nevertoolate Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 My BF is a nice guy and likes to go out and be with people. He's not anti-social by any means, and in fact I think prefers to be with people. But when we're out and about with people, he seems to hardly do any talking. I'm disappointed by how quiet he usually is. We've been together for about 8 months. We can talk for hours, though I've come to realize I initiate most of the conversations and I do most of the talking. Evenso, we click, we connect, and he's never unwilling to talk about anything. I actually feel I've never had such an honest relationship with someone. Yesterday was the second time he hung out with me and my two closest friends. The first time we hung out with these girls, he hardly talked at all. We were sitting at a table together, the four of us, and he told me a story and didn't tell it loud enough for the others to hear and didn't even make eye contact with them when he told it. Yesterday, we were at one of my friend's house, him for the first time, and he still didn't talk much. He talks when spoken to, but generally very quietly. It seems he could have talked about so much, asked questions about the house, the neighborhood, her family, what she does for fun, etc. I wouldn't say I'm the most outgoing person myself. In fact I get nervous in many social settings and stumble over my words a lot. But I value having social graces and saying thanks for an invite, trying to get to know the host or other guests (especially in such a small group), in general trying to engage in conversation when you're visiting people. The guys I've dated in the past have been much more outgoing than myself, and sometimes the life of the party. I love this man and we fit together so well in so many ways. But this is different for me. I'm not sure how to handle it or accept it or just how to feel about it. I sometimes wish he initiated more conversation with me... Any thoughts? Similar experiences? Are you like my BF as I describe him here?
Cracker Jack Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I'm just like him. Don't necessarily like that about myself, but I can't help it. For some of us, that's just how we are in a public setting. He might feel as though he doesn't have much to bring to the table in terms of convo, which is why he probably only responds when spoken to. It's not something I can control about myself, and I'm sure it's the same with your bf, too. At the end of the day, as long as you guys click, you'll look past this.
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I'm just like him. Don't necessarily like that about myself, but I can't help it. Of course you can. For some of us, that's just how we are in a public setting. Excuses... He might feel as though he doesn't have much to bring to the table in terms of convo, which is why he probably only responds when spoken to. It's not something I can control about myself, and I'm sure it's the same with your bf, too. Not true. You don't seem to want to change and are comfortable "accepting" it. (see second quoted passage) At the end of the day, as long as you guys click, you'll look past this. Refer to quote below: My BF is a nice guy and likes to go out and be with people. He's not anti-social by any means, and in fact I think prefers to be with people. But when we're out and about with people, he seems to hardly do any talking. I'm disappointed by how quiet he usually is. It's almost like OP is ashamed of her boyfriend when out in public. Not a good situation. This sort of social anxiety CAN be corrected, but only if the person is fully willing to commit to change. It's just another one of those "pull his head from out of his ass" sort of things. OP shouldn't have to settle.
Cracker Jack Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Of course you can. Um, ok. How? If I've never been good with generating convo on the whim, how is this supposed to change at 22? And it doesn't help that I've been diagnosed with SA, but that's probably just another excuse. Not true. You don't seem to want to change and are comfortable "accepting" it. (see second quoted passage)No, actually I do want to change; been working on being more open and outgoing in public settings for a while now. Hasn't changed a thing. I kinda learned to live with it after failing horribly in social settings. So, if you have a suggestion, it would be nice to hear.
norajane Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Yesterday, we were at one of my friend's house, him for the first time, and he still didn't talk much. He talks when spoken to, but generally very quietly. It seems he could have talked about so much, asked questions about the house, the neighborhood, her family, what she does for fun, etc.Is he actually interested in hearing answers to those questions? Maybe he just isn't interested in other people. If that's how he is, you can't really do anything to have him be more interested. Outgoing people either think they themselves are really interesting and like to talk, or they think other people all have something interesting about them and like to find out about them. Often, it's a combination of both. If he's interested in others but shy and nervous, practice makes perfect. The only way to break out of that is to actually speak and do it often enough that they realize most people will talk forever given an opening and someone who is listening. But he has to make an effort. If he's quiet, it's hard for others to talk with him because he doesn't say much to keep a conversation going.
Pfiend101 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Honestly the type of things people talk about when they are drunk bore me to death. Its so fake and stupid. If I have something to say I will say it. Otherwise be content that I'm listening to you.
Author nevertoolate Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Is he actually interested in hearing answers to those questions? Maybe he just isn't interested in other people. If that's how he is, you can't really do anything to have him be more interested. Good questions. Thank you. I'll approach it with him like this. If he's interested in others but shy and nervous, practice makes perfect. Oh I completely agree. I used to be so much more shy and quiet in public. About 6 years ago I just started throwing myself out there and wow it's just enhanced my relationships immensely. It's almost like OP is ashamed of her boyfriend when out in public. Not a good situation. This sort of social anxiety CAN be corrected, but only if the person is fully willing to commit to change. It's just another one of those "pull his head from out of his ass" sort of things. OP shouldn't have to settle. I am somewhat ashamed of my BF. So I'm slowly introducing him to my friends and picking the most comfortable and even forgiving social situations to bring him in...I'll talk to him about my concerns and his possible issues and see where we want to take this. I don't want to settle. And this part of his personality doesn't really fit into the life I dream of for my self or for the family I hope to have...
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) Just a different take than suggesting he for sure has "social issues" since you did say he goes out, he isnt a "shut-in" from what you told us. If he is intelligent he may just be "above" all your friends conversationally, or believes he is. No offense to common folk and "happy-go-lucky" types in general, but in EVERY social situation I ever been in I keep quieter than my instincts to impress because I don't want to make people uncomfortable (or percieve me as a show off) with my level of perceptiveness, humour and ability to get from a big body of opinions on key subjects. People "read" me as shy, which is not a truism. It is merely most people I talk to have an 'average' conversation pallete in parties and gatherings. Its always a "bull****" topic in my view. They likely are saying things that I WAY disagree on, or I view it the opinion as generic and so I let it go and won't engage. If I thought there were people like-minded you would see me open up. Maybe these people you introduce him to he can tell aren't on his wavelength and so as you said he just listens and is courteous. Some people would prefer to be around only people they get along with. So it's not unusual to not be interested in asking 21 questions of a group of people you just met who you already perceive to be NOT like you in any way. The other thing is he may think you are "testing him with the girlfriends". Auditioning so to speak, getting the nod from your gals that he's worthy...well I wouldnt like that scenario as a closet "shy" Edited July 6, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
BWLoca Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Being quiet and shy myself, of course I don't see anything wrong with your boyfriend not being that talkative. Someone in the world has to listen, right? But if you see a life where you and your sig. other are social butterflies, this may never be and it's probably best to let him find someone who appreciates him. Is this forum really anti-shy or is it just me?
norajane Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Just a different take than suggesting he for sure has "social issues" since you did say he goes out, he isnt a "shut-in" from what you told us. If he is intelligent he may just be "above" all your friends conversationally, or believes he is. No offense to common folk and "happy-go-lucky" types in general, but in EVERY social situation I ever been in I keep quieter than my instincts to impress because I don't want to make people uncomfortable (or percieve me as a show off) with my level of perceptiveness, humour and ability to get from a big body of opinions on key subjects. People "read" me as shy, which is not a truism. It is merely most people I talk to have an 'average' conversation pallete in parties and gatherings. Its always a "bull****" topic in my view. They likely are saying things that I WAY disagree on, or I view it the opinion as generic and so I let it go and won't engage. If I thought there were people like-minded you would see me open up. Maybe these people you introduce him to he can tell aren't on his wavelength and so as you said he just listens and is courteous. Some people would prefer to be around only people they get along with. So it's not unusual to not be interested in asking 21 questions of a group of people you just met who you already perceive to be NOT like you in any way. The other thing is he may think you are "testing him with the girlfriends". Auditioning so to speak, getting the nod from your gals that he's worthy...well I wouldnt like that scenario as a closet "shy" So you see yourself as superior to most people and look down on their conversation topics, so that's why you stay quiet? If that's what he is doing, then I can see how he wouldn't fit into her life. These are her friends. People she cares about. And she's going to great lengths to try to introduce him in such a way that he'd be comfortable.
Diezel Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Yesterday was the second time he hung out with me and my two closest friends. The first time we hung out with these girls, he hardly talked at all. We were sitting at a table together, the four of us, and he told me a story and didn't tell it loud enough for the others to hear and didn't even make eye contact with them when he told it. Yesterday, we were at one of my friend's house, him for the first time, and he still didn't talk much. He talks when spoken to, but generally very quietly. No one seems to have caught this at all. Granted, the OP knows the boyfriend better than I do... BUT: She's describing situations where he is meeting HER friends for the first and second times. I don't know about most people here, but were you exactly a chatty Cathy when you met your SO's friends for the first time? As a man, I've hated situations where I have to sit alone with 3 or 4 other women and they're not my friends. First of all, half of the conversations are about stuff that I can't relate to. Second, I end up wishing there was at least another guy who could maybe relate to what I was feeling and we could chat it up a bit. I've been this guy in the past and it used to take me warming up to people before I could become involved in conversations with them. I ALWAYS feel people out before I decide to engage, because I don't want to come across as too forward or say something that'll bother them. If this aspect of your relationship bothers you so much, then move on without him. When I was wiht my ex, she MADE me go to family functions ALL the time, and although they were nice people, I really didn't have much to talk about with them, so I came across as the quiet, loner type.
Morals Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 So you see yourself as superior to most people and look down on their conversation topics, so that's why you stay quiet? If that's what he is doing, then I can see how he wouldn't fit into her life. These are her friends. People she cares about. And she's going to great lengths to try to introduce him in such a way that he'd be comfortable. This is the kind of double-standard that I want to point out here. This isn't anything against you per-say Nora. But it is a faulty viewpoint nonetheless. He doesn't see himself as superior, he just chooses to not be involved in conversations of trivial topics. I'm the same way. In "social" settings, people tend to use broad generic topics, or talk about things that they think "everyone" knows. The issue here is not everyone knows or cares about everything. I think he is doing the right thing, staying quiet in order to keep from saying something negative about the topic. If he starts saying something negative about a topic, a lot of people take a negative viewpoint as a personal attack against them; which of course it isn't. (Read: Just like on these forums ) The double standard here is that most women if they choose to distance themselves or withdraw themselves from a conversation aren't chastised by others for it. A woman who doesn't talk a lot is just not outspoken, but if a guy doesn't say something...uh oh look out..."he might not care about your feelings."
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 So you see yourself as superior to most people and look down on their conversation topics, so that's why you stay quiet? It's not anything to do with seeing or mis-seeing myself If a law student was to talk to me I would not dare argue or put up counterpoints to their knowledge, same with a doctor. It's futile right? They are extensively educated in those fields. And if I was not a doctor/lawyer It's pointless really to do anything but listen and learn. Unfortunately it's hard to convey to people you are multi-educated and exposed to more than most when you lead in with "I'm a highschool dropout". I'm sure a lot of people out there could regale me for hours about the different kinds of pot and their weekly drinking habits. I am not above most people, I am beside them, different wavelengths
Ross PK Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm the same, I can just never think of anything to say.
norajane Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 It's not anything to do with seeing or mis-seeing myself If a law student was to talk to me I would not dare argue or put up counterpoints to their knowledge, same with a doctor. It's futile right? They are extensively educated in those fields. And if I was not a doctor/lawyer It's pointless really to do anything but listen and learn. Unfortunately it's hard to convey to people you are multi-educated and exposed to more than most when you lead in with "I'm a highschool dropout". I'm sure a lot of people out there could regale me for hours about the different kinds of pot and their weekly drinking habits. I am not above most people, I am beside them, different wavelengths Then I must have misinterpreted what you said here as to believing that you were, indeed, above most people, not merely on different wavelengths: If he is intelligent he may just be "above" all your friends conversationally, or believes he is. No offense to common folk and "happy-go-lucky" types in general, but in EVERY social situation I ever been in I keep quieter than my instincts to impress because I don't want to make people uncomfortable (or percieve me as a show off) with my level of perceptiveness, humour and ability to get from a big body of opinions on key subjects. Yesterday was the second time he hung out with me and my two closest friends. The first time we hung out with these girls, he hardly talked at all. We were sitting at a table together, the four of us, and he told me a story and didn't tell it loud enough for the others to hear and didn't even make eye contact with them when he told it. Yesterday, we were at one of my friend's house, him for the first time, and he still didn't talk much. He talks when spoken to, but generally very quietly. She introduced him to her two closest friends. If he is on her wavelength and gets along so well with her, then I find it difficult to believe that her two closest friends would be so very different from her as to be unable to comprehend his story. And if he really was concerned about being perceived as a show off, he should have been more concerned about being perceived as rude in speaking so softly as to only be heard by her despite sitting at a table for four.
gamma1 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I am somewhat ashamed of my BF. So I'm slowly introducing him to my friends and picking the most comfortable and even forgiving social situations to bring him in...I'll talk to him about my concerns and his possible issues and see where we want to take this. I don't want to settle. And this part of his personality doesn't really fit into the life I dream of for my self or for the family I hope to have... Why be ashamed of him? Take a look at some of the threads around here where women are complaining about jerk boyfriends. Being a jerk boyfriend is shameful. If he's willing to work on it, why mess up a good thing? Don't expect him to change overnight, but over time he can change. If this is the only issue and he's willing to work on it, it seems silly to break up. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
I'm Batman Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 She's describing situations where he is meeting HER friends for the first and second times. I don't know about most people here, but were you exactly a chatty Cathy when you met your SO's friends for the first time? As a man, I've hated situations where I have to sit alone with 3 or 4 other women and they're not my friends. First of all, half of the conversations are about stuff that I can't relate to. Second, I end up wishing there was at least another guy who could maybe relate to what I was feeling and we could chat it up a bit. I've been this guy in the past and it used to take me warming up to people before I could become involved in conversations with them. I ALWAYS feel people out before I decide to engage, because I don't want to come across as too forward or say something that'll bother them. If this aspect of your relationship bothers you so much, then move on without him. When I was wiht my ex, she MADE me go to family functions ALL the time, and although they were nice people, I really didn't have much to talk about with them, so I came across as the quiet, loner type. I agree with Diezel, I highly doubt your bf is intellectuality at a different level then your friends, but he's rather just 'testing out the water'. I can be shy and quiet the first time you meet me. I tend to scope out the situation, how a person talks and how they receive information whether it be something serious or a joke. Once that's out of the way, I'll share my opinions and go about my normal ways. In fact, I think your bf is just trying to respect you as a person by not insulting your close gf's by saying the wrong things. Some can talk in a mature manner and some stay quiet. I'm sure give it enough time, your bf will feel comfortable with your friends and he will be his normal self again. Dont' dump him bc he doesn't talk, enjoy the silence and his company.
tornandmarried Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 im very painfully shy myself....nothing wrong with it!!! best people youll ever meet...im always suprised by all the people that like me just how i am even tho i dont talk much....silence is golden....look a little deeper...he just might be a guy that wont let u down, maybe hes someone special thats in touch with his thoughts.....but give him time to get to know your friends as well as he knows you...hell open up more
LisaLee Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 (edited) That is my boyfriend. Extremely quiet. Talks his head off with me, but with other people he goes into silent mode. Literally... silent mode... I may hear him say a sentence or two if we are out with other people... In fact he is so quiet we will often talk about him like he is not there (especially his mom and I). It has nothing to do with anxiety, either, because he is like this with people he knows and loves and with complete strangers. He is just a quiet person by nature. It really doesn't bother me. My boyfriend is comfortable being quiet and just listening, and I'm comfortable talking for the both of us. Of course afterward I often say "Did I talk too much tonight?!!?" Edited August 30, 2010 by LisaLee
Eclypse Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 This brings to mind a quote by Mark Twain: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." What is meant by that of course is that unless he feels he has something to add to the conversation, your bf will probably remain silent. I am just like that. I can be pretty quiet among people I don't know all that well (like in all the situations you described here). If all I can say is something pointless like rephrasing what someone already said then I probably wont say it. You said he's more talkative amongst the 2 of you? Then just let him get to know your friends a bit better and he should open up. That's what I do once I get to know people better. He would have to be really really outgoing to talk a lot on the first meeting of new people.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Of course you can. Excuses... Not true. You don't seem to want to change and are comfortable "accepting" it. (see second quoted passage) Refer to quote below: It's almost like OP is ashamed of her boyfriend when out in public. Not a good situation. This sort of social anxiety CAN be corrected, but only if the person is fully willing to commit to change. It's just another one of those "pull his head from out of his ass" sort of things. OP shouldn't have to settle. I hate to disagree, but as a lifetime "shy" as my self-help book refers to it, I know firsthand how difficult it is to simply change a lifetime's work of thought process, attitudes, habits and how you project and see yourself. Shyness/quietness is so often linked to snobbery/being stuck up, or being unwilling to change. So often this is not the case. No one wants to be shy. It's like feeling like the unwanted guest at a party, wishing you'd worn clothes that matched the interiors so you can blend in more. A normal, social event is horrifying for people like me. It's definitely NOT about him pulling his head out of his ass, sorry, or about OP settling, it's about him learning how to feel more assured, more confident, more ably equipped to handle social situations. I have a tendency to be the silent one in a group, I would love to be the outgoing, chatty one, but that isn't me. I'd love to change that, but a lifetime habit isn't easily changed. It's the exact same thing as suggesting an outgoing chatty person goes mute for a while, if they've been outgoing their whole life, changing to being shy isn't going to be easy, or an overnight thing. To be honest, I'm always struck by how people assume it's a choice to be shy. It's not. 13% of people in Western Countries are lifetime shys, and there's numerous studies that indicate shyness begins as an infant/baby and develops throughout life. We learn coping mechanisms, sure, and we do pick up social skills, which enable us to get through life, but being shy isn't a choice. You are what you are. I'm slowly learning to love that bit about me. I'm not the most outgoing person in the entire room, but heck, I'm loyal, I'm funny when you get to know me, and I listen well. There's many qualities shy/quiet people have which get overlooked in favor of the negative 'shy' quality. OP, if you get on with your bf, why are you ashamed of him? I'm sorry but that strikes me quite odd, you should be happy with him as he is, not be desiring he was a chatterbox who would ask people loads of questions if that is not how he is naturally. Course, he can learn to slowly grow out of his shyness, and maybe once he gets comfortable with your family and friends, he'll open up. Some people just aren't forthcoming. That's life. He may be an observer, a listener over a talker. I've dated a guy once who could speak for England, my god, that was a nightmare. I'd take someone quiet over him any day. People who are shy often have a totally different mindset to those that are not, and we often reflect on social experiences rather negatively. We often sit, and think everyone at the table is judging us, even when to a casual observer, it's clear that they aren't, so we choose to stay silent. Do not draw anymore attention. What's easy and positive for one person, sends another into a jibbering, quivering wreck of nerves and anxiety. It's not a healthy thing, but it's how some people are. You should never resign yourself to being this way, you should try and change over time (gradual exposure is always best). I think you may have to either accept him as he is, and help him come out more by making him comfortable enough to do so, or leave if you are that ashamed of him.
shadowplay Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I think it all depends on whether it's social anxiety or spaciness/lack of interest in others. Social anxiety can be fixed. The latter is more of a temperment thing that probably won't change and will drive you crazy eventually. My ex had this problem. At first I thought he was just shy, but it turned out he just didn't have much going on upstairs. He also didn't have much interest in other people.
Mad Max Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 As someone that's also shy(though not painfully), it's offensive to be judged for the way we are. Why is it okay for women to be shy, but god forbid a guy is shy, he's criticized for it?
BobSacamento Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I've noticed many people are intolerant of quiet people. I think they're just people who don't like to shoot the s@$#. In other words have a conversation for the sake of conversation. Many times people will say there is a problem with the quiet person. However, I think it might actually be the reverse. What it boils down to is that the person who the quiet person is with is probably just not that interesting.
jean-luc sisko Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 OP, he is who he is. So some people are quiet, as if there is some law of the universe that says people should be loud. i don't mean to offend, but the anti-shyness thought process comes from a child-like persepective of life. not everybody is the same, and not all people will act uniformally.
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