole menstrual cycle thing is over the top. Now that I am fully awake and alert, (When I posted I just woke up), I can see how that is not only wrong, but over the top, so I will follow the advice of zengirl on that one and just avoid it, I need to focus on relationship problems instead. But since she is coming back today after a break, hopefully things can work out. Also, As I posted in my first post of this thread, I said it could just be me and not just her, which is why I talked about therapy, could we talk about that next so all the bases are covered. Cause if its me making this stuff up then I want to see a therapist asap. I think you should see a therapist anyway, it couldn't hurt. Personally I think the issues here are that she's not right for you (because she's not that into you) PLUS you are extremely insecure and distrusting. I would focus on the latter part of the equation, and let the chips where they may with the first part.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Not to sound rude spookie, but you did read why I am so distrusting didn't you? Are you saying that after her big blow up and the unusual events that followed that I should give her my trust back when she has not tried to earn it back? I was trusting before her blow-up, back when I actualy was able to trust her, but after what she said to me and then how she is actually acting, I don't think trust should be given completely back yet, I think she still has to work for it. I worked hard for her trust and she threw it into my face. I wasn't insecure until recently.
zengirl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Seconding spookie on the fact that seeing a therapist can’t hurt – think of the therapy as being for YOU, not for her, though. Not to be a good boyfriend, but to be a healthier person. If you work on yourself and get healthier, and she is still pulling away, at least you’ll be healthier going forward. You can’t really change her interest level or what she does, except maybe (if it is you affecting her) by changing you. Really, we can never change or fix anyone but ourselves. And she never even bothered to hang out with the guy until that point, for the beginning of the summer, and the entire last half of spring semester, they barely even talked to each other. Okay, well, in that case, if this was the first time she hung out with him. . . and she was focusing a lot more on him than you in this time period, that could be weird. It’s still a leap from weird to cheating, but at least that makes your obsession with the guy friend issues more sensible. It was something that changed. that was after she promised the guy and his GF, to their faces, that she would come Well, yes, that makes it worse. Though perhaps she’s avoiding them because of the tension between you. Did she promise to come before the blow-up.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 To zengirl: Seeking therapy does sound like a good idea, I was just talking with my brother, and he agrees. I will admit I have issues, such as over-thinking/Analyzing things, and they are issues I have had for a long time. I can also be a bit obsessive, but I do it mentally in the fact I think a lot instead of acting on it. I swore I would never act on obsession as a boyfriend. Perhaps therapy can help keep me from that road. She made the promise to them after the blow up. Cause both her and I didn't know when his birthday was, and she was the first to find out thanks to facebook. the weekend before his birthday we all hung out together and she promised she would attend. You ll know the rest of what happened.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Another update: I talked to her on the phone today, she called me, and she seemed really excited to see me. I think the space thing might have worked, but I will have to wait till tomorrow when her plane comes in, as her flight was canceled and she had to get another one for tomorrow instead.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Thinking is a kind of action. It's not the same as doing, but the idea that we are not one way or another because we only think it. . . well, that's just a fallacy we tell ourselves. In my view, anyway.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 could you clarify zengirl? I don't think I understand what you meant to say.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 You said you are obsessive, but you'd never act obsessive. Yet by allowing yourself to think obsessive thoughts, you are acting obsessive. I'm a big advocate of the "I control my mind, it is a tool I have," rather than the "I am my mind" or the "My mind controls me" philosophy.
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